Monday 24 February 2014

Never Say Never

I can't believe that I am actually writing a blog about writing a blog! I never would have thought that doing what I love doing would cause me so much anxiety.

A while ago I wrote about being approached to blog on specific topics. While the concept was intriguing, I felt that I would not be able to convey my creativity when specific 'topics' were the focus of my writing.

You would think that I would know better by now. Not only am I blogging about specific topics but I am blogging for work! In a million years I would never have guessed that I would be applying my creative talents towards work tasks.


Talk about anxiety!!!! You try putting a personal "spin" on work related facts and submitting your own personal style of writing to be approved by VPs. Then if approved - to share with EVERYONE you work with...trust me, it's pretty nerve wrecking. My anxiety doesn't stem from the content - it is far more personal - it is your basic 'what if no one likes it' fear.

The fear of not being good enough or accepted in this avenue is huge. When I write my own blogs, they are my own - it is 100% my own opinion. It doesn't matter to me what other people think - as long as I like it. When it is work stuff, well that's quite a different matter.

Not only are there 'factual' issues, 'sensitivity' issues, 'political' issues, and 'misinterpretation' issues to consider but there is also the whole aspect of 'everyone' putting in their 2 cents. I can deal with all of the above what I am afraid of is criticism regarding my writing style. I cannot change "how" I write.

As usual, I am so much calmer now that I have penned my concerns. Only time will tell the outcome of my work blogs. Stay tuned...

Peace 

Monday 17 February 2014

Right Now

Just in case you haven't quite figured it out yet, my "hidden" meaning of my post 2 weeks ago was my 'pity/sorrow' post. Last week was the 'anger' post. So, logically this one is the 'moving on' post.

Have you ever heard of the Darwin Awards? These are awards that are given to people who do incredibly stupid things. Most of the time the stupid "act" results in that individual's death; hence the survival of the fittest name for the reward.

As I move out of my anger stage I need some humour - although I am still a bit cranky as I write this - so I thought a la Darwin Awards I would post my First Date WTF Awards!

Before I begin, I need to add my disclaimer, I know karma and she is a bitch.

1.  I am sure that I am on a least one person's top 5 worst dates list.

2.  95% - 97% of the men I have met were very nice (I did not do the math this time).

3.  Believe me every word is true - this all really happened - this is the life I lead.

Here we go - the contestants for the WTF Awards, in no particular order:

Bachelor #1 - "Wow! you are fatter than you looked in your picture."

Bachelor #2 - This distinguished gentleman proceeded to flirt with and exchange phone numbers with the waitress even before we ordered our drinks - which by the way never were ordered - I left.

Bachelor #3 - After bitching about his spoiled brat 20 something daughters continued his rant about how he is always have to do their laundry and then went off on a tangent as he described how much he liked wearing their thongs.

Bachelor #4 - Did not like what I was wearing so he offered to take me clothes shopping - right there and then. When I said no he asked if we could do that on our second date and if he could try on the same clothes with me.

Bachelor #5 - After discussing tv shows we enjoy watching this sugar daddy proceeded to explain that he no longer had cable as he had not paid his cable bill. He then went on to explain that he was being evicted and asked if he could sleep on my couch.

There you have it folks - which first date should win the WTF Award? And you all wonder why I want to throw in the towel and give up. Remembering these disastrous dates makes me realize these were not even close to my WORST dates. My worst dates are the ones where we get along great, have a fabulous time, schedule a date and time to see each other again and then I never hear from him again.

"Right now, can't find a way to get across the hate when I see you." ~ Korn

Peace 

Monday 10 February 2014

The Song Remains the Same

Have you ever read the instructions on a bottle of shampoo? Here's what mine says "You know the drill: Lather up for moisture you can feel. Repeat if you've got time for another round". I have now been checking out the instructions on shampoo bottles and it would appear that "repeating" is optional on all of them! Hmmm...the things you learn. I was ALWAYS under the impression that it was "Lather, rinse, repeat".

This is how I am feeling these days. First date, grieve, repeat. I would like to skip the grieve and repeat parts, or even the grieve, and just have first date after first date - since I can't seem to keep a guy, but the reality is that's not for me. I have learned that it is very important for me to "grieve" each and every time so I can successfully move on to the next one.

This "grieving" stage for me can run anywhere from a couple of hours to
months depending on how emotionally involved I was. The process for me generally consists of 3 steps - pity/sorrow, anger, acceptance. My pity/ sorry phase consists of 'hibernating'. My anger phase consists of blogging or bitching. My acceptance stage consists of well, NEXT!

Many well meaning people have advised me to stay emotionally unattached - been there, tried that, failed miserably. This is not an option for me. I'm not going to change to appease anyone - male or female. I will only change if my instincts tell me that I need to change. Right now I don't feel the need to be anything other than who I am. I have made all the changes I wish to make at this time.

So I tried to change my behaviours. I stopped online dating. After a few months of not dating at all, men I was meeting in person, started asking me out. I started saying yes. The outcome of these types of dates were far more difficult for me to deal with emotionally because these men were not random strangers, they were men I had been acquainted with for several months.

Now that I have read the instructions on the shampoo bottle it is clear to me - I don't have the time nor the patience for another round, so I DON'T HAVE TO REPEAT! "Won't give you my heart. No one lives there any more." ~ Platinum Blonde

Peace

Monday 3 February 2014

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

You would think that by now I would be used to rejection. Out of every man I have met, only 5% of the time I ended our dating. Yes, you know darn well I have done the math. The thing is - I'm still not used to it. I am so tired of being told that rejection only makes me stronger. I think I am already strong enough. If I was not upset in some way that I was rejected I would be very concerned that I was starting to lack empathy.

I know I am not perfect. I know my strengths and my weaknesses. One of my weaknesses is being able to show affection to what I consider to be complete strangers. Yes the men I meet are complete strangers and remain as such until I have spent enough time with them. How much time differs but I don't start to feel even the slightest bit of affection for anyone right away.

Logically I know that the men who do not have the patience to wait for me are not worth my efforts, nonetheless the rejection (or lack of patience) still wears on me. I thought coming off of online dating sites would make things easier, where in fact they have made things more difficult.



One of my best friends told me the other day that they could not believe that they had know me for 15 years already. What they found interesting was that they were JUST starting to get to know me - after 15 years! So if someone I have felt very close to for the last 15 years is just feeling affection from me I COMPLETELY understand why men don't know how to "read me". Here is the catch 22 - I am not easy to get to know - and I don't know how to be anyone but me.

Perhaps I have too simple a view of things? Everyone says dating is complicated. To me its simple - you want to get to know me or you don't - black or white - simple. I understand that getting to know someone presents a fair amount of risk - so you are either prepared to take the risk or you are not. For the most part, regardless of my inner fears, I have been prepared to take the risk with most men I meet and find it frustrating that I can't find anyone else prepared to take the same risk on me.

I know one day I will find a man who will be willing to take the risk and get to know me. Until that day comes I will just have to continue to have hope. "Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me. Til then, I walk alone" ~ Green Day

Peace