Pleasant Valley Sunday

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Charcoal burning everywhere

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Here in status symbol land 

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I have to say that I agree with this statement - the grass can be greener on the other side of the fence but the reason it is greener is because hard work and effort were put into it.


The lawn my ex-husband and I had was poorly cared for. There were burnt patches, weeds, grubs and even a few sink holes. It was often in need of mowing, weeding, fertilizer and general tender loving care.


I had learned to live with a poorly maintained lawn. I have never known how to take care of a garden - I tend to kill all living plant life. Now that I am on my own I am seeing the importance of tending to the lawn. If not regularly maintained the weeds grow quickly. Adding chemicals often results in burnt spots and in the end the lawn can look even worse. Sometimes even the best gardening efforts result in grubs and skunks if both parties are not prepared to share in the gardening.

Although my knowledge of gardening is minimal I have realized that my lawn is not going to take care of itself. I need to invest some time and energy into its maintenance if I want it to remain lush and green.


My ex-husband got tired of looking at the same old weathered and worn lawn. Rather than invest any time or energy into fixing it up he chose to move to greener pastures. Perhaps his new lawn will always remain green and weed free.


I am of the belief that nothing in life comes without some sort of emotional investment. So where does that leave me? With the realization that things are not just going to get better all by themselves. I have to invest some time and energy into making things better.

"We may have been thrown away but 

that does not mean we are garbage." ~ Toy Story

Peace

Baby You're A Firework!

I need to celebrate my accomplishments. I have been crying and down ever since I started climbing this f*@king cliff! I have a fear of heights - but I think it's time to stop and look down to see how far I have truly climbed.

Over the last year I have purchased my own home. Supported my children - both financially and emotionally through a family crisis. I got divorced. I went back to school and received my Associate Certificate in Business Analysis. I lost 60lbs - well that was over 2 years but I am damn proud of it!

I am learning to put me first. I am getting better at asking for help. I am learning to say 'no' - which I am sure is pissing some people off, but I am doing what is 'right' for me. I don't tolerate disrespect. I am learning what I need as opposed to what I want.

I am trying new things, meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends. I am visiting places I have always wanted to go. I am starting to live life rather than sitting on the sidelines watching it pass me by.

These things may seem trivial to anyone reading this, but to me these are major milestones. I have spent 24 years of my life 'de-selfing'. I changed/lost/refocused all of my own interested into those of my ex-husband's.

I have spent the last year learning who I am. Learning what I like, what I want, what I can do and most importantly to love me for who I am. Sometimes I have fallen off the path and gone back to the 'old ways' because they are are familiar, safe and comfortable, but every time I slip I learn what caused me to falter.

I think perhaps the thing that I am most proud of accomplishing is my own self awareness. I know when I have been pushed too far - either by myself or others. I also know when I am on the verge of falling down the rabbit hole - and I reach out for help.

I may not be able to control the stress in my life, but I can control how I cope with it. And even though I am still learning everyday how to better handle my stress, this is the one thing I am most proud of!

Peace

One Step Closer

Over the last week I have been singing lines from songs over and over in my head to express my feelings. "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage". "Crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal". "I'm holding on to what I haven't got". "The hardest part of ending is starting again".

As I usually do when I am out of sorts, I started to analyze my situation. This time I turned to the books. Fourteen years ago I was advised by a therapist to read a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Later the same day I learned I was pregnant with my first child and the book quickly became a distant memory.

Several years later, when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression I was referred to this book again. For whatever reason, I never read it. When my ex-husband and I attended marriage counseling, I was yet again referred to this book. This time I actually purchased the book, but being in crisis mode, never took the time to read it.

After my divorce I was once again referred to the book. This time I started reading it, only to quickly stop two chapters into it. Everything I was reading was far too real and I was feeling that if I had read it years ago perhaps I could have saved my marriage.

Yet again I find myself face to face with this daunting book. So far I have read to the end of Chapter 2. I cried with every word read, but this time I had an epiphany. I needed to look at why I am so angry.

Is it because I was mistreated by my ex-husband? Is it because I am mistreated at work? Is it because I have no one to share my life with? NO! These are all just things I am taking my anger out on.

I feel bitter and resentful because I am angry with myself. Over the years I conformed to what my ex-husband expected of me. I gave up my interests, my confidence, my abilities and my beliefs to keep my ex-husband happy. Essentially I gave up on myself.

Did he ask me to change for him? No. So now I realize that the cliff wall of 'Forgiveness' that I need to climb is not about forgiving the digressions made against me. I need to FORGIVE MYSELF.

My first step in climbing that cliff is to recognize that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I can't change the past, but I can learn from my mistakes. I need to develop a stronger "I". I need to recognize my accomplishments thus far.

Peace

Paper Cut

The other day I read a saying on someone's Facebook page. It was "If you don't like the path your life is taking, change it". Well, I know that this is something I have been preaching, but I am here to say that this is easier said than done!

Right now the only constant in my life is change, but I have quickly learned that there are different types of change - change I can control and change I can't control. The majority of the changes I face right now are out of my control.

I find it very disheartening when I put so much time and effort into changing certain aspects of my life only to be met with resistance. Many people who have known me 'forever' refuse to believe or acknowledge that I have changed. They are convinced I am 'acting', or 'kidding myself' that I am different, or they just don't take anything I say seriously.

It is this resistance to change that frustrates me the most. Change is a 2-way street. If others are not willing to accept that you have changed or see you in a different light is this an indication that it is time to move on? Is it possible I have outgrown these 'friends'?

I have given up the fantasy that I can change others. I know all I can do is change myself. Does my new self awareness and focus intimidate those around me? Do my 'friends' prefer me to be a weak, vulnerable, dependent individual?

I am at a loss here. All I am trying to do is be a better person, but sometimes I feel like it is all in vain. Some may argue that there was nothing wrong with the 'old' me, but I disagree. None of us is perfect, we can all improve and learn from our mistakes, and that is all I am trying to do, but it feels like all I have accomplished is to 'piss' people off.

I knew this last leg of my journey would be difficult, but I honestly underestimated how difficult it would truly be.

Peace