I joined a group call The Happiness Project. The goal of this group is to implement small changes in our lives to make each of us happier. The concept, I later discovered, is based on a book of the same name by Gretchen Rubin.
So, you know me, my next step was to reserve the book from the library. Being 43rd on the waiting list, I figured our first group meeting would happen before I got the book, but I was wrong.
As soon as I picked up the book I started reading it skeptically. As you know, I don't always fair well with self help/inspirational books. I was surprised to learn that I had already implemented many of the concepts from the book in my daily life. Interesting!
In addition to the book I have participated in a couple of workshops this past week. Once again I was surprised to learn that I was happier than I thought I was! I also learned that many of my "coping skills" are actually true techniques to building self-esteem and a line of happiness.
Although I learned many things I did not know, it was really nice to see that I have traveled so much further than I believed I had. I am much stronger than I imagined I could ever be. And I am happier with my entire life than I would have guessed I was.
Do I still have work to do? Absolutely! Will it be easy? Of course not! I need to start setting goals in my life and start working to achieve these goals.
I'm going to keep my goals simple and continue to CHANGE my behaviour to reach my goals. This time I won't be afraid to be successful. Once I achieve my first goal, I will continue to the next one and each time I will reach a little further!
Peace
My fear of success is an ongoing project for me. This is not something that I can change overnight. Somewhere along the line, maybe since I was a child, I developed this fear. Just because I have now become aware of my fear does not mean that it will just disappear.
Having said this - knowing you have problem is really half the battle. The first step is to identify the issue. Once it has been identified you now have a choice - to accept it or to analyze and work on it. If you chose to accept it, you must be prepared to deal with the risk associated with it. I believe the risk is too high and I am choosing to work on it.
Anxiety is the fear of the unknown. A common practice for those who suffer from anxiety is to make the unknown known. This can be done in many ways but I choose research. If you are nervous about going somewhere you have never been, most of us will Google our route, removing the 'unknown' element from the equation.
So I ponder "what" I can do to decrease my anxiety regarding success. I now see I have a problem. I have many personal projects that have never been completed. Simple things like hanging pictures to more complicated things. I get within a few inches of the finish line but for some reason I can never cross it.
Once again I go back to my resolution to "try". I try a lot of different things, but I never complete them. So perhaps my resolution needs to be to "complete" - without sabotage.
In order to prevent self defeat, I am setting small attainable goals. When I achieve these goals I am going to allow myself to be proud of myself for meeting these goals rather than to 'brush it off'. Will I still be able to sabotage my efforts? Absolutely! But I resolve to "TRY" and aim for success.
Once I start to feel comfortable with my small successes - perhaps I will start a list - I will start working on 'larger' projects. I have no idea if this will help me on my way, but if I don't try I will never know. Besides, what's the worse that could happen? I could succeed!
Peace
Fear of failure. This is something that many people dread. Many are immobilized and never 'try' for fear of failure. Not me. Failure is my friend, my companion and an expected outcome.
Me, I fear success. I have a hard time excepting the fact that I did something successfully. I am uncomfortable with receiving praise or even recognition for a job well done. Which I find perplexing because I am a perfectionist. Maybe that's why I am a perfectionist - because nothing will ever be perfect, ergo I will never be successful.
I now ponder my predicament. If I am afraid of being successful, am I also afraid of being happy? The two are often 'tied' together. While I understand that society has preconceived notions of what 'success' means, generally when one is happy they are also successful in their endeavors.
When I wrote about resolutions I am sure most people assumed that my resolve "to try" would be regardless of the outcome - good, bad or ugly - but I wasn't afraid of the bad and the ugly. Often the reason I don't try is because "what if it works out"? I seldom worry about the rejection.
So why do I fear success? I am not a therapist, but I believe that it has to do with self esteem, or my lack thereof. For whatever reason - to be determined - I feel that I don't deserve to be successful and/ or happy.
But this statement is also not true, as I do know deep down inside that I DO DESERVE to be successful and happy. I am a good person and work hard for everything I have achieved.
Perhaps my issue is that I don't know 'how' to be successful and happy. Perhaps I need to LEARN how to be comfortable with being successful. Maybe I need to accept the fact that being proud is not the same as bragging. I think I need to stop focusing so much on pleasing others and just "try". What is the worst thing that could happen? I could succeed...
Peace
Does taking the 'high road' always make you a better person? Or does it just make you a chump?
When I started my journey I was wandering aimlessly through a dark forest. Afraid of monsters behind every rock and tree. I felt nothing but pain, loss and fear.
Eventually I found myself in a mire. Everything was foggy. There was no pain or any emotion for that matter. I spent a long time in the mire, shut down, closed off from everything and everyone.
Then one day I found a path. The path lead out of the fog and into the sunlight. The path emerged at the base of a mountain. I started to climb the mountain without any climbing gear. Along the way I have fallen a few times, but I have always maintained a sense of direction.
I now find myself at a cross road - uncertain of the correct path to follow. It is in my nature to see the best in people and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now I find myself questioning this behaviour - especially since it is impacting me directly.
How many chances do you give someone? My friends and family all told me that this day would eventually come, but I told them that it wouldn't because I "believed" people could change. I "hoped" that others would see the "errors" of their way and appreciate things they had in their lives. So now I am here saying it out loud - I WAS WRONG.
I now find that I need to stop "believing" that others will behave honourably. I need to start accepting that some people just don't care about anyone or anything but themselves. I need to understand that not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Having said this aloud I feel absolutely heartbroken. Another piece of my soul has been turned to lead. Have I become bitter or just a realist? Where is the line between asking to be treated respectfully and being a bitch? Am I so afraid of being seen as a bitch that I won't demand respect?
I have decided to heed the advice of friends and put my needs first. I know what is best for myself and my children. If I don't stand up for us who will?
Peace
Once again I find myself physically and emotionally exhausted. Many people have asked me about my New Year's Resolutions. I don't like to break my promises, which is why I don't make New Year's Resolutions.
For fun I started to wonder what my New Year Resolution would be if I were to make one. So I started with looking up the definition of resolution. Resolution: firm determination; firmness of purpose; a course of action; a fixed purpose.
After reading the definition I realized that I have been resolute in grieving and forgiving over the last 2 years. I am not sure that I am capable of picking another 'fixed purpose' to work with on a daily basis over the next year given that my current focus, my journey to wellness and self awareness is so emotionally and physically exhaustive.
But if pushed I think I would like to resolve to 'try' in 2012. Fear still seems to be the biggest roadblock on my journey. I realize that "trying" is not a small feat, but I do think it will help me in more ways than one.
To quote Buddha ~ "There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting". So I resolve to start by "trying" and in turn will see things through all the way, good, bad or ugly.
Wishing everyone a safe and healthy 2012.
Peace
