Adrift in the T.A.R.D.I.S.

Once again I have nothing to say. I have 3 'pre-written' posts that need to be finished, but I am unable to finish them because I haven't learned a lesson. Perhaps this is the moral to my story - sometimes there is no lesson.

I feel like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory - I am in need of closure and since closure is not forthcoming I am analyzing everything trying to figure out its meaning. But as each day passes I let things go more and more - which is why I am unable to finish the posts that I started - because everything seems so ancient and surreal. I honestly don't care to figure things out any more.

I can't change anything. I can't change anyone. Did I compromise myself in any of these situations? No. Each situation was out of my control and I just found the positive in each situation and accepted the situations for what they were - life.

I am feeling a great deal of loss but to cope with that I am focusing on the good aspects rather than the loss itself. To help "cope" I did relocate, but I believe this is a positive choice for me. A chance to recharge my core. To enlighten my soul and to get back to the "real" me.

I love nature - always have, always will. I love being outside in any weather. I love animals, all kinds. I love water, still, running, or salty. When I am outside or even have a room with a view I am at peace. So I have played the "family card" and left to recharge my soul.

As I sit and write this, the sky is blue with not a single cloud. A loon floats on the lake, no longer laughing, but cautious as the cottagers begin to rise. As I sip my maple coffee, humming birds zig zag from the tree tops to the feeder over my head. The water is still and serene, the birds call and a gentle breeze blows through the tree tops and my hair.

I sit and reflect on the upcoming changes I am about to face and all the beauty and peacefulness that surrounds me speaks to me. It whispers "Don't be sad because it's over. Be glad because it happened." LOL! No Dr. Seuss is not speaking to me from beyond the grave, but his quote is so true for me. I am thankful! I have to be! Yes there is loss but prior to these losses there are so many good memories and positive events. This is what I need to remember and what I need to focus on, not the losses themselves.

Sure life will be different, but if life is always the same it sure would be boring. Who knows, perhaps these changes will make things better than they were before.

Peace

Race Against Myself

"I realize for my pain I have none, after all is said and done. Now I'm back where I started, I've gone as far as I can, I've taken all that I can stand. But I am running a race against myself, against myself." ~ The Offspring

Have you ever noticed that the trip THERE, where ever "there" is, always takes longer than the trip home? We all know that the distance to and from somewhere is usually the same so why does going somewhere always seem to take longer? It's the anticipation. Whether you are excited or dreading your destination the anticipation of the journey makes it seem to take SO LONG!

I have been referring to my life as a journey. I have been travelling for quite some time now and still have not reached my destination. I have become tired and frustrated. This journey is far too long for my liking. I have learned to not compare myself to others on a similar journey. I have also learned that just because I am not on the same path as everyone else it does not mean that I am lost.

What I did not realize is that there is no destination. I will never reach the end. Every day I am where I need to be and every day I am exposed to lessons I need to learn. If I don't "get it" I will continue walking the same path until I figure things out.

As happy as I am with everything and as miserable and frustrating as things can be some of the time I have learned that I need to enjoy every moment. Life is the trip THERE, which is why my journey seemed like it was taking FOREVER, because it is. There is no THERE, there is only NOW.

You know I have read several "new age" books. I have heard many people tell me that I need to learn to live in the now. I would grumble "I am trying!" But now I get it. I understand -- if only for a brief moment -- what this statement means. Make the best of every minute because you will never be here in this exact moment ever again.

If I practice what I preach and choose internal happiness over instant gratification I know I will have the ability to learn to live in the now.

Peace 

My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark

I believe in giving credit where credit is due. I have had an epiphany - yes, yet another one. The difference this time is that I can't take full credit for my revelation. Oddly enough I have Vampire Boy to thank.

I know, trust me; we all thought he was dead and gone. But it would appear that our "time together" had not yet finished - either that or a stake through the heart does not kill this type of vampire...which could be the case because I am not certain he even has a heart...but I digress.

It's funny how one can clearly see what others are doing wrong. How easy it is to find issues with other people and then give them advice on how to "fix" their problems. We are all guilty of this - and I was guilty of this with the vampire. His issues were blatantly apparent to me - but what about me? What were my issues? Why did I keep returning to this man even though I knew we could never have any type of relationship - romantic or otherwise? He is my polar opposite; we live in 2 different worlds and possess opposing core values.

Sure I could 'chalk it up' to loneliness, lust or simply the "need" to help a lost soul, but these would all be excuses. I kept returning to try to figure out what I needed to learn from this person so I would never make the same mistake again.

So, how does Vampire Boy get credit for me finally learning my lesson? Well after a recent "cry for help" from him, which contained far more drama and mixed messages than I care to relay, I was asked for my advice. So as requested I provided my thoughts on the situation and left him with some steps he could take to improve his situation should he choose to do so.

It was through helping him with his issues that I had my epiphany. All of this time I thought that I needed something, that I was looking for something that I was missing, but in reality I didn't need anything at all! In addition to this realization I also learned how quickly I become "too giving" and start losing myself. What I need to do is to adapt some of his 'I only do what's best for me' attitude.

So I have come full circle in my learning and for this I so grateful. I now know that my original thoughts and beliefs are what is RIGHT for me. I am who I am. I am happy with my core values and I know I am a good person. I am a loyal friend, I have a forgiving heart and I am a little broken but that's okay. 

Peace

"You are the antidote to everything except for me" ~ Fall Out Boy

Dirty Rotten Bastards

It’s easy for me to write out my thoughts and values. It’s true that I mean what I say, but saying something and doing something are two very different things. It is not always easy to practice what I KNOW I should be doing.

Every thought is of “retreating”. Every situation causes my eyes to well up with tears. Every task is exhausting. It’s easy for those not in my shoes to give me advice – heck, I even know what I need to do – but doing it is SO HARD.

When you have lived all your life being passive and trying to please everyone it is very over whelming to stand your ground and stand up for yourself. I am learning to be a “bitch” – not in a nasty way – in a respectful and assertive manner. I’m done making excuses for the way other people treat me. I’m done giving everyone the ‘benefit’ of the doubt 3, 4, 25 times! I’m done believing the words people utter. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

My battle at the moment is to make my actions speak louder than my words. My words tell me to stand up for myself and to walk away, but my actions are quite another. A couple of months ago a stranger likened my actions to a golden retriever – no matter how badly you treat them they keep coming back for more. Now if a complete stranger observed this behaviour in a single brief situation...well enough said.

So yet another emotion I am “sitting” with – although I have no idea what ‘emotion’ this is. All I know is that my “flight” instinct has kicked in. I just want to hibernate so I don’t need to deal with ANYONE. Since hibernation is not an option perhaps a change of scenery is in order, or better yet – relocation. Logically I know that these behaviours will change NOTHING, despite what certain people have told me, but I see no value in these actions other than avoidance.

As good as I feel after I stand up for myself it is a behaviour that I have not been exposed to frequently and as such I have not become accustomed to the feeling. I often question if my actions were assertive or aggressive. If my words are factual or personal. If my actions are clear or ambiguous. So I know that “running” is not the answer, as the saying goes – practice makes perfect.

I will always be a hopeful, caring and forgiving person that is part of me that I cannot change, but I am learning to not immediately offer these traits to others. If you are offered an invitation, my door will always be open. You can choose to come into my life or you can choose to leave my life – just don’t stand in the doorway, you are blocking the way for others.

Peace