If happiness is a choice, does that mean that sadness is a choice as well?
I believe that sadness is an important emotion that needs to be given attention when it appears, just like anger and fear, there is usually a reason for it.
I have not chosen to be miserable, yet I am. It has taken the better part of 6 months to figure out why I am miserable. Knowing the reason does not make getting yourself out of the darkness any easier, in fact it presents a whole new set of challenges.
The ego is a funny thing. One can learn to not take things personally, or so I am told; however, for me, when you are constantly hearing every day the things you do are wrong, well, for me it spells train wreck.
I find it interesting that I KNOW I am negative, toxic and miserable yet others around me perceive me as helpful, positive and happy. Perhaps they see the Facebook version of me...who knows.
What I do know is that I find it difficult to find anything positive in my life at the moment. I know, I am alive, I have friends and family who love me, blah, blah. That's not what I mean. Not so long ago I was happy. Truly happy. And now that happiness is gone. I get it, this is 'fixable'. The issue is, I don't know how to fix it. The worst part of losing my happiness is that I also lost my self-confidence. Or perhaps it was my loss of self-confidence that lead to my loss of happiness.
A quote from Kung Fu Panda comes to mind, "I probably sucked more today than anybody in the history of kung fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!" ~Po. This sums up every day for me. Right now everything I do is "wrong", "stupid" or "useless" both at work and at home. I have nowhere to hide or escape from the negativity. And to make matters worse, the negativity has entered my head, and it now keeps playing in an endless loop over and over again.
Perhaps the best way to manage this is to just push through it. I have been through worse and survived. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. Everyone is entitled to their 'dark' moments. Why is this bothering me so much? Because I don't feel right inside. I no longer see the opportunities and challenges, I see only frustration and locked doors. I miss rising every morning being excited for the day's adventures. Now I wake late, show up to work later and dread all that may happen throughout the day.
"Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them. Sometimes I wonder why this is happening. It's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again" ~ Linkin Park
Peace
~"I'm leaving all this crap behind. The past is gone, the future's blind. Don't care how long it takes this time. On and on I'll take the long way home."
Wow, all I can say is that looking at the first blank page of a 500 page journal book can be very overwhelming. I just keep telling myself it's like riding a bike. To which my first response is 'I can't ride a bike!'...then all of a sudden that saying makes sense to me for the first time in my life. Once you make the first few difficult peddle motions, the rest becomes natural and fluid as you work to keep peddling to not only move the bike forward but keep it upright. And here we go...
I stopped writing some time ago for a few reasons. I felt that I had nothing to 'work out' anymore. My life was moving in the right direction. I had a job I loved, a boss I loved more, fantastic new friends, I was heavily involved with volunteering in the community, and I was happy. Life was great!
I stopped analyzing everything that crossed my path. I stopped reading between the lines. I stopped hearing hidden messages in things that were said to me. I was living, as they say, 'in the now'.
So what happened? Change! I took a new job. I left the job I loved and the boss I loved more for a job where I believed I could bring huge benefits to the company. I believed with my heart and soul that I could make great changes and move the company into the future in my new role. All I could see was potential everywhere I looked.
Unfortunately as I transitioned through this change I forgot all my newly found coping techniques. I fell into my old behaviours. As a result I now feel like I am back at square one - starting all over again.
So why write? Writing helps me work things out. Once I put it down on paper its out of my brain and doesn't continue to whirl around in there for days and nights on end.
Why blog? Simple. I KNOW I am not the only person in this vast world of 7.4 billion who has ever experienced this kind of thing. If one single person out there can relate to anything I say and feel a little less alone in this world then why wouldn't I blog?
Why start writing again now? I've been trying to write since September; however, I kept seeing my blogging again as a sign of failure. A sign that I was not able to handle change. Proof that I was not strong enough to survive life. I was not good enough. Then there were the whispers of the hidden messages, you know self-doubt. Was I ever really happy? Am I looking for pity? Am I looking for attention? Being miserable, am I looking for company?
Having recently hit rock bottom I've realized that I have to make a conscious decision to make my life better. I am choosing to do what is BEST for me. Right now writing is one of those choices. It allows me to focus. It forces me to move forward. It challenges me to forgive and forget. It permits me to be creative. So I will continue to write until it is no longer the best thing for me.
Cheers,
Peace
"If it's for me it's on the way home. I will go alone. I will go and find it on my own" ~ Offspring
