Tuesday 29 May 2012

Doin' the (Coo Coo) Pigeon

The other day a very good friend of mine told me that in reading my blogs they felt that I had it 'so together'. I laughed. I have been called crazy, off my rocker, nuts, out to lunch, a head case, insane, emotionally unstable, cold, withdrawn, and burrish but never 'so together'. Success!


All my hard work in changing my attitude, changing how I deal with things and changing what I will and will not accept was finally paying off. I was conveying my joy with another very good friend and this time I got laughter. WTF!


When I demanded an explanation it was simple. I have always been 'so together'. I have spent far too much time believing what a "few" people in my life have "pigeon holed" me as instead of choosing to believe what my best friends see in me.


I have based my image of myself on what a few people have told me. If I have learned one thing it is that most of the time people only give criticism and rarely give praise. So having mostly heard criticisms I have "believed" all of the things I have heard and tried to live up to these expectations.


I have to admit that now that I am seeing things clearer I rather enjoy being true to myself. Instead of 'believing' that I don't like people I can honestly say I quite enjoy people - in small groups. Instead of believing that I am cold and burrish I now recognize that I am factual and direct - so sometimes I need to stop and soften things up because not all people are as factual as me.


Another thing that I am realizing is that just because I don't stop to ask you 'how you are doing' does not make me insensitive or uncaring. In fact I am passionate to a flaw. I am often focused, driven and absorbed in my own thoughts. Sometimes I need you to 'burst' that bubble and bring me back to reality. And if you take the time to do so you will find that I am quite sincere, honest and caring.


Peace

Tuesday 22 May 2012

David Bowie

Not everyone is capable of changing. Not everyone notices when things change. No one likes change, but everything is relative. Everything is transitional. Everything is always changing.

Change is not bad or good, it just is. It is how the change is perceived that makes it positive or negative. Change elicits stress in people. Like pain - people have different stress tolerance levels. Some people can handle more stress than others, and some handle different types of stress better than others, but there is always a "breaking point" for everyone when it comes to stress.

I recently completed a stress evaluation. This was a simple test where a numeric value was assigned to various "changes" going on in your life. The average person has a stress number between 65-75. Mine was 710!

Am I tell you this so you will feel bad for me? Not at all. Again, change is not good or bad, it just is. The last 2 years of my life have been nothing but continuous change. Separation, moving, divorce, moving, losing weight, illness, going back to school, losing weight, changes at work...well you get the picture.
Each and every change in my life has brought stress. Even though most of the changes have been positive I still need to 'learn' to adjust to this new way of living. Once a change takes place life as I know it is never the same. I am now clearly understanding why my doctors have been telling me to "slow down" or to "not take on so much". Sometimes stability is the best medicine. 

Unfortunately I am an extreme person. I have 2 speeds - stop and fast forward. While I have been trying to find a nice middle ground I often find that the 'ho hum' approach to things causes me to "stall out". So again - I am trying different things - I am now keeping a schedule!

You would think that a logical, methodical person like myself would love a schedule - think again - but this time I think it is working. I can fill up all the days on the calendar with an activity, but each activity is different - so I am not 'burning' myself out with one thing. This month has been my trial run and so far so good. Stability here I come!

Peace

Tuesday 15 May 2012

Jane Doe

I have always considered myself to be an average person. A little bit quirky with a dash of the eclectic, but for the most part average.


Being an average person I often assume that if I can do it so can anyone else. There is a flaw in my logic. Just because I can do it does not mean that everyone can or that everyone wants to. In fact I am learning that all of my coping skills, my ability to look at things in a different light and my methodical thinking are actually personality traits unique to me and 10% of the female population.


As I delve deeper into my own self awareness I pause to appreciate how far I have actually traveled. I have overcome many obstacles. Conquered many fears. Wrestled with so many self doubts. Although I have cried my way through too many dark and lonely nights, I am so proud of all I have done and where I am now.


Yes, I have had help along the way, but not all obstacles can be moved on your own, sometimes it takes several people to help you see the way. Ultimately however, it was my own strength and courage that got me out of bed each day and in the end it is my decision to work on making ME a better person.
Someone told me that the true definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results". Sounds simple doesn't it - well it's not!


This is the reason I need to change. I am tired of the same results. Again, if I were not working on ME I would bitch and complain about it. Now that I am on a journey of self awareness this is no longer logical to me. Logically I have 2 choices - accept it for what it is, or change it. I don't want to accept it and I can't change anyone but me - so change I must!


I think I have been doing this for some time now, but was not "aware" that I was actually doing this. Now I understand why I am always so emotionally exhausted and so tired. So rather than trying to "blindly" change I am going to do what I do best. I am going to methodically and logically plot out my next steps. Then I am going to create a short term goal and a long term plan for myself.


Over the last 2 years I have been working on the Business Case - now it is time to start work on the project. See you at the kick-off meeting!


Peace

Tuesday 8 May 2012

What's In The "Box"?

According to ancient Greek mythology Pandora did not maliciously open the jar that released all the evils of mankind. She was simply curious.


I myself can relate to Pandora. When I began my journey a little more than 2 years ago there was a door in the distance. I always wondered what was behind the door. Or more likely, "why" it was even there and what purpose it served.


As the days and months passed I progressively moved closer to the door. One day curiosity got the better of me and I opened the door to see what was behind it. To be honest it didn't look like much at the time, but now that I try to close it, like Pandora, it is too little too late.


Fortunately for me, the door only contained a passageway to self awareness and not all the evils of mankind. But the funny thing about self awareness is that once you are "aware" there is no way to become "unaware" again. There is no "Off Switch", no "Do not pass GO", and no "Do not Disturb".


Many people have commented to me that I 'think' too much. I honestly believe my 'thinking' is now a side effect of the self awareness. But as with everything in my life I am learning how to deal with this "new" self awareness. For the most part it has been amazing. I am seeing everything with new eyes. Everything I see is brighter, everything I hear is louder, everything I smell is stronger. Simply, all my senses are amplified. The good, the bad and the ugly. So I must remember to focus on the positive and not dwell on the negative.


In addition to my heightened senses I find I have a clearer understanding of things. It's almost as if I can see the "yellow brick road". Decisions are becoming easier for me to make and I am remembering far more things than I used to. The stress in my life has not decreased, but because I am changing how I will let it affect me I find myself enjoying the things I should be enjoying.


Like Pandora opening the jar, I have to accept that now that I have self awareness things will never be as they once were. Once Pandora realized what she had done by opening the jar she quickly replaced the lid. By the time the jar was closed all that remained inside was HOPE - just like me!


Peace

Tuesday 1 May 2012

Throw Mamma From the Train

I have been slipping down the mountain. I noticed at first it was gradual, but over the last week I have lost all traction and plummeted into the pits of despair.


During this descent I began to realize that I am the only person I can count on. I am the only cheerleader. I am the only backbone. I am the only light at the end of the tunnel. No one can be these things for me - it is all up to me.


This is a scary realization which has only added to my despair. Not only do I feel all alone in this world, the realization that I am the only person I can count on has amplified my feelings of loneliness. Hope is a horrible thing because it allows me to live in denial of reality. Hope lifts your spirits and feigns the illusion of happiness until reality comes crashing in on you.
For me, as I am painfully learning, I have the power to accept or not accept things the way that they are. Most things I cannot change, but I can change how they affect me. This is where I struggle, this is my personal battle. It is so hard! I try really hard to see the good things in life, but when I am in the pits, good things are so hard to find.


I have been in the pit of despair more times than I care to admit. I know I will climb out, its just a matter of surviving and finding the strength to continue.


As I was driving my children to school they pointed out that Owen was riding his bike. I yelled out "OOOOO-WEN!" a la Throw Mamma from the Train. I started laughing so hard I was crying. Of course my kids thought their mum had just 'snapped', but truth be told I had just jumped out of the pit of despair. Just like that - all was right in my life again.


Peace