Carpe Diem

"If we wait until we are ready, we will be waiting for the rest of our lives" ~ Lemmony Snickets

I have stopped "waiting until" and started "acting now". I have started to realize that "waiting until" is just an excuse for me to avoid my fears.

I have a huge list of "waiting untils". When I stop and look at my list each item that is "waiting" is not being actioned because a part of me is afraid of the outcome when I action the item. Mostly I am afraid of rejection, being hurt - as there is only so much rejection a person can take on any given day - but some of the items I am afraid to action because if I succeed that will mean more CHANGES.

So what have I done about this? Well, slowly - one by one - I have started to "action" the items on my list. Rather than "wait until" I have jumped right in and "tried". Some items have met with disastrous outcomes and some have been great. Really, regardless of the end result, each time I stopped "waiting until" and "tried" I have been successful because I have had the opportunity to learn and grow.

I always learn so much from my mistakes but now I am starting to learn from my successes as well. With the new year around the corner I take stock of all the things I have accomplished this year. I recently found a list of "action" items I wanted to accomplish. This list was similar to a bucket list but on a simpler and more manageable level. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that throughout the past year I have accomplished everything on my list - without ever having looked at it!

So as the year comes to a close I will comprise another list of things that I would like to accomplish over the coming year. I will work on taking "action" instead of "waiting until" and I will try to focus on the now while doing all of this.

I believe I have traveled far enough on my journey to handle the outcome of events. There will be some failures and there will be some successes, but regardless of the outcome I will take pride in each and everything I TRY. 

Peace

Snow

I always seem to make myself laugh when I liken myself to movie characters. I don't equate myself to Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston but more along the lines of the Grinch or Grumpy from Snow White. Right now the character I relate the most to is Stitch from Disney's Lilo & Stitch!

Stitch, AKA experiment 626 is created for the sole purpose of mass destruction. He is 99% bad! He is not happy unless there is mayhem and chaos! He is an abomination! Now, I am not relating to this part of Stitch (although I have been told by many that I am a very scary person) but I can relate to Stitch when he meets Lilo. After meeting Lilo, Stitch learns to love and all he really wants is to belong - basically to be part of an Ohana (a family).

I think I can relate to Stitch so much because he really does try to change and fit in with the people of Hawaii, but as he tries to change himself he only makes things worse. Lately I too have been trying to change myself to "fit in" and as a result I have only made things worse. I have been listening to the random opinion of others rather than my inner voice. Like Stitch, I just want to "belong" and be "accepted" and although I thought I did everything I was "supposed to" I only ended up making things worse. Like Stitch I was left feeling LOST AND ALONE!

It took me some time, but I did find my way. I know who I am! I am not perfect, but I am a fabulous person in so many ways. Those who don't want to take the time to get to know me or understand me honestly don't deserve a place in my life - not even a "bit part"!

The thing I am realizing is that life is too short to worry about "how" other people may or may not see me. What matters is how I treat others and how I treat myself.

I can only change so much of myself. There are core pieces of myself that cannot ever be changed. These are the traits that make me who I am. These are the qualities that make me the unique, lovable, enjoyable to be around and insane all rolled into one cute package! If I change my "core" traits I am not longer me!

I can't change who I am. I am what I am. You either want to spend time with me or you don't. I am choosing not to spend any more time or energy trying to be accepted by those who cannot accept me the way I am.

Peace

Epic

If I could change just one thing about myself it wouldn't be my looks or my body type. I would choose to stop thinking. I have a mind that ANALYZES all the time. This trait allows me to do my job very well; however, this trait is not so helpful in my personal life.

A large portion of my job requires me to plan for "every possible" outcome and there must be a "solution" in place for each and every issue that may or may not happen. When you are trying to live your life in the "now" and enjoy the moment analysis is not a welcome friend. I really try not to read into things - but it is so hard to shut my brain off!

I know I have come so very far in my travels. Not so long ago when my brain would "run-off" on its own it was usually playing a negative tape - over and over again about how I was not good enough. Thankfully that tape has been destroyed but my brain still keeps on working. When I am 'unconsciously' analyzing things I am working out all the possible outcomes - both positive and negative. Oddly enough it is still the positive outcomes I fear the most.

Again, what is with me and the 'positive/ good' stuff? My fear in this case is what if the outcome is only 'perceived'? What if - because I over analyze things - I have interpreted the situation to be something it is not. What if I am reading into things or for lack of a better word - I am delusional?

I haven't cried in several months - except for tears of joy. I never did have my "planned" cry, so perhaps the tears I shed now are somehow related. All I know is that no matter how hard I try to not analyze things I can't stop.

I wish I could learn how to not 'read into' things. I wish someone could show me 'how' to turn off my brain. I wish I could find a safe, quiet place to hide from myself. I used to admire my ability to analyze, but now I see clearly all the problems it has caused me throughout my life.

I know that I have the ability to change, but there are limits to what each person is capable of changing. I am not certain that anyone can change their core genetic makeup - and I believe that "analyzing" is part of my genetic makeup!

So where does that leave me? I have gone full circle and accomplished nothing! NOT TRUE!!! When I started writing I felt horrible for my "analyzing" trait and now I have come to realized that I am what I am. A tiger cannot change its stripes - nor should he. So why should I?

No one can make you feel bad. You allow people to make you feel bad. Just because the opinion "out there" is that I analyze too much doesn't mean that I am "flawed" - it is just an opinion - nothing more.

Peace

Crying Over You

Crying. Not everyone cries. Me, I am a cryer. When my emotions run too high I find that a good cry always helps. If I don't have a "planned cry" when my emotions are reaching the critical point I find the tears just start flowing and usually at a most inappropriate time.

For me crying is a way to release the 'overload' of emotions - whether the emotions are sadness, happiness, fear or frustration the end result is the same - tears. I am more prone to crying when I am tired - either physically or emotionally.

Unfortunately lack of sleep goes hand in hand for me and emotional overload! When my emotions are running "high" I tend to have insomnia as well. Again my emotions are not always bad - sometimes I am like a kid before Christmas mornings - I am SO EXCITED about something that I can't sleep!

As I write this at 3:25 on a Thursday night (or more appropriately Friday morning) I start to question my ability to hold my "MIDDLE" ground My goal was to stay in drive - not fast forward and not parked - but drive. With my return to writing have I unintentionally shifted into high gear? Am I setting myself up to crash and burn?

I am quickly learning that there is a fine line between being passionate about something and being obsessed. Where do you draw the line? This is my challenge - since I KNOW I already have a tendency to be an "all" or "nothing" type of person - "half-assed" doesn't work for me. I tend to give everything my best shot and my all and if it doesn't work out only then will I move on.

But here's my issue. What happens when it works out? No one can be expected to continue FOREVER at 100%! You are only asking for bouts of insomnia and irrational behaviour. Minor "snags" will then become major catastrophes. Bumps in the road will become insurmountable road blocks.

So how does one slow things down enough to keep the momentum going and not stall out or get a speeding ticket? Perhaps I need to invent cruise control for emotions - oh, wait they have them - won't do that again! Okay - I need to learn to do this WITHOUT medication! This is something that I am still muddling my way through. It may entail some sleepless nights. It may result in me 'crashing and burning'. Or I may actually succeed at keeping my emotions at a nice leisurely pace. Whatever the outcome I KNOW I will be fine. The difference now for me is that I KNOW what is going on with me. I UNDERSTAND why this is happenings. And I am CERTAIN I will be stronger in the end regardless of what happens in between now and then.

I know that I am not alone in the land of insomnia. Thanks to Facebook I see several family and friends suffer from this as well. So when I have my "planned" cry I will ensure that I shed some tear for you all as well! Happy tears - not sad tears - or perhaps tears of frustration!

Peace

Powerless

Since June I have been walking around with a stupid grin on my face. I giggle to myself, sing aloud, and I am generally in a good mood. Sure I have my moments - we all do - but for the most part I have been happy. It took me a couple of months to identify my emotions. 

Several people told me that it would happen - but I didn't believe them. It was always the same story - "it will happen when you least expect it". They were right! WHAM! Just like that I am head over heels, completely and irrevocably in love!

Yes you read that correctly! I am in love! Let me tell you about her. She is smart, witty, so very cute, much younger looking than her 43 years and the mother of 2 lovely children. She loves photography, music, all kinds of animals, and nature. Her favourite movies are kids cartoons, she collects books like there is no tomorrow and she has a stationary obsession. She is a great big kid at heart! Now, she is not perfect - the only perfect woman is named Barbie - I believe you can find a blow up version of her in your local Stag Shop.

Let me get back to my new found love. Yes she gets angry and cranky but most of the time she sees the positive in everything. I have to admit that loving yourself is a WONDERFUL feeling. I wonder how many people truly love who they are - good, bad and ugly? It has taken me SO MANY years to get to this point, but I would not have traded it for the world!

I know that I will continue to have self doubt and some negativity but that is to be expected. I have learned to trust my instincts and listen to my inner voice. I can now clearly hear myself. There are times when my voice does get drown out by others, but I have learned how to 'silence' the negative voices!

I am no longer powerless! I know that I can handle anything life sends my way. I am not naive enough to believe that I will have no issues or struggles - I am just confident that I will figure out a way to confront my issues and find a way to resolve them.

Love is a powerful emotion and love for oneself is perhaps second only to the love for your children. It allows you to accomplish more than you could ever imagine. And there is no better investment of your time and energy than loving YOURSELF!

Peace

The Future Is Now!

A very good friend of mine told me something the other day...okay, just kidding. A very good friend of mine ASKED me the other day "how I was doing". This question always makes me stop and think. Is this my 'permission' to release the hounds? Or is this person just being polite.

In keeping with my promise to live in the now, I started to type my email response only to pause yet again. Problem number two - I am doing GREAT! I have been so happy with myself and my life since June and although I could complain I don't want to. So what exactly is the issue that that? Well my fear is that once I put these words in writing - or say them aloud some sort of "COSMIC" being will go "Oh, she's far too happy, gotta squash that now" and SPLAT!

HA! When I read this - it sounds silly, but fears are not always rational. Anyway, even though I have been very happy since the beginning of the summer, my summer was not without its issues. The BIG issue being that my ex and I shared a great deal of one-on-one time over the summer. My inherent nature to treat everyone, including my ex, with respect lead to us spending lengthy hours conversing at baseball games and various other activities that involved the kids.

At first this was EXTREMELY difficult for me as all I wanted to do was [punch him in the face] (I will keep this G rated). After a while I found myself enjoying our conversations - which to be honest was confusing for me. And then one day - lo and behold I had a TRUE "light bulb" moment! I realized I was talking TO HIM. We were not having conversations; we were not connecting; we were not sharing; it was a ONE-WAY street. My 'light bulb' moment - I FINALLY understood why we were no longer married. I am a 2-way street kinda gal - I WANT my relationship to go both ways!

I believe that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. When you reach the point where you just don't care about the other person any more it is over. According to my ex it was over before we got married. For me it just happened this summer.

"When" it happens doesn't really matter. For me it was a very long process that most likely started years before the breakdown of my marriage and was only 'sped up' by recent events. Why was it a long process? For me I believe that it was because of my personality. I tend to see the POSITIVE in everyone! I have HOPE that people can and WILL live up to their potential. I don't like to give up! I LOVE to solve the UNSOLVABLE problem and HELP people see all that they can be.

And that my friends is exactly what my marriage was - an unsolvable problem. Through my travels I have learned that not everything requires an answer and sometimes you just need to let go - and once I did - I was able to love again! I don't regret anything. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned - but most of all I am thankful that we BOTH have chosen to be respectful to each other. I am fully aware that 'his being nice to me' made me confused at times and complicated my process of 'letting go' - but the future is now and now I’m disappearing.

Peace

The Inevitability of Death

Music! It drives a lot of my writing. It drives my moods. The avid music lover is well aware that many of my blog titles are the names of songs or lyrics from songs. I have to say that it is ALWAYS a welcome pleasure to meet someone who appreciates music more than I do!

For me my music choices are always changing. Sometimes I enjoy a song because of the lyrics, sometimes it is the rhythm, and other times it is simply the sound of the singer's voice or just one chord in the entire song.

I often associate music with events. Hearing a certain song can instantaneously return me to a specific moment in time. This can and has caused some grief for me. While in university I was a HUGE fan of Canada's own Tragically Hip. Over time I "sold" my ex-husband on the musical talent of the band. The Hip quickly became one of his favourite bands and their songs played a big part in OUR history together. When my ex-husband left the ONLY thing he took with him were all the Tragically Hip CDs.

Over the last few years I have intentionally avoided listening to any Hip. Any time a song played on the radio I would immediately change the channel. I was afraid of the wave of memories that would come back to me should I listen to the song. I had more than enough hurt and pain without 'choosing' to create more.

I was recently invited to a local Tragically Hip concert. I was excited to go as this was something that I had not done since my university days - but I had my reservations. In the end I did agree to go to the concert but was extremely worried. Would I burst into tears? Would I open up old wounds I thought had healed? I didn't know, but I had made the decision to face my fears and chose to stop running.

As I stood listening to Gord sing I was reminded of how much I truly enjoy the Hip! Hundreds of memories came flooding back and amazingly NONE of them hurt at all. My memories were of me and my ex in happier times and you know what - they made me smile! Perhaps now that I am in the forgiving phase of my journey the death of my heartache was inevitable.

Peace

Roads Untraveled

When I began my journey of grieving, healing and forgiveness I likened my travels to climbing a mountain. My destination was the top of the mountain. Several months ago I reached the top of my mountain - goal achieved!

As great as it has been to reach my goal I have come to realize that the top of the mountain is only a temporary rest stop for me throughout my travels. Being at the top of the mountain allowed me to see everything clearly, but one thing I did not expect to happen was my need to see the "other side" of the mountain.

Now I have a desire to travel down the other side of the mountain. Could I stay at the top? Perhaps, but where would the fun in that be? I want new challenges, I want new adventures, I want new scenery! Am I scared? Absolutely terrified! I am now travelling not only without a map in uncharted territory but I am also travelling WITHOUT a destination.

Does this mean that I am wandering around aimlessly? No. I may not have any idea where I am headed or how I am going to get there, but I do have BELIEF and HOPE. My belief is in me and my ability to navigate the safest path. My hope is that I will continue to learn, enjoy and be happy regardless of the path that I choose. You NEVER know what is waiting around the corner for you!

I know that there will be wrong turns, road blocks and various other pitfalls during my travels down the mountain. I know I will stumble on more than one occasion. I also know that I will pick myself up, dust myself off and move on. And if for some reason I can't get back up after I have fallen, I know I have a great support system in place to help pick me back up.

I could choose to stay safe and protected on the top of my mountain. Up there I can see it all and no one can touch me without me seeing the attack. Instead I am CHOOSING to jump in - no matter how scary it is or how hurt I might get - and LIVE LIFE! My journey will continue and I won't let my fears stop me now!

Peace

Let Yourself Go!

Letting go is not as easy as it sounds. It is extremely difficult to remove someone from your heart. It is a painful and lengthy process. Back when I was actively dating I was always very careful not to talk about any men around my children. I justified it in many ways - I deserve a personal life; they don't understand 2 coffees do not constitute a boyfriend; but the real reason was I was afraid that they would 'blurt' out the man's name in front of their father.

Oddly enough any time I was regularly meeting a gentleman my ex-husband would mysteriously start texting me more often; be nicer to me; or drop by to see the kids sporadically  On more than one occasion I had to 'remind' him that he made a choice to leave me and he needed to let me go and live my life.

The funny thing was it was not HIM who had to let me go - it was ME who had not let him go. When I was not involved with someone I was always "worried" about my ex. Not outright worried, but in the background still doing things for him - taking care of him without directly taking care of him.

For example - when the children would ask to take up an activity that I could afford - I would say "I don't think your father can afford it". I was still submitting insurance claims for the children for him because I knew he wouldn't. I would even make arrangements for the kids on weekends that he had them if they had special events like birthday parties.

The man was living his own life - doing whatever he wanted - without having any responsibilities - all because of me! Now how does this all tie into dating? Glad you asked. When I was dating I was always so careful to avoid my ex that I stopped taking care of him all together.

Earlier this year a very good friend of mine helped me to over come my NEED to care for my ex-husband. She supported me and gave me contacts when my ex and I hit a rough patch. Because of this support I am getting much stronger and have on more than one occasion refused to help him out with things.

This has been a huge challenge for me because I love to help people; however, my efforts have not gone unrewarded. By removing myself from my ex-husband's life and allowing him to make his own mistakes I have created a better relationship for my children. In the beginning these changes caused several problems for the kids and their father, but refusing to 'step in' and help him has forced him to 'step up' to the plate and parent his children. The end result is that he is now building a stronger relationship with his kids. For which I am grateful.

Removing the children from the equation, I was surprised to see how much time and energy I was focusing on my ex-husband - which is time and energy I can now focus on myself and my children. Sometimes you just need to let it all go!

Peace

He Who Must Not Be Named

With Halloween fast approaching I felt it would be appropriate to discuss fears. We all have them. Fear of spiders, heights, clowns, speaking in public. Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

I have a secret fear that not many people are aware of...it is called social anxiety disorder. This is the fear of what others will think of you - in my case - 'letting' others down or not living up to their expectations. In short - I am not good enough.

For the most part I go through my days with little to no impact regarding my disorder. I KNOW my job inside and out and I am confident in my abilities. At home I KNOW myself inside and out and am confident in my abilities. So, when do I have issues? When I participate in group activities - even if it is with people I know.

I know this sounds odd - and it is very strange for me because this is a new issue for me. I have never suffered from this issue prior to the breakdown of my marriage. Or perhaps I always suffered from it but because I was not self-aware I just avoided all social contact?? Either way, I have decided to write about my anxiety because like Lord Voldemort - the fear is perpetuated when you don't talk about it. When the fear is out in the open it loses its power. 

My anxiety has prevented me from doing many things. In the past these things were 'written off' as "not really important" or "I will catch the next one". In the end I got TIRED of always not doing things and sought help. One of the things I learned is that to break free from anxiety you must do the thing that makes you fearful. Right now, for me, that thing is my martial arts.

It sounds funny to say it aloud, but I am often terrified to go to my martial arts classes. On the days of my classes I start to get a stomach ache in the afternoon and by the time I get home from work I am sometimes actually sick to my stomach. But I know this is all irrational fear and I crank the tunes as I drive myself to class. Each class is different - sometimes as soon as I walk in the building I am fine and other times it takes about 15 minutes - but in the end I am ALWAYS fine!

So, why do I get so worked up? For me personally - I am afraid that I am not good enough and one day someone will say "how the heck did you even get your [whatever colour] belt - you don't belong in a black belt school!" I am afraid that I cannot meet the expectation to do 100 sit-ups or 100 push ups or 100 whatever. Is any of this rational? No! This is why it is a disorder.

For me the best medicine is to face my fears - to push myself to go and learn that even if I can't do what I believe is expected of me it doesn't mean that I am no good! As long as I have done the best that I can do I need to be happy with that. Each and every class I attend is a testament to my strength and determination to overcome this disorder and proof that I CAN do anything I set my mind to!

Peace

Chess Anyone?

Not everyone is lucky enough to do something day in and day out that they are passionate about. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule, we call these people "the lucky ones".

That is the great thing about personal interests. If you find something that you are passionate about and have the ability/ finances/ time to pursue it - life is grand! Something I have recently become passionate about and have written about in the past is martial arts.

Some may question my passion, but I can tell you for certain that I NEVER get up at 7:00 on a Saturday for ANYTHING EXCEPT karate - not even a photo shoot will get my butt out of bed that early. Sure I look like something the cat dragged in when I show up to class, but I go and I always enjoy it.

Last month - to compliment my karate - I took up Brazilian jiu-jitsu. My sensei encouraged me, but also cautioned me that jiu-jitsu does not progress as steadily as karate. This was not an issue for me - as I am not concerned with the 'goal' in karate - but rather enjoying the journey.

After a couple of classes I quickly understood why I liked jiu-jistu so much. It is a never ending game of human chess. Each move is extremely technical, precise, and accurate. It's like solving a BIG UNSOLVABLE puzzle! Perfect for my personality type - lots of learning and the learning NEVER ends! But my enthusiasm causes me to digress.

For me jiu-jitsu is much like life. A never ending struggle to survive. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but really, if you stop trying, you lose! In jiu-jitsu it has nothing to do with your size or strength - it all has to do with your ability to continue to move, or out maneuver the other person.

On my travels I have met many people, read many books and done much introspection. The end result has been many coping skills. These skills have helped me maneuver around many obstacles in my life. Is everyone born with these skills? No, but like jiu-jitsu everyone can learn them if they take the time.

Peace

Go Left Right?

After a brief hiatus I am back in full swing! A photo crawl yesterday brought back my passion for photography and my enjoyment of my creative/ artistic side. I know, I know this all sounds very corny, but it is true.

When you stop doing something you love other things in your life start to wither and die. You can still enjoy life and be happy, but being able to do something that is a true passion to you is like a free drug. There is nothing more exhilarating than partaking in that passion.

Throughout my journey I have rediscovered old passions - like photography - and discovered new passions - like writing and martial arts. As I sit here with pencil to paper I contemplate how my 'true' passions are all connected.

Prior to yesterday the last time I went on a photo shoot was in February! Now I have taken many pictures in between, but being out with others who enjoy the art is a different experience. Over the months that passed my camera lay on the shelf collecting dust. As my camera collected dust I found my passion for writing starting to 'wither' as well.

Now I have never been a writer. As you all know this is new to me and came about as an attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone. But as I write this post I am filled with such joy and familiarity! It is like finding a long lost friend on Facebook.

And how is all this connected you might wonder....well perhaps you wouldn't wonder, but I certainly wondered. I don't really know other than going out on my photo crawl resurrected my creative juices and next thing you know I am back!

To be honest I have been thinking about taking up writing again for some time, but yesterday was the little push that I needed. I have been walking along a fence for several months now. I have been balancing my sense of self with my children's grief. I have been balancing my needs with the needs of others...it was only a matter of time before I toppled over the edge.

Actually I never really toppled, I sort of JUMPED! For what ever reason I chose the "left" side of the fence rather than the "right" side. I don't believe that either side was any better, just different, but I know that the side I jumped to was the RIGHT side...

Because the side I chose was ME!

Peace

The End

I have heard my sensei ask the class on more than one occasion "who wants to earn their black belt?". Everyone in the class raises their hand but me. Truth be told I really have no interest in earning my black belt. I am enjoying the journey far too much.

I honestly believe that my heart and soul are already of 'black belt' quality. This goes beyond being a 'good person'. When faced with situations I have always chosen to take the 'high road' and be respectful, even when respect has not been granted to me. I have risen to many challenges and surpassed these obstacles. I have learned that I am the only person that I can count on and I have the ability to CHOOSE how I deal with anything life hands me.

It is this inner core value that has brought me to this difficult decision - to stop writing. When I started writing over a year ago it was to grieve, heal and forgive. Although my journey has not completely ended, this piece of it has.

While I was focused on my own well being and recovery I was not always aware of those around me, but with self awareness comes clarity. With this new clarity I see my children have begun to realize their own loss over the family situation and have started grieving. Thankfully I am now a more confident, self-assured person and I know I will have no problems supporting my children through their own grieving periods.

The reason I am choosing not to write is out of respect for my children. Writing about my own fears, hope & dreams, strengths & weaknesses is one thing, but writing about my fears regarding my children is a different story.

I would like to thank all my readers for their support. I have had so many emails from readers from all over the world! Some memorable emails have come from New Zealand, Japan, and Argentina. As well as family and friends in Canada and the US. I have appreciated everyone's comments, concerns and especially critiques. I thank each and every one of you!

I will continue to journal when I feel the need - and who knows - perhaps I will be back before you even realize I was gone. Until then I CHOOSE to be useful.

~May your love never end and if you need a friend there's a seat here along side me - Linkin Park

Peace

The Fence Sitter

My youngest child is forever asking me about my favourites. Although on an emotional level I am an extreme person, on a like/ dislike level I am a "fence sitter". I don't have a favourite food, car, colour, or animal. Nor do I hate any food, car, colour, or animal. They all have their positive and negative traits.

Speaking of hate - I have always found this to be such a harsh and finalizing word. I interpret the word "hate" to mean that there are absolutely no positive aspects to the object - but I believe if you look hard enough you can always find something positive. There are many things that I dislike or will not tolerate, but I am hard pressed to name any thing I truly hate. Actions or behaviours however are a different story.

As I become more self aware and more in tune with my core values I find my tolerance of disrespect has diminished exponentially. Many years ago I learned that you cannot advocate for others, so now I advocate for myself. My first steps are to put my needs first.

A friend of mine reminded me that putting my needs first is not selfish, but mandatory. This was easily explained using the airplane emergency procedures - adults must put on the oxygen mask first, then assist children. Simply put - if you can't breathe you are no good to anyone.

I am not very good at putting my needs first. Too many times I have re-arranged/ cancelled/ missed events that were important to me in order to "be there" for a friend/ family member/ acquaintance. In turn I often find that I have no one there for me when I need them.

Does this mean that I have bad friends? Not at all. It means that I have friends who are putting their needs first and I need to start doing the same. I need to feel equally good about choosing to do something or choosing NOT to do something. I need to choose what is best for me at that time.

I have spent so much of my life trying to "keep the peace" that I resigned all my needs. Now if asked, other than the basic needs of life, I couldn't tell you what I NEED. Right now I am learning some of my likes/ dislikes by trying new things. I am learning some of my needs by trial and error and how the outcome affects my self esteem.

So for now I choose to be MOTIVATED not manipulated.

Peace

The Other Side of the Mountain

I have learned that sometimes it is important to stop and see how far I have traveled. When you are in the midst of things it is hard to see your accomplishments. This is why, no matter how big or small they are, it is important to acknowledge your achievements.


Last week I reached my destination - the end of my journey - the top of the mountain. For 3 glorious days I was full of self esteem. I was assertive, without being aggressive. I was putting my needs before the needs of others. And when things went 'wrong' I just found a way to move around that road block.


The thing I enjoyed the most about these days was the inner peace. Not only did I feel calm, cool and collected, but I WAS all these things and more. Being at the top of that mountain however was a bit like being in toe shoes on a ball on top of a spire. For a person who lacks the 'co-ordination' gene it was only a matter of time before I toppled over, and topple over I did.


But rather than worry about my fall, I have decided to pick myself up, dust myself off, and practice balancing. Some people have the natural gift of grace and balance, but for me this is all new. Rather than beat myself up about what I "should" know how to do I am looking at all I "HAVE" done so far.

I realize that I have "tooted" my own horn more than a few times in my posts but the accomplishments I am reflecting on this time are deeper, more spiritual than loosing weight or getting my green belt. They are about reinforcing and following through on my core values. Basically I choose.


I choose to live by choice. I choose to change. I choose to excel. I choose to be useful. I choose self-esteem. I choose to be respectful. I choose to listen to my inner voice. I choose to put my needs first.


I am not naive enough to believe that I can control my life, but I do believe that I can control how I deal with what life has in store for me. I get to choose how I will react, how I will deal with the situation, and how I will handle things going forward. I may never be happy with the outcome of the situation but how I will let it affect me will ALWAYS be my choice.


Ultimately life is all about the journey, not the destination and it is important to savor the bad times as well as the good because it is the "bad times" that brings out the best in all of us. It is from the 'bad' things that we learn. 


Peace

When I Grow Up...

I don't remember ever wanting to be anything when I grew up. There are times that I recall wanting to be a police psychologist or an animal lab technician, but I don't ever remember having a "dream" of what I wanted to be when I grew up.


Recently I was asked "if I could do any job in the world, what would it be?" What a hard question to answer. My current job is really the only job I have had (aside from part-time school jobs). I have been with the same company for almost 21 years. I don't KNOW anything different than this job.


So, being the "me" that only I can be, I did some research. I "polled" some friends to see what job they could see me doing and what job would make me happiest. The answers I received were very interesting. No two answers were the same; however, each answer had 1 commonality - "nailing" my personality! They all knew that whatever job I did I would not be happy if I were not analyzing, challenged and trying to solve the 'unsolvable' problem.


Interesting how others know me sometimes better than I know myself. My answer to the original question was - "a medical researcher" or "a forensic scientist". But the job that I think would make me happiest would be a photojournalist or to own a used book shop/coffee house.


I have reached a point in my journey where I am questioning everything in my life. One of those things is my job. Is it the "right fit" for me? I am starting to see that so much of my life I did things because I was "supposed to" not because I "chose to". So often I put other's wishes and desires before my own. Now that I have the opportunity to focus on what I WANT TO DO, I really have no idea what that is. I have spent my entire life knowing only what I know - how can anyone know what they don't know.


With personal interests it is relatively easy to find something you like. Many places allow you to try one or two classes for 'free' to see if you are interested. Unfortunately jobs are not like that. Once you leave your job there is no turning back. You need to be sure that the 'new job' is what you want.


I find the entire concept foreign and overwhelming. My last job interview was almost 21 years ago. So I will do what I do best - research, analyze and determine what I want to do. I choose...to live by CHOICE, not by CHANCE.


Peace 

It's Not Easy Being Green

When my kids were in karate when it came to belt testing time they were required to complete an essay about why they felt they were ready to move to the next belt level. As an adult I thought that I would be exempt from this practice. I was wrong.

Writing an essay would be easy for me. This time instead of an essay I have to give a report card regarding my progress in the areas of form, fitness, self defense, commitment, respect and confidence. Wow! Now that is a challenge for many different reasons.

The first reason is in karate, as with life, you can always do better - there is no perfect. Add to that I am my own worst enemy. But rather than go on about why this task is so difficult I will focus on the things I do well and where I believe I can make the most improvements.

I know that I am working very hard at becoming more physically fit, but I can't do it all in 3 months. I perhaps don't work out as often as I "should" but I do work out as often as I "can". And when I am doing whatever form of exercise whether it be karate, boot camp or a simple walk I put my best effort into it. I give it my all at that point in time. Am I going to beat myself up because I am not doing as much as I "should"? No. I am pleased with my progress because I know that I am trying my hardest. Can I improve my fitness level? Absolutely. But again - it is not going to happen overnight.

Another area I am proud of is my commitment. I may not have the best attendance record or the highest number of classes but I weighed all the pros and cons of returning to karate for many months prior to starting up again. I knew that returning was a huge commitment. Being a newly single mum and doing things for me has caused a great deal of disruption in my family life. Through all the tears and the "mummy don't goes" karate continues to win out. My children are still learning but are starting to understand how important this is to me. Again, I may not be as committed as I "should" but I am certainly as committed as I "can" be at this point in time.

Overall the area that I feel I need the most improvement in is my confidence. Right now I feel like a kid who has skipped a grade. I feel that I need 3 more months of training before I can even consider testing for my green belt. I feel that I have not earned the privilege of green. I feel that I have so much that I don't know that I should already know and will be expected to know at an intermediate level.

As I re-read what I have written so far it is becoming apparent that my own inner conflict appears to be with "pleasing my sensei" vs. "pleasing myself" or "should" vs. "can". When I remove the "should" from the equation and ask myself where I "could" improve I believe my report card may have been slightly different from the one that was handed in for my belt testing.

Well, if I have learned anything throughout my journey it is that nobody is perfect. When you make a mistake rather than beat yourself up about it, try to figure out where you went wrong and how you can fix it to prevent it from happening again.

I will keep this in mind when I write my report card for my purple belt.

Peace

It's a Jungle Out There

 Animals. Oddly enough I find that most people either love animals or they don't. You rarely see people who have pets 'just because'. There are many people who don't have pets because of their lifestyle - which is smart - but who truly love animals. Like children, the thing with pets is you don't realize how much you love them until you have one.

I have never owned a dog, but from the dogs I have known their wants seem to be clearly interpreted. They want food, a walk, company, attention - basically just to be loved. Dogs will display their unhappiness by growling or barking. Cats on the other hand are not as easy to read. A cat can approach you, want to be pet and cuddled and 2 seconds later rip your face off! It doesn't mean that they don't want to be loved - they do, just as much as a dog does - they are just different.

I have had many cats throughout my lifetime. Like people, each cat has its own personality and no 2 cats have been the same. Yes there are some traits that all of my cats have had but really each one has been different.

 

Sometimes cats get a bad wrap for being "stand-offish", aloof and picky. Dogs are often seen as more outgoing, friendly and sociable. I honestly do not believe one is better than the other - they are just different.

Like people, animals have different traits. Most people pick a pet that "fits" with their personality type and lifestyle. Whether it be a dog for their companionship, devotion, and protection. Or a cat for their independence, curiosity and affection. There is no right or wrong choice, it is just what works best for you.

Why is it that people can be so tolerant of their pets unique characteristics yet be so narrow minded about the characteristics that make us each unique individuals?

Simple answer - because people try to be something that they are not. Imagine buying a cute little puppy at a pet store and bringing it home. You spend years caring for it, raising it and loving it and in 5 years you realize you have a fully grown snake (or a spider or lizard). There is nothing wrong with these animals but when you bought the puppy you were expecting a dog.

I think that I am going to take a lesson from the animals on this one and be true to ME so I don't get returned to the pet store.

Peace

Doin' the (Coo Coo) Pigeon

The other day a very good friend of mine told me that in reading my blogs they felt that I had it 'so together'. I laughed. I have been called crazy, off my rocker, nuts, out to lunch, a head case, insane, emotionally unstable, cold, withdrawn, and burrish but never 'so together'. Success!


All my hard work in changing my attitude, changing how I deal with things and changing what I will and will not accept was finally paying off. I was conveying my joy with another very good friend and this time I got laughter. WTF!


When I demanded an explanation it was simple. I have always been 'so together'. I have spent far too much time believing what a "few" people in my life have "pigeon holed" me as instead of choosing to believe what my best friends see in me.


I have based my image of myself on what a few people have told me. If I have learned one thing it is that most of the time people only give criticism and rarely give praise. So having mostly heard criticisms I have "believed" all of the things I have heard and tried to live up to these expectations.


I have to admit that now that I am seeing things clearer I rather enjoy being true to myself. Instead of 'believing' that I don't like people I can honestly say I quite enjoy people - in small groups. Instead of believing that I am cold and burrish I now recognize that I am factual and direct - so sometimes I need to stop and soften things up because not all people are as factual as me.


Another thing that I am realizing is that just because I don't stop to ask you 'how you are doing' does not make me insensitive or uncaring. In fact I am passionate to a flaw. I am often focused, driven and absorbed in my own thoughts. Sometimes I need you to 'burst' that bubble and bring me back to reality. And if you take the time to do so you will find that I am quite sincere, honest and caring.


Peace

David Bowie

Not everyone is capable of changing. Not everyone notices when things change. No one likes change, but everything is relative. Everything is transitional. Everything is always changing.

Change is not bad or good, it just is. It is how the change is perceived that makes it positive or negative. Change elicits stress in people. Like pain - people have different stress tolerance levels. Some people can handle more stress than others, and some handle different types of stress better than others, but there is always a "breaking point" for everyone when it comes to stress.

I recently completed a stress evaluation. This was a simple test where a numeric value was assigned to various "changes" going on in your life. The average person has a stress number between 65-75. Mine was 710!

Am I tell you this so you will feel bad for me? Not at all. Again, change is not good or bad, it just is. The last 2 years of my life have been nothing but continuous change. Separation, moving, divorce, moving, losing weight, illness, going back to school, losing weight, changes at work...well you get the picture.

Each and every change in my life has brought stress. Even though most of the changes have been positive I still need to 'learn' to adjust to this new way of living. Once a change takes place life as I know it is never the same. I am now clearly understanding why my doctors have been telling me to "slow down" or to "not take on so much". Sometimes stability is the best medicine. 

Unfortunately I am an extreme person. I have 2 speeds - stop and fast forward. While I have been trying to find a nice middle ground I often find that the 'ho hum' approach to things causes me to "stall out". So again - I am trying different things - I am now keeping a schedule!

You would think that a logical, methodical person like myself would love a schedule - think again - but this time I think it is working. I can fill up all the days on the calendar with an activity, but each activity is different - so I am not 'burning' myself out with one thing. This month has been my trial run and so far so good. Stability here I come!

Peace

Jane Doe

I have always considered myself to be an average person. A little bit quirky with a dash of the eclectic, but for the most part average.


Being an average person I often assume that if I can do it so can anyone else. There is a flaw in my logic. Just because I can do it does not mean that everyone can or that everyone wants to. In fact I am learning that all of my coping skills, my ability to look at things in a different light and my methodical thinking are actually personality traits unique to me and 10% of the female population.


As I delve deeper into my own self awareness I pause to appreciate how far I have actually traveled. I have overcome many obstacles. Conquered many fears. Wrestled with so many self doubts. Although I have cried my way through too many dark and lonely nights, I am so proud of all I have done and where I am now.


Yes, I have had help along the way, but not all obstacles can be moved on your own, sometimes it takes several people to help you see the way. Ultimately however, it was my own strength and courage that got me out of bed each day and in the end it is my decision to work on making ME a better person.

Someone told me that the true definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results". Sounds simple doesn't it - well it's not!


This is the reason I need to change. I am tired of the same results. Again, if I were not working on ME I would bitch and complain about it. Now that I am on a journey of self awareness this is no longer logical to me. Logically I have 2 choices - accept it for what it is, or change it. I don't want to accept it and I can't change anyone but me - so change I must!


I think I have been doing this for some time now, but was not "aware" that I was actually doing this. Now I understand why I am always so emotionally exhausted and so tired. So rather than trying to "blindly" change I am going to do what I do best. I am going to methodically and logically plot out my next steps. Then I am going to create a short term goal and a long term plan for myself.


Over the last 2 years I have been working on the Business Case - now it is time to start work on the project. See you at the kick-off meeting!


Peace

What's In The "Box"?

According to ancient Greek mythology Pandora did not maliciously open the jar that released all the evils of mankind. She was simply curious.


I myself can relate to Pandora. When I began my journey a little more than 2 years ago there was a door in the distance. I always wondered what was behind the door. Or more likely, "why" it was even there and what purpose it served.


As the days and months passed I progressively moved closer to the door. One day curiosity got the better of me and I opened the door to see what was behind it. To be honest it didn't look like much at the time, but now that I try to close it, like Pandora, it is too little too late.


Fortunately for me, the door only contained a passageway to self awareness and not all the evils of mankind. But the funny thing about self awareness is that once you are "aware" there is no way to become "unaware" again. There is no "Off Switch", no "Do not pass GO", and no "Do not Disturb".


Many people have commented to me that I 'think' too much. I honestly believe my 'thinking' is now a side effect of the self awareness. But as with everything in my life I am learning how to deal with this "new" self awareness. For the most part it has been amazing. I am seeing everything with new eyes. Everything I see is brighter, everything I hear is louder, everything I smell is stronger. Simply, all my senses are amplified. The good, the bad and the ugly. So I must remember to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.


In addition to my heightened senses I find I have a clearer understanding of things. It's almost as if I can see the "yellow brick road". Decisions are becoming easier for me to make and I am remembering far more things than I used to. The stress in my life has not decreased, but because I am changing how I will let it affect me I find myself enjoying the things I should be enjoying.


Like Pandora opening the jar, I have to accept that now that I have self awareness things will never be as they once were. Once Pandora realized what she had done by opening the jar she quickly replaced the lid. By the time the jar was closed all that remained inside was HOPE - just like me!


Peace

Throw Mamma From the Train

I have been slipping down the mountain. I noticed at first it was gradual, but over the last week I have lost all traction and plummeted into the pits of despair.


During this descent I began to realize that I am the only person I can count on. I am the only cheerleader. I am the only backbone. I am the only light at the end of the tunnel. No one can be these things for me - it is all up to me.


This is a scary realization which has only added to my despair. Not only do I feel all alone in this world, the realization that I am the only person I can count on has amplified my feelings of loneliness. Hope is a horrible thing because it allows me to live in denial of reality. Hope lifts your spirits and feigns the illusion of happiness until reality comes crashing in on you.

For me, as I am painfully learning, I have the power to accept or not accept things the way that they are. Most things I cannot change, but I can change how they affect me. This is where I struggle, this is my personal battle. It is so hard! I try really hard to see the good things in life, but when I am in the pits, good things are so hard to find.


I have been in the pit of despair more times than I care to admit. I know I will climb out, its just a matter of surviving and finding the strength to continue.


As I was driving my children to school they pointed out that Owen was riding his bike. I yelled out "OOOOO-WEN!" a la Throw Mamma from the Train. I started laughing so hard I was crying. Of course my kids thought their mum had just 'snapped', but truth be told I had just jumped out of the pit of despair. Just like that - all was right in my life again.


Peace

How Soon Is Now?

Strange things are happening. Disturbing, eerie, mind shattering events. I am happy most of the time. What's up with that?!


Why is it that now that I am happier with my life I often pause and think 'wait a minute - I'm supposed to be [angry/sad/afraid/etc.]'? Add to the mix that society "deems" me to be unhappy because I am not married with 1.4 kids, a 4 bedroom house and 2 cars in the garage.


Why do "others" get to say what makes me happy? When "others" learn that I am divorced I get the "AWWW sorry to hear that" and the 'move away slowly'  look as if I have the plague. I know I am not the only person that this happens to. I have several friends that don't have children and when that is mentioned - well, we really don't need to go there.


Why is it that society is so preoccupied with "normal"? Who gets to determine "normal"? And why is "normal" less than 50% of the Canadian population? Since when was "normal" the minority?


I am happy with my life and I am not afraid to say it. Would I be happier with a man in my life? It is doubtful. Would I feel less alone and more supported emotionally with a man in my life? If it were the right man, absolutely - if it were the wrong man I think I would just feel more stress and frustration.

In short I am learning (I would like to say have learned, but you can always improve) to be happy with what I have. I refuse to spend the rest of my life 'waiting until' and I choose to live it. I can whine and complain, but I am choosing to see the positive (it's always there - sometimes I need help finding it) in everything that happens.


I believe that now that I have reached the point where I have no interest in dating I am finally ready for a relationship. But having said that it will be extremely difficult to pursue a relationship with anyone considering I have no interest in dating. Hmmm - which came first? The chicken or the egg. With the knowledge that "Mr." is not going to just appear on my doorstep one day, how does one go about meeting new people? I can see I created more questions than answers. Perhaps these are items that need to be pondered longer.


To quote The Smiths ~ "Just shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does".


Peace