Pleasant Valley Sunday

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Charcoal burning everywhere

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Here in status symbol land 

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I have to say that I agree with this statement - the grass can be greener on the other side of the fence but the reason it is greener is because hard work and effort were put into it.


The lawn my ex-husband and I had was poorly cared for. There were burnt patches, weeds, grubs and even a few sink holes. It was often in need of mowing, weeding, fertilizer and general tender loving care.


I had learned to live with a poorly maintained lawn. I have never known how to take care of a garden - I tend to kill all living plant life. Now that I am on my own I am seeing the importance of tending to the lawn. If not regularly maintained the weeds grow quickly. Adding chemicals often results in burnt spots and in the end the lawn can look even worse. Sometimes even the best gardening efforts result in grubs and skunks if both parties are not prepared to share in the gardening.

Although my knowledge of gardening is minimal I have realized that my lawn is not going to take care of itself. I need to invest some time and energy into its maintenance if I want it to remain lush and green.


My ex-husband got tired of looking at the same old weathered and worn lawn. Rather than invest any time or energy into fixing it up he chose to move to greener pastures. Perhaps his new lawn will always remain green and weed free.


I am of the belief that nothing in life comes without some sort of emotional investment. So where does that leave me? With the realization that things are not just going to get better all by themselves. I have to invest some time and energy into making things better.

"We may have been thrown away but 

that does not mean we are garbage." ~ Toy Story

Peace

Baby You're A Firework!

I need to celebrate my accomplishments. I have been crying and down ever since I started climbing this f*@king cliff! I have a fear of heights - but I think it's time to stop and look down to see how far I have truly climbed.

Over the last year I have purchased my own home. Supported my children - both financially and emotionally through a family crisis. I got divorced. I went back to school and received my Associate Certificate in Business Analysis. I lost 60lbs - well that was over 2 years but I am damn proud of it!

I am learning to put me first. I am getting better at asking for help. I am learning to say 'no' - which I am sure is pissing some people off, but I am doing what is 'right' for me. I don't tolerate disrespect. I am learning what I need as opposed to what I want.

I am trying new things, meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends. I am visiting places I have always wanted to go. I am starting to live life rather than sitting on the sidelines watching it pass me by.

These things may seem trivial to anyone reading this, but to me these are major milestones. I have spent 24 years of my life 'de-selfing'. I changed/lost/refocused all of my own interested into those of my ex-husband's.

I have spent the last year learning who I am. Learning what I like, what I want, what I can do and most importantly to love me for who I am. Sometimes I have fallen off the path and gone back to the 'old ways' because they are are familiar, safe and comfortable, but every time I slip I learn what caused me to falter.

I think perhaps the thing that I am most proud of accomplishing is my own self awareness. I know when I have been pushed too far - either by myself or others. I also know when I am on the verge of falling down the rabbit hole - and I reach out for help.

I may not be able to control the stress in my life, but I can control how I cope with it. And even though I am still learning everyday how to better handle my stress, this is the one thing I am most proud of!

Peace

One Step Closer

Over the last week I have been singing lines from songs over and over in my head to express my feelings. "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage". "Crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal". "I'm holding on to what I haven't got". "The hardest part of ending is starting again".

As I usually do when I am out of sorts, I started to analyze my situation. This time I turned to the books. Fourteen years ago I was advised by a therapist to read a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Later the same day I learned I was pregnant with my first child and the book quickly became a distant memory.

Several years later, when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression I was referred to this book again. For whatever reason, I never read it. When my ex-husband and I attended marriage counseling, I was yet again referred to this book. This time I actually purchased the book, but being in crisis mode, never took the time to read it.

After my divorce I was once again referred to the book. This time I started reading it, only to quickly stop two chapters into it. Everything I was reading was far too real and I was feeling that if I had read it years ago perhaps I could have saved my marriage.

Yet again I find myself face to face with this daunting book. So far I have read to the end of Chapter 2. I cried with every word read, but this time I had an epiphany. I needed to look at why I am so angry.

Is it because I was mistreated by my ex-husband? Is it because I am mistreated at work? Is it because I have no one to share my life with? NO! These are all just things I am taking my anger out on.

I feel bitter and resentful because I am angry with myself. Over the years I conformed to what my ex-husband expected of me. I gave up my interests, my confidence, my abilities and my beliefs to keep my ex-husband happy. Essentially I gave up on myself.

Did he ask me to change for him? No. So now I realize that the cliff wall of 'Forgiveness' that I need to climb is not about forgiving the digressions made against me. I need to FORGIVE MYSELF.

My first step in climbing that cliff is to recognize that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I can't change the past, but I can learn from my mistakes. I need to develop a stronger "I". I need to recognize my accomplishments thus far.

Peace

Paper Cut

The other day I read a saying on someone's Facebook page. It was "If you don't like the path your life is taking, change it". Well, I know that this is something I have been preaching, but I am here to say that this is easier said than done!

Right now the only constant in my life is change, but I have quickly learned that there are different types of change - change I can control and change I can't control. The majority of the changes I face right now are out of my control.

I find it very disheartening when I put so much time and effort into changing certain aspects of my life only to be met with resistance. Many people who have known me 'forever' refuse to believe or acknowledge that I have changed. They are convinced I am 'acting', or 'kidding myself' that I am different, or they just don't take anything I say seriously.

It is this resistance to change that frustrates me the most. Change is a 2-way street. If others are not willing to accept that you have changed or see you in a different light is this an indication that it is time to move on? Is it possible I have outgrown these 'friends'?

I have given up the fantasy that I can change others. I know all I can do is change myself. Does my new self awareness and focus intimidate those around me? Do my 'friends' prefer me to be a weak, vulnerable, dependent individual?

I am at a loss here. All I am trying to do is be a better person, but sometimes I feel like it is all in vain. Some may argue that there was nothing wrong with the 'old' me, but I disagree. None of us is perfect, we can all improve and learn from our mistakes, and that is all I am trying to do, but it feels like all I have accomplished is to 'piss' people off.

I knew this last leg of my journey would be difficult, but I honestly underestimated how difficult it would truly be.

Peace 

The "F" Word

I have started back on my journey up the mountain. I have now exited the woods and my path is clear; however, I am unclear as to 'how' to proceed. In front of me stands a vertical cliff wall with no trail, just one word etched in its face, "Forgiveness".

For the past couple of days now my horoscope has eluded to the fact that I need to let go of the betrayal and resentment in my life and move on. I am struggling with this. Every time I tell myself to just 'let it go' I have a flash of anger and I quickly become enraged by the unfairness of it all.

The reason I have such a hard time 'just letting it go' is that each and every betrayal feels like sledge hammer shattering my soul. I liken my soul to a crystal - after it has been shattered all that remains are the broken shards lodged in my heart.

I have done an 'okay' job of welding the pieces of crystal back together, but now my soul is not a whole crystal anymore. Similar to a stained glass window, it still shines, but the pieces of my soul lay between ribbons of lead which are holding it together. My fear is that eventually the lead will replace all the crystal and my soul will no longer shine.

When I try to let go of the resentment and forgive the shards of crystal wedged in my heart hurt. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I need to stop for fear that my heart will break. I am now wondering if perhaps I need to endure the pain so that the crystal shards can work their way out of my heart - allowing it to heal - and one day love again.

So, here I sit, wondering how to begin climbing the cliff face. This is something that I am still working through as I write these words, so I have no 'positive attitude' or 'silver lining' for you my friends. All I see is graffiti written on the base of the cliff wall saying things like 'trust no one', 'each man for himself' and 'watch your back'.

I have no doubt that I will muddle my way through this next hurdle, but I am not naive, I believe that this will be one of the most difficult stages I will have to conquer. One day, when I have scaled this cliff wall, I know that I will end up being a better person for it - I just hope that I am able to keep the bitterness at bay until I reach the top.

Peace   

What Is Love?

To quote the 80's pop sensation Howard Jones "What is love anyway?".

I recently changed my online dating profile to reflect what I 'thought' I wanted in a potential partner. As a result I have moved away from the "jock" types and ventured into the land of the "intellect".

This has been quite an exciting and eye-opening experience for me. As soon as I changed my "what I find most attractive" from "eyes" to intelligence I had a sudden influx of emails and coffee dates.

I have had many stimulating and thought provoking conversations. Meeting this "new to me" breed of men has made me realize that there is a fine line between 'appreciating the arts' and being 'eccentric' (eclectic v.s. wacko).

As I continue on my journey to move outside of my comfort zone and explore new things in life I have made an honest attempt to learn more about the arts, but I am not quite ready to give up Disney for Indy.

I am amazed at how many of these men don't watch tv, never mind own one. Several of them told me flat out that they could not see me again because I watched tv. While I find the conversations interesting they have quickly become mind numbing for me a la Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.

Another 'deal breaker' that has come up with a few men is what love means to them. The general idea is that love is not a emotion (how you feel) or how you are treated, but rather it is an action (what the person does for you). It was explained to me in 2 different ways - the first one being - love is like a car. If you love it you will keep it clean, change the oil and wash it even when it doesn't need washing. The other explanation was that if I love someone I will make their lunch, draw their bath and ensure that all their needs were met.

What have I learned from these men? That everyone has a different idea of what love is and somewhere out there is someone who believes that love is the same thing that I believe it to be - snuggling up on the couch and watching cartoons.

If there is one thing to take away from this - it is that Love is...

Peace

Everything Happens for a Reason

I sometimes wonder if my ex-husband had not left me would I have ever started to learn all the things I have learned about myself and life over the last year? I like to think that I would have, but not as quickly. I know that before the crap hit the proverbial fan I was already starting to change, but it was at a very slow pace and I was constantly questioning my reasons for change.


Which I now find very strange. As I sit here and write I feel that I am not changing fast enough. I feel that I take 1 step forward and 4 steps back. At this rate I will never make it to the top of the mountain.


In all honesty I am exaggerating. I think in reality I am progressing 2-4 steps forward and 1 step back - but regardless I feel that I have hit a plateau. Hitting a plateau is normal - everyone needs to rest once in a while because climbing a mountain is exhausting!


I have hit several plateaus throughout my journey, but this one is different because I can see the top of the mountain so clearly from where I stand! The other plateaus were so far down that mountain that I felt I would never reach the top.


So here is my dilemma, I feel like I have been climbing for 16 hours, but I only have 6 more to go. Do a pitch a tent and rest for a while? Or do I keep on trekking on my journey? Logically I know the smart thing to do is to sleep, but the kid in me keeps saying "just keep climbing". But then reality steps in and says "it may only be 6 more hours but this is the steepest part of the journey and there are no paths to follow, you need to climb the face of the mountain".


So, I have pitched my tent on the trail and wait to continue my journey. I guess this is why "Patience is a virtue" and "Good things come to those who wait". Once I am well rested I will begin my journey again.


Peace

Money Make$ the World Go Round

Over the 24 years that I was in a relationship I was led to believe that I did not have the ability to handle money properly. Yes, when I was married we constantly lived pay cheque to pay cheque - mountains of debit quickly accumulated and we would scramble to find more ways to 'borrow' money to pay off the debts.

When I first bought my own house the money problems continued so one day I created a budget. After 2 months of 'watching where the money went' on the budget I had money in the bank and no outstanding credit card debts. I continue to practice this philosophy. Some months are better than others but the 'fear' of drowning in a mountain of debt keeps me focused.

Why am I sharing my finances with you? Well, I guess I am always amazed when I realize how often we believe what we are told. For 24 years I was told that I did not know how to handle money, that I was always spending too much despite the fact that I had several times created a budget to follow. I was constantly telling my ex-husband that the house was costing us more than we could afford. Here I am a year later with no debt (other than my mortgage). I live modestly and within my means and this means that I sometime even have money in my savings account!

It is moments like these that make me question all the other things that I have been told repeatedly throughout my life. Are they all lies as well? Why are we so easily swayed into believing what others say about us? Are we as a species so eager to please others that we will find some little bit of truth in anything that is said about us and just go with it? Do we all have such low self-esteem that if others don't approve of us we cannot believe in ourselves?

Well, once again I CHOOSE to not believe any of this anymore! I KNOW I am not perfect, I will make mistakes but because I CHOOSE to learn from my mistakes this makes me a better person. I CHOOSE to believe in me! There may be days when I am the only person believing in me, but I AM the ONLY person that matters! The same goes for all my readers, I want you all to CHOOSE to believe in yourselves as well.

Peace

How Much Is That Doggy In the Window?

Surround yourself with things you love - whether it be people, pets, books, etc. I choose pets. They provide unconditional love. Animals, like children, never cease to amaze me. Both have this ability to 'sense' or 'see' far more than we give them credit for. Animals always sense when you are upset and do their best to 'just be there' for you.


Recently a friend's cat had kittens. I felt it was time to add to our 'cat' family. So the kids and I sat down as a family and discussed it. I was more than shocked by the responses my children gave me - "Why on earth would you get another cat?" and "Don't we already have enough animals?". I sat there for a minute processing their comments. Yes, we currently have 2 cats, a rat and a hamster. Both of the rodents are approaching the end of their life cycles and I am convinced that there will be no more rodents (regardless of how much I love rats).


I let the conversation drop for a while and started to analyze - you know the thing I do so well. Here was what I came up with. My children have experienced so much loss in the past year. They have lost the only home they have known, their 'traditional' family unit, many of their friends and 3 cats. I started to wonder if this was why they were not interested in getting kittens.

I cautiously approached each child individually in an attempt to determine the true reason of the "no more cats" rule. My hypothesis was correct. Both kids were afraid that the kittens wouldn't fit in and would have to be send away or worse yet they might die. They expressed how much loss they have already had in their lives and through many tears and hugs I managed to convince them that everything would be alright. 


I found it heartbreaking that something so simple and pleasant as a kitten could cause such sadness and fear in my children. So I did what I have been making myself do, forced myself out of my comfort zone. I took the kids out to see the kittens. They were only 1 month old and had just started walking the day before we saw them. At the end of the visit I asked if they still though we should get "no more cats". The answer was "NO!"


Perhaps I was wrong in doing this - only time will tell - but I think it is far more important to teach my children about compassion, unconditional love, and finding the positive in a situation no matter how dark it has become than it is to worry about 'who will clean the cat litter' (I am not delusional - it will be me).


So I say surround yourself with the things you love. Cats like my children always make me smile, but as my children grow up and distance themselves from me, I will always have the cats - and the cats never talk back (well at least they don't say anything I can understand).


Crazy Cat Lady
Peace

The Hippogriff

As I walk through the woods on my journey I have had glimpses of it here and there. It's silhouette showing through the dense brush. Once or twice I have heard stirrings in the underbrush. The other day I happened upon a clearing and there in the middle of the clearing it stood. Tall, proud and majestic. I was in awe.

As soon as I saw it I froze, afraid to breathe for fear that I would frighten it back into the woods. I stopped my travels wanting to enjoy this fantastic moment, but I quickly realized that the more I held on to the moment, the faster it would flee, like a frightened rabbit into the underbrush.

I had to find a way to keep this wonderful feeling from disappearing. The 'creature' I had a glimpse of was my "backbone". I have mentioned several times that I am in the process of growing a spine. For the last few weeks now I have noticed that my spine is fully grown and getting stronger every day.

I am no longer afraid to ask for things I need. I am no longer afraid to pass on things that are no good for me, or of no value to me. I BELIEVE that I am worth "it" - whatever "it" may be. And most importantly I am proud of who I am.

I am now "choosing" to avoid people and situations that put me down. I am "choosing" to surround myself with people who have positive self esteem and I am "choosing" to learn from those people 'how' to stand up for myself. I am also "choosing" what battles to fight and which ones to walk away from.

To quote Albus Dumbledor in the Chamber of Secrets ~"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities" ~ J.K. Rowling.

Peace

Only the Lonely

I came across this quote the other day ~"To those who have given up on love I say, trust life a little bit." ~ Maya Angelour

This quote got me thinking. Once again here I am admitting I was wrong. Well maybe not so much 'wrong' as misinformed? Here's the thing. I know a few single people. I never judged them, but I did sort of assume that they had made a conscious decision to remain single.

I have begun to rethink my assumption. I have only been single a year and 1/2 and I am just about convinced that I would be better off remaining single. I know that life certainly would be less complicated and without all the 'drama' if I were to remain single.

Who would have thought that dating would be so difficult, time consuming and emotionally draining? So many people are all about the "chemistry", or feeling a "connection" and others fall "head over heels" after the first coffee. Can you really get to know someone after chatting over coffee for 2 hours? Absolutely not!

In all honesty I doubt that you can ever know everything about someone, but that's another story...back to the whole dating thing. I believe that I am getting better at managing my expectations. Managing my expectations means taking things for what they are - a good conversation over coffee.

Here's where I struggle - how can anyone get to know someone else in a few hours? This makes no sense to me. You need to continue to talk and meet on a regular basis in order to determine if there is any "potential" there. I don't see how this can be accomplished in 1 or 2 coffee dates, but that's all anyone seems to be willing to commit to.

I have been fortunate enough to meet some really nice people, some of whom I would like to get to know better, but things always seem to fade away - time passes and I never hear from them again. There are those who tell me that you must work hard for anything worth having. Others tell me that I will know I have found the 'right one' because it will be effortless. So for now I will continue meeting new friends for coffee.

Peace 

I'm Batman!

I get that not everyone understands why I do the things I do. Hell, a lot of the time I don't even understand why I do the things I do...but when you do something that you are proud of, only to have someone you care about criticize you for doing it, it hurts. And it hurts badly.

Many people have expressed their concerns regarding my blogs. They say that they "get why I am writing" and they "hope it is helping" but they feel that it is not appropriate. When faced with these conversations I am always at a loss for words. What do you say? I have always been a very open and forthcoming person and the things I write in my blogs are things I would tell anyone face to face.

Sometimes I wonder if these people are afraid that they will end up in one of my blogs. Truth is - they probably will. I have written something about EVERYONE I know...bet you didn't see that coming did you. Most of you don't even know that I am writing about you - do you?

The thing is - while my emotions and events are very real - the people are often a combination of several people. Different attributes from many people all combined into 1 "friend". The other way I try to 'mitigate the risk' (for my co-workers) is to focus on the positive characteristics of everyone in my life. We all have negative traits, myself included, but I see no advantage to dwelling on the negative.

I guess what I am trying to say is you are not going to end up in my blog because you were mean to me or because you did something silly at lunch - you are going to end up in my blog for the support you have given me, the traits I admire and the love I feel for you.

I just want you all to know that aside from being proud of something I have written and the potential of making someone else smile, I have started to notice other changes as a result of my writing. Having a venue in which to be flamboyant, dramatic and over the top has truly helped me remain grounded in many day to day situations. When I am not writing for a stretch of time I find myself over reacting to silly things.

Another benefit I have noticed is that my writing has forced me to slow down and observe life. How many of you drive the same route to work everyday and thank God your car knows how to get there because you don't remember driving there? When I am writing I need things to write about, and I get a lot of my ideas from observing. Taking the time to notice the scenery on the drive to work and the people in line at Timmy's is something I recommend to everyone.

We only get one chance at this life, make the best of it. Time passes far too quickly as it is - slow down and enjoy!

Peace

I Got Dumped...Again

Yes, you heard me. I sat there, the blood draining from my face, arms tingling as a knot arose in my stomach, everything moving in slow motion as I heard the words being uttered "I don't think we need to schedule another appointment". My insides screamed "NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

That's right, I was dumped by my therapist. Apparently I am one of the most "aware of myself" patients this therapist has ever seen. Although medical professionals seldom refer to spiritual practices I was told that I am a unique individual with a highly developed 'third eye'. My only issue is my self doubt - for which I have been enrolled in a "self esteem" class.

As I begged and pleaded for 1 or 2 more sessions, perhaps every other month or something

like that, the lecture continued. I need to listen more to my body and what it is telling me and not what other around me say/feel/or I believe them to think. Right - that's easier said than done. Worry more about me? What a novel idea. How am I going to do that?

Getting a clean bill of health on the sanity scale has not diminished my desire to write or my need to write. What has prevented me from writing is that I seem to have lost the TIME to write. Somewhere along the line I have lost a bunch of time. So, I started a root cause analysis.

I may be a 'well adjusted' individual who has learned many 'coping' skills to deal with stress and anxiety, but let me tell you - when the stress and anxiety is coming at you from your work and your home life all that 'coping' drains you emotionally. As I have mentioned, for the first time in a long time I am happy. Unfortunately my self doubt has started to creep into my subconscious and is beginning to wreck havoc. My only option now is to slow things down.

Right now I have no control over many of the things that are going on in my life - so rather than worry about the things I cannot control I am doing my best to manage the things I can control. In the beginning this was a minute by minute process but it is gradually getting easier and taking less effort. I have become aware that I can control "how" I move through my life and right now I choose to slow down and see the scenery - or as they say 'stop and smell the roses'.

I received an email the other day at work. The quote under the picture sums up my rants and raves perfectly. ~Life is not the way it's supposed to be...it's the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference."

Peace

A Dish Best Served Cold

Revenge.  I have heard this several times throughout my journey "The best revenge is living a good life". This saying has always frustrated me to no end. How the heck I am supposed to live a good life when my ex-husband is happier without me than with me and I can't seem to get past a second date with anyone? A good life means my life has to be better than his right?

WRONG! I have never thought of myself as an idiot, but let me tell you, I certainly feel like one right now. I was too wrapped up in 'besting' my ex that I couldn't see that I was not only living a good life, but living an AMAZING life. I have finally realized that I have never been happier in my life.

I have wonderful and supportive friends who think the world of me. I have the most respectful and beautiful children who think the world of me. I have a steady income which allows me to buy my $4.26 note books and keeps a roof over my head. On top of all of these things I have finally realized that I am happy with who I am. I am finally seeing what everyone around me has always seen.

For the last month or so I have had so many people comment on my profile pictures saying how happy I look in them. I have had co-workers comment on how happy my voice mail sounds. Friends have mentioned how relaxed and stress free I look. For the longest time I kept thinking that they were humouring me or being sarcastic, now I finally get it - I look and sound happy because I AM HAPPY!

What I also see now is that 'living a good life' does not mean having things like a boyfriend, lots of money or a fancy car, it means being truly happy from the inside out, not just shiny on the surface.

My wish for everyone reading this post is to strive to live a good life and get rid of the superficial happiness.

Peace

Say Cheese!

Life is about making memories. They may be good, bad or ugly, but nonetheless they are your memories.

Children have a unique ability to remember how an event made them feel rather than the actual event itself. One of my fondest childhood memories is picking raspberries with my cousin at her cottage. I remember spending hours in the bushes putting the raspberries in my Montreal Expos hat and all of us eating more raspberries than we ever took back to the cottage.

If you were to ask me when this was my answer would be every summer - all summer until I moved to Southern Ontario. In reality it was 1 day out of one visit 1 summer. Even more surprising to me is the fact that my cousin NEVER liked raspberries.

I guess the point that I am trying to make here is that its not about how much you have, how much you spend or how much you do that creates a lasting memory - it's about how you feel and how you make those around you feel that makes something memorable.

Having returned from our family vacation I asked my kids what was the best part of the vacation. The answer was a resounding "Harry Potter World". When I asked 'why?' my youngest said "because it made you so happy Mommy."

Peace

Dear Abby

I need help from all of my readers out there. I need to learn how to live in the "now". I want to understand how to stop setting hopes and expectations so high that others feel they will never be good enough to meet my standards.

I like to know where I am going. I don't necessarily need to know how I am going to get there, but I need direction. How does one just live for today, enjoy today and not worry about what may or may not be tomorrow? Is it human nature? Is it a female thing? Or am I just a personality type that has trouble coping with no direction?

I am looking to learn. I would like to know how each of you live in the now. Do you live in the now? Are you a planner? Do you set expectations and hopes? How do you manage your expectations? Does anyone out there even understand what the heck I am talking about?

This is not a test. There are no right or wrong answers. I want to understand, to learn and to grow on a personal level. Your assistance regarding this matter would be greatly appreciated.

Peace

TOD: 01:27 20110904

A friend of mine explained to me that in Project Management there are times when time of death (TOD) needs to be called on the project. This happens when the cost of the project - required resources, time, materials - outweigh the benefits of implementation. This can happen in projects that have been ongoing or just getting off the ground.

Working on many projects and having a very analytical mind I have applied this concept to relationships - or specifically 'potential' relationships. After having date after date cancelled and managing to meet twice over a 3 week period I have decided to call TOD.

This was not an easy decision, as there was 'potential' there; however, to me respect and communication are key factors in a relationship. Without these elements the relationship is doomed to fail. Over the last few weeks communication between 'coffee dates' has been like pulling teeth. When we meet face to face neither of us can stop talking, but in between meetings there were issues.

So I have decided to pack it in and move on. Am I upset? Yes. Do I wish I knew what went wrong? Absolutely. But the one thing that I do know is how far I have travelled in my journey. The fact that I can identify and call TOD before too much time and resources have been invested in the project is amazing and something I am proud of.

When I meet my responsible, honest and loving partner our relationship will be easy - not a struggle. There will be respect and communication even when we are not face to face. So, I am back online and off to meet another potential suitor for coffee.

Peace

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service

I find myself wondering if I am a dating "snob". I have a hard time taking compliments from men who are shirtless in their pictures. You know what - news flash - some things are better left to the imagination.

Through my online dating adventures I honestly try not to judge a book by its cover, but some of the things I see and read just boggle my mind. I get that no one is perfect, but quite often proof reading would be a first simple step to success. You wouldn't believe how many men want to get to 'no' me. I'm sorry, but there are typos and type nos.

While I am on the topic of "um...no", I wonder what exactly I would have in common with someone 20 years my senior? Or junior for that matter. Yes, I know many people who are with someone older - but these are men I have never met or chatted with and apparently I am the woman of their dreams.

Does it make me a dating snob because I have standards, expectations and basic requirements? I'm looking for a partner to share my life with, for an equal, a life companion. All of these things imply that my future partner should be intelligent, employed and have all his teeth - should it not? Or am I expecting too much? I guess I just expect my future partner to be on a par with me. Does this make me a snob?

I am a kind, intelligent, loving, caring, financially stable woman - do I not deserve the same in a man? I think I do. Does that make me a shallow person? Perhaps it does - but there is something to be said for similarities. Opposites may attract but what is left when the flames die down? I am at the point in my life where I will take an intelligent stimulating conversation over attraction any day.

Peace

Three Strikes and You're Out!

According to Merrian-Webster the definition of respect (noun) is an act of giving particular attention: CONSIDERATION; a willingness to show appreciation or consideration.

Some people seek the ever elusive butterfly called 'happiness', whereas I seek the beast called 'respect'. Respect has several meanings and means different things to different people. To me respect means treating others as you want to be treated.

Why is it so hard for some people to be respectful? Is it because they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth? Is it because they honestly don't know that they are being disrespectful? I give up. Your guess is as good as mine.

Does everyone really have a different opinion of what 'respect' means or does it have a universal meaning? Perhaps many consider me to be 'too sensitive', but if you have plans to go out somewhere and those plans change the respectful thing to do is to let the other person know something has come up and cancel.

Peace

Your Table of 8 Is Now Ready to be Seated

Thank you for being a friend. This line sums it all up. After spinning my wheels all month doing a 'pity' dance my friends gave me the ass whooping I needed.

They reminded me that I am not who my ex-husband says I am, I am me. They reminded me that what my ex-husband does is no reflection on me, it's his choice. Most importantly they reminded me to love myself - and I when I don't know how to - that they are there to show me.

How do you tell someone that you admire and respect them without coming across as insincere or phony, never mind corny or sappy? Bromance movies attempt to deal with this subject in a comedic way. Chick flicks deal with the situation head on, but either way, we all know life is not a movie.

I have decided 2 things. First, I give my friends permission to tell me to "suck it up and move on". I believe that I have moved past the 'hand holding' stage and what I required most now is a reality check. I need to stop idealizing the past and see it for what it truly was - and my friends, having been there, can remind me of that. When I am moping PLEASE REMIND ME - I give you all permission - you have it in writing.

Secondly I have decided to create yet another list (I love lists!). A list of all the people who have helped me throughout my journey. My intention is to isolate the trait that I admire the most for each person on the list. I know, this is not going to be easy.

In addition to isolating the one trait I admire most I am going to challenge myself to tell each and every person "what" I admire about them. This will be the most challenging piece for me because I want it to be sincere, not hokey, as I am truly thankful for all the help and positive energy I have received from all my friends throughout my journey.

I love you man!

Peace

I Lost My Shoe

So, it turns out I am not broken. After trips to my doctor, a 'specialist' and my therapist the end result is I am NORMAL! Me? Normal? Huh? Who would have thought.

In fact - it would seem that I am even better than normal. I have been using my coping skills with expertise and the fact that I went to seek assistance when I wasn't sure what was going on with me was a sign of 'having it all together' not a sign of weakness.

As for "why" I have been off lately? Well the obvious reason is fairly straight forward. The 'Last of my Firsts' trip to the cottage rattled my emotional state more than I would like to admit, but this did not explain the knots in my stomach - or as the professionals like to call it - anxiety.

I have been feeling anxious lately. It has been worrying me - hence the visits to the professionals and my lack of writing. After 4 visits with various medical professionals I learned something new - apparently anxiety is not always a bad thing. It was clear to these medical professionals (and I am certain somewhat funny to them) that my recent anxiety was a result of positive changes happening in my life.

Hmmm...happiness and excitement - two emotions that have been out of my life for some time now. No wonder I didn't recognize them. The anxiety I have been feeling is simply a side effect of making so many changes all at once - going back to school, dating, joining new social groups, taking up new activities/hobbies, and my rapidly changing body weight. Add to the mix my lack of sleep and ongoing journey of grief, forgiveness and healing and well - knots in my stomach.

The solution - keep doing what I am doing but a little bit slower and not so much. Apparently the best thing for anxiety is to face it head on - which I have been doing by 'stepping out of my comfort zone'. I have just gone a little bit overboard and need to stop taking on so many changes at once.

Like all vehicles I have several gears but recently I have only been using 'park' and 'reverse'. I have been so worried about being stuck in 'reverse' that I never noticed I had slipped into 'overdrive'. So my focus this month is to shift into 'drive' without striping the gears and spend some time enjoying the "NOW".

Peace

So My Doctor Sez to Me...

As I have mentioned several times in my posts by the time you read my thoughts I have made some progress at working through my issue. I have usually identified the emotion, done a root cause analysis and am working on a post mortem - which is what you are usually reading.

The last 2 weeks have been different. I have been broken. I don't know how else to put it. Until today I have not even known where to begin writing because I was unable to identify the emotion, the root cause and never mind the issue. I was tired (and I still am but its getting better). Emotionally exhausted. Just plain tired of thinking, tired of analyzing, tired of coping, tired of hurting, tired of monitoring, just TIRED!

I started to think that I fell down the rabbit hole without noticing - so I went to the doctor expecting to leave with medication for a bout of depression. After an hour of asking me many questions his conclusion was that I am not suffering from depression. There are 2 avenues that he wants to explore, but he was confident that it is the first one. One - sleep depravation. Two - general anxiety disorder. The second one is to be determined by a 'specialist' later this week.

The doctor went on to explain to me that there is a reason sleep depravation is uses as a means of torture. Lack of sleep messes with the chemical balance of the brain making you irate, irrational and depressed. For the sleep depravation I was prescribed a small supply of sleeping pills. Although I try to stay away from any and all medication I was at the point where I was willing to try anything.

I wasn't expecting miracles but I have to say I did notice a big difference the next morning. Not in my emotional state, but in regards to my motivational state. I was up early and on a cleaning kick. Everyday this week I have been cleaning - not the vaccuuming/dusting type of cleaning - the rearrange and purge cleaning.

After 5 days of a 'good night sleep' and some major purging it dawned on me. My cleaning spree is a result of my wanting to move out of the past. When I moved to my new house it was too painful at the time to weed through all the memorabilia and decide what should stay and what should go, so it all came with me. I now see that there is something to be said for having a clean slate.

When we separated I took most of the household items because my ex-husband wanted nothing. At the time I figured it would save me a lot of money. Now I have reached the point where I want a clean slate. I want to get rid of all the things we owned as a married couple. I want to move out of the PAST and into the NOW. Realistically I can't afford a "clean slate", but I can make minor changes - like new sheets, giving things to charity and perhaps in the near future a much needed sofa set (even if it is used). 

So, like my emotional well being, my physical existence will have to move forward gradually in baby steps - one household item at a time. As the summer draws to a close I am excited to start some interior work on my house - like painting!

Peace

So I Sez to My Doctor

Clinical depression is an illness that I take very seriously. I have been treated twice in my lifetime for clinical depression. My treatment involved both medication (for the chemical imbalance) and therapy (for the emotional imbalance). I am writing about this because someone was concerned about my well being and was kind enough to write to me about it. I truly appreciate and admire those who are able to speak out regarding their concerns for someone else. Thank you!

Your concern about me suffering from clinical depression is always on at the forefront of my mind. Throughout my entire journey I have been in therapy. For a brief time I was prescribed and anti-anxiety/anti-depressant, but at no time has my therapist or family doctor expresses a concern regarding depression.

I on the other hand, having suffered from it, am always concerned about depression creeping back into my body and sucking the life out of me. I meticulously track how many "down days" I have and record all of the factors that may have contributed to my depressed state. If I can't get myself out of my depressed state using the coping skills I have learned through therapy - I begin my "call a lifeline (friend)" for guidance and grounding.

I often question if I am suffering from full blown depression or if I am simply in a depressed state. For those of us who have been diagnosed with clinical depression this is a blurry line. There is no clear defining "AHA!" moment that indicates you have fallen too far down the rabbit hole. So I try to gauge my over all happiness with my overall sadness.

Truth is I am happy more than I am sad. My readers may not see this because in all honsety - the world loves a tragedy. The other reason is that I write to work through my person issues. All of the things I write about are things that hurt me, anger me, or scare the crap out of me. As I write and learn how to deal with these emotions and issues it can be very overwhelming and as a result my posts can be very dark and depressing.

My feelings and words in these posts are most definately real, as is the sorrow and the heartache I feel when I write them, but I have not yet had a day when I did not feel so much better after publishing these posts. Like talking to my therapist - writing my feelings out makes me feel better and sharing my feelings makes me feel less alone.

Rest assured when I see my therapist next week I will definately ask if there is a concern that I am suffering from clinical depression and I will take any medication my doctor prescribes should the answer be "yes". In closing - I do not take your comments lightly nor do I intend to make light of depression - it is a very serious disease that is entirely treatable and for those who suffer from it without proper medication and counselling it can be debilitating. Okay I will now get off my soap box and start my day.

Peace

Baggage Check Please

Everyone who has had a relationship has emotional baggage. If they say they don't - they are lying. The men that I have encountered through my dating travels have fallen into 2 categories - hoarders or magicians.
*I am certain that women fall into these categories as well, but I have not dated any women...yet. 

The 'magicians' are the ones who make their baggage invisible. They hide their baggage, misplace their baggage or possbily can't even see that they have baggage. Because they are in denial regarding their own baggage they are often quick to blame you for having too much baggage or not handling your baggage properly - like they do - you should make it disapper and pretend that it doesn't even exist.

The 'hoarders' are the ones who not only have their baggage strewn all over the place, everything inside each and every suitcase is all over the place. When talking with these people you need to move carefully because you never know when you are going to trip over their baggage or dumped contents. From my experience the 'hoarders' just want to dump their baggage all over you.

One of the "first date rules" is to NEVER talk about your ex - but like most dating rules - this one always broken. Inevitably I am always asked how long I have been divorced, how many dates I have been on, why my marriage broke down, how do I know I am ready to date. This line of questioning usually signals the end of the date. As I answer the questions honestly - the person in front of me will turn into a 'magician' or a 'hoarder' - and neither has a very positive ending.

So, on my recent date, as the question came out of his mouth I could feel the blood draining from my body. The date was going so well and the beginning of the end was about to commence. I took a deep breath and began my story. He asked a few questions and then he told his story. As we both relayed our experiences to each other, the conversation remained positive and optimistic. Something different was happening.

We both unpacked our baggage, laid out the contents, compared items, analyzed everything and then we both packed it all back up into our respective suitcases and stored them in the garage. Absolutely amazing! I had found a 3rd category. Something I like to call the 'traveller'. As I have mentioned in other posts -what you learn from your experiences is what makes you a better person. I am learning that there people who know how to handle their baggage.

Peace

You're Grounded!

Dating with kids who are old enough to understand what dating is all about makes for some interesting conversations. It's hard enough to manage my own expectations when it comes to dating, never mind those of my kids.

The one thing that I have quickly noticed is that the roles have become reversed. I am asking the kids for permission to go out for coffee. They agree, but put a 9 o'clock curfew in place. So off I go with my new found freedom to meet a guy for coffee. I think to myself "9:00 no problem, I'll probably be home by 7". None of my dates have ever lead to a second date, so I wasn't holding out too much hope.

Long story short - I missed my curfew. As I was climbing in through my bedroom window at 10:00 I could hear the kids yelling at me - man were the kids PISSED! Well, not really, but they were not very pleased with my behaviour. After a talk about the situation and some grovelling on my part we kissed and made up.

The next day, I had a pleasant surprise. I got asked out on a second date! That night nonetheless. The same gentleman wanted to see me 2 nights in a row. Unfortunately I had to decline. My children come first. But I still wanted to talk to this gentleman again, so I picked up the phone and gave him a call - I made sure 'the kid' was in the shower before starting the conversation, but we did manage to talk for a bit.

As I write this post with a silly teenage grin on my face I wonder how good I will be at walking a tight rope. The tight rope I am referring to is the fine line between putting 'me' first and 'never putting any man before my children'. I am fully aware that I need to have "my time" and "their time" and it has to be a give and take.

Just as I thought I had it all under control yet another bend in the path. But just like all the other paths I have travelled throughout my journey I will take it one step at a time.

Peace

Dude, You're Fugly

Online dating is not for the faint of heart. It takes a thick skin and the ability to take nothing personal. In addition to this you need to learn to expect the same thing over and over again.

Rather than being rejected face to face by one man you are rejected by hundreds of men on a daily basis just by the nature of online sites. Now that I am testing the waters of online dating again the first thing I notice is that all the men are the same ones from a year ago. The same profile, the same pictures, the same.

It makes me question the whole concept of online dating. I know that it has worked for many people, but the more people I meet the more problems I hear about it. It seems that everyone has the same complaints - either the people they are attracting are not what they are looking for, or the people never want to meet.

You need to remain vigilant and alert. It takes a great deal of energy to read between the lines and weed out the crap that is out there. The other day I fell for the oldest scam out there. On several sites there is no cost to view, but in order to communicate with others you need to sign up. I had received a couple of emails from this "fellow" in St. George. I was not a member of the site - but eventually I caved and signed up for the low low price of $12.95 per month - and low and behold it was a scammer!

These guys are easy to spot. Their emails are way too long - no man on the planet is THAT wordy! There are TONS of spelling mistakes and they always call you stupid disrespectful nick names like 'hun' 'sweetie' or 'lover' - SERIOUSLY! If you are chatting with one of these scammer the always ask you 'where' you live - DUH! It's on my freaking profile - learn to read!

Perhaps the hardest part of online dating is not becoming a cynic. Every once in a while you start chatting with someone and it's hard to 'believe' that they are real. You Google their phone number, fact check with friends, sometimes I wish I knew someone who could run a police check...am I just being cautious, or have I become so jaded that I have a hard time believing what anyone tells me?

Then you reach a point where you are pretty sure that they are 'real' and you agree to meet for coffee (not Coffee). How long to you wait before contacting him again? Will we ever meet for coffee? Oh, but that's another story...

Peace

I'm Off to See the Wizard

There are times, like 2:37 a.m. that I wish, like the straw man I had no brain. Why do some individuals, myself being one of them, have the need to analyze everything? Why is there no "off" switch in our brains?

Raise your hand if this has happened to you before. You are exhausted so instead of going to bed early, like you should, you stay up even later because you have 'just a few more things to do'. Then at some ungodly hour you bolt upright in bed with a mental list of a dozen other things to do. You lie back down and try to sleep, but it is hopeless.

I used to toss and turn for hours, only to fall back asleep around 6:00 and an hour later my alarm would go off. How do you spell annoying? Recently I have started getting up instead. I heard somewhere that if you wake in the middle of the night you should get out of bed and go and read in a quite place. I have had some success with the 'reading' thing, but I find it hard to leave my bed.

The things that wake me in the middle of the night are usually the most ridiculous things - like I forgot to bake a banana loaf for the CEO of Disney who is coming by next Thursday - seriously? What has me up this lovely evening? My writing.

I was in a deep, peaceful, restful sleep and words just started coming into my head. I slowly awoke to realize I had to pee really badly! After I got up, I could not fall back asleep, so I grabbed my $4.26 notepad and started writing. I finished off the post I had started on Sunday and kept on writing.

So here I am now at 3:14 a.m. finishing up my next post. I may not even 'proof read' this one - it might make for a more interesting read. I wonder if I 'make sense' at 3 o'clock in the morning or if the things I pen are just gibberish?

I guess the point of this entire post is that I am who I am and I can't change my basic needs. I have a need to write and no matter how many times I say 'that's it, I've had it, no more' something inside me drives me to continue. I just wish it wasn't telling me this at 3 a.m., but perhaps if I was listening to myself instead of ignoring my needs I would be sleeping soundly.

Peace

When All Hope Is Gone

There are people that investigate accidents and their job is to reconstruct how the accident happened. For the life of me I can't figure out where I went off the tracks. Now as I sit here in the smoldering wreck I come to the conclusion that I am sick of feeling. I just want to not feel anything any more. In addition I want to stop thinking. My brain is far more dangerous than any nuclear weapon. I AM my own worst enemy.

As I mentioned I have no idea how I got here - and I am not so sure it really matters. What I need to do is get out of here - fast! I can't change the past, I can only change the present. I can't change others, I can only change myself. These are mantras I keep telling myself on a regular basis.

What happens when you are so tired of reminding yourself of these things? What happens when all hope is gone? I deserve better. I am a wonderful person. I have family and friends who love me. If I am/have all these things why am I sitting here crying? Why have I been immobilized for the last 2 days? Why do I feel alone in a room full of people? Why can't I make the pain go away? Why can't I stop analyzing things? Why can't I just be happy with all the love I have?

Like it or not my ex-husband was my best friend for 24 years. He was always there for me when I needed him, and he is still there for me today, but I try really hard not to need him. He has asked me several times if we could remain friends. I have always said "no"". I am very black & white regarding this. It's all or nothing for me, I don't deal well with ambiguity. Perhaps at some point when I have healed it could be an option, but not now, because I am the one who will end up being hurt. I have to protect me.

Friends have told me on several occasions that it is not "him" that I miss it is something he represents. They are probably right. I miss having someone in my life 24/7. I miss having a person that I can talk to about anything at anytime. I miss knowing that no matter what happens someone is there for me. I miss having someone to give me a hug when I have a bad day. I miss having a partner to share my life with.

I now understand why people stay in unhappy relationships. They may not know 'why' they stay, but I suspect this may be one of the underlying reasons. Is there anything I can do? Absolutely not. Like it or not I am divorced. I have to learn to accept that there is a good probability that I will spend the rest of my life single. Perhaps it is this realization and attempt at acceptance that has derailed my train.

I am certain this is all a part of my journey, but since I cannot see my destination right now I may need to pull off the road for a bit. I am too tired to continue travelling.

Peace