Monday 31 December 2012

Carpe Diem

"If we wait until we are ready, we will be waiting for the rest of our lives" ~ Lemmony Snickets

I have stopped "waiting until" and started "acting now". I have started to realize that "waiting until" is just an excuse for me to avoid my fears.

I have a huge list of "waiting untils". When I stop and look at my list each item that is "waiting" is not being actioned because a part of me is afraid of the outcome when I action the item. Mostly I am afraid of rejection, being hurt - as there is only so much rejection a person can take on any given day - but some of the items I am afraid to action because if I succeed that will mean more CHANGES.

So what have I done about this? Well, slowly - one by one - I have started to "action" the items on my list. Rather than "wait until" I have jumped right in and "tried". Some items have met with disastrous outcomes and some have been great. Really, regardless of the end result, each time I stopped "waiting until" and "tried" I have been successful because I have had the opportunity to learn and grow.

I always learn so much from my mistakes but now I am starting to learn from my successes as well. With the new year around the corner I take stock of all the things I have accomplished this year. I recently found a list of "action" items I wanted to accomplish. This list was similar to a bucket list but on a simpler and more manageable level. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that throughout the past year I have accomplished everything on my list - without ever having looked at it!

So as the year comes to a close I will comprise another list of things that I would like to accomplish over the coming year. I will work on taking "action" instead of "waiting until" and I will try to focus on the now while doing all of this.

I believe I have traveled far enough on my journey to handle the outcome of events. There will be some failures and there will be some successes, but regardless of the outcome I will take pride in each and everything I TRY. 

Peace

Monday 24 December 2012

Snow

I always seem to make myself laugh when I liken myself to movie characters. I don't equate myself to Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston but more along the lines of the Grinch or Grumpy from Snow White. Right now the character I relate the most to is Stitch from Disney's Lilo & Stitch!

Stitch, AKA experiment 626 is created for the sole purpose of mass destruction. He is 99% bad! He is not happy unless there is mayhem and chaos! He is an abomination! Now, I am not relating to this part of Stitch (although I have been told by many that I am a very scary person) but I can relate to Stitch when he meets Lilo. After meeting Lilo, Stitch learns to love and all he really wants is to belong - basically to be part of an Ohana (a family).

I think I can relate to Stitch so much because he really does try to change and fit in with the people of Hawaii, but as he tries to change himself he only makes things worse. Lately I too have been trying to change myself to "fit in" and as a result I have only made things worse. I have been listening to the random opinion of others rather than my inner voice. Like Stitch, I just want to "belong" and be "accepted" and although I thought I did everything I was "supposed to" I only ended up making things worse. Like Stitch I was left feeling LOST AND ALONE!

It took me some time, but I did find my way. I know who I am! I am not perfect, but I am a fabulous person in so many ways. Those who don't want to take the time to get to know me or understand me honestly don't deserve a place in my life - not even a "bit part"!

The thing I am realizing is that life is too short to worry about "how" other people may or may not see me. What matters is how I treat others and how I treat myself.

I can only change so much of myself. There are core pieces of myself that cannot ever be changed. These are the traits that make me who I am. These are the qualities that make me the unique, lovable, enjoyable to be around and insane all rolled into one cute package! If I change my "core" traits I am not longer me!

I can't change who I am. I am what I am. You either want to spend time with me or you don't. I am choosing not to spend any more time or energy trying to be accepted by those who cannot accept me the way I am.

Peace

Monday 17 December 2012

Epic

If I could change just one thing about myself it wouldn't be my looks or my body type. I would choose to stop thinking. I have a mind that ANALYZES all the time. This trait allows me to do my job very well; however, this trait is not so helpful in my personal life.

A large portion of my job requires me to plan for "every possible" outcome and there must be a "solution" in place for each and every issue that may or may not happen. When you are trying to live your life in the "now" and enjoy the moment analysis is not a welcome friend. I really try not to read into things - but it is so hard to shut my brain off!

I know I have come so very far in my travels. Not so long ago when my brain would "run-off" on its own it was usually playing a negative tape - over and over again about how I was not good enough. Thankfully that tape has been destroyed but my brain still keeps on working. When I am 'unconsciously' analyzing things I am working out all the possible outcomes - both positive and negative. Oddly enough it is still the positive outcomes I fear the most.

Again, what is with me and the 'positive/ good' stuff? My fear in this case is what if the outcome is only 'perceived'? What if - because I over analyze things - I have interpreted the situation to be something it is not. What if I am reading into things or for lack of a better word - I am delusional?
I haven't cried in several months - except for tears of joy. I never did have my "planned" cry, so perhaps the tears I shed now are somehow related. All I know is that no matter how hard I try to not analyze things I can't stop.

I wish I could learn how to not 'read into' things. I wish someone could show me 'how' to turn off my brain. I wish I could find a safe, quiet place to hide from myself. I used to admire my ability to analyze, but now I see clearly all the problems it has caused me throughout my life.

I know that I have the ability to change, but there are limits to what each person is capable of changing. I am not certain that anyone can change their core genetic makeup - and I believe that "analyzing" is part of my genetic makeup!

So where does that leave me? I have gone full circle and accomplished nothing! NOT TRUE!!! When I started writing I felt horrible for my "analyzing" trait and now I have come to realized that I am what I am. A tiger cannot change its stripes - nor should he. So why should I?

No one can make you feel bad. You allow people to make you feel bad. Just because the opinion "out there" is that I analyze too much doesn't mean that I am "flawed" - it is just an opinion - nothing more.

Peace

Monday 10 December 2012

Crying Over You

Crying. Not everyone cries. Me, I am a cryer. When my emotions run too high I find that a good cry always helps. If I don't have a "planned cry" when my emotions are reaching the critical point I find the tears just start flowing and usually at a most inappropriate time.

For me crying is a way to release the 'overload' of emotions - whether the emotions are sadness, happiness, fear or frustration the end result is the same - tears. I am more prone to crying when I am tired - either physically or emotionally.

Unfortunately lack of sleep goes hand in hand for me and emotional overload! When my emotions are running "high" I tend to have insomnia as well. Again my emotions are not always bad - sometimes I am like a kid before Christmas mornings - I am SO EXCITED about something that I can't sleep!

As I write this at 3:25 on a Thursday night (or more appropriately Friday morning) I start to question my ability to hold my "MIDDLE" ground My goal was to stay in drive - not fast forward and not parked - but drive. With my return to writing have I unintentionally shifted into high gear? Am I setting myself up to crash and burn?
I am quickly learning that there is a fine line between being passionate about something and being obsessed. Where do you draw the line? This is my challenge - since I KNOW I already have a tendency to be an "all" or "nothing" type of person - "half-assed" doesn't work for me. I tend to give everything my best shot and my all and if it doesn't work out only then will I move on.

But here's my issue. What happens when it works out? No one can be expected to continue FOREVER at 100%! You are only asking for bouts of insomnia and irrational behaviour. Minor "snags" will then become major catastrophes. Bumps in the road will become insurmountable road blocks.

So how does one slow things down enough to keep the momentum going and not stall out or get a speeding ticket? Perhaps I need to invent cruise control for emotions - oh, wait they have them - won't do that again! Okay - I need to learn to do this WITHOUT medication! This is something that I am still muddling my way through. It may entail some sleepless nights. It may result in me 'crashing and burning'. Or I may actually succeed at keeping my emotions at a nice leisurely pace. Whatever the outcome I KNOW I will be fine. The difference now for me is that I KNOW what is going on with me. I UNDERSTAND why this is happenings. And I am CERTAIN I will be stronger in the end regardless of what happens in between now and then.

I know that I am not alone in the land of insomnia. Thanks to Facebook I see several family and friends suffer from this as well. So when I have my "planned" cry I will ensure that I shed some tear for you all as well! Happy tears - not sad tears - or perhaps tears of frustration!

Peace

Monday 3 December 2012

Powerless

Since June I have been walking around with a stupid grin on my face. I giggle to myself, sing aloud, and I am generally in a good mood. Sure I have my moments - we all do - but for the most part I have been happy. It took me a couple of months to identify my emotions. 

Several people told me that it would happen - but I didn't believe them. It was always the same story - "it will happen when you least expect it". They were right! WHAM! Just like that I am head over heels, completely and irrevocably in love!

Yes you read that correctly! I am in love! Let me tell you about her. She is smart, witty, so very cute, much younger looking than her 43 years and the mother of 2 lovely children. She loves photography, music, all kinds of animals, and nature. Her favourite movies are kids cartoons, she collects books like there is no tomorrow and she has a stationary obsession. She is a great big kid at heart! Now, she is not perfect - the only perfect woman is named Barbie - I believe you can find a blow up version of her in your local Stag Shop.


Let me get back to my new found love. Yes she gets angry and cranky but most of the time she sees the positive in everything. I have to admit that loving yourself is a WONDERFUL feeling. I wonder how many people truly love who they are - good, bad and ugly? It has taken me SO MANY years to get to this point, but I would not have traded it for the world!

I know that I will continue to have self doubt and some negativity but that is to be expected. I have learned to trust my instincts and listen to my inner voice. I can now clearly hear myself. There are times when my voice does get drown out by others, but I have learned how to 'silence' the negative voices!

I am no longer powerless! I know that I can handle anything life sends my way. I am not naive enough to believe that I will have no issues or struggles - I am just confident that I will figure out a way to confront my issues and find a way to resolve them.

Love is a powerful emotion and love for oneself is perhaps second only to the love for your children. It allows you to accomplish more than you could ever imagine. And there is no better investment of your time and energy than loving YOURSELF!

Peace