Still The One

We've all heard the phrases - "the ying to my yang", "my better half", "I couldn't survive without him" and the saccharine "we complete each other". Yes, I'm talking about relationships. Being in love is a wonderful feeling. When we are in love we can't imagine a world without the other person in it...or so I am told. When I was a teen, love was like that, as a adult 'love' does not affect me in the same way...or perhaps I have never been in love as an adult.

Now that all my friends are coupled the phrases I tend to hear are - 'the right one is out there, just keep looking', 'do what interests you and you will attract the right one', or the best one of all 'it will happen when you aren't looking' (we won't discuss this one).

My question is why is everything about "the one"? I find it hard to imagine one single person who can bring more to my life than I already bring to it each day loving myself, having fun, being silly and just enjoying life. I believe that I am the one who makes myself better...not "the one". And if I expand my thoughts on this and say that "the one" compliments me, then why is there only "one"? The reason I have so many people in my life, both female and male, is that each and every person contributes something positive to my personal growth and well being.  

Don't get me wrong, this is not an 'anti' relationship rant. Its more about how society as a whole places so much emphasis on being 'coupled'. It's as if we are not born complete and we need to find our halves. But what if I was born whole...then what? Where do I fit in? Or perhaps I wasn't born whole, but my life's struggles allowed me to grow and learn how to be whole...now what? Do I no longer have a place in our society because I don't need another being to make me a whole person?

My ultimate objective is to find someone who helps me grow and/or reminds me to always be my best. Truth is, everyone has his or her own best interests at heart. No matter how genuine, kindhearted or caring a person is, they are going to be more aware of their needs than mine. All I am saying is that others don't realize what I need unless I tell them. That's how it works. Which means I need to know me and not rely on someone else to complete me. So having said that logically am I not "the one"?

Peace

Hasn't Hit Me Yet

They say that it is easy to keep a secret from yourself. Similarly I believe that the easiest person to lie to is yourself. Sometimes the only way we can realize the truth we hide from ourselves is by hearing others say it. For me it's to put it down on paper...so here goes.

This is something that I have tried to write for a few months now. The words never seem to come out right. The thoughts and the issues are intertwined and confusing. I do know that the underlying issue is not new, it has been with me for years and bubbles to the surface every once in a while. Lately I have been more aware of it's presence, like a scratching at the back of my mind. Something buried deep down inside me, I know is there but have long since forgotten about.

This is about my inability to open myself up and to allow others in - basically to love and be loved. My past choices in love are clear indicators that I place my emotions with men I have no business trusting with my emotions; there is absolutely no possibility of emotional reciprocation. In other words - I noticed years ago I have a tendency to set myself up for failure - which is one of the reasons I stopped dating. Better to be alone than lonely.

Over the past few years I have started to observe traits that I am attracted to. For me the paramount organ of passion is the mind. Without intellect there can be no emotional connection, no love. It is this realization that paralyzes me with fear. The only way to find this trait is to get to know someone. In order to get to know someone, one must bring down the walls and reveal themselves. Something that terrifies me.

For me, the potential for being rejected for who I am outweighs the benefit of any relationship. I am just now starting to realize that I can't abandon love just because its scary and just because you get hurt. My memories hurt like hell, but pain isn't anything special or new to me. I continue to inflict pain on myself by getting involved with the 'wrong' men, and I live through it - so I can do it again.

The thing is, I am not sure I am ready to do it again. Perhaps the first step is recognizing and identifying my behaviours. The harder part, changing my behaviours, will come in time.

"Hey, hey I guess it hasn't hit me yet. I fell through this crack and I kind of lost my head" ~ Blue Rodeo

Peace

Death of Seasons

Right or wrong people are far more interested in sadness than happiness. When asked about your weekend the "Fantastic!" answer ends the conversation. The "Horrible!" answer leads to "Why? What happened? Oh no!".

Being a 'helper' this is a behaviour I have observed in myself. Now that I am aware of this behaviour I am trying my best to change it. This is difficult because I really do what to 'help' a friend who had a horrible weekend. As we know life is not always fairy dust and glitter.

I am now also very aware of the opposite scenario. I don't want to "burden" others with my "horrible" weekends. Life is far too short to dwell on the sadness and bad times.

Ultimately its about finding a balance. I know, I know...not easy for an extreme personality like mine. This is my daily battle - which of late I am winning! Things are going well and I am still writing. There have been several bad things happen in my life and I am still positive and optimistic. 

I am doing my best to deal with my personal struggles without sitting and waiting for the 'other shoe to drop'. In fact I am looking forward to the next challenge. I am confident I will rise to the occasion and move through the next bout of struggles with grace and dignity.

"I watch the stars as they fall from the sky. I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying." ~ AFI

Peace

The Conductor

"Break them down, shake their beliefs. I'll show them, show them a believer." ~ AFI"

As I sit here listening to the cardinals sing to each other while the sun is setting I wonder why I have such an instinctual desire to help others. I am curious to know how many animals are altruistic in nature.

There are times when I wish I didn't care. I know that caring is a good thing, yet for some reason lately it feels to me like a weakness.

As I ponder my "happy" times I notices that I am happiest when I am helping others. Improving, changing, inspiring, and showing the 'day to day' from a new perspective. The more of these types of things happening in my daily activities, the more excited I seem to be about life.

This really stinks because most people, myself included, don't like change. Knowing this I have focused my attention on changing and growing myself - something I have been writing about extensively over the last 5 years.

Thing is, I like to share. In my excitement I tend to forget that others are not as eager to improve themselves as I am. Some, as I have written previously, don't see why anyone would changed themselves unless they had confidence issues. I see it as quite the opposite; I am confident and comfortable in my current place and like to 'push' myself outside of that comfort zone.

Sure I sometimes push myself a little too hard. Nonetheless I always find my way back. I also know that I will never stop trying to help others. Perhaps I will learn to be a bit more "selective" on where I focus my energies...awwww who am I kidding, we all know that statement is highly unlikely!

Peace

"And if they didn't drain your life I'll become your conductor. Don't cut the connection." 

Castle of Glass

"Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass. Hardly anything there for you to see." ~ Linkin Park

It is said that it is the simple things in life that bring happiness. One of the simplest things that brings happiness to my life is being outside. I love nature, even if it is only in my own backyard.

Listening to the life around me - birds, bees, squirrels. Feeling the weather - sun, rain, wind, snow. Silently appreciating the miracle of it all makes me feel peaceful and happy. I don't need to be doing anything to enjoy. It can be as simple as sitting or walking. In fact I find if I am 'doing' I am often too occupied with the task at hand to enjoy the nature around me.

Having a love of the out doors, gardening has often been suggested to me as a past time. I have tried gardening on many occasions and failed miserably every time. When I purchased my home it had a small garden with hostas and rose bushes.

Not being a gardener I was concerned for the life expectancy of the rose bushes. My father assured me that roses could not be killed. I saw this as a challenge...Over the next 2 years I did everything I could to kill those roses, aside from digging them up. Every spring they grew back and late summer the red buds all opened.

Realizing these bushes were far hardier than I had suspected I decided to test the hardiness of the plant itself. I decided to plant more rose bushes - little tea roses from the grocery store. These too grew like weeds; however, they did not grow any buds and have not flowered.

Two years later, my grocery store tea roses have buds! Add to this there are 2 brand new bushes growing over in the rock garden - somewhere they have never been planted.

Perhaps this is why I love nature so much. It is a visual reminder that despite negativity, toxic environments and obstacles one can still find success or happiness. Sometimes you need to a change in order to find that happiness. The way I see it sometimes all it takes is a small change - behavioural, mannerisms, expectations, tone of voice - to make the world of difference. This is a small price to pay for peace and happiness.

Peace

Always Something There to Remind Me

"I was born to love and I will never be free you'll always be a part of me." ~ Naked Eyes

They say you can't change the past. It seems to me that it is also difficult to forget it. How do you get someone out of your head? Sure, it's easy to forget about someone you never have any contact with. How do you manage this with someone you see on a regular basis?

One of the down sides to having an optimistic outlook is that you almost always see the good in people. Seeing or "remembering" the good is not a good thing when you would rather have no emotional attachment to someone.

For me, one of the hardest things to do is to suppress 'emotional attachment' to people. I have a tendency to care far more than I should, in other words I readily attach to people. For the most part, this is acceptable because there is no risk to me of being hurt emotionally. Once in a while I become emotionally attached to those who will only bring me harm - from an emotional perspective.

Generally, I sense when there is potential for a bad emotional attachment - you know the deal - after interaction you feel exhausted and emotionally drained. When I encounter people that have this effect on me I try to avoid contact all together, or at least limit my contact. Unfortunately, in life there are times when you cannot complete remove the person that is causing the emotional grief.

This is the situation I am currently facing. I once had a positive emotional attachment to this person, which over time became negative. For me this is a very dangerous situation because I only see the 'positive' and forget the 'negative'. Knowing all of this information does not make it any easier for me to stop attaching emotionally.

Sometimes I just want to go with it, enjoy the positive interactions for what they are - moments in time. Other times I just throw up the walls of defense and distance myself by having minimal interaction. I am not sure which path is the correct one. Either choice leaves me emotionally drained which indicates to me that the entire interaction needs to stop...which at this time is not an option. So, I struggle to find the best way to cope.

Peace

All In The Mind

I've started to figure out why I have such a hard time writing when everything is going well for me. It's because I am living in the moment. The now. I am present.

There are no thoughts swimming through my head. I am just existing. Sure there are still emotions - happiness, sadness, anger, annoyance - all of these are fleeting, like butterflies on a windy day.

Everything is symbiotic. It doesn't mean that everything is wonderful, just peaceful, and my brain is quiet. Deep inside me I know that everything will be fine. Some call it optimistic, I believe that if it is meant to be, it will be. If it's not meant to be things will change.

When things are going well I have no internal issues to resolve. They just seem to resolve themselves with little to no effort. Decisions are simple - yes or no. Focus comes readily for me. So, when you think about it, what is there to write about? How cool it is that I don't need to analyze my issues? How awesome it is to look in from the outside?

The challenge for me is about noticing and appreciating the positive feelings while they are happening, not remembering them in the past. I am great at noticing the negative/ unwanted feelings, not so great at savoring the positive/ wanted feelings. So, this is my first attempt at drawing attention to my "good" moods and appreciating the times when things are going well.

Peace

Too Shy to Scream

One of the best things about being on an emotional roller coaster is that whatever mood you are experiencing will not last long. The ups are extreme and the lows are short lived.

Along with the hills and valleys of emotions comes 'hypersensitivity'. Things that normally don't even cross my mind - like other people's perceptions - haunt me day and night. I find I am constantly thinking about how my actions and words will be perceived by those around me.

This behaviour is something completely new to me. On a whole, I rarely give a rat's ass what people think of me. And for those who know me, I tend to say what I feel without a concern of other's perceptions. So now I question the change in my behaviour.

Why all of a sudden am I so hypersensitive? Why does sarcasm bother me so much? Why is it I cannot tolerate any constant negativity? Why am I disgusted with childish behaviours? And why am I stuck in this "irritated" cycle?

Generally all of these types of behaviours cross my path on a daily basis. I acknowledge the behaviour for what it is and then I move on. For some reason I am stuck. The behaviour agitates me and I dwell on it. Now I am left to try to understand why these behaviours make me so upset.

I am certain this is just a side effect of my emotional roller coaster. It is not something I want to keep in my life. Perhaps the fact that I recognize that I am hypersensitive is an indicator that I am already moving back to a middle ground.

Peace

Torch Song

Have you ever enjoyed a song so much that you were inclined to listen to it non-stop without getting sick of hearing it? Music is so subjective and can evoke emotional responses in people. This is one of the many reasons I like music so much. There are so many pieces of a song to enjoy. The lyrics, chorus, melody, and so on.

At times you can get so wrapped up in the song that you forget everything. Life stops and you are just suspended in time, hearing the music, listening to the words. A far less enjoyable experience can happen when you get stuck on an issue.

So much time can be spent hanging in limbo. Not moving forwards or backwards. Stuck. The nagging issue plays over and over in your head. Unlike a song, there is no enjoyable melody or meaningful lyrics. Just the constant beat of frustration. You know the answer is there somewhere. You just can't hear it for all the noise. You are so caught up in the issue it is hard to see anything else.

Often the best solution is to stop. Stop analyzing. Stop worrying. Stop fearing. Stop listening to that same song. It's one of the hardest things to do. To stop everything and TRUST that things will work out alright. Oddly enough as soon as you do stop and trust in yourself the answer appears.

Sometimes the answer is that you can never overcome the issue. All you can do is live the best life you can live without it and try your best to not let the issue rule your life. Remembering that life is not about the destination, it's about the journey.

I do know that how we deal with these challenges is what defines us. I am not perfect. I sometimes run and hide from the challenges that life brings my way. I tend to get lost and lose my way. I also know that I am getting better at finding my way when I get lost. I am learning to take corrective action when things 'feel' wrong for me, even if I don't know what this issue is. I am starting to trust myself and not put as much stock in what others tell me.

"Leave me, leave me to grieve."~AFI

Peace

This Time Imperfect

"I'd show a smile but I'm too weak. I'd share with you could I only speak. Just how much this hurts me."

Emotions. Can't live with them, can't get rid of them! Right about now I wish I could rip my emotions right out of my body somehow. After only 2 weeks of putting my needs first I am seeing positive changes, which pleases me immensely.

The yang to that yin is the resistance from others in my life. This has placed me on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am full of self-esteem, the next I am ashamed. Then I am proud, until my thought process kicks in and then I feel guilty. Not to mention the elation, followed by sadness. Oh, and then there is anger all by itself yelling at me for letting all these emotions mess with my head.

I have started to describe this phase as the 'detoxing' phase. As with any type of detox program one goes through the entire gambit of emotions - with anger and frustration at the forefront. Perhaps the most unsettling episodes for me are when I am all smiles and giggles and then in a puddle of tears seconds later. It's a challenge for me to not be transparent to those around me.

Change is never easy and I certainly have high expectations for myself. I am far less patient and forgiving of my own behaviours than I would be of others. At a weak moment, I mentioned these thoughts aloud and was surprised to hear that what I saw as weakness in myself was seen as strength by others. Hearing that the things I believe to be my greatest flaws were admired by others certainly caused me to look at my situation in a different light.

While I understand that the first step of any detox program is to let the emotions happen, this is the my least favourite part. The fluctuations of emotions is exhausting. Here's to hoping this is a short phase in my transformation.

Peace

"I cannot stay here. I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I make believe. Imagine heart, I disappear, seems no one will appear here and make me real" ~ AFI

Jesus of Suburbia

Okay, so I have found the issue. I have an objective, a goal if you will. Still missing, a plan of action. Well, that is no entirely true. I have returned to doing things that made me happy in the past - blogging, walking, listening to music.

The other day I took a walk through my old survey. Walking through the neighbourhood I found it hard to believe that I once had a life there. Everything was so 'not me'. The large houses, big trucks in the driveways, wives walking around the property drinking their coffee most likely looking at the upcoming landscaping needs. As I took in all the sights there was an overwhelming feeling of 'not belonging' in this world.

I have a simpler life now where I don't feel the need to 'keep up with the Jones', which makes me happy. While I was thinking on my walk the expression "fake it 'til you make it" popped into my head. In all honestly I think that this is what has made me miserable. Being positive when I am feeling negative. Being strong when I am feeling weak. Telling family and friends that life is wonderful when I feel that it is all falling down around me.

Wow! That was melodramatic :-) (ahhhhh an emoji) Lesson for me - I don't like being fake. It doesn't work for me. It's kind of like bottling up my emotions. Having said this, I also know that I can't spew my toxicity on anyone and everyone who will listen. Which is why I believe I need the other outlets - blogging, walking, listening to music, photography...and so on.

It's now time to put myself first. Do things for me. This is the hardest thing for me. How do I stop doing for others? 

Peace

"Land of make believe. And it don't believe in me. Land of make believe and it don't believe. And I don't care!" ~ Green Day

Figure.09

If happiness is a choice, does that mean that sadness is a choice as well?

I believe that sadness is an important emotion that needs to be given attention when it appears, just like anger and fear, there is usually a reason for it.

I have not chosen to be miserable, yet I am. It has taken the better part of 6 months to figure out why I am miserable. Knowing the reason does not make getting yourself out of the darkness any easier, in fact it presents a whole new set of challenges.

The ego is a funny thing. One can learn to not take things personally, or so I am told; however, for me, when you are constantly hearing every day the things you do are wrong, well, for me it spells train wreck.

I find it interesting that I KNOW I am negative, toxic and miserable yet others around me perceive me as helpful, positive and happy. Perhaps they see the Facebook version of me...who knows.

What I do know is that I find it difficult to find anything positive in my life at the moment. I know, I am alive, I have friends and family who love me, blah, blah. That's not what I mean. Not so long ago I was happy. Truly happy. And now that happiness is gone. I get it, this is 'fixable'. The issue is, I don't know how to fix it. The worst part of losing my happiness is that I also lost my self-confidence. Or perhaps it was my loss of self-confidence that lead to my loss of happiness.

A quote from Kung Fu Panda comes to mind, "I probably sucked more today than anybody in the history of kung fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!" ~Po. This sums up every day for me. Right now everything I do is "wrong", "stupid" or "useless" both at work and at home. I have nowhere to hide or escape from the negativity. And to make matters worse, the negativity has entered my head, and it now keeps playing in an endless loop over and over again.

Perhaps the best way to manage this is to just push through it. I have been through worse and survived. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. Everyone is entitled to their 'dark' moments. Why is this bothering me so much? Because I don't feel right inside. I no longer see the opportunities and challenges, I see only frustration and locked doors. I miss rising every morning being excited for the day's adventures. Now I wake late, show up to work later and dread all that may happen throughout the day. 

"Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them. Sometimes I wonder why this is happening. It's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again" ~ Linkin Park

Peace

Long Way Home

~"I'm leaving all this crap behind. The past is gone, the future's blind. Don't care how long it takes this time. On and on I'll take the long way home."

Wow, all I can say is that looking at the first blank page of a 500 page journal book can be very overwhelming. I just keep telling myself it's like riding a bike. To which my first response is 'I can't ride a bike!'...then all of a sudden that saying makes sense to me for the first time in my life. Once you make the first few difficult peddle motions, the rest becomes natural and fluid as you work to keep peddling to not only move the bike forward but keep it upright. And here we go...

I stopped writing some time ago for a few reasons. I felt that I had nothing to 'work out' anymore. My life was moving in the right direction. I had a job I loved, a boss I loved more, fantastic new friends, I was heavily involved with volunteering in the community, and I was happy. Life was great!

I stopped analyzing everything that crossed my path. I stopped reading between the lines. I stopped hearing hidden messages in things that were said to me. I was living, as they say, 'in the now'.

So what happened? Change! I took a new job. I left the job I loved and the boss I loved more for a job where I believed I could bring huge benefits to the company. I believed with my heart and soul that I could make great changes and move the company into the future in my new role. All I could see was potential everywhere I looked.

Unfortunately as I transitioned through this change I forgot all my newly found coping techniques. I fell into my old behaviours. As a result I now feel like I am back at square one - starting all over again.

So why write? Writing helps me work things out. Once I put it down on paper its out of my brain and doesn't continue to whirl around in there for days and nights on end. 

Why blog? Simple. I KNOW I am not the only person in this vast world of 7.4 billion who has ever experienced this kind of thing. If one single person out there can relate to anything I say and feel a little less alone in this world then why wouldn't I blog?

Why start writing again now? I've been trying to write since September; however, I kept seeing my blogging again as a sign of failure. A sign that I was not able to handle change. Proof that I was not strong enough to survive life. I was not good enough. Then there were the whispers of the hidden messages, you know self-doubt. Was I ever really happy? Am I looking for pity? Am I looking for attention? Being miserable, am I looking for company?

Having recently hit rock bottom I've realized that I have to make a conscious decision to make my life better. I am choosing to do what is BEST for me. Right now writing is one of those choices. It allows me to focus. It forces me to move forward. It challenges me to forgive and forget. It permits me to be creative. So I will continue to write until it is no longer the best thing for me.

Cheers,
Peace

"If it's for me it's on the way home. I will go alone. I will go and find it on my own" ~ Offspring