Monday 29 July 2013

Dirt Off Your Shoulder

Similar to my thoughts on change - life can be viewed the same way. We are not given a "good" life or a "bad" life - we are given life. The life we CHOOSE to live is up to each and every one of us. Every day we have the ability to choose what we do/ don't do, say/ don't say, feel/ don't feel and how we treat others. It is these CHOICES, our BEHAVIOURS that determine the "type" of life we live. It's that simple!

I am CHOOSING to live a good life. I choose to treat others with respect, even if it is not returned. I choose to be thankful for all that I have in my life. I choose to enjoy the simple things and see the positives wherever I can. Sure I often "wish" for more than I have; however, I am 100% happier with my life today than I was 5 years ago!

Am I happier because of who has come and gone from my life? Am I happier because I have more things in my life? Am I happier because I do more in my life? No, no and no! I was not able to understand "why" I was happier until I understood "why" I was so unhappy. Over the years I have learned so much about myself and during that process I discovered my "core values" - my true nature. When my core values are not being met I am unhappy internally - in my core or soul.

When I started to observe my behaviours I realized my "actions" were compromising my core values. I am often far more disrespectful to MYSELF than anyone else is! Yes, I knew this before but I never understood how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together and now it is beginning to make more sense.

Now I am CHOOSING internal happiness over instant gratification. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than to compromise my core values. I refuse to let anyone take away my internal happiness - ever.

This does not mean that I won't ever be emotional, sad, down, angry or frustrated. What this means is that I am PROUD of how hard I am working to change my behaviours in order to stand up for myself and to live my life in accordance with my core values and not against them.

Every day I am learning and growing as a person. Sure I make mistakes but I try to learn from these mistakes so I don't repeat them. Yes, I often return to my "old" behaviours, but there too I am learning. I believe that everyone has a CHOICE in life. You can choose what you do in any situation. If you feel your behaviours are not "matching" who you really are "inside" only YOU have the ability to change those behaviours. No one else can get the dirt off your shoulder!

Some times you need to walk away from people, not to make them realize how worthy you are, but rather so you can understand and acknowledge your own self worth. 

"I wanna be pushed aside so let me go. Let me take back my life I'd rather be all alone" ~ Linkin Park

Peace

Monday 22 July 2013

Peanuts

"Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly." ~ Morticia Addams

I received this inspirational quote from a high school friend and I have to say the timing was impeccable. It hasn't been easy 'sitting and living' with my overwhelming emotions and as hard as I try I sometimes start to "think". Lately I have been wondering what exactly is wrong with me - why am I not "normal"?

Through various avenues I have met many people on the same journey as me. Most of the ones I have continued to stay in touch with are all in happy, healthy relationships with some even getting married. While I am extremely happy for all my friends, I can't help but wonder...what's wrong with me? Some days I think that I was designed to mate for life - like a trumpeter swan or other birds. When their mate dies they remain on their own until they themselves die.

I know I am just different, and I cannot compare myself to anyone else because they are not me. Honey Boo Boo's mother may have a boyfriend, and not me, but I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't encourage me, challenge me or respect me.
Getting to know me is not an easy task. Those of you who do "know" me understand. Those who don't probably have a hard time believing this statement because I am so open in my blogs. Again, I choose what I write - it is all real but it is not all I am, just the tip of the iceberg.

People as a society are addicted to drama. "Real" life is boring, mundane and uneventful. I CRAVE a boring, mundane, uneventful life with a partner. Those of you who have this life live vicariously through my 'chaotic' life - and I am happy to oblige - but no matter how hard I try to enjoy my chaos all I really want is a boring, mundane, stable life.

The entertainment industry "brain washes" us into believing that "boring" is "bad". It's not a healthy relationship if there is no excitement, fireworks, or sparks. Yes, these things are nice but when you don't have respect, encouragement or support chemistry is USELESS in a relationship. Television shows, movies and novels build up the romantic tension between characters. When these characters finally come together as an item its fantastic - Prince Charming swoops in and saves the day. 

I would like to see these fantasy romantic relationships after years of marriage - heck even after 3 months! I seriously wonder how much 'spark' would be left.

Peace

Monday 15 July 2013

The Messenger

As I continue to deal with my loneliness I find my journey very similar to my original journey - the breakdown of my marriage. I take 1/2 step forward, 10 steps back. Then 1 step forward and 8 steps back and so on.

I was doing quite well and then not only did I stumble but I tried to go back to my 'old' behaviours and make a run for it! I know, I know, I know. I knew it was a mistake - but old habits die hard. It didn't last very long and now I am 100% sure that I am on the right path.

So now here I sit - knowing that I have made the right decision - but it still does not make it any easier. Having said that though, after I started 'running' I did do some back tracking and took the extra time and effort to do my best to right some negative vibes I felt I had put out into the universe. These actions were to make my soul 'feel at peace' and not for any other reason.

I am hurting. I tell you not so you will feel sorry for me or to look for comfort. I tell you because this is how I feel. So many people hide their feelings, whether it be heartache, loneliness, etc., or they neutralize their feelings using negative distractions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or sex. I don't want to fill the gaping hole in my heart with garbage - I want to heal the hole - or at least fill it with things that make me happy.



Again I come back to a familiar place. I KNOW I am not unique. I know I am not the only person out there that feels lonely or is hurting. I don't write these words looking for support, I write these words because I am STRONG! I KNOW I am strong because I CHOOSE to face the loneliness instead of running from it.

I don't have a 'plan of action' - remember I have CHOSEN to stop thinking, but I do know that I will be fine. In fact I will be more than fine and one day I will look back on this post and I will see how far I have travelled on this journey.

The key, I am learning, is to keep putting one foot in front of the other - no matter what life throws at you! It doesn't matter if you have to retrace your steps several times. If you are self aware you will eventually realize that you have been on that path before. Here's where the strength comes in...once you realize you are walking the same path you can CHOOSE to continue on the same path or you can CHOOSE a different path. And if you don't see any new paths, if you are courageous enough, you can CHOOSE to make your own path! 

I have learned that I cannot change my core values, but I can change my behaviours. Right now I am standing up for myself and creating my OWN PATH one step at a time.

"When you've suffered enough and your spirit is breaking. You're growing desperate from the fight. Remember you're loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home." ~ Linkin Park

Peace





Monday 8 July 2013

Your Decision

I rarely change anything I have written. I generally have anywhere from 4 to 8 future dated posts which are scheduled to be published each Monday...which means what you read is often one to two months behind actual events. Kind of like how the BBC programming used to be - remember watching Coronation Street Christmas episodes in June?

I have pre-empted your scheduled programming to bring you this special post. In light of my recent overwhelming flood of loneliness I have been feeling more than a little "exposed" and "vulnerable". Loneliness is an emotion that most people consider to be a sign of weakness and even fewer people will ever willing admit to feeling and here I went an announced to the universe that I was immobilized by a tsunami of loneliness.

My recent feelings of vulnerability have brought to the surface some behaviours that I have actively CHOSEN to change. You see, I am a runner. No a physical runner, but rather an emotional runner. When I feel overwhelmed, by any emotion, I retreat from the universe. I withdraw from family and friends. I shut down mentally and emotionally - the walls go up and the hounds are released.

I am like an injured animal. I run off into the woods and tend to my wounds. Once my wounds are healed I gradually and cautiously make my way out of the woods. I know that I do this because when I am emotionally overwhelmed I believe that I cannot bear feeling one more thing - I'm SICK of feeling. I fear that one more negative comment, one more dramatic event, one more angry voice and I will shatter into a billion pieces.


I know I am not unique in this respect, if animals behave in this manner why shouldn't I? I know many people would understand my behaviours and would actual condone and support these behaviours, so why would I CHOOSE to change what works for me? This is when one of my favourite quotes comes to mind "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results" ~ Albert Einstein.

Yes, running has served a purpose for me, it provides me with a safe and sheltered environment where I can think, blame myself, feel guilty and 'dwell' on the past until I get so sick and tired of myself that I finally return to the world of the living. What I have learned, now that I am using my thinking for 'good', is that if you run from something it only stays with you longer. If you face something it makes you stronger.

So, I am CHOOSING to face my 'overwhelming' emotions. This has not been an easy decision for me to make but I believe the saying - life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Even before I made the final decision to stand up for myself and face my fears I had already started taking actions to do things that "made my soul feel good".

So to help with FEELING these emotions and FACING them every time they appear I have actively started utilizing some coping skills. I am CHOOSING to see the positive in every emotion. I am CHOOSING to send positive messages into the universe (and on FB). I am CHOOSING to laugh and smile everyday. I am CHOOSING to be thankful for all that I have in my life. I am CHOOSING to ACCEPT the fact that my emotions are what makes me who I am and I am normal and so are my emotions. I am CHOOSING to forgive and accept those who do not understand the path that I have CHOSEN.

We now return you to your program already in progress...

Peace


Monday 1 July 2013

Superman

As social beings, most of us feel the need for rewarding social contact and relationships. One common definition of loneliness is that it is the feeling we get when our need for social contact is not met.

Loneliness, for me, is not about how many friends I have, but about feeling disconnected from the rest of the world. Is my loneliness a result of my personal circumstances? Is my loneliness a condition of my anxiety? Is my loneliness a side effect of the barriers I've put up to protect myself from being hurt by others?

Having performed a post mortem on my recent vampire encounter I am able to
understand the attraction - he was just as 'disconnected' from the world as me - our common bond, our weakness, our kryptonite. Again I look for answers in my comfort zone - research. It would seem that most people are extremely prone to loneliness during major life transitions. Interesting.

When I write, I choose the topics and issues I wish to scribe. I choose what I want to reveal about myself. There is so much more going on in my life other than 'dating' but I have often chosen this topic as it seems to be the one I am the least knowledgeable in and the most entertaining. For me 'dating' has been a distraction from all the other 'transitions' in my life. 

Once again life as I know it has been turned side-ways. Change - it's neither good nor bad - it's what I choose to see it as; however, it is still change and it still causes an emotional response in me.

I was very naive to assume that my loneliness was a result of not having a man in my life. Once again I have discovered I was wrong. When your 'identity' is removed/ taken without your input or consent it leaves your reeling emotionally. It creates a 'void' of 'not belonging' in the universe. It causes you to feel that 'no one understands you'. It causes loneliness.

It's easy to say 'it is what it is', 'go with it', 'your work does not define who you are', 'look for the positives' - and I agree with everyone; however, I am human - I feel, I care, I hurt - I have emotions and my emotions are real. 

I do feel a bit silly for trying to fill my 'loss' with random men but I have learned from this experience. I am also very glad that I was able to figure out 'why' I was feeling so lonely all of a sudden. The BEST part is that I have realized I am not Lex Luthor - my analysing, scheming and desire to conquer the world is not always evil but can be used for MY greater good!

Peace