The Lowest of the Low

I believe that there are 3 sides to every story - my side, your side and the truth. Because we are human our side of the story is always influenced by emotions. Sometimes the most altruistic actions can be interpreted as mean spirited or being honest can be downright hurtful or nasty.

I have hit rock bottom. Strangely enough I am glad! I was fighting my descent into the pits of despair for so long. I was taking a daily dose of pain instead of dealing with it all at once. Now that I am at the bottom, I have clarity.

It is really not so bad down here. I have been here before, which gives me an advantage - I know how to get out when I am ready. Not only do I know 'how' to get out - but I think that it is important for me to stay a while and just hurt. This is a necessary resting spot in my journey. I need to take some time to hurt, heal and forgive.

As I sit here trying to write as my cat eats my pencil I have a strange revelation. This time NONE of my pain, loss and guilt has a single thing to do with my ex and the breakdown of my marriage. I am now dealing with my OWN issues - this means I have no one to blame/ forgive but myself.

Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. We all have our flaws. Perhaps due to my incessant need to think and analyse I cause myself more than my fair share of grief but I need to cut myself some slack. 

How can anyone be expected to do something different when they have no idea what they are doing wrong. How can you know what you don't know? Wow - I am not even sure my sentences are making sense any more.

I don't have a crystal ball. I can't be expected to "go fish" for every answer or solution. Some days I even wonder if I want to know the answers. I just want to BE!

I am not longer wallowing in self pity. I don't feel all alone - the fact is I may be single but I am NOT alone. I am more than coping with my issues and fears and I have travelled a great distance in just 3 years. I am proud of all I have accomplished and I REFUSE to beat myself up any more about how "adjusted" I "should" be at this stage of the game.

I have met more than enough people at different stages of their journeys to know that I am FINE and will ALWAYS be fine regardless of where my life take me.

Peace

Hair of the Dog

In the past I have written 2 angry posts - and I published neither of them. Well things are about to change! I am angry and I don't care who knows! You know what - I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should behave, how I should feel and what I am afraid of!

News flash! I AM NOT AFRAID OF BEING ALONE!!!! I have been alone for 3 years now, thank you very much. If I were REALLY so AFRAID of being alone don't you think I would have 'latched on' to any 'Tom, Dick or Harry' who had crossed my path by now? Seriously! If I was so afraid of being alone would I not have 'jumped' right into a relationship long before I was divorced? There has been no shortage of men I could have 'settled' for if I was SO AFRAID of being alone.

I am angry, frustrated and sick and tired of everyone telling me what I should and should not do! The thing is I am the one who has to live my life. I am the one who has to live with the consequences of the decisions made, so shouldn't I get to make the decisions? I am tired of everyone knowing what is "best" for me!

I am the one who has to go out and do things. Shouldn't I get to decide what I want to do? Shouldn't I get to decide if I want to go? I am the one who has to be in different relationships day in and day out. Shouldn't I get to choose if I feel comfortable in the relationship? If I don't feel comfortable shouldn't I get to choose if I wish to leave?

Why the fuck am I letting doctors, psychiatrist and therapists tell me what I should and should not be doing to make my life better? In all honesty I think I have handled everything that has happened to me EXCEPTIONALLY WELL! I did NOT take up drinking, smoking, drugs or gambling. I did NOT jump immediately into another relationship, have sex with random strangers or go on major shopping sprees. I did NOT lock myself in my room for months at a time, over eat or curl up into a ball and die!

What I did do was I started living a healthier lifestyle. I started getting active. I took up some personal interests. I went back to school. I started martial arts. I started volunteering in the community. I started going out and meeting total strangers. I started dating. Basically I started living a single life!

You know what - for someone who supposedly has a social anxiety disorder I most certainly do one hell of a lot of social things! I would even go as far to say that I probably do FAR MORE social activities than people I know who don't have social anxiety!

Ultimately I am the ONLY person who knows what is BEST for me! I need to TRUST my instincts and believe that I am competent enough to distinguish between situations that are "wrong" for me vs. "anxiety". I may be alone, but being alone is far better than being lonely in a relationship. I am HAPPY and NO ONE can tell me otherwise!

Peace

Big In Japan

As I sit here listening to what I have been told is "the worst album ever" I can't even bring myself to crack a smile. I am wallowing in self pity. I have once again pushed away everyone in my life. Now I sit here facing my worst fears - ALONE!

I clearly see my behaviour patterns but I am at a loss at how to stop them. As soon as I get close to someone I begin to "think" and the process to protect myself starts. It is always the same story - if I let people see the "real me" it's only a matter of time before they are honest with me and tell me that I am unworthy of their companionship. Eventually the "real me" will disappoint them and my incompetence will show. Or worst of all I will make a mistake and do the wrong thing and then they will validate that I am unlovable.

When I started my workshop I was so hopeful and excited to finally learn skills to cope with my anxiety. Now I HATE it! I was told by the MANY doctors involved in the process that it would be a lot of hard work. "No problem" I thought. I was BEYOND wrong! The PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING! The realizations are debilitating! The physical reactions are frightening! Right now the worst of all of this is my own inner conflict!

The thing is I KNOW I am loveable! I KNOW I am worthy! I KNOW I am competent! So why do I do things to make people think I am unlovable, unworthy and incompetent when I KNOW DAMN WELL that I am probably one of the more sane, emotionally evolved and capable people around? Fear - it's easier to handle being hurt by myself over being hurt by someone else.

Okay so now I understand it - but how do I STOP it? I have tried pulling away from people - that just make me miserable. I have tried being honest with people - that just got me labelled "psychotic". I tried keeping it all to myself - that NEVER ends well for me.

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. The thing is the habit I need to break involves other people. It is difficult to find people who are willing to support me no matter what. So here I sit, crying, my worst fears realized - I am all alone! I only have me right now. Unfortunately ME is very broken right now.

So, I will do what I do best, dry my eyes, pick up self up, do some research and LEARN how to rebuild myself. Ultimately I can only ever count on myself. I know that I would be there for ANYONE in my life at any time if they needed me - so I CHOOSE to do the same for myself.

In keeping with my love of music I draw solace in the lyrics from my favourite band ~ "I will never know myself until I do this on my own. And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything till I break away from me. I will break away I'll find myself today".

Peace

Humpty Dumpty

In keeping with my true nature I have whole heartedly thrown all my energy and effort into dealing head on with my deepest darkest fears. The end result was inevitable. I now find myself knee deep in many different emotions and all of them painful beyond belief. I am broken! A complete write-off - it's no wonder my ex decided to get a new model - but I digress, this is about me.

As I approach the end of my VERY AGGRESSIVE anxiety workshops I have drilled even further into my fear of rejection. Well past my fear of relationships and people in general and I have finally reached my core fears. Having had low self esteem my entire life I was not really surprised to learn my core fears are that I am unlovable, I am unworthy, and I am incompetent. 

What did surprise me is how these fears trigger intense physical reactions in me when others do something to reinforce my fears. I have been calling these reactions "intuition" or "red flags". Seems on some level I already had a clue - but knowing DOES NOT make this any easier to deal with.

Sadly I am realizing that my entire adult life I have been surrounded by people at home and work who reinforced my deepest fears either with their words or their behaviours. Lack of affection confirmed I was unlovable. Lack of communication and openness confirmed I was unworthy to be trusted. Derogatory comments and references to being unstable confirmed I was incompetent to handle emotions.

I realize I can't change the past. All I can do is learn from it. I have worked very hard at building my self esteem over the last few years and now I understand "why" I have such anxiety in social situations. My anxiety is far bigger than not being good enough - I am afraid that all my core fears will be confirmed by the people in my life.

The more uncertain a situation is for me the more I begin to "believe" my core fears are true. I realize I have said many times that I don't deal well with ambiguity - now I understand why! Now this is where my thinking comes into play. Rather than "feel" unloved, unworthy and incompetent I use my thoughts as a means of protection. I think about all the possible outcomes of a situation - good or bad - this way I will be prepared for whatever happens and perhaps it won't HURT as much. 

I now see that this behaviour only allows the fears to become more real - to become larger than life. This is why I NEED to keep moving forward and face my fears. I have to HURT, I have to FEEL the emotions and I have to LEARN that they are NOT TRUE! I have to learn not to take things personally - I am loveable, I am worthy and I am competent.

I KNOW I will get through this no matter how broken I may feel right now! I am tenacious and I will put myself back together again - piece by piece if I have to! 

Peace