Hasn't Hit Me Yet

They say that it is easy to keep a secret from yourself. Similarly I believe that the easiest person to lie to is yourself. Sometimes the only way we can realize the truth we hide from ourselves is by hearing others say it. For me it's to put it down on paper...so here goes.

This is something that I have tried to write for a few months now. The words never seem to come out right. The thoughts and the issues are intertwined and confusing. I do know that the underlying issue is not new, it has been with me for years and bubbles to the surface every once in a while. Lately I have been more aware of it's presence, like a scratching at the back of my mind. Something buried deep down inside me, I know is there but have long since forgotten about.

This is about my inability to open myself up and to allow others in - basically to love and be loved. My past choices in love are clear indicators that I place my emotions with men I have no business trusting with my emotions; there is absolutely no possibility of emotional reciprocation. In other words - I noticed years ago I have a tendency to set myself up for failure - which is one of the reasons I stopped dating. Better to be alone than lonely.

Over the past few years I have started to observe traits that I am attracted to. For me the paramount organ of passion is the mind. Without intellect there can be no emotional connection, no love. It is this realization that paralyzes me with fear. The only way to find this trait is to get to know someone. In order to get to know someone, one must bring down the walls and reveal themselves. Something that terrifies me.

For me, the potential for being rejected for who I am outweighs the benefit of any relationship. I am just now starting to realize that I can't abandon love just because its scary and just because you get hurt. My memories hurt like hell, but pain isn't anything special or new to me. I continue to inflict pain on myself by getting involved with the 'wrong' men, and I live through it - so I can do it again.

The thing is, I am not sure I am ready to do it again. Perhaps the first step is recognizing and identifying my behaviours. The harder part, changing my behaviours, will come in time.

"Hey, hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet. I fell through this crack and I kind of lost my head" ~ Blue Rodeo

Peace