Just Call Me Alice

It was inevitable. I have fallen down the rabbit hole. Unlike the popular movie it is a dark and scary place. There are no signs of hope or happiness. Just like Alice I am never quite "right" - I am either too big, too small, or just a 'silly little girl'.

Self esteem is kind of like the Loch Ness monster for me. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of it, for a fleeting second I feel great, and then it is gone. Others seem to come by it naturally. Is it a gene that one is born with? Is it something you are taught as a child? Is it possible for me to build it now this late in my life?

I read something that said "others will treat us the way that we treat ourselves". Logically I understand the statement, spiritually I agree with the statement, but practically I don't know "how" to put the statement into effect. How does one 'learn' to value oneself?

I know myself very well. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know that I am a good, intelligent, kind and loving person. But this is not what I am talking about. Why do I always neglect myself for others? I don't hesitate to spend $28 on a journal for one of my kids, but I struggle with spending $4.26 on a notepad for myself. I will work on my vacation and countless weekends and evenings, but I will let guilt eat away at my insides over going back to school to further my education.

Why do I have such a hard time putting myself first? There are several friends who have recently entered my life and they astonish me with their self esteem. Their self worth shows through in subtle ways in everything they do - like never paying full price for anything or walking away from a negative environment. When they stand up for themselves it is not done in an angry or belligerent way - it is simply second nature for them - subliminally they say "I know what I want and if you can't give it to me I will find someone else who will". For someone like me - who won't even speak up when given the wrong meal at a restaurant - I find this amazing.

I wish I could take a course on how to build my self esteem - you know Build Your Self Worth in 7 Simple Steps - but knowing me I probably would not sign up because I could not justify spending that much money on myself. I wonder if being around people with strong self esteem 'rubs off' on you like being around negative people? Perhaps I should find out.

Peace

Home Sweet Home

The saying is "Home is where the heart is". Right now I have no idea where my heart is, but I do know where my home is. As nice as vacation is, it is always great to be home.

I was chatting with a friend and of course the first question was "How was your vacation?" What do I say? Do I lie and say it was great? Do I complain and say it was miserable? I opt for honesty - it was emotionally draining - it was good and it was bad - all in all it was nice to be away. My friend then asks if I broke down at all. The answer is easy - yes. Instead of sympathy or ridicule I got a simple and loving response "you should have called".

I know I should have called but sometimes I need to know that I can do things on my own and this was one of these times. Yes, I took a few steps backwards, but compared to how far I have travelled on my journey my "breakdown" was nothing but a tiny blip on the radar.

Now I am home. The only thing I don't like about coming home is the laundry.

Peace

Five Is the Loneliest Number

Socializing is difficult when you are single and everyone else is married. I know my friends go above an beyond to make me feel comfortable but somehow it is still awkward for me. Will it ever get better?

Having been part of a couple my entire adult life I am finding it a difficult transition. When we chat or play cards I am reminded of only the good times I had with my ex-husband. It would be nice if I could remember the bad times - it would make everything that much easier.

My ex-husband gave me a lot of reasons for why he was leaving me. One of the reasons that sticks in my mind is that I am too negative. As I sit here remembering only the good things I wonder "how" I can only see the good in him, even after everything, if I am such a negative person. My kids also say "why do you see the negative" when I ask them to bring water or running shoes when we head out. I don't see 'being prepared' as being negative, but the comments still hurt. Having been in a negative environment my entire adult life I wonder if I will ever be able to break free and see the bright side of the dark side.

As my week at the cottage winds down I am flooded with memories - both good and bad - and ALL of them painful. Tears stream readily down my face as I write this note, but I can't stop writing. The noise the pencil makes on the paper is soothing and the pencil strokes are cleansing. I need to release myself from the past and take the LEAP into my future.

A quote from one of my favourite bands comes to mind as I wrap things up ~The hardest part of ending is starting over again.

Here I am starting over again. It is overwhelming, it is frightening, and it is my life - so I CHOOSE to enjoy every bit of it and see the POSITIVE in change!

Peace

It's A Jungle Out There

I wonder how much truth there is to the animal phrases we use as part of the english language. "I'm as hungry as a bear" - are bears really that hungry? "He's as stubborn as a mule" - you know I have yet to meet a mule that I didn't like.

Cats and dogs are animals that I observe the most. I admit it. I used to act like a dog. I was running around in circles, chasing my tail, and doing tricks to get my ex-husband to love me. There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with being a dog unless you are a totally different animal...which I believe I am.

Once upon a time I would have referred to myself as a crocodile. I laid my eggs and left my babies to hatch and raise themselves. Today I would call myself a grizzly bear - you come between me and my cubs and you will lose the battle that will ensue.

I think I would describe my "work self" as a raven. I have a scary outer appearance, people are afraid to approach me, and the sight of me instills fear in some - but deep down inside I am intelligent, really curious and like "shiny" things.

Again, depending on the situation, I believe each of us has the characteristics of different animals within. In my personal life, when I meet my responsible, honest and loving partner, I will make sure that I do not become a dog again. Change is good, but in moderation. When you change too much of yourself to make someone else happy you only make yourself unhappy.

So what animal do I think I am? I'm not sure. I like the "ideal" of a cat - they don't go around trying to get everyone to love them. They pick and choose "when" they want love and "who" they want love from. A cat does not change for anyone - you either love them for who they are or you leave them. I know that I am NOT a solitary animal, I prefer "packs" and I would never be happy behaving like a cat all the time.

Perhaps I need to become a mixed breed. A catdog or a dogcat - a nice mix of both - I think that some compromise is important, but that compromise needs to be a 2-way street. If it's not, I will "swat" at you and walk away with my tail held high - just like a cat!

Peace

Where Have All the Single Women Gone?

Ok, time to complain. Similar to my dating issues, how does one go about finding new friends? Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with my current friends, it's just that it is often difficult to "pre-schedule" a coffee date 3 weeks from Thursday because I am going to feel down.

Back to meeting new people. I have joined a few groups, but they all seem to have cliques and I sort of feel like a third wheel. The other issue is that most of the meet ups are during the week which means I would need to leave the kids. Something I don't want to do.

The other day I got an email from the Meet up group informing me that there are 146 people in my area looking for a Single Parent group like myself, so why not start my own group up. Instead of deleting this email I decided to keep it.

What! Exactly, what am I thinking? First I am out writing blogs, and now I am thinking about running meet up groups? Who am I and what have I become?

In my quest for a happy and fulfilling life I believe that it is essential to have friends along the way. It is friends that turn the potholes into speed bumps. It is friends that make the tears turn into laughter. To clarify, when I refer to 'friends' I am not only talking about those life long  ones you have known since you were a newborn. I am referring to acquaintances, co-workers, the man who rides beside you on the bus everyday.

To me a friend is anyone who has made a positive impact in my life - no matter how small. Perhaps I use the term "friend" too loosely, but it works for me. In this day and age when it is often so hard to see the positive in anything every little bit helps and you can never have too many friends.

I will never lose touch with my childhood friends, but I will always leave my door open for new ones.

Peace

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I have returned to a familiar story line...the mind playing tricks on you and making things worse than they really are. The other night there was a huge thunderstorm. Normally I LOVE thunderstorms, but we were in the trees...by a lake...

As I ran through the cottage closing all the windows I tried to remember if lightening not passing through glass was fact or fiction. With a strong belief that it was fact I opened the curtains to watch the "show". Everything was lighting up! It was like daytime, only 2:30 in the morning. After about 2 minutes I quickly closed all the curtains and hastily returned to bed. Why, because my mind had become evil. In my mind I had envisioned a man  with a hook standing outside the window and I was afraid to watch the next lightening flash.

Seriously? I have NEVER been a horror movie buff for this very reason, and here I was "imagining" the Hookman outside my cottage in the middle of no-where-ville.

I guess the point that I am trying to make is that everyone fears different things at different times in their lives. If I asked my family and friends I am certain the majority would say that they fear death or the death of a loved one. My biggest fear right now is running into my ex-husband and the new "Mrs".

Since I am certain that this "fear" will one day become a reality I have tried to prepare myself mentally and emotionally. In my mind I go over "how" I will react, "what" she will look like, and "how" I will come away without looking like an idiot. I guess I am trying to make the "unknown" a "known".

I am quickly learning that this is an exercise in futility. No matter "how" much I prepare I am going to feel horrible, sad, angry and sick to my stomach all rolled into one. So, why am I unnecessarily getting myself upset? Why not deal with it when it happens?

This is a great question! I am not sure that I will ever be prepared for the day that I meet the new "Mrs" but I do know that when I am faced with the situation that the best thing I can do will be to say "I wish you both the best" and walk away.

Peace

Pay It Forward

Yesterday was going to be my last post. For various reasons I was beginning to feel that starting this endeavour was a colossal mistake. As I went online to post my blog last night there were 2 messages in my inbox.

Both messages conveyed basically the same message, that although my stories did not paralleled the sender's lives, that my stories touched them and encouraged them in many ways. It was as if some cosmic force was telling me "you are doing the right thing".

I have received many emails of encouragement, some from as far as Japan. I treasure each and every word. I am not writing these blogs because I "crave attention" but rather to help myself and others. To quote a sign pointed out to me today "Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world, but in the ability to remake ourselves".

My hope is that everyone who reads my posts will take something away. Whether it is telling someone something they did right instead of wrong, whether it's walking away from negativity or whether it's as simple as trying something "new".

You only get one chance at this life - live it well!

Peace

Mind Over Matter

Have you ever noticed that our thoughts, or fears, are always worse than the real thing? Why is it that we are so afraid of the unknown? Why is it so difficult to embrace the unknown and just go along for the ride?

Driving up to the cottage I had knots in my stomach until I reached the Muskoka area. It was at this point that all my tension, fears and preconceived ideas just melted away. I was calm, relaxed and at peace.

It was like coming home. I was born in Northern Ontario and although I have lived most of my life in Southern Ontario for some reason I still consider Northern Ontario "home". Perhaps its because of the way it makes me feel inside, perhaps its the memories of my childhood, or perhaps it is just the effect the scenery has on me.

All I know is that as soon as I see the pine trees, the rocks and the peek-a-boo lakes along the highway I feel "whole". So my return to the cottage...was just a trip back home.

Peace

The Last of the Firsts

I was wrong. I am still a mess. My stomach is in knots and everything is making me cry. I should be glad to be going away but I am not. I am returning to a familiar place that holds more than just family memories – it was the beginning of my end.

My family has been renting a cottage up north for years. Not always the same cottage/same lake, but this is something that we have done for years. The last time I went was 2 years ago. It was here that my ex-husband told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage. He said many not so nice things to me with the main one being he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married to me anymore.

Last year I couldn’t go. I wasn’t strong enough so I took my ‘new’ family on a new adventure to Tennessee. This year I asked the kids what they wanted to do. They wanted to go to the cottage. So off we go.

So...why would go back especially when I don’t want to go back? I don't know but on this journey I have felt compelled to do certain things. Sometimes I don’t even understand why I feel I MUST do certain things. I just know that I have to face my fears. There has been so much loss for everyone involved in this from family to friends and I just want to take back some of the stuff that has been lost along the way.

After a relationship ends it is the “First” occurrence of things that seems to be the worst. The first Christmas, first birthday, you get the idea. I have covered all the ‘firsts’ with the exception of this. So off I go to conquer my “last of the firsts”.

Peace

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

Well today is the BIG day! My kids come home. I work up early this morning and was happy. Made it to work early and was happy. Came home from work and was happy. Opened the door and walked in the house and burst into tears.

I was so upset I actually had to call a friend to calm me down. What the heck happened? I should be glad. The kids are coming home and then we are on vacation. Why was I crying uncontrollably?

My friend on the phone mentioned that I was more than likely releasing all the emotions I was holding in all week. Whether I was aware of it or not I was suppressing my emotions. This is something that never ends well for me.

As I sit writing this I have knots in my stomach and I am jumpier than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Why is this? I really have no answers. I have no positive or cleaver insight. I have no idea.

Emotions are a funny thing. If we could always control them and understand them I think people would be very boring. So rather than ponder this unknown I intend to focus all my attention on packing and simply bide my time until I hear “Hi! We’re home!”

Peace

Somewhere I Belong

I am sure this has happened to most of us. You wake up one morning and try to figure out who the heck is staring back at you in the mirror! Last night when I went to bed I was a young, beautiful, sexy woman. Staring back at me this morning was a bloated, baggy eyed monster from Supernatural. What happened to me overnight?

Add to the mix a headache, nausea and a backache.  This has been happening every morning this week and I started to wonder "why". The person in the mirror looked a lot like the "old" me - tired, late for everything, overall a physical and emotional mess. What happened to the "new" me? Did she go on vacation with the kids?

As I was driving to work - it hit me. The cause of my unexpected transformation was...STRESS! We have all been under it, felt it but so few of us know how to recognize and deal with it before it becomes an issue. Here I was with all the signs and symptoms (ok it could be PMS too but that is another story).

My first choice of therapy was to crank up the tunes. This helped until I got to work, then it was a whole new ball game. None of my newly learned coping mechanisms were releasing the knot in my stomach. By the end of my "Day From Hell" the LAST thing I wanted to do was go on my 40 Acre Woods photo walk.

So, true to my new self, I made myself go! After a few minutes into the walk I noticed my jaw had started to unclench and my migraine was now just a headache. The more I started to absorb the beauty around me the better I started to feel!

At one point someone said "there's not much to photograph here" and I quickly replied "you are not looking in the right places". I think a more appropriate response would have been 'you are looking with your eyes not your HEART'. When you look at the world with your heart it has healing power. For me it's nature, for you it may be something else.

A short time after starting my journey I started walking at work and reading under a tree at lunch. I call it my "being at one with nature" time. My coworkers and even my kids laugh at me, but when I sit and listen to the birds, feel the sun on my face, watch the wind blow the trees I forget all my worries and the stress just melts away.

I have yet to remove all the stress from my life but for now "being at one with nature" works wonders for me!

Peace

Fried Green Tomatoes

When my ex-husband first moved out of the house I wrote him a “goodbye” letter saying goodbye to all of my hopes and dreams I had for us. Writing this letter was something I needed to do at the time to help me cope. To be honest it wasn’t exactly a positive letter.

I think that I am now in a place to write him a positive letter – kind of a “thank you” letter. Like it or not this event has brought many positive changes to my life. So if I were to write a “thank you” letter it might go something like this.

~ Thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself. While I am still in the process of growing a backbone I no longer let others walk all over me.

~ Thank you for continuously reminding me that there is no one or nothing on this earth that is more important than my children. You have taught me to never put any man before my kids.

~ Thank you for giving me this unique opportunity to find myself. Reconnecting with the activities I truly enjoy makes me ecstatic.

~ Thank you for showing me that others can’t make you happy – happiness only comes from within.

~ In closing I would like to tell you that you were right. On the day you left me your last words to me were “You deserve someone better” and you were right – I do.

I started to change about 4 years before my marriage actually fell apart. For the longest time I have been blaming myself for the breakdown of my marriage. If I hadn’t tried to change I would still be married, he would still be with me and I wouldn’t be alone. But the truth is I had to change to keep living – I was dying inside. To quote Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes – “Someone put a mirror up to my face and you know what. I didn’t like what I saw. So you know what I did? I changed!”

In closing, last and most important a big THANK YOU goes to me for having the courage and the strength to change. Some days I am not happy with the end results, but EVERY day I am PROUD of the ME I am becoming.

Peace

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers

Along the lines of my “Do You Buy Organic?” post why is it so hard to treat ourselves right? Why do we feel like we ‘don’t deserve’ something? Or why do we put other’s needs before our own?

I was shopping last night for our vacation. I thought to myself that I should buy a note pad. Yes, I know, I am writing a Blog so I should be using a computer. You are correct; however, my mind has a mind of its own. Thoughts and ideas don’t come to me at the computer they pop into my head in the shower, in the car, cleaning the cat litter, pretty much everywhere BUT the computer. Seeing as the vacation involves renting a cottage I figured a note pad was a better idea.

My New Note Pad

Off I go to the stationary aisle. I started looking at the note pads. There was a really nice one I liked, but it was $9.96. I couldn’t justify that price. A less expensive one at $4.26 caught my eye. I snatched it up and put it in my buggy. Then I placed it back on the shelf. What was I thinking paying $4.26 when I could go to the Dollar Store and buy one for $1.25? But this one had a cardboard which would make it easier to write in at the beach...but with the other one I would save $3! It was only paper after all.

As I stood in the aisle arguing with myself I started to wonder WHY I felt I wasn’t worth the extra $3? If the marginally more expensive note pad made me happier why couldn’t I buy it? Why did I feel that I DESERVED the “cheaper” version?

My whole life I have felt under appreciated. Is this because I have always subconsciously under appreciated myself? WOW what an epiphany! Perhaps people disrespect me because I let them by subconsciously believing that I don't deserve any better. I have always known that I have low self-esteem, and this was now starting to make sense to me. I NEVER stand up for myself and I always put others first. Perhaps I needed to challenge myself yet again...I need to put ME first!

And I did just that. I bought the $4.26 note pad because I deserve it! When I got to the car the first thing I did was to open the note pad and I penned this post.

Peace

Don’t Cry Over Spilt Milk

Now that I have my Blog up and running I have started receiving emails from several concerned friends. The basic theme of the emails is that ‘they did not realize that I was having such a difficult time with this transition in my life’. As I read the comments of growing concern I chuckle to myself. How could I NOT be having a difficult time of this? When you have spent 24 years of your life (more than ½ of it) with 1 person and suddenly that person is gone from your life there is a HUGE sense of loss. I am by no means claiming to be an innocent victim in all of this I take ½ of the responsibility of the breakdown of my marriage (ok more like 35%), but I did the best that I could with the knowledge I had at the time. My ex-husband also did the best he could with what he knew at the time. Rather than mope, whine and complain (ok I do that sometimes) I am LEARNING from my mistakes and I am CHANGING so they will never happen again.

A few months ago I had a health scare. It put a lot of things in perspective for me. I thought I had moved on, but my ex-husband was the FIRST person to visit me in the hospital and to be honest that threw me for a loop. I realized that I had many unresolved issues and that I would NEVER be able to completely and honestly move on until I FORGAVE him. Now by forgiveness I don’t mean condoning what he did to me by any means. By forgiveness I mean “moving past the issue” simply, letting it go.

So I started working on “WHY” I was having such a hard time letting go. I realized that part of my issue is that I was keeping everything inside. Telling my friends and family that I was doing GREAT! That I was out and about doing things and having the time of my life. Not only was I lying to them, but I was lying to myself. Yes, I was getting out and doing things, but I was just going through the motions and not ‘truly’ enjoying myself. My life had become a facade.

One day when the kids were at their father’s I was flipping through the channels and saw a show that piqued my interest. It was the Shania Twain show on the Oprah network. I started watching. It was so nice to see that someone so beautiful, so famous and so ‘together’ was just as messed up as me! The thing that really made an impression on me was that even though Shania had a new man in her life and things were ‘excellent’ for her she was still having difficulty singing. She knew that until she resolved all her past issues she could not move forward.

So, like Shania I started thinking about ‘WHAT’ I could do to start resolving some of my issues. I started with photography. I will continue to do this, but I needed something more. And then that was how the Notes/Blog idea came about. So I guess what I am trying to say is that although many of you are extremely concerned about my well being at this point – I want you to have faith that by the time you have read my post I have resolved the issue. I am finding this venue to be far more therapeutic than anything I have done to date – and it works wonders on my self esteem!

Please don’t stop emailing me or commenting on my posts – I do love to hear from everyone – I do get lonely. But please remember that I am fine. And most days I am better than fine, I am good. And some days I am GREAT! The plus is that the GREAT days are now starting to happen a lot more frequently. One thing I have learned – and hopefully this will put your minds at ease – is to ask for directions when you are lost. So if you receive a phone call from me out of the blue – I am most likely lost and need a guiding light.

Peace

As Clear As Mud

I was on Facebook this morning looking at the comments of my recently posted pictures and in the side bar there was a picture of a monkey with my cousin’s name on it. So I went to check out the photos. The photos were taken by my cousin’s sister-in-law – who has her own photo studio and posts “Photo of the Day” by Imagine My Photo. As I clicked through the beautiful shots of scenery, children and many other subjects there was 1 photo that stuck in my mind. It was a picture of a lizard. It wasn’t so much the picture that caught my interest it was the text she had written below ~ “Shed the skin you don’t want and start fresh”.

I think this message stuck in my head because it reinforces my belief that we all have the ability to change. Change is not an easy thing. Change is often a scary thing. Change is like stirring up the water in a fish bowl – one minute everything is calm, clear and apparent – the next the waters are hazy, rough and tumultuous. Many people perceive change to be a necessary evil and frown upon it.

I always thought I was open and receptive to change; however, I have learned that I am quite the opposite. We took a seminar at work about change and at the beginning there was a questionnaire that rated us on our receptiveness to change – I rated a 2 out of 5. I was on the low end of the scale, one of the ones who didn’t like change. The more I thought about this, the more I realized that I was resistant to change. What the heck happened? I used to be adventurous, I used to be spontaneous, I used to love to live life on the edge – what happened and where did that person go?

This work seminar took place almost 2 years ago. Since this realization I have made a huge effort to overcome my fear of change and ‘go with the flow’. It is not an easy battle, and yes I would call it a battle – some days just getting myself out the door is a battle. I am not a tiger trying to change her stripes, but more like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. Or for those who have been by my side day in and day out through my transformation, a bear waking up from hibernation! I sometimes slip into my old habits and give myself the old excuses “I’m too tired”, “I don’t have enough time”, “I won’t know anyone there”, “I just wanted to do NOTHING today”. Sometimes the ‘new’ me wins and sometimes the ‘old’ me wins but I have noticed that when the ‘old’ me wins I often start to regret my decision as I start to image what I could have been doing instead...

Right now compromise seems to the solution for me. I don’t deal well with ambiguity, so I need to take baby steps for my own sanity. What is a compromise for me? Well right now it would be to find an activity that gets me out of the house but not necessarily interacting with an entire group of strangers (new people). Being nice and chatting with people I don’t know (in line at the store, in the street, etc.). Emailing people and praising them for their amazing work – earlier today I sent an email to my cousin’s sister-in-law telling her how much I admired her photographic work. Or if I am in the “I just wanted to do NOTHING today” mood, walking to the park and reading a book under a tree (yes I know this is a solitary activity, but I now do it in a public place)...again BABY STEPS! I am not trying to become a DIFFERENT person – I am trying to become the kind of person I know I am inside. I would like to think that my closest friends already know I am this kind of person – but I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and start letting the world know that I am this kind of person!

Peace

The Name of My Blog

As my first post on my new blog I thought I would just cover something simple like the name of my blog. I have said this once or twice before (see my previous posts) and I will say it again. I realize that I am not the only person in the world to feel like this – this is how I am coping. Bad things happen to good people. I believe that it is ‘what’ we learn from these events that make us who we are. In addition to writing for ‘mental therapy’ if my words touch anyone in any small way I will be glad. My goal is to keep posting every day until I no longer have a need to post.

Oh - right - how does this tie into the name...well my friend I get a lot of my inspiration from songs and this Aerosmith tune seemed to summarize my story. You have probably heard a lot of the things that I am writing many times before, as I have already alluded to, my story, or as I like to call it 'my journey' is no different than thousands of others out there. Hence the name of my blog site.

Why Blog? In my very first post I said “I am learning to use my skills to push myself out of my comfort zone”. After my first few Notes on Facebook I started to realized that I really wasn’t ‘pushing  myself’ anywhere. Most of the stuff I was posting I have told my friends face to face. Add to this that only Facebook friends could read my Notes – how scary was that? Not very.

I also said that I didn’t care if everyone read my posts or no one read my posts. It would appear that this too matters to me. When I get comments from others it reminds me that I am not alone in my journey. So here I am 'learning' how to post a blog, 'pushing' myself out of my comfort zone and well on my way to healing, grieving and forgiving.

Peace

My Teacher Is Divorced – Do You Want to Meet Him?

Originally posted July 15, 2011 on Facebook.

I find it funny that my children are pushing me to get out and meet men, yet my friends are telling me ‘It will happen when you aren’t looking’, ‘You’ll find love when you least expect it’ or ‘You are trying too hard’.  In this case I think my kids are on the right track.

Do parents say to their kids ‘You should drop out of school, because it will happen when you aren’t looking’? ‘There is no need to pay for an education because you will find a career when you least expect it’. ‘Stop studying, you are trying too hard’. Come on seriously! So why should I walk around with my eyes closed hoping that the man of my dreams one day knocks on my door and asks me forCOFFEE?

Honestly, if I’m not getting out and meeting new people (single/married/male/female) I will never find a suitable companion. Does this mean I will settle for the first bloke that asks me out? Definitely not! I know what I am passionate about and more importantly I know what I don’t want (unlike when I was 16). I know who I am now – although every day I learn more about myself. And I know what R-E-S-P-E-C-T spells (something I only learned recently).

Is there a man of my dreams out there? Probably not. I realize that no one is perfect, nor am I, but I am not looking for perfection. I am looking for honesty, responsibility, lovingness, and laughter. I don’t think my standards are too high, but I refuse to settle for anyone who is looking for a spark, chemistry or a connection. So if you know any single guys my number is....

All kidding aside I know that I have a partner out there and that we will meet through a friend of a friend.  So...I am off to make new friends!

Peace

Could I Get That in Writing?

Originally posted July 14, 2011 on Facebook.

A friend of mine asked me the other day if it would be ‘ok’ if she contacted my ex. It seems that their hot water heater was broken. Of course I had no issues with giving her the ex’s contact information and hoped that he would be able to help them out with their water heater issue.

This event got me thinking. When you get a divorce do you automatically divorce your ex’s friends? Is this something I should have put in the divorce agreement? Who gets what friends? If you were friends with them BEFORE we were a couple you get to keep them? What if they were friends we made WHILE we were a couple? Are these people up for grabs? Having never dated anyone BUT my ex – what is the etiquette when a couple splits?

And what about family? I like my ex-mother-in-laws family. Do I need to sever all ties with them because I am now not part of the family? How does that work? I have seen several members of the ex-family over the last year and they have all asked me to keep in touch. Was it just a nicety? Or did they really mean it? I'm sure that there are some of you that would like to lose the in-laws all together, but I happen to like mine.

I have been hiding in a hole for so long that this revelation is only starting to hit me now. I miss quite a few of my ex’s friends. Some of them go back years. I wonder if I should call or if it will make things awkward because they now socialize with my ex and the new ‘Mrs’.

My intent in writing this was to express my confusion in regards to the proper divorce protocols, but now I am observing that the amount of ‘loss’ extends further than myself and my children. It is times like this that I am proud of myself for being beyond civil with my ex – it makes it easier to maintain connections with my ex-family and the ex’s friends. From some of the divorce horror stories I have heard – I know that I am lucky.

Peace

I Should Have Taken a Left Turn at Albuquerque

Originally posted July 13, 2011 on Facebook.

I have to say that I was extremely disappointed when I woke up this morning still in the pits of despair. I was hoping that a good night sleep was all I needed to rectify my sorrows. I was wrong.

Perhaps it was because I didn’t really have a restful sleep. Perhaps it was because too many things happened yesterday that were out of control. Perhaps it was due to unresolved issues in my personal life. Or most likely it was FEAR OF CHANGE!

Nevertheless I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and into the shower – telling myself what I often preach to the kids ‘Suck it up Buttercup’. While I was showering I started to contemplate “why” I was so down.

The truth is I still love my ex-husband. Now don’t go freaking out! It doesn’t mean that I want him back. It doesn’t mean that I am not moving forward with my life. It means simply what it means – I still love him. Just because you are angry with someone doesn’t mean that you stop loving them. Then I started to understand – he stopped loving me a long time ago. He has moved on, and I will move on as well, I am just not in the same place that he is in. We were on different paths in the woods – he has come out on the other side and I am still on my journey.

How does someone just ‘turn off’ their feelings for someone after spending more than ½ your life with them? Then throw 2 kids in the mix – I realized you can’t just shut everything off! Then I started to FORGIVE myself for still loving him. I then reminded myself that my journey was about HEALING, GRIEVING and FORGIVENESS and right now I needed some time to do all 3!

I forced myself to start crying. I started sobbing and do you know what happened next? Instead of sobbing uncontrollably for hours and moping around for days I suddenly felt better. My tears flowed for about 2 minutes and then I felt better. My heart no longer hurt, I found my smile (it was hiding behind a tree), and the tears in my eyes look like diamonds.

Best of all...I never had to stop and ask for directions! I found my way on my own.

Peace

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut, Sometimes You Don’t

Originally posted July 12, 2011 on Facebook.

I realize that this journey is not something that is meant to be fast or easy. I also realize that no one can be happy all the time. My purpose in writing these notes is to heal, mourn and forgive.

Today I am having a hard time seeing all that I have accomplished so far. My heart hurts, my smile is MIA and my eyes have pools of tears so deep that I feel I might drown in them. Add to this my support system failed. So ultimately I have been left to my own devices to pick myself up.

I have to admit that I haven’t fared so well. I have fallen into my old habits. I have tried several of the new coping methods I have learned, to no avail. It is days like this that I realize that I must force myself to do exactly what I don’t want to do!

I have to remind myself that this is a journey, not a straight road to a destination. My journey is through the wood and takes many winding and twisting paths, some of which cross back on themselves. Sometimes I will lose my way and I could end up taking the same path over and over. But I believe that given all I have learned so far that if I am unable to find my true path shortly I will stop and ask for directions.

Peace

I Can’t See the Difference – Can You See the Difference?

Originally posted July 11, 2011 on Facebook.

A funny thing happened to me the other day. I was on my way to the lab for some blood work. An elderly gentleman smiled and said ‘hi’ to me. I replied. I thought I had attracted his attention because I was in one of my ‘I’m too sexy for myself’ moods. The lab tech happily chatted with me while drawing my blood and to my surprise when I left the lab I had a lady say ‘hi’ to me. Interesting...3 more people smiled, said ‘hi’ and 1 even waved to me on my way to my car. I started to wonder if I had a “Kick me” sign on my back.

Over the next week I have noticed that this day in the lab was not a fluke. Everyday people have been friendlier. Why? Is it something in the water? The warm weather? Nope – I think it’s me. Well, I am great after all.

Ok, seriously. I have changed. I walk with my head held high. I look others in the eye. I smile as I am walking, even if I am not passing someone and I sometimes laugh at myself. I have changed. I say “hello”, “good morning” and I take the time to see “how you are doing”.

I believe that it is this change in my posture and attitude that has brought about a change in how others treat me. We all know that you should always treat others as you wish to be treated, but I thought it only applied to being polite, or saying nice things, you know the big stuff. What I didn’t realize is that it applies to EVERYTHING you do every moment of the day. Now – that is a tall order, as not everyone can be happy and bubbly all the time, but if you take the time to make your outward appearance pleasant and inviting – you will be pleasantly surprised by how others treat you.

It has nothing to do with the packaging – it’s what’s inside that counts!

Peace

My Table of 8

Originally posted July 10, 2011 on Facebook.

I am supposed to pick 8 women who have touched my life and whom I think might participate. Yes, it is a chain email. Why did I feel compelled to forward this email to 10 of my friends? Was it because I was afraid to be cursed by breaking the chain? Was it because I was scared something bad would happen and come my way? No – it’s simple – I liked the quote and the people I sent it to have all touched my life in many different ways.

The quote of the email is as follows “May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us." Aside from the grammatical errors this quote mirrors where I am right now in my journey.

If you believe in yourself ~ everyone will believe in you. If you love yourself ~ everyone will love you. If you are happy ~ everyone around you will become happy. This all ties into my Note from yesterday – the vibes you put out into the universe are the vibes you will get back. Or ‘what goes around comes around’. Some of the people I sent this to will just delete the email, while others may take the time to read the content and not forward it. Regardless of what happens I have sent out my positive footprint for the day.

Along this line of thought – perhaps I should be writing a note to each person who had touched my life and thank them for helping me up when I had fallen. Why is it that we have no problem telling people what they have done wrong – but it makes us uncomfortable to tell them what they have done right!

Here is a challenge for everyone (myself included). For one day tell every person that you are in contact with what they have done “right”. See how good it makes you feel. Notice how good it makes the other person feel. I believe that wonderful things will happen.

Peace

Music Soothes Even the Savage Beast

Originally posted July 9, 2011 on Facebook.

My taste in music often reflects my mood. Right now one of my favourite tunes is Crabbuckit by K-OS. The first time I heard this song it was the bass that caught my attention. After listening to it a few more times it was the words. “No time to get down because I’m movin’ up. Check out the crab in the bucket.”

I have to admit that I did not know what “crab in a bucket” meant. So I looked it up. Apparently when crabs are placed in a bucket and one tries to climb out of the bucket the other crabs will try to pull the ‘escaping crab’ back down into the bucket.

This made me think about how like it or not each of us takes on the emotions of those around us. If you are constantly surrounded by negative people – you yourself will become a negative person. As you try to remove yourself from the negativity someone or something keeps dragging you back in.

It’s funny that some people don’t like it when you are happy and doing healthy, positive things for yourself. They try to convince you that you are not as happy as you seem. They try to remind you of all the pain and hurt that you have experienced, or they try to tempt you from your path and undermine your purpose and direction. Why is it that misery loves company? I don’t know.

What I do know is that like K-OS says I have no time to get down because I am moving up.  There are those who are trying to pull me back down into the bucket – but I won’t let them this time. Things are different now because I have changed and I am worthy of all the best that life has to offer. Will I leave these people struggling in the bucket? No. But I will not let them drag me down either. I am on a journey into the unknown. A journey that only I can take and perhaps not everyone will support me in my journey, but for those people that are not willing to support me  I have to wonder – are these people just crabs in the bucket?

Peace

When Did Coffee Become Something Other Than Coffee?

Originally posted July 8, 2011 on Facebook.

The last time I dated anyone I was 16 years old, you know like 5 years ago! Now I find myself single and learning how to date. HA! That is a joke. No seriously – it’s freaking hilarious. How does one go about meeting someone else in this day and age? It’s been over 25 years since I dated and I NEVER dated as an adult. Between work, the kids, the house and all the activities there is no time to meet anyone – so I did what all the commercials on tv told me to do – I started online dating.

I have heard a few successful online dating stories but they are few and far between. The flip side to that is most people tell me that “they are only looking for sex or they are married”. To be honest – I have been hard pressed to find either. The people I have met online seem to want to stay online. As soon as I say that I want to meet for coffee they suddenly get cold feet and stop chatting with me. The really brave ones suck it up and meet with me – only to never be heard from again.

The one thing that I notice about most of the men that I have met online is that they are all looking for the same thing – that ‘spark’, ‘chemistry’, or a ‘connection’. As they chat a little more I start to learn that they left their spouse because there was no spark/chemistry/connection. And as they chat even more I realize that they are not ‘over’ their ex. They have tried to move on to quickly, missing the important lesson that the spark/chemistry/connection is fleeting – that ‘friendship/companionship/comfort’ is the key to a lasting relationship.

Once in a while I start chatting with someone who wants to meet for “coffee”. Until I met with this one young fellow (he was 30) I had no idea that coffee had become COFFEE! Imagine my surprise – in my day it was a ‘bootie call’. At least he was up front and honest about it. He left me his number in case I ever changed my mind...I never called it, but I still haven’t thrown it out either.

Again as part of my healing, grieving and forgiving I have removed myself from all online dating sites. I am taking time to find me, to focus on me and to enjoy me. I know that I have attracted a responsible, honest, and loving partner, I just haven’t met him yet...or maybe I have...

Peace

Look Ma No Hands!

Originally posted July 7, 2011 on Facebook.

Have you ever noticed that once you have kids you begin to be proud of the things your children have accomplished rather than the things you, yourself have accomplished? “Jimmy just won 1st place in track and field” “Suzie was valedictorian for her class”.

Yesterday I rode a bike for the first time in over 25 years. Some people might think “this is no accomplishment”, others may think “how embarrassing” but I was extremely proud of myself. I was terrified to do it, thinking I may fall but you know what – I didn’t fall and all was good. After I started talking about my accomplishment and how proud I was other people at work started talking about things that they were proud to have done. One fellow played soccer for the first time in over 20 years and others were proud to have resolved an issue or completed their project before the deadline.

What I am trying to say is that it doesn’t matter how big or small the feat is that you have accomplished you are entitled to be proud of a job well done. We are raised to believe that being proud of yourself will make you conceited. I don’t think that bragging and being proud of something are the same think. I also think that instead of having “bitch fests” we should have “proud fests” where everyone sits around and says something that they are proud they have done!

What have you done recently that you were proud of? Shout it out loud! You are worthy of the praise.

Peace