Anger is an emotion I have worked very hard at keeping out of my life. I have a hard time seeing the value in getting angry about things. Perhaps anger is not the right word, holding a grudge may be a 'better fit'. Most of the time I feel that there is nothing that can change the outcome of events, so you might as well get on board. Better to be on the bus than under it.
Many people ask me why I find Doctor Who so entertaining. Aside from the awesome story lines, fabulous actors and the overall concept, I would have to say that Doctor Who has taught me one of the most important lessons of life.
"Sometimes you fail, sometimes you screw up, and sometimes you try your very hardest, do your very best and it still isn't enough." Depending on which Doctor you are it is at this time you pick yourself up, dust off your jacket/ tie your shoelace/ straighten your bow tie, and move on!
I have known my behaviours for a long time; however, I often try to change them rather than accept them. My recent withdrawal from civilization is common for my personality type, which has "been known to cut off a relationship or friendship and not look back". Once I acted on my 'gut' behaviours I quickly realized my anger had stemmed from trusting someone who offered me hope and then took it away. Now that's enough to make anyone dangerous - never mind me.
I have learned that what I focus on is what becomes 'real' for me. So instead of focusing on what I perceive to be my 'bad' behaviours I am focusing on accepting my behaviours as 'what is right for me'. As I started feeling my emotions rather than focusing on 'why I had these emotions' I was able to move on.
The more I started to accept my behaviours as 'right for me' the more my anger started to dissipate. As my anger started to fade, I started to forgive myself. As I forgave myself I started to accept who I am. While this is somewhat of a process, the more I accept myself the happier I realize I am. Recently my level of happiness has moved to a higher level. For almost a month now I have been ecstatic. My heart has been swelling so much I feel as if it might burst.
I love everything in my life, about my life and who I am. I am proud of the fabulous job I have done in regards to my self development. I am aware that I have done wonders with my self esteem and now it is time to pause and simply enjoy my victories. I am at peace.
Peace
Warning: Prolonged exposure to Doctor Who music may cause multiple side effects. These may include growing a spine, standing up for yourself, developing a strong sense of justice, loving liberty & freedom, becoming easily angered with righteous fury when facing down tyrants and criminals, and forming strong bonds with family and friends.
"The way I see it every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." ~ Doctor Who
I have always tried to add to everyone's pile of good things. I felt this was my "purpose" in life. I now feel that nothing I do is good enough for anyone. Everyone either wants more or is disappointed by what I bring to the table.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with my life. I have a great new job that I am truly enjoying. I am closer now to my kids than I have ever been. And I am gradually accepting that the only person I can count on is me. But now I question - if it's only me - what is my purpose in life?
Perhaps I am facing a mid-life crisis? Perhaps I have just spent too much time alone - who knows? All I know is everyone has dreams but very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend.
I'm tired of always having to be the one to "reach out" for help. I'm tired of always being the one to initiate and continue communication. Friends are people you stay in touch with, but it has to be 2-way communication.
Doing what I do best I have now pushed everyone in my life away. I have retreated once again. Why? Because I am tired of all the pain. Everyone leaves and I am left with an empty heart and no hope.
I find it amusing when people tell me that I am "cold and heartless". You see I am the exact opposite. My flaw - I care too much and get too emotionally attached to people. In addition I trust far too easily and can be too open. All of this makes it perplexing when I am told that I have "trust issues". To me having "trust issues" implies one has a lack of trust, not too much trust.
I am trying to choose my friends with greater care, but this is exactly what has gotten me in this mess. So here I sit wondering how to teach myself to become what others perceive me to be - cold, uncaring and unable to trust.
Peace
"Did you think it's cool to walk right up to take my life and fuck it up? Now did you?" ~ Static-X
Why is it that we want/ enjoy things that we can't have or are no good for us? This is a universal issue - I'm hard pressed to find anyone who "craves" a big juicy apple topped with a crunchy celery stick and slab of lettuce. I also doubt many bartenders have heard these words uttered "bartender! Give me a tall glass of water. I need to get hydrated!"
I haven't had a hamburger in a restaurant in years. When I eat out I usually take the healthier option of chicken. Last night I caved and ordered a blue cheese and bacon burger. Unfortunately I was greatly disappointed. Not only was the bun dry but so was the burger.
I suspect that not all temptations are quite as disappointing as my burger was, but this got me thinking. I think part of my anger is because I am disappointed with myself. I thought I could handle something but I couldn't. I believed I was strong enough to keep my emotional distance but I was wrong and ended up too emotionally involved.
Almost a year later and I am still "craving" something that is far worse for my well being than a cheeseburger and alcohol. Similar to my burger experience I know that giving in to my "temptations" will only result in great disappointment so I have to be resilient in my resolve, but it is difficult.
It's funny how the mind can justify and rationalize everything. You say that you have things under control that no one will get hurt but it's all a great big lie. Turns out the one who is getting hurt the most is you, without even knowing it. Like an addiction you can't stop your behaviours even though you know they are detrimental to you. The really sad part is in the end regardless of what happens you are left with a great deal of sadness.
Walking away, although difficult, was nothing compared to staying away. It's so easy to forget all the frustration and disappointment and remember all the good and fun things. Funny how soon we forget the things we don't want to remember.
I think what is bothering me the most is not only do I have no one in my life I can trust but now I can't even trust myself. I can't trust anything I see, hear or feel. It's this realization that makes my heart hurt and because I don't know how to change any of this I start to get angry.
Peace
Did you know that doing needle point with a cat on your lap is actually a warped form of extreme sport? If you are not accurate or fast enough, cross stitching quickly becomes a violent blood sport.
This post is perhaps one of my 'oldest' and most 'revisited' posts. For the most part I put pencil to paper and the words just flow out. This one has been in the "works" for months now (I have written about it in the past) and I am continuously reworking it. Why am I changing my behaviours with this 1 post? Simple - I don't want to sound like I am have some big "pity party" and no one was invited. I am not wallowing in self pity - I am angry.
I understand that anger is a secondary emotion. We all know I have done my due diligence to determine the true emotion behind my anger. That emotion is difficult for me to articulate. My gut would say betrayal, abandonment, or
disillusion but my "I see things from both sides of the fence" brain tells me that I should not be offended in any way - that these things just happen and life gets in the way.
Let's take a step back - for some time now I have needed a friend. There is nothing wrong, nothing is upsetting me, and there is nothing to work out. I just want to spend time with someone - IN PERSON - you know a real face-to-face conversation. I just need to connect with someone - not strangers - someone who already knows me. Someone I can be myself with. Someone I can relate to and hear about their life.
Unfortunately for months now no one has been available. This leaves me feeling trapped in this world, lonely and fading, heart broke and waiting for someone to be "free". These thoughts have only reinforced my feelings that I am trapped in a world that's not meant for me. I question if I belong anywhere. See this reads like a great big pity party - but it's not - in fact it's been a real eye opener for me.
At first I reached out to those in my life only to have doors shut in my face. As the days and months passed anger set in. I started hating life and everyone in it. My anger has caused me to 'act out' in some bizarre ways - like removing myself from electronic communications. Once again I have been taught another lesson - one for some reason I have a hard time accepting - the only person I can count on is me.
Why is this lesson so hard for me to accept? I think it's because deep down inside all I really want is to have at least one person in my life that I KNOW will be there for me no matter what. Friendship is a 2-way street and not just about the bad times, its also about sharing the good times as well. Now I sit here angry and jaded questioning what exactly happened that caused me to feel this way.
Peace
