Restless Heart Syndrome

It's funny how in a few short weeks I have had more thoughts in my head than I have in a really long time. One thing that I quickly forgot is that there are only 2 good uses for my thoughts - to find a solution to a problem and to find the root cause of my emotions.

Forgetting this rule caused me to become overwhelmed with all the chattering in my brain. I felt trapped with no way to get out. I was fortunate enough to have someone who could see my panicked state behind my happy face and painted several big exit signs for me. This gave me the time to calm myself down and realize what was really happening in my head.

Now that I am aware of all that is going on with me emotionally and mentally I am able to look at the root cause and find solutions. With the concerned words of a good friend I had sudden clarity. It all goes back to my I'm Coming Undone post and my core personality trait of caring. Not only do I care, I am empathetic with those that I care about.

This means that I go into their deep dark hole with them and I share their emotions with them as if they are my own. I relive my own emotions to relate to their emotions. Talk about a light bulb moment. I have often referred to myself as an emotional sponge, soaking up all the emotions around me. What I never realized was how this was happening. It has always just been so natural to me, like breathing.

Even though I show empathy naturally I have always been aware of the dangers. I often feel drained and vulnerable. Sometimes I need to 'hibernate' for long periods of time - which I just attributed to being an introvert. I am starting to think that there may be more to my behaviours. Perhaps this has been the way my brain protects itself and helps keep me stable. 

My fear now is that I one of these days I will go into the deep dark hole with someone I care about and I will not have anyone on the other side to help pull me out. Should this occur, will I be strong enough to pull myself out? I don't know, nor to I want to find out. So I continue to find those that I can trust to have my back and pull me out when I ask for help. Even better are those select few who notice when I am too far gone to ask for help and reach out with a helping hand.

Peace

"I'm a victim of my symptom. I am my own worst enemy. You're a victim of your symptom. You are your own worst enemy. Know your enemy." ~ Green Day

Crazy Train

Okay - I am starting to think that I am now loosing my mind. Out of the blue, BAM, I have become extremely jealous and defensive. What in the world is going on? Why am I having such erratic and strange behaviours? This is so unlike me. I oscillate between feeling like I am being undermined to extreme flashes of jealousy. 

I have been finding solace in rereading some of my old posts. I'm both surprised and disappointed to see that my current need to please and self-doubt are recurring themes. As is sit here laughing at myself I wonder why it is so difficult for us to see our own road blocks. Had I not written about my struggles this would be all new to me. It feels all new to me. Like something I have never experienced before...apparently I am very good at fooling myself.

Perhaps this is the way that the mind protects us. I doubt that I am the only one who repeats their behaviours like this and doesn't see them for what they are. Perhaps this is why behavioural changes are the hardest thing to accomplish. Changes in behaviour are great until there is stress - then most often the old behaviours return.

I wonder if it is possible to remove all of the old behaviours forever, or if they are part of our genetic makeup. The whole nature vs. nurture scenario. Were we born this way or did our environments make us this way? Or is it a combination of both? 

Why do I always doubt myself when I go through major change? I can hear a familiar voice in my head 'You do this every time. You can do this. You have done this. Why are you fighting it?'. Why am I fighting it? Why do I question myself? Why can't I just be me? Why am I afraid to succeed? Why do I have such a hard time believing I know what I am doing?

As strange as it sounds I am glad to have these posts to reference. They allow me to see my repetitive behaviour easily. On the flip side, while the pattern is easy to see, the reason behind it is not as easy to understand. This will be my focus for a while...Why do I continue to have these core behaviours? Why are they manifesting in such extreme ways this time? What can I do to expedite the process? 


Peace

"Mental wounds not healing. Life's a bitter shame. I'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train." ~ Ozzy Osbourne

Turning Into You

"I've been drowning in the sea. I've tried to please you. It's all I'll ever be. It's all I ever knew. I try to be me, but I'm turning into you."

So, I took the leap of faith, confided my fears, shared my darkest secret and although I didn't self-destruct, there has been no improvement in my mood. In fact it is the opposite - I feel I have made a grave mistake and that I have failed in a universal way. My self-esteem is at an all time low.

I do recognize that this is not a 'pity party'. I am not seeking some form of universal 'atta girl' message. This is deeper. It is like everything I have know to be true is gone - changed - moved on - is missing. None of my coping techniques, support systems or reference points on change are working for me. 

I have been told that other people care about me. I find that extremely hard to process. I am the one who cares about other people. Rarely do they care about me. Or is it because I rarely give them a reason to worry about me? This all goes back to the 'who do I trust' statement. 

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Honestly it all hurts my head. I would really like to stop all my analyzing. Trouble is, as soon as I stop thinking I start feeling and then the pain in my heart starts. Once the feelings begin they are overwhelming. So I feel safer thinking right now than feeling. 

In my You Can't Judge a Book By It's Cover post I was so excited to finally have someone who believed in me and accepted me. Now I have gone to an extreme where I am so afraid of failing that I am immobilized. Fear is a horrible thing.

My bigger question is why am I like this all of a sudden. I am used to failure. In fact I often set myself up to fail. Is it because I have finally found a path that I want to be successful on? Is it because I feel I have expectations to live up to? Is it because I feel that I talked the talk and now I need to walk it? 

Perhaps it is because now I am in the spotlight. I have never liked being in the spotlight. I have always preferred to be in the background just doing my thing. A friend mentioned that I just need to keep being me. Simple words which put so many things in perspective - I have lost sight of 'me'. I have forgotten who I am, what I stand for, and how to be me. Everything is new for me right now and I struggle to apply my 'me-ness'.

How does one reconnect with who they are?

Peace

"I'm not how I used to be, I'm changing cause of you. I'm screaming just to breathe. It's all that I can do. I try to be me, but I'm turning into you." ~ The Offspring

Trust In You

"I am the one, your help I’ve refused. Your offering hand just set off the fuse. Too proud to beg, too stubborn to try."

Trust. It is the one thing that I have not been able to get back. After all these years I still don't fully trust. I have let my wall down slightly for certain people, only to build it right back up again. This year has been particularly rough for me. I feel as if I have no one in my life to share my deepest darkest fears. 

I know that this might sound a bit strange. Once upon a time I used to have someone in my life to share my fears, losses, and excitement. I now realize that the receiver of this information didn't always get it, at the time it didn't really matter to me, I believed whether they got it or not they always had my back. I was wrong.

These days I struggle to find someone who will always 'have my back'. Or are there people in my life who will always 'have my back' and I just don't trust that they will be there for me? I have constantly heard that people will always put their needs/wants first. I have also been told that I am cynical. Perhaps I am cynical because the people that I chose to listen to fed me incorrect information. Which has brought me full circle - who do I trust? 

Parts of my support system are no longer available to me because I don't trust any more. I need a new support system. How does one get a support system when one does not trust?

So, I start with myself - what is holding me back from letting down my wall? Fear! Fear that I will be seen as weak, incompetent, insane (although there may be some truth to this), unfit, and so on. Ultimately, it all boils down to making myself vulnerable and the fear that the receiver will reject me.

While I understand my emotional challenges are only a small part of me, it is not easy for me to reveal my fears to others. Our culture sees fear as weakness. I personally believe that my ability to recognize my fear makes me stronger than those who 'bury' their fear. 

My path is now clear, to do what I always do, analyze my fears and determine the best way to face them. 

Peace

"I want to move on. I want to have hope. So I’m willing to change. I’m going to try to show I am strong enough to trust in you. Pull me up, cause I am ready." ~ The Offspring