As I walk through the woods on my journey I have had glimpses of it here and there. It's silhouette showing through the dense brush. Once or twice I have heard stirrings in the underbrush. The other day I happened upon a clearing and there in the middle of the clearing it stood. Tall, proud and majestic. I was in awe.
As soon as I saw it I froze, afraid to breathe for fear that I would frighten it back into the woods. I stopped my travels wanting to enjoy this fantastic moment, but I quickly realized that the more I held on to the moment, the faster it would flee, like a frightened rabbit into the underbrush.
I had to find a way to keep this wonderful feeling from disappearing. The 'creature' I had a glimpse of was my "backbone". I have mentioned several times that I am in the process of growing a spine. For the last few weeks now I have noticed that my spine is fully grown and getting stronger every day.
I am no longer afraid to ask for things I need. I am no longer afraid to pass on things that are no good for me, or of no value to me. I BELIEVE that I am worth "it" - whatever "it" may be. And most importantly I am proud of who I am.
I am now "choosing" to avoid people and situations that put me down. I am "choosing" to surround myself with people who have positive self esteem and I am "choosing" to learn from those people 'how' to stand up for myself. I am also "choosing" what battles to fight and which ones to walk away from.
To quote Albus Dumbledor in the Chamber of Secrets ~"It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities" ~ J.K. Rowling.
Peace
I came across this quote the other day ~"To those who have given up on love I say, trust life a little bit." ~ Maya Angelour
This quote got me thinking. Once again here I am admitting I was wrong. Well maybe not so much 'wrong' as misinformed? Here's the thing. I know a few single people. I never judged them, but I did sort of assume that they had made a conscious decision to remain single.
I have begun to rethink my assumption. I have only been single a year and 1/2 and I am just about convinced that I would be better off remaining single. I know that life certainly would be less complicated and without all the 'drama' if I were to remain single.
Who would have thought that dating would be so difficult, time consuming and emotionally draining? So many people are all about the "chemistry", or feeling a "connection" and others fall "head over heels" after the first coffee. Can you really get to know someone after chatting over coffee for 2 hours? Absolutely not!
In all honesty I doubt that you can ever know everything about someone, but that's another story...back to the whole dating thing. I believe that I am getting better at managing my expectations. Managing my expectations means taking things for what they are - a good conversation over coffee.
Here's where I struggle - how can anyone get to know someone else in a few hours? This makes no sense to me. You need to continue to talk and meet on a regular basis in order to determine if there is any "potential" there. I don't see how this can be accomplished in 1 or 2 coffee dates, but that's all anyone seems to be willing to commit to.
I have been fortunate enough to meet some really nice people, some of whom I would like to get to know better, but things always seem to fade away - time passes and I never hear from them again. There are those who tell me that you must work hard for anything worth having. Others tell me that I will know I have found the 'right one' because it will be effortless. So for now I will continue meeting new friends for coffee.
Peace
I get that not everyone understands why I do the things I do. Hell, a lot of the time I don't even understand why I do the things I do...but when you do something that you are proud of, only to have someone you care about criticize you for doing it, it hurts. And it hurts badly.
Many people have expressed their concerns regarding my blogs. They say that they "get why I am writing" and they "hope it is helping" but they feel that it is not appropriate. When faced with these conversations I am always at a loss for words. What do you say? I have always been a very open and forthcoming person and the things I write in my blogs are things I would tell anyone face to face.
Sometimes I wonder if these people are afraid that they will end up in one of my blogs. Truth is - they probably will. I have written something about EVERYONE I know...bet you didn't see that coming did you. Most of you don't even know that I am writing about you - do you?
The thing is - while my emotions and events are very real - the people are often a combination of several people. Different attributes from many people all combined into 1 "friend". The other way I try to 'mitigate the risk' (for my co-workers) is to focus on the positive characteristics of everyone in my life. We all have negative traits, myself included, but I see no advantage to dwelling on the negative.
I guess what I am trying to say is you are not going to end up in my blog because you were mean to me or because you did something silly at lunch - you are going to end up in my blog for the support you have given me, the traits I admire and the love I feel for you.
I just want you all to know that aside from being proud of something I have written and the potential of making someone else smile, I have started to notice other changes as a result of my writing. Having a venue in which to be flamboyant, dramatic and over the top has truly helped me remain grounded in many day to day situations. When I am not writing for a stretch of time I find myself over reacting to silly things.
Another benefit I have noticed is that my writing has forced me to slow down and observe life. How many of you drive the same route to work everyday and thank God your car knows how to get there because you don't remember driving there? When I am writing I need things to write about, and I get a lot of my ideas from observing. Taking the time to notice the scenery on the drive to work and the people in line at Timmy's is something I recommend to everyone.
We only get one chance at this life, make the best of it. Time passes far too quickly as it is - slow down and enjoy!
Peace
Yes, you heard me. I sat there, the blood draining from my face, arms tingling as a knot arose in my stomach, everything moving in slow motion as I heard the words being uttered "I don't think we need to schedule another appointment". My insides screamed "NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
That's right, I was dumped by my therapist. Apparently I am one of the most "aware of myself" patients this therapist has ever seen. Although medical professionals seldom refer to spiritual practices I was told that I am a unique individual with a highly developed 'third eye'. My only issue is my self doubt - for which I have been enrolled in a "self esteem" class.
As I begged and pleaded for 1 or 2 more sessions, perhaps every other month or something
like that, the lecture continued. I need to listen more to my body and what it is telling me and not what other around me say/feel/or I believe them to think. Right - that's easier said than done. Worry more about me? What a novel idea. How am I going to do that?
Getting a clean bill of health on the sanity scale has not diminished my desire to write or my need to write. What has prevented me from writing is that I seem to have lost the TIME to write. Somewhere along the line I have lost a bunch of time. So, I started a root cause analysis.
I may be a 'well adjusted' individual who has learned many 'coping' skills to deal with stress and anxiety, but let me tell you - when the stress and anxiety is coming at you from your work and your home life all that 'coping' drains you emotionally. As I have mentioned, for the first time in a long time I am happy. Unfortunately my self doubt has started to creep into my subconscious and is beginning to wreck havoc. My only option now is to slow things down.
Right now I have no control over many of the things that are going on in my life - so rather than worry about the things I cannot control I am doing my best to manage the things I can control. In the beginning this was a minute by minute process but it is gradually getting easier and taking less effort. I have become aware that I can control "how" I move through my life and right now I choose to slow down and see the scenery - or as they say 'stop and smell the roses'.
I received an email the other day at work. The quote under the picture sums up my rants and raves perfectly. ~Life is not the way it's supposed to be...it's the way it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference."
Peace
