Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

Christmas - it has always been my favourite holiday. Whether you are young or old, snow or no snow, there is something magical about the Christmas season. People laugh when I say I believe in Santa Claus. To me, he is everywhere - the kind gestures strangers display during the holiday season.

You see, I believe in Christmas spirit, otherwise labelled as Santa. I try to continue this 'spirit' year round, which is not always easy. It's hard to remember that sometimes a smile, friendly gesture, or simple conversation can make another person's day. We often get so wrapped up in our day to day things that we take others around us for granted.

I have often fallen into the 'trap' of the mundane daily rut - which feels like everything you do is a 'chore' or a 'man I have to do xyz'. The thing is, while these activities may be a non-negotiable tasks, the way in which they are perceived is 100% my choice. I have gotten very good at seeing the 'bright side' of these tasks and viewing them in a positive light.

The piece of the puzzle that I am starting to realize I have neglected is 'sharing' my positive energy. Not by 'converting people' to my way of thinking but rather opening my heart and giving freely. I have been so hurt and misunderstood by people around me (old and new) that I have built up so many barriers to protect myself.

Walls, they do such an excellent job preventing the bad from coming in. The thing is they also prevent the good from coming out. If I'm all about two-way communication with friends it is only logical that I become two-way about sharing my positive thoughts.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions - but I do believe in Christmas spirit - so what better time than Christmas Day to resolve to live every day of the year as if it were Christmas!

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” 
~ Charles Dickens

Peace

Master & Servant

I have been spending a great deal of time in waiting rooms over the last few months. Many different magazines are common place in most waiting rooms. The other day an article title on the cover of Men's Health caught my eye. The article was about an intense 10 minute muscle building work out that I really want to try, but I digress...the smaller, less noticeable title beside it was Will She Sleep with You? Find Out!

I know, curiosity killed the cat, but who could resist the temptation. I quickly thumbed to page 52 and was slightly disappointed. There was no article per se, rather a simple flow chart. The flow chart began with meeting the woman for a FIRST date. There were 4 simple yes/ no questions and paths to follow that left me giggling out loud in a waiting room full of people. The flow chart was written by a woman. The contributing expert was a male PhD in Non-Verbal Studies.

Four simple signs to easily and quickly tell if your date will sleep with you on the FIRST DATE. Hold on to your seats ladies and gentlemen for I am going to reveal the great secret.

1. If she doesn't chat with you while eating her dinner - you ain't gettin' any.
2. If she doesn't go to the wash room while on the date - sorry about your luck.
3. If she goes to the wash room and does not apply lipstick - best pay the bill and head out.
4. Upon 'wrapping' up the evening if she doesn't grab your leg or stroke your hair - WTF???

The best part was the last BONUS step. If all the above answers were NO - ask her to sleep with you anyway! Apparently 50% of women will forgive a man who is too forward. Hmmm, I guess 50% is better than ZERO! As I sat there shaking my head and feeling bad for every man who read this flow chart and took it as gospel I noticed a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the page. The font was so small I had to take my glasses off to read it.

The disclaimer stated that 90% of women need at least 3 dates to decide if they want to sleep with a man. NOW I KNOW WHERE THE 3rd DATE RULE CAME FROM!!!! I knew there had to be some reason practically EVERY man I have met expected me to spread em' on the 3rd date! Now correct me if I am wrong but deciding to sleep with a man and sleeping with a man are 2 very different things!

While nothing I read in this article came as a great surprise to me I was slightly disappointed to see that a woman wrote the article. It was a bit disheartening to realize that there are women who perpetuate such garbage. No wonder men have a hard time understanding women - women don't even understand other women.

"I got your back Jack. Bitches be crazy" ~ Sheldon Cooper

Peace

All the Strange Strange Creatures

Anger is an emotion I have worked very hard at keeping out of my life. I have a hard time seeing the value in getting angry about things. Perhaps anger is not the right word, holding a grudge may be a 'better fit'. Most of the time I feel that there is nothing that can change the outcome of events, so you might as well get on board. Better to be on the bus than under it.

Many people ask me why I find Doctor Who so entertaining. Aside from the awesome story lines, fabulous actors and the overall concept, I would have to say that Doctor Who has taught me one of the most important lessons of life.

"Sometimes you fail, sometimes you screw up, and sometimes you try your very hardest, do your very best and it still isn't enough." Depending on which Doctor you are it is at this time you pick yourself up, dust off your jacket/ tie your shoelace/ straighten your bow tie, and move on!

I have known my behaviours for a long time; however, I often try to change them rather than accept them. My recent withdrawal from civilization is common for my personality type, which has "been known to cut off a relationship or friendship and not look back". Once I acted on my 'gut' behaviours I quickly realized my anger had stemmed from trusting someone who offered me hope and then took it away. Now that's enough to make anyone dangerous - never mind me.

I have learned that what I focus on is what becomes 'real' for me. So instead of focusing on what I perceive to be my 'bad' behaviours I am focusing on accepting my behaviours as 'what is right for me'. As I started feeling my emotions rather than focusing on 'why I had these emotions' I was able to move on.

The more I started to accept my behaviours as 'right for me' the more my anger started to dissipate. As my anger started to fade, I started to forgive myself. As I forgave myself I started to accept who I am. While this is somewhat of a process, the more I accept myself the happier I realize I am. Recently my level of happiness has moved to a higher level. For almost a month now I have been ecstatic. My heart has been swelling so much I feel as if it might burst.

I love everything in my life, about my life and who I am. I am proud of the fabulous job I have done in regards to my self development. I am aware that I have done wonders with my self esteem and now it is time to pause and simply enjoy my victories. I am at peace.

Peace
Warning: Prolonged exposure to Doctor Who music may cause multiple side effects. These may include growing a spine, standing up for yourself, developing a strong sense of justice, loving liberty & freedom, becoming easily angered with righteous fury when facing down tyrants and criminals, and forming strong bonds with family and friends.

Slept So Long

"The way I see it every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." ~ Doctor Who

I have always tried to add to everyone's pile of good things. I felt this was my "purpose" in life. I now feel that nothing I do is good enough for anyone. Everyone either wants more or is disappointed by what I bring to the table.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with my life. I have a great new job that I am truly enjoying. I am closer now to my kids than I have ever been. And I am gradually accepting that the only person I can count on is me. But now I question - if it's only me - what is my purpose in life?

Perhaps I am facing a mid-life crisis? Perhaps I have just spent too much time alone - who knows? All I know is everyone has dreams but very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend.

I'm tired of always having to be the one to "reach out" for help. I'm tired of always being the one to initiate and continue communication. Friends are people you stay in touch with, but it has to be 2-way communication.

Doing what I do best I have now pushed everyone in my life away. I have retreated once again. Why? Because I am tired of all the pain. Everyone leaves and I am left with an empty heart and no hope.

I find it amusing when people tell me that I am "cold and heartless". You see I am the exact opposite. My flaw - I care too much and get too emotionally attached to people. In addition I trust far too easily and can be too open. All of this makes it perplexing when I am told that I have "trust issues". To me having "trust issues" implies one has a lack of trust, not too much trust.

I am trying to choose my friends with greater care, but this is exactly what has gotten me in this mess. So here I sit wondering how to teach myself to become what others perceive me to be - cold, uncaring and unable to trust.

Peace

"Did you think it's cool to walk right up to take my life and fuck it up? Now did you?" ~ Static-X 

Shake the Disease

Why is it that we want/ enjoy things that we can't have or are no good for us? This is a universal issue - I'm hard pressed to find anyone who "craves" a big juicy apple topped with a crunchy celery stick and slab of lettuce. I also doubt many bartenders have heard these words uttered "bartender! Give me a tall glass of water. I need to get hydrated!"

I haven't had a hamburger in a restaurant in years. When I eat out I usually take the healthier option of chicken. Last night I caved and ordered a blue cheese and bacon burger. Unfortunately I was greatly disappointed. Not only was the bun dry but so was the burger.

I suspect that not all temptations are quite as disappointing as my burger was, but this got me thinking. I think part of my anger is because I am disappointed with myself. I thought I could handle something but I couldn't. I believed I was strong enough to keep my emotional distance but I was wrong and ended up too emotionally involved.

Almost a year later and I am still "craving" something that is far worse for my well being than a cheeseburger and alcohol. Similar to my burger experience I know that giving in to my "temptations" will only result in great disappointment so I have to be resilient in my resolve, but it is difficult.

It's funny how the mind can justify and rationalize everything. You say that you have things under control that no one will get hurt but it's all a great big lie. Turns out the one who is getting hurt the most is you, without even knowing it. Like an addiction you can't stop your behaviours even though you know they are detrimental to you. The really sad part is in the end regardless of what happens you are left with a great deal of sadness.

Walking away, although difficult, was nothing compared to staying away. It's so easy to forget all the frustration and disappointment and remember all the good and fun things. Funny how soon we forget the things we don't want to remember.

I think what is bothering me the most is not only do I have no one in my life I can trust but now I can't even trust myself. I can't trust anything I see, hear or feel. It's this realization that makes my heart hurt and because I don't know how to change any of this I start to get angry.

Peace

Not Meant for Me

Did you know that doing needle point with a cat on your lap is actually a warped form of extreme sport? If you are not accurate or fast enough, cross stitching quickly becomes a violent blood sport.

This post is perhaps one of my 'oldest' and most 'revisited' posts. For the most part I put pencil to paper and the words just flow out. This one has been in the "works" for months now (I have written about it in the past) and I am continuously reworking it. Why am I changing my behaviours with this 1 post? Simple - I don't want to sound like I am have some big "pity party" and no one was invited. I am not wallowing in self pity - I am angry.

I understand that anger is a secondary emotion. We all know I have done my due diligence to determine the true emotion behind my anger. That emotion is difficult for me to articulate. My gut would say betrayal, abandonment, or

disillusion but my "I see things from both sides of the fence" brain tells me that I should not be offended in any way - that these things just happen and life gets in the way.

Let's take a step back - for some time now I have needed a friend. There is nothing wrong, nothing is upsetting me, and there is nothing to work out. I just want to spend time with someone - IN PERSON - you know a real face-to-face conversation. I just need to connect with someone - not strangers - someone who already knows me. Someone I can be myself with. Someone I can relate to and hear about their life.

Unfortunately for months now no one has been available. This leaves me feeling trapped in this world, lonely and fading, heart broke and waiting for someone to be "free". These thoughts have only reinforced my feelings that I am trapped in a world that's not meant for me. I question if I belong anywhere. See this reads like a great big pity party - but it's not - in fact it's been a real eye opener for me. 

At first I reached out to those in my life only to have doors shut in my face. As the days and months passed anger set in. I started hating life and everyone in it. My anger has caused me to 'act out' in some bizarre ways - like removing myself from electronic communications. Once again I have been taught another lesson - one for some reason I have a hard time accepting - the only person I can count on is me.

Why is this lesson so hard for me to accept? I think it's because deep down inside all I really want is to have at least one person in my life that I KNOW will be there for me no matter what. Friendship is a 2-way street and not just about the bad times, its also about sharing the good times as well. Now I sit here angry and jaded questioning what exactly happened that caused me to feel this way.

Peace

Breaking the Habit

It would seem that modifying my bad behaviours was a lot easier than I had imagined it would be. The emails and social media were very simple - delete the apps - but texting was a bit more difficult to deal with.

You see you cannot delete the Messages app. But as you know I am beyond stubborn and found a way to turn off all notifications and sounds associated with a text message. Last but not least I 'hid' the app. Then the fun began! The first few days I would 'go fish' for the app and check 4-5 times a day to see if I had received any text messages. As the week progressed I was down to checking only once a day.

Then the most wonderful thing started to happen. I started 'loosing' my phone. One day I left it at work, another in the car. One time I had to borrow the kid's phone to call my phone - silly me - I misplaced it in my gym bag. I'm not one for loosing or forgetting things so this behaviour is new for me - and I am really enjoying it!

I have thought about just leaving my phone in my purse, but I do listen to my music a lot. I have only given up electronic communication, not all electronics. For some reason people have a hard time understanding that. The other day Child #2 yelled at me for watching TV.

My successfulness in breaking this habit was made a lot easier by 'announcing' through social media that I would be going off all forms of electronic communication. As such, most people stopped contacting me electronically or all together. So does this help me with my problem? Or does it just make it worse? I really don't know. 

What I do know I really don't miss being addicted to my phone. I don't miss the feelings of "obsession". I don't miss falsely believing that everyone else has a great life but me. I don't miss the feelings of disappointment when I check my phone only to see that no one has contacted me. 

I know it is still early in my experiment but I have already had a couple of very positive changes in my personal life as a result of my decision. Regardless of how long this experiment continues, and the inconvenience I have caused others, it has already been well worth my efforts.

Peace

Wouldn't It Be Good

Not even a week into my personal challenge and I have been inundated with nay sayers. Several people have taken the time to advise me that my endeavours are not practical and cannot be maintained. My choices are my choices. No one needs to agree with my choices or understand my decisions.

I'm tired of being a slave to my phone, computer and tablet. I'm tired of checking incessantly to see if I have received any texts, emails or updates from anyone. It's an addiction I am determined to break! And let's be honest - I have nothing to lose by trying. My current behaviours are only doing me harm.

You have no idea how pleasant it has been to not have to "pay attention" always 1/2 listening for that "ding" of a text message. Out of politeness when you hear that "ding" you try to stay focused on the conversation you are having but your mind wanders to the unknown text message waiting - eating away at the back of your mind. Finally you cave, excuse yourself from the conversation, eagerly grabbing your phone to see who texted you and why. As you read the text disappointment sets in as all it says is "hi".

I don't miss these feelings and behaviours one bit! I am enjoying the lack of distraction I feel from electronic communications. While I still have work to do my constant obsession to check for messages, emails or missed calls has diminished greatly. This has allowed me to focus, and yes, ENJOY other tasks.

My time is the only thing of value that I have. I am choosing to use my time in more meaningful ways. Instead of texting, emailing or FaceBooking birthday wishes to a friend I decided to call and verbally express my birthday wishes. Why? Because this person means so much to me that I CHOSE to make the time to call.

While my current experiment may not be practical as a lifestyle it is currently bringing me a great deal of peace and happiness. My choices are my choices and I am the only person that needs to walk this path and see where it leads.

"It's getting harder just keeping life and soul together. I'm sick of fighting even though I know I should." ~ Nik Kershaw

Peace

By the Way

Samhain is a Gaelic festival marking the end of the harvest season and the beginning of winter. Samhain was observed in Scotland, Ireland and the Isle of Man. According to studies done by Scottish social anthropologist Sir James Frazer, Samhain was referred to as the Celtic New Year and on the eve of October 31st bonfires (samhnagans) could be seen all along Scotland's highland line.

So why my interest in Gaelic history? Well the premise of Samhain was to release what does not serve us anymore and to be reborn in a new life. This is exactly where I am right now. For a couple of months now I have been assessing everything in my life. Soul searching if you will.

Several people have told me that I try too hard. Why do I do this? Well I don't ever want anyone to say "would it have hurt you to try?" But I am done trying. I'm tired of initiating, I'm tired of planning, I'm tired or organizing, I'm tired of having to reach out, I'm tired of asking.

There are many things in my life that no longer serve a positive purpose - people, activities and things. In the spirit of Samhain I am choosing to remove these negative influences from my life - the biggest culprit being technology.

I'm tired of being a prisoner of technology - specifically electronic communication. I need to interact with flesh and blood people, face to face. I don't like the false sense of security/ connectedness this type of communication gives. None of it is real - it is simply "perceived".

I am clearing the mist and haze of deception that surrounds my life and I am stepping into the sunlight. I am leaving all technology in my personal life behind. I will no longer be accepting emails, text messages, or reading people's posts on FaceBook. Today I release myself from what no longer serves my wellbeing.

My decision may seem drastic to some; however, there is an underlying reason that has lead me to this place. I feel like too many expectations have been placed on me. I am tired of delivering when I receive nothing in return. I am feeling like my relationships are a 1-way street and it's time to turn around and drive the wrong way for a while.

Peace  

No Hero

Three days! I have slept for 3 days. I have cried for 3 days. I have been immobilized by fear for 3 days. Heeding my own advice I stopped running from my problems and owned up to them. The result was 3 days of self pity, confusion, pain, anger, heart break and difficult decisions. 

I decided to deal with my fears head on, face to face. No more telling myself 'everything will work out'. No more "hoping" for the best. No more "accepting" what has been given to me. I decided it was time to roll up my sleeves, get off the bench and get into the game.

Having said that "getting into the game" means giving up many things that bring joy to my life. My decisions were not easy to make. My choices were not simple. I am terrified of doing the wrong thing - but doing nothing is not the right thing either. Doing a bit is not working. So I have reached a point where I need to consider some drastic measures.

My time has run out, my faith has run out and my patience has run out. My avoidance of perhaps my biggest fear has now started to impact my family. And worse, my avoidance has been slowly eroding away at all the progress I have made in regards to my self esteem. I won't go back! I can't go back! I have to keep moving forward.

My only option is change. Not changing who I am, but changing my behaviours. Changing my lifestyle. Changing my outlook on life. This is a situation that is out of my control - I have 3 choices - I can accept things, I can complain about things or I can change how I react to things. I have been trying to accept things but since I cannot accept things the way they are I have to change. It is the only way I know how to cope.

Now that the decision has been made I have to tread carefully. I know I am guilty of having 2 speeds - stop and fast forward - and I need to find a middle ground. I don't want to struggle to exist in this life. I want to live my life, not sit on the side lines watching it pass me by, but I also don't want to wait until things go too far and it's too late and the damage is irreparable.

So I am going with my instincts, not my brain. My instincts are telling me it's time to deal with this 'present situation' anyway I can - even if that means personal sacrifices.

Peace

"I ain't no fucking hero I'm just trying to survive myself" ~ The Offspring

Minority

Let's face it - I am different - always have been, always will be. I usually enjoy being different but when there is an expectation that you behave a "certain way" in the dating world my uniqueness is a challenge. I get tired of "pretending" to "fit it" and behave/ feel the way that everyone expects. If I don't "play the game" I am the odd man out or black sheep - when all I really want is to be accepted for who I am.

My uniqueness allows me to be GREAT at my job. I am able to think outside the box, see things from all sides and suggest solutions. In my personal life my unique ability to see things from a different perspective allows me to be very useful in conflict resolution. It also fuels my creativity; I often see beauty in common place objects others would dismiss as boring or ugly.

Perhaps it's not my uniqueness that bothers me. Maybe it's my perception that I don't belong anywhere because of my differences. In my life there are

few people who like the things I like and even fewer who "get me" on a philosophical level. And I have yet to find anyone who understands me on an emotional level, so the best I can hope for is acceptance.

I used to think that only people who were single/ divorced could relate to my feelings but I have quickly learned that relationship status is not a common denominator. I think that because I see the entire universe differently than most I also FEEL things differently than most.

Child #1 reminded me the other day that I am a strong, independent person and not many people know how to interact with someone who needs no one. As proud as I was that my child was able to observe and articulate my personal traits her words felt like daggers in my heart. Is this really the impression that I give others?

I don't choose to be strong - I choose to keep living my life one day at a time. I don't choose to need no one - I have been hurt so many times I have learned the only person I can count on is myself. I don't choose to be independent - oh wait - I do! In fact I choose all of these things - and you know what - I am happy with my decisions. I don't know that I could be any other way...trust me I have tried...and failed.

So where does that put me? I am different. I am not like "most" of the people I know. I don't really "fit in" anywhere. No one really "gets me" or understands my emotional needs. But regardless of all of this I am a great person - once I am emotionally attached to you, you have a friend for life (sorry about your luck) and rest assured I will always have your back.

This is who I am and I can't change this part of me as it is part of my core. Right now one of my biggest challenges is determining "who" deserves my emotional investments. I have learned all too painfully that not everyone deserves me in their life. So how do you know if you are one of the 'chosen ones'? Trust me, you will know. It may take many years of 'dealing with me' but you will know.

Peace

Everything Counts

I know I am my own worst enemy. I am always hardest on myself. I expect so much from myself, I question my behaviours and I have a hard time forgiving my mistakes. All this has been slowly changing.

I have stopped "thinking". I have stopped questioning and analysing all my behaviours. I have also stopped "hoping" or setting expectations. I have been learning to take each day as it comes and deal with things as they happen. Of course all of these actions have been in moderation and I have had failures. Hey I was born to be awesome not perfect!

I will admit that I questioned my recent retreat. I was feeling overwhelmed by many emotions and wondering if my retreating was reverting back to my old behaviours of "running". Once again I was wrong. I sure am wrong a lot! Not so much with 'what' I do but what I 'think' I should do. Once again my 'gut' or instincts were right and my brain or 'thoughts' were wrong.

My retreat, while impromptu, served a dual purpose - it allowed me some space from one of my losses but forced me to confront face-to-face a second loss. Regardless of how emotional the week was for me I will NEVER regret my decision.

I know some close to me had concerns. Believe it or not there are a couple of people in my life who 'have my back' and don't want to see me get hurt or used. But I am beyond stubborn and I did what my heart told me to do. What I would HOPE my closest friends would do for me should I ever be in the same situation.

You see I am a strong, independent person but sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. If I could do this for another human being (be their hug) - without having them ask for it- then how could I say no? Regardless of how anyone viewed my actions I know my reasons and I felt AMAZING for being strong enough to put aside my personal feeling and help. To paraphrase the Grinch - my heart grew 3 sizes that week.

Being the proud individual that I am, I don't like asking for help. I don't like to "need" anyone - emotionally or otherwise. I don't like to feel vulnerable or weak. But there are times when I wish those around me would simply "offer" support instead of me always having to ask for it. This is WHY I do some of the stupid shit that I do - because I can "imagine" how the other person must feeling. I believe this is called empathy.

So once again I am dealing with loss - but I am different now than I was before - and I am choosing to focus on the good times and the positives and not the loss itself. All I will have soon are my memories and I KNOW I took the time and the effort to make them GOOD ones!

Peace 

Gilligan's Island

My recent opportunity to retreat from my stresses of life came with a warning - "There is no cell reception!". Although I heard the warning I quickly dismissed it. No cell reception, poppy cock! No one calls me anyway! You guessed it - I was in for a rude awakening.

I never realized how much I rely on my phone to keep in touch with the people in my life. For the entire week I was not able to text anyone and had to "GASP" converse via email (UGH)! What did we ever do before texting!!??

Does anyone remember a thing called a "land line"? I know I used to talk on the phone for HOURS with friends. My dad would get so angry with me - "You just spent an entire day at school with them! What on earth could you possibly have to say for the last 4 hours????" That's easy. I'm sure the conversations went a little like this "Like oh my god he is so cute!" "I know eh? Did he kiss you?" "YES!" - squeal, scream, giggle, etc.

I have often complained about how I don't like conversing through texts and emails as it is far too easy for the meaning and the messages to be misinterpreted - yet here I am realizing how much I actually utilize and find comfort in this means of communication.

Of course the comfort is a false security. Perhaps this is why texting is today's preferred method of communication. Texting provides the convenience of instantly connecting with someone; albeit superficially, but there is still a 'feeling' of connecting with someone. There is an expectation that text messages will be read and replied to within minutes, nay seconds, whereas emails are not answered for days. Never mind a phone call - no one EVER answers their phone any more.  You have to send a text or an email telling the person that you are going to call just so they answer their phone!

While I see the value in texting I also see its dangers. Perhaps I am just "old school". I like hearing someone's voice, I prefer laughter over LOLs and sobbing over frowny faces. I am realizing that I a FAR MORE SOCIAL than I have ever given myself credit for.

Ultimately, in my opinion, the best way to keep in touch with the people in your life that you care about is to STOP being so busy and "GASP" leave the house and "like oh my god!" VISIT them! I sometimes feel like society as a whole has started to act like we are all stranded on a deserted island with every single luxury EXCEPT human interaction.

Peace 

Adrift in the T.A.R.D.I.S.

Once again I have nothing to say. I have 3 'pre-written' posts that need to be finished, but I am unable to finish them because I haven't learned a lesson. Perhaps this is the moral to my story - sometimes there is no lesson.

I feel like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory - I am in need of closure and since closure is not forthcoming I am analyzing everything trying to figure out its meaning. But as each day passes I let things go more and more - which is why I am unable to finish the posts that I started - because everything seems so ancient and surreal. I honestly don't care to figure things out any more.

I can't change anything. I can't change anyone. Did I compromise myself in any of these situations? No. Each situation was out of my control and I just found the positive in each situation and accepted the situations for what they were - life.

I am feeling a great deal of loss but to cope with that I am focusing on the good aspects rather than the loss itself. To help "cope" I did relocate, but I believe this is a positive choice for me. A chance to recharge my core. To enlighten my soul and to get back to the "real" me.

I love nature - always have, always will. I love being outside in any weather. I love animals, all kinds. I love water, still, running, or salty. When I am outside or even have a room with a view I am at peace. So I have played the "family card" and left to recharge my soul.

As I sit and write this, the sky is blue with not a single cloud. A loon floats on the lake, no longer laughing, but cautious as the cottagers begin to rise. As I sip my maple coffee, humming birds zig zag from the tree tops to the feeder over my head. The water is still and serene, the birds call and a gentle breeze blows through the tree tops and my hair.

I sit and reflect on the upcoming changes I am about to face and all the beauty and peacefulness that surrounds me speaks to me. It whispers "Don't be sad because it's over. Be glad because it happened." LOL! No Dr. Seuss is not speaking to me from beyond the grave, but his quote is so true for me. I am thankful! I have to be! Yes there is loss but prior to these losses there are so many good memories and positive events. This is what I need to remember and what I need to focus on, not the losses themselves.

Sure life will be different, but if life is always the same it sure would be boring. Who knows, perhaps these changes will make things better than they were before.

Peace

Race Against Myself

"I realize for my pain I have none, after all is said and done. Now I'm back where I started, I've gone as far as I can, I've taken all that I can stand. But I am running a race against myself, against myself." ~ The Offspring

Have you ever noticed that the trip THERE, where ever "there" is, always takes longer than the trip home? We all know that the distance to and from somewhere is usually the same so why does going somewhere always seem to take longer? It's the anticipation. Whether you are excited or dreading your destination the anticipation of the journey makes it seem to take SO LONG!

I have been referring to my life as a journey. I have been travelling for quite some time now and still have not reached my destination. I have become tired and frustrated. This journey is far too long for my liking. I have learned to not compare myself to others on a similar journey. I have also learned that just because I am not on the same path as everyone else it does not mean that I am lost.

What I did not realize is that there is no destination. I will never reach the end. Every day I am where I need to be and every day I am exposed to lessons I need to learn. If I don't "get it" I will continue walking the same path until I figure things out.

As happy as I am with everything and as miserable and frustrating as things can be some of the time I have learned that I need to enjoy every moment. Life is the trip THERE, which is why my journey seemed like it was taking FOREVER, because it is. There is no THERE, there is only NOW.

You know I have read several "new age" books. I have heard many people tell me that I need to learn to live in the now. I would grumble "I am trying!" But now I get it. I understand -- if only for a brief moment -- what this statement means. Make the best of every minute because you will never be here in this exact moment ever again.

If I practice what I preach and choose internal happiness over instant gratification I know I will have the ability to learn to live in the now.

Peace 

My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark

I believe in giving credit where credit is due. I have had an epiphany - yes, yet another one. The difference this time is that I can't take full credit for my revelation. Oddly enough I have Vampire Boy to thank.

I know, trust me; we all thought he was dead and gone. But it would appear that our "time together" had not yet finished - either that or a stake through the heart does not kill this type of vampire...which could be the case because I am not certain he even has a heart...but I digress.

It's funny how one can clearly see what others are doing wrong. How easy it is to find issues with other people and then give them advice on how to "fix" their problems. We are all guilty of this - and I was guilty of this with the vampire. His issues were blatantly apparent to me - but what about me? What were my issues? Why did I keep returning to this man even though I knew we could never have any type of relationship - romantic or otherwise? He is my polar opposite; we live in 2 different worlds and possess opposing core values.

Sure I could 'chalk it up' to loneliness, lust or simply the "need" to help a lost soul, but these would all be excuses. I kept returning to try to figure out what I needed to learn from this person so I would never make the same mistake again.

So, how does Vampire Boy get credit for me finally learning my lesson? Well after a recent "cry for help" from him, which contained far more drama and mixed messages than I care to relay, I was asked for my advice. So as requested I provided my thoughts on the situation and left him with some steps he could take to improve his situation should he choose to do so.

It was through helping him with his issues that I had my epiphany. All of this time I thought that I needed something, that I was looking for something that I was missing, but in reality I didn't need anything at all! In addition to this realization I also learned how quickly I become "too giving" and start losing myself. What I need to do is to adapt some of his 'I only do what's best for me' attitude.

So I have come full circle in my learning and for this I so grateful. I now know that my original thoughts and beliefs are what is RIGHT for me. I am who I am. I am happy with my core values and I know I am a good person. I am a loyal friend, I have a forgiving heart and I am a little broken but that's okay. 

Peace

"You are the antidote to everything except for me" ~ Fall Out Boy

Dirty Rotten Bastards

It’s easy for me to write out my thoughts and values. It’s true that I mean what I say, but saying something and doing something are two very different things. It is not always easy to practice what I KNOW I should be doing.

Every thought is of “retreating”. Every situation causes my eyes to well up with tears. Every task is exhausting. It’s easy for those not in my shoes to give me advice – heck, I even know what I need to do – but doing it is SO HARD.

When you have lived all your life being passive and trying to please everyone it is very over whelming to stand your ground and stand up for yourself. I am learning to be a “bitch” – not in a nasty way – in a respectful and assertive manner. I’m done making excuses for the way other people treat me. I’m done giving everyone the ‘benefit’ of the doubt 3, 4, 25 times! I’m done believing the words people utter. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

My battle at the moment is to make my actions speak louder than my words. My words tell me to stand up for myself and to walk away, but my actions are quite another. A couple of months ago a stranger likened my actions to a golden retriever – no matter how badly you treat them they keep coming back for more. Now if a complete stranger observed this behaviour in a single brief situation...well enough said.

So yet another emotion I am “sitting” with – although I have no idea what ‘emotion’ this is. All I know is that my “flight” instinct has kicked in. I just want to hibernate so I don’t need to deal with ANYONE. Since hibernation is not an option perhaps a change of scenery is in order, or better yet – relocation. Logically I know that these behaviours will change NOTHING, despite what certain people have told me, but I see no value in these actions other than avoidance.

As good as I feel after I stand up for myself it is a behaviour that I have not been exposed to frequently and as such I have not become accustomed to the feeling. I often question if my actions were assertive or aggressive. If my words are factual or personal. If my actions are clear or ambiguous. So I know that “running” is not the answer, as the saying goes – practice makes perfect.

I will always be a hopeful, caring and forgiving person that is part of me that I cannot change, but I am learning to not immediately offer these traits to others. If you are offered an invitation, my door will always be open. You can choose to come into my life or you can choose to leave my life – just don’t stand in the doorway, you are blocking the way for others.

Peace

Dirt Off Your Shoulder

Similar to my thoughts on change - life can be viewed the same way. We are not given a "good" life or a "bad" life - we are given life. The life we CHOOSE to live is up to each and every one of us. Every day we have the ability to choose what we do/ don't do, say/ don't say, feel/ don't feel and how we treat others. It is these CHOICES, our BEHAVIOURS that determine the "type" of life we live. It's that simple!

I am CHOOSING to live a good life. I choose to treat others with respect, even if it is not returned. I choose to be thankful for all that I have in my life. I choose to enjoy the simple things and see the positives wherever I can. Sure I often "wish" for more than I have; however, I am 100% happier with my life today than I was 5 years ago!

Am I happier because of who has come and gone from my life? Am I happier because I have more things in my life? Am I happier because I do more in my life? No, no and no! I was not able to understand "why" I was happier until I understood "why" I was so unhappy. Over the years I have learned so much about myself and during that process I discovered my "core values" - my true nature. When my core values are not being met I am unhappy internally - in my core or soul.

When I started to observe my behaviours I realized my "actions" were compromising my core values. I am often far more disrespectful to MYSELF than anyone else is! Yes, I knew this before but I never understood how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together and now it is beginning to make more sense.

Now I am CHOOSING internal happiness over instant gratification. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than to compromise my core values. I refuse to let anyone take away my internal happiness - ever.

This does not mean that I won't ever be emotional, sad, down, angry or frustrated. What this means is that I am PROUD of how hard I am working to change my behaviours in order to stand up for myself and to live my life in accordance with my core values and not against them.

Every day I am learning and growing as a person. Sure I make mistakes but I try to learn from these mistakes so I don't repeat them. Yes, I often return to my "old" behaviours, but there too I am learning. I believe that everyone has a CHOICE in life. You can choose what you do in any situation. If you feel your behaviours are not "matching" who you really are "inside" only YOU have the ability to change those behaviours. No one else can get the dirt off your shoulder!

Some times you need to walk away from people, not to make them realize how worthy you are, but rather so you can understand and acknowledge your own self worth. 

"I wanna be pushed aside so let me go. Let me take back my life I'd rather be all alone" ~ Linkin Park

Peace

Peanuts

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly." ~ Morticia Addams

I received this inspirational quote from a high school friend and I have to say the timing was impeccable. It hasn't been easy 'sitting and living' with my overwhelming emotions and as hard as I try I sometimes start to "think". Lately I have been wondering what exactly is wrong with me - why am I not "normal"?

Through various avenues I have met many people on the same journey as me. Most of the ones I have continued to stay in touch with are all in happy, healthy relationships with some even getting married. While I am extremely happy for all my friends, I can't help but wonder...what's wrong with me? Some days I think that I was designed to mate for life - like a trumpeter swan or other birds. When their mate dies they remain on their own until they themselves die.

I know I am just different, and I cannot compare myself to anyone else because they are not me. Honey Boo Boo's mother may have a boyfriend, and not me, but I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't encourage me, challenge me or respect me.

Getting to know me is not an easy task. Those of you who do "know" me understand. Those who don't probably have a hard time believing this statement because I am so open in my blogs. Again, I choose what I write - it is all real but it is not all I am, just the tip of the iceberg.

People as a society are addicted to drama. "Real" life is boring, mundane and uneventful. I CRAVE a boring, mundane, uneventful life with a partner. Those of you who have this life live vicariously through my 'chaotic' life - and I am happy to oblige - but no matter how hard I try to enjoy my chaos all I really want is a boring, mundane, stable life.

The entertainment industry "brain washes" us into believing that "boring" is "bad". It's not a healthy relationship if there is no excitement, fireworks, or sparks. Yes, these things are nice but when you don't have respect, encouragement or support chemistry is USELESS in a relationship. Television shows, movies and novels build up the romantic tension between characters. When these characters finally come together as an item its fantastic - Prince Charming swoops in and saves the day. 

I would like to see these fantasy romantic relationships after years of marriage - heck even after 3 months! I seriously wonder how much 'spark' would be left.

Peace

The Messenger

As I continue to deal with my loneliness I find my journey very similar to my original journey - the breakdown of my marriage. I take 1/2 step forward, 10 steps back. Then 1 step forward and 8 steps back and so on.

I was doing quite well and then not only did I stumble but I tried to go back to my 'old' behaviours and make a run for it! I know, I know, I know. I knew it was a mistake - but old habits die hard. It didn't last very long and now I am 100% sure that I am on the right path.

So now here I sit - knowing that I have made the right decision - but it still does not make it any easier. Having said that though, after I started 'running' I did do some back tracking and took the extra time and effort to do my best to right some negative vibes I felt I had put out into the universe. These actions were to make my soul 'feel at peace' and not for any other reason.

I am hurting. I tell you not so you will feel sorry for me or to look for comfort. I tell you because this is how I feel. So many people hide their feelings, whether it be heartache, loneliness, etc., or they neutralize their feelings using negative distractions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex. I don't want to fill the gaping hole in my heart with garbage - I want to heal the hole - or at least fill it with things that make me happy.

Again I come back to a familiar place. I KNOW I am not unique. I know I am not the only person out there that feels lonely or is hurting. I don't write these words looking for support, I write these words because I am STRONG! I KNOW I am strong because I CHOOSE to face the loneliness instead of running from it.

I don't have a 'plan of action' - remember I have CHOSEN to stop thinking, but I do know that I will be fine. In fact I will be more than fine and one day I will look back on this post and I will see how far I have travelled on this journey.

The key, I am learning, is to keep putting one foot in front of the other - no matter what life throws at you! It doesn't matter if you have to retrace your steps several times. If you are self aware you will eventually realize that you have been on that path before. Here's where the strength comes in...once you realize you are walking the same path you can CHOOSE to continue on the same path or you can CHOOSE a different path. And if you don't see any new paths, if you are courageous enough, you can CHOOSE to make your own path! 

I have learned that I cannot change my core values, but I can change my behaviours. Right now I am standing up for myself and creating my OWN PATH one step at a time.

"When you've suffered enough and your spirit is breaking. You're growing desperate from the fight. Remember you're loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." ~ Linkin Park

Peace

Your Decision

I rarely change anything I have written. I generally have anywhere from 4 to 8 future dated posts which are scheduled to be published each Monday...which means what you read is often one to two months behind actual events. Kind of like how the BBC programming used to be - remember watching Coronation Street Christmas episodes in June?

I have pre-empted your scheduled programming to bring you this special post. In light of my recent overwhelming flood of loneliness I have been feeling more than a little "exposed" and "vulnerable". Loneliness is an emotion that most people consider to be a sign of weakness and even fewer people will ever willing admit to feeling and here I went an announced to the universe that I was immobilized by a tsunami of loneliness.

My recent feelings of vulnerability have brought to the surface some behaviours that I have actively CHOSEN to change. You see, I am a runner. No a physical runner, but rather an emotional runner. When I feel overwhelmed, by any emotion, I retreat from the universe. I withdraw from family and friends. I shut down mentally and emotionally - the walls go up and the hounds are released.

I am like an injured animal. I run off into the woods and tend to my wounds. Once my wounds are healed I gradually and cautiously make my way out of the woods. I know that I do this because when I am emotionally overwhelmed I believe that I cannot bear feeling one more thing - I'm SICK of feeling. I fear that one more negative comment, one more dramatic event, one more angry voice and I will shatter into a billion pieces.

I know I am not unique in this respect, if animals behave in this manner why shouldn't I? I know many people would understand my behaviours and would actual condone and support these behaviours, so why would I CHOOSE to change what works for me? This is when one of my favourite quotes comes to mind "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results" ~ Albert Einstein.

Yes, running has served a purpose for me, it provides me with a safe and sheltered environment where I can think, blame myself, feel guilty and 'dwell' on the past until I get so sick and tired of myself that I finally return to the world of the living. What I have learned, now that I am using my thinking for 'good', is that if you run from something it only stays with you longer. If you face something it makes you stronger.

So, I am CHOOSING to face my 'overwhelming' emotions. This has not been an easy decision for me to make but I believe the saying - life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Even before I made the final decision to stand up for myself and face my fears I had already started taking actions to do things that "made my soul feel good".

So to help with FEELING these emotions and FACING them every time they appear I have actively started utilizing some coping skills. I am CHOOSING to see the positive in every emotion. I am CHOOSING to send positive messages into the universe (and on FB). I am CHOOSING to laugh and smile everyday. I am CHOOSING to be thankful for all that I have in my life. I am CHOOSING to ACCEPT the fact that my emotions are what makes me who I am and I am normal and so are my emotions. I am CHOOSING to forgive and accept those who do not understand the path that I have CHOSEN.

We now return you to your program already in progress...

Peace

Superman

As social beings, most of us feel the need for rewarding social contact and relationships. One common definition of loneliness is that it is the feeling we get when our need for social contact is not met.

Loneliness, for me, is not about how many friends I have, but about feeling disconnected from the rest of the world. Is my loneliness a result of my personal circumstances? Is my loneliness a condition of my anxiety? Is my loneliness a side effect of the barriers I've put up to protect myself from being hurt by others?

Having performed a post mortem on my recent vampire encounter I am able to

understand the attraction - he was just as 'disconnected' from the world as me - our common bond, our weakness, our kryptonite. Again I look for answers in my comfort zone - research. It would seem that most people are extremely prone to loneliness during major life transitions. Interesting.

When I write, I choose the topics and issues I wish to scribe. I choose what I want to reveal about myself. There is so much more going on in my life other than 'dating' but I have often chosen this topic as it seems to be the one I am the least knowledgeable in and the most entertaining. For me 'dating' has been a distraction from all the other 'transitions' in my life. 

Once again life as I know it has been turned side-ways. Change - it's neither good nor bad - it's what I choose to see it as; however, it is still change and it still causes an emotional response in me.

I was very naive to assume that my loneliness was a result of not having a man in my life. Once again I have discovered I was wrong. When your 'identity' is removed/ taken without your input or consent it leaves your reeling emotionally. It creates a 'void' of 'not belonging' in the universe. It causes you to feel that 'no one understands you'. It causes loneliness.

It's easy to say 'it is what it is', 'go with it', 'your work does not define who you are', 'look for the positives' - and I agree with everyone; however, I am human - I feel, I care, I hurt - I have emotions and my emotions are real. 

I do feel a bit silly for trying to fill my 'loss' with random men but I have learned from this experience. I am also very glad that I was able to figure out 'why' I was feeling so lonely all of a sudden. The BEST part is that I have realized I am not Lex Luthor - my analysing, scheming and desire to conquer the world is not always evil but can be used for MY greater good!

Peace

Given Up

Well it would seem that the one thing I have tried so hard not to become has happened. I have given up. I am closing the doors to my heart. I am now cynical, I trust no one and have lost all faith. I am banged up, bruised and damaged beyond repair. I am taking my ball and going home!

I don't want to play games any more. I don't want to hear empty promises. I don't want to try to fulfil people's crazy expectations. I am me! Nothing more than me. I cannot bear to hear one more person tell me that ME is not good enough! Oddly enough out of all the men I have met this year the only one who did not give me "false hope" or "empty promises" was the vampire; however, I have since realized that Vampire Boy was making me feel lonelier than I already was. I have learned that being alone does not make you lonely - being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest place in the world - so I have returned to the land of the "living".

Although I have learned so much I find myself back at square one. I feel exactly as I did the day my ex-husband left - only this time I am not grieving the loss of one person, but rather grieving the hurt and pain of many. Not only have I felt pain but I have caused my share of hurt and pain to others - and this too wears on my soul.

I have been trying really hard not to care. I have been trying to not take things personally. I have been trying to enjoy meeting multiple people all at once. The thing is - none of this is me and I can no longer do what is 'expected' of me.

So what have I learned from all of this? I tried something different and I didn't like it. So now it's time for me to go back to doing what I want! Doing what makes me happy. Doing things that I enjoy. Before I begin this next phase of my journey I must again start over - grieving, healing and forgiving. This time however I will be focusing on my behaviours. I will learn from my mistakes and I will rely on my friends to guide me when I fear I will repeat my bad behaviours.

Everything happens for a reason and I believe that right now the message the universe is sending me is to stop helping others and to start helping myself.

Peace

Killing Loneliness

"With the venomous kiss you gave me I'm killing loneliness" ~ H.I.M.

Armed with my garlic (structure) and cross (logical thinking) I have been playing 'nice' with the vampire, knowing full well I may get bitten. Very few people around me understand why I would 'waste' my time with such a creature. There are many reasons but the primary ones for me are simple - I have a lot to learn about relationships and I am lonely.

I know my friends are only concerned for me but I have already learned too many things about myself to not continue to explore my behaviours. I am far too committed - as with most things in my life I have 2 speeds - stop and fast forward. I used to believe I was just passionate but now I am able to see how my behaviours can be taken as needy or desperate.

I need structure and I can see how this can come across as cold and frigid. As such I am learning that I need to learn to let go a little. Yes, it's nice to be able to plan things but some spontaneity is nice as well. Similar to my anxiety issues I need to learn to "just be" without "knowing" everything. This is perhaps one of my greatest challenges - but I am working diligently to find a comfort zone.

I have had many friends ask me "if you don't see yourself with him the rest of your life why would you waste your time?" My answer to this is simple - why must there be such high expectations? Why can't I just take things one day at a time? Why can't I have someone in my life for 'right now'? As adults why can't we just mutually agree to keep each other company?

The thing is I thought my marriage was "forever" and look how that ended. Getting to know someone is just that - getting to know someone. It takes time. It takes energy. It takes communication. It's something I need to learn to try.

I know my friends "believe" I am settling - but I have not closed any doors. I have not made any commitments to anyone. I have not given my soul to the "dark side". I am going through life one day at a time and I am learning to accept what each day brings. No expectations. No promises. No hopes.

I know the difference between love and loneliness and I also know when I am being used. My friends will just have to trust that I am doing what I need to do for ME right now. 

"Until you get comfortable with being alone you'll never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness" ~ Mandy Hale

Peace