Lies, Greed and Misery

I have never been one who enjoyed soap operas, Dance Moms, or a reality tv - I don't enjoy the drama. All the lies, greed and deception leave me feeling empty and cold. I will never understand the need to deceive.

We all lie - most times it's to protect someone's feelings - but this is not what I am referring to. I am talking about omitting important pieces of information, 'flowering' things up, or just making things up to 'sway' my opinion or to 'win' me over. The satisfaction in 'pulling the wool' over someone's eyes alludes me - I just don't get it. For me honesty is the best I can hope for.

The truth hurts. I liken it to a paper cut. A paper cut can make even the toughest man scream in pain and agony. But like the truth, all paper cuts are small, hurt like hell and then are quickly forgotten. The good thing about a paper cut is you can learn from it. Should you choose, you can change your behaviour to prevent paper cuts in the future. Deception (lying, avoidance, etc.) on the other hand is like having an ulcer. You can't see anything from the outside, but you just don't feel right inside. Eventually your insides start to erode and you suffer from constant pain and if not dealt with can eventually die from internal bleeding.

I believe that everyone I meet has a reason or a purpose in my life. Some people simply confirm my ability to trust my instincts. Others teach me that I am capable of things I didn't know were possible any more. Some guide me through the dark points of my journey. This time I am at a loss. I have met someone who is my polar opposite - someone who represents everything I abhor - but my instincts didn't tell me to run. Now I struggle with the drama this person has introduced to my life.

I know I can walk away at any time - that is my choice; however I know how difficult it is to change. I know how frustrating it can be when those around you 'can't see' or 'don't believe' that you have changed. I get so upset and disheartened when I am "pigeon holed" based on my 'old' behaviours. Am I being naive? Am I being deceived? Or is my 'gut' on the right track?

I realize that being in a toxic situation does not make you a stronger person but perhaps this time it's not about me being a positive influence in someone's life. Perhaps the lesson is for me. Do I have trust issues? Are my expectations too high? Am I too demanding? Perhaps I have been given this opportunity to really explore who I am and what I can and cannot accept.

Peace

Faint

"If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." ~ Geddy Lee

The power of decision is the power of making the choice for yourself instead of allowing the choice to happen to you. I find that I am often afraid to make a decision because I fear that I will make the WRONG decision. I am learning that it is not always about making the RIGHT decision, it is about making the decision RIGHT, especially when people are involved.

I have found something that I deal with far worse than ambiguity - it is avoidance - the act of keeping away from or preventing from happening. Am I guilty of this? Yes. I have avoided people/ situations in hopes that they "go away" and then I don't need to be the 'bad guy', but I have learned the error of my ways. It's not easy to make a difficult decision. What happens if I make a mistake? What happens if I chose to do the wrong thing? What happens if I chose to do the right thing? What happens if I regret my decision?

I am learning to look at my core values when making a difficult decision. Which choice is the best for me? Sometimes this decision is not easy but I usually know the answer deep down inside. When I am in doubt I 'call a friend' - well usually send an email - to get their thoughts on the subject. And then depending on the decision that needs to be made I will give myself a timeline - with people, the sooner the better.

I know that I won't always make the right choices - but at least I will have had the power and the opportunity to CHOOSE what I believed was right for me at that time. And when I make the wrong choices I have a great support system to help me out!

Now I just need to figure out what to do when I am the object of avoidance. This type of behaviour has quickly become number 1 on my disrespect scale! I can tolerate a lot of things (although that list is quickly shrinking) but this is not one of them. So perhaps my choice is simple - walk away. 

"I can't feel the way I did before. Don't turn your back on me - I won't be ignored." ~ Linkin Park

Peace

From the Inside

There are many things in life that I don't understand, nor do I care to understand. One thing that I do know is that I write a lot more when I am down or upset. As it turns out I did not have enough tickets for any rides at the amusement park and as result I have left the park.

It's okay. I am beginning to think that I don't belong at the park - or anywhere else for that matter. At least that is how I feel at the moment. You see the thing is I don't know what I don't know. I am not sure how I can be expected to 'know' how to act/behave/do things that I have never done as an adult. 

For the first time ever I didn't listen to anyone. I didn't think too much. I didn't ponder "what does this mean". Nor did I question anything. I just acted on my feelings and how I felt at the time - what a change for me! But the reality was - being me was still not good enough and ultimately I ended up getting hurt again.

I know, I have been told by many people, many times, that 'it is their loss'; 'they were just not the right one'; 'you have to kiss many frogs before you find your prince'. The thing is I am not looking for a prince and I LOVE frogs, but aside from all of that I do hear what you are all telling me. I am not "whining" because I did not get what I wanted, I am "griping" because it is so hard and emotionally draining to stay positive, trusting and hopeful. I don't know who to trust - even my gut has let me down. It is days like this that I understand why so many people choose to stay single.

I never thought of myself as someone who would choose to be single but I have to say that this is something I am certainly considering. What people don't know is that every man I meet takes away a small piece of me - part of my energy - and I honestly don't know if I can handle losing any more of my energy. I may sound callus and heartless in my posts - but I really am not. I remember EVERY man's name who I have met for coffee. I remember what he did for a living, how many children he had and his story. Why? Because I care, sometimes I care too much.

I have been trying not to care, but it's something that I can't change about myself. At first I allowed my 'caring' side to show and I was quickly taken advantage of or told I was 'too emotionally needy'. So I tried a different approach. I tried to continue about my business and not to 'care too much' and I now hear I am 'too busy', cold and distant. It would appear that I can't win for losing and the whole thing just takes so much out of me. 

Peace

Look Out Here Comes Tomorrow

Forrest Gump said that life is like a box of chocolates. Right now my life resembles an amusement park more than a box of chocolates. Everywhere I turn I see adventure, fun and entertainment. With so many things to do at the amusement park yet I strangely find myself drawn to the rides...I don't really like rides.

Now before you can get to the rides at any amusement park you first must pass through the "game alley". I guess some people actually enjoy playing games otherwise this section would not exist, but I am not one of these people. I have always found these games to be a waste of time and money. Even if you are "lucky" enough to win something, the prize is usually small and cheap. So seeing as I can't get to the rides without going through the game alley I just stand tall and ignore all the 'hey sweetie' requests to come and play.

As I move into the "Rides" section of the park the first set of rides are the "classic" rides -

the carousel, Tilt-a-Whirl, swings. These rides do not come with "WARNING" signs. They tend to be the same thing over and over, moving either in circles or up and down. These rides are predictable and reliable - what you see is what you get. There is little to no risk when riding them. They stand the test of time. 

The next area does not contain rides per se but rather "attractions" - the fun house, haunted house. These attractions are filled with deception. The intent is to lure you in under false pretense, to get your guard down and then take advantage of you. They appear to be one thing and then when the truth is revealed they are quite another. I have either left laughing or screaming from both of these types of attractions and hope to avoid them at all costs. Remember I don't deal well with ambiguity.

At the back of the park are the "thrill" rides - roller coasters, bungee jumping. Each and every one of these rides comes with an extensive list of risks and warnings - may cause nausea, injury, do not ride if you have a heart condition. These rides go fast, upside down, sideways and backwards. Inevitably someone always gets hurt.

I can choose to go on any ride I want - but here is the thing - I can't go on the carousel and expect it to do 'flips'. Nor can I go on the roller coaster and expect it to 'slow down'. I know that the ride will NEVER change - so I need to pick the ride I go on wisely. Once I take a seat and that ride begins I will need to keep my arms and legs in at all times until the ride comes to a complete STOP.

I just hope I have enough tickets to get on the ride of my choice!

Peace