No Hero

Three days! I have slept for 3 days. I have cried for 3 days. I have been immobilized by fear for 3 days. Heeding my own advice I stopped running from my problems and owned up to them. The result was 3 days of self pity, confusion, pain, anger, heart break and difficult decisions. 

I decided to deal with my fears head on, face to face. No more telling myself 'everything will work out'. No more "hoping" for the best. No more "accepting" what has been given to me. I decided it was time to roll up my sleeves, get off the bench and get into the game.

Having said that "getting into the game" means giving up many things that bring joy to my life. My decisions were not easy to make. My choices were not simple. I am terrified of doing the wrong thing - but doing nothing is not the right thing either. Doing a bit is not working. So I have reached a point where I need to consider some drastic measures.

My time has run out, my faith has run out and my patience has run out. My avoidance of perhaps my biggest fear has now started to impact my family. And worse, my avoidance has been slowly eroding away at all the progress I have made in regards to my self esteem. I won't go back! I can't go back! I have to keep moving forward.

My only option is change. Not changing who I am, but changing my behaviours. Changing my lifestyle. Changing my outlook on life. This is a situation that is out of my control - I have 3 choices - I can accept things, I can complain about things or I can change how I react to things. I have been trying to accept things but since I cannot accept things the way they are I have to change. It is the only way I know how to cope.

Now that the decision has been made I have to tread carefully. I know I am guilty of having 2 speeds - stop and fast forward - and I need to find a middle ground. I don't want to struggle to exist in this life. I want to live my life, not sit on the side lines watching it pass me by, but I also don't want to wait until things go too far and it's too late and the damage is irreparable.

So I am going with my instincts, not my brain. My instincts are telling me it's time to deal with this 'present situation' anyway I can - even if that means personal sacrifices.

Peace

"I ain't no fucking hero I'm just trying to survive myself" ~ The Offspring

Minority

Let's face it - I am different - always have been, always will be. I usually enjoy being different but when there is an expectation that you behave a "certain way" in the dating world my uniqueness is a challenge. I get tired of "pretending" to "fit it" and behave/ feel the way that everyone expects. If I don't "play the game" I am the odd man out or black sheep - when all I really want is to be accepted for who I am.

My uniqueness allows me to be GREAT at my job. I am able to think outside the box, see things from all sides and suggest solutions. In my personal life my unique ability to see things from a different perspective allows me to be very useful in conflict resolution. It also fuels my creativity; I often see beauty in common place objects others would dismiss as boring or ugly.

Perhaps it's not my uniqueness that bothers me. Maybe it's my perception that I don't belong anywhere because of my differences. In my life there are

few people who like the things I like and even fewer who "get me" on a philosophical level. And I have yet to find anyone who understands me on an emotional level, so the best I can hope for is acceptance.

I used to think that only people who were single/ divorced could relate to my feelings but I have quickly learned that relationship status is not a common denominator. I think that because I see the entire universe differently than most I also FEEL things differently than most.

Child #1 reminded me the other day that I am a strong, independent person and not many people know how to interact with someone who needs no one. As proud as I was that my child was able to observe and articulate my personal traits her words felt like daggers in my heart. Is this really the impression that I give others?

I don't choose to be strong - I choose to keep living my life one day at a time. I don't choose to need no one - I have been hurt so many times I have learned the only person I can count on is myself. I don't choose to be independent - oh wait - I do! In fact I choose all of these things - and you know what - I am happy with my decisions. I don't know that I could be any other way...trust me I have tried...and failed.

So where does that put me? I am different. I am not like "most" of the people I know. I don't really "fit in" anywhere. No one really "gets me" or understands my emotional needs. But regardless of all of this I am a great person - once I am emotionally attached to you, you have a friend for life (sorry about your luck) and rest assured I will always have your back.

This is who I am and I can't change this part of me as it is part of my core. Right now one of my biggest challenges is determining "who" deserves my emotional investments. I have learned all too painfully that not everyone deserves me in their life. So how do you know if you are one of the 'chosen ones'? Trust me, you will know. It may take many years of 'dealing with me' but you will know.

Peace

Everything Counts

I know I am my own worst enemy. I am always hardest on myself. I expect so much from myself, I question my behaviours and I have a hard time forgiving my mistakes. All this has been slowly changing.

I have stopped "thinking". I have stopped questioning and analysing all my behaviours. I have also stopped "hoping" or setting expectations. I have been learning to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they happen. Of course all of these actions have been in moderation and I have had failures. Hey I was born to be awesome not perfect!

I will admit that I questioned my recent retreat. I was feeling overwhelmed by many emotions and wondering if my retreating was reverting back to my old behaviours of "running". Once again I was wrong. I sure am wrong a lot! Not so much with 'what' I do but what I 'think' I should do. Once again my 'gut' or instincts were right and my brain or 'thoughts' were wrong.

My retreat, while impromptu, served a dual purpose - it allowed me some space from one of my losses but forced me to confront face-to-face a second loss. Regardless of how emotional the week was for me I will NEVER regret my decision.

I know some close to me had concerns. Believe it or not there are a couple of people in my life who 'have my back' and don't want to see me get hurt or used. But I am beyond stubborn and I did what my heart told me to do. What I would HOPE my closest friends would do for me should I ever be in the same situation.

You see I am a strong, independent person but sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. If I could do this for another human being (be their hug) - without having them ask for it- then how could I say no? Regardless of how anyone viewed my actions I know my reasons and I felt AMAZING for being strong enough to put aside my personal feeling and help. To paraphrase the Grinch - my heart grew 3 sizes that week.

Being the proud individual that I am, I don't like asking for help. I don't like to "need" anyone - emotionally or otherwise. I don't like to feel vulnerable or weak. But there are times when I wish those around me would simply "offer" support instead of me always having to ask for it. This is WHY I do some of the stupid shit that I do - because I can "imagine" how the other person must feeling. I believe this is called empathy.

So once again I am dealing with loss - but I am different now than I was before - and I am choosing to focus on the good times and the positives and not the loss itself. All I will have soon are my memories and I KNOW I took the time and the effort to make them GOOD ones!

Peace 

Gilligan's Island

My recent opportunity to retreat from my stresses of life came with a warning - "There is no cell reception!". Although I heard the warning I quickly dismissed it. No cell reception, poppy cock! No one calls me anyway! You guessed it - I was in for a rude awakening.

I never realized how much I rely on my phone to keep in touch with the people in my life. For the entire week I was not able to text anyone and had to "GASP" converse via email (UGH)! What did we ever do before texting!!??

Does anyone remember a thing called a "land line"? I know I used to talk on the phone for HOURS with friends. My dad would get so angry with me - "You just spent an entire day at school with them! What on earth could you possibly have to say for the last 4 hours????" That's easy. I'm sure the conversations went a little like this "Like oh my god he is so cute!" "I know eh? Did he kiss you?" "YES!" - squeal, scream, giggle, etc.

I have often complained about how I don't like conversing through texts and emails as it is far too easy for the meaning and the messages to be misinterpreted - yet here I am realizing how much I actually utilize and find comfort in this means of communication.

Of course the comfort is a false security. Perhaps this is why texting is today's preferred method of communication. Texting provides the convenience of instantly connecting with someone; albeit superficially, but there is still a 'feeling' of connecting with someone. There is an expectation that text messages will be read and replied to within minutes, nay seconds, whereas emails are not answered for days. Never mind a phone call - no one EVER answers their phone any more.  You have to send a text or an email telling the person that you are going to call just so they answer their phone!

While I see the value in texting I also see its dangers. Perhaps I am just "old school". I like hearing someone's voice, I prefer laughter over LOLs and sobbing over frowny faces. I am realizing that I a FAR MORE SOCIAL than I have ever given myself credit for.

Ultimately, in my opinion, the best way to keep in touch with the people in your life that you care about is to STOP being so busy and "GASP" leave the house and "like oh my god!" VISIT them! I sometimes feel like society as a whole has started to act like we are all stranded on a deserted island with every single luxury EXCEPT human interaction.

Peace