Bullet with Butterfly Wings

"The world is a vampire, send to drain"

Recently Child #2 had to perform a video rant for school. My first reaction was dread. Is there not enough negativity in the world? Do we really need to teach our children how to 'rant' about things in life they are not happy about? I don't know about you but as far as I am concerned I already have more than enough drama in my life - why introduce more? After watching the Child's rant video, which was about our very long cold snowy winter, I thought a rant might be just what I need. 

As you know I started to look at my own behaviours around 'dating' to ensure that I was not totally 'out to lunch' and looking for a 'unicorn'. As you are all aware I seem to find men who are so afraid of commitment that they often can't even schedule a time and place to see me in person! Having returned to the world of electronic communications I seem to 'attract' only people who wish to text or sext. When I clearly state that I want to get to know them - they say 'I thought that's what we were doing'. So I started saying that I want to get to know them in person - which they take as an invitation for casual sex.

Was I not speaking English? How could my straightforward words be so misunderstood? So, you all know I started researching. While researching I found several newspaper and magazine articles regarding the problems with dating in the new millennium. One book kept 'popping up' in several articles - Guyland by Michael Kimmel Phd - which states that rule #1 to dating today is 'you can express no fears, no doubts, no vulnerabilities'. These dating rules have created what is being call the Whoever cares less WINS dynamic.

Women are being 'taught' to remain emotionally removed from the men that they are dating (sounds like the information I too have received). This has created a environment of men and women who are on the fence about meeting and dating. Add the pitfalls of texting to the mix and you have, well my disastrous dating life. In a world of emojicons it is easier to xo without opening your arms, to :* without touching lips and to <3 without getting your heart broken.

Sure caring less brings a sense of security. By never making yourself vulnerable you never get hurt. I know I am EXHAUSTED from playing the "whoever cares less wins' game! The whole 'casual dating' thing is far more draining on my emotional faculties and my time than being in a relationship. I am not embarrassed to want to be in a relationship!

As I have said many times - it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to NOT get emotionally involved. It would appear that my 'dating' issues are that I am ahead of my time or too old fashioned. Either way, I shall continue to be true to myself. I am done playing the 'whoever cares less' game and if you want a 'date-ish' with me you can take your >:) <3 :* xo emojicons and shove them up your a$$!

"Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage" ~ The Smashing Pumpkins

Peace

Butcher's Hook

I am conflicted. I am not even sure where to begin. I know I am not perfect, ideal or the greatest thing since sliced bread. I know I am not a romantic but I am a dreamer. I consider myself to be a realist and practical - although I am also aware that I can at times be naive or have my head in the clouds.

I received a great deal of feedback from one of my recent posts stating that it is me who has an issue, not the men I meet. Perhaps this is true; however specific to my post, these were some funny situations that happened to me. Most likely these men were not "into me" and rather than saying so said/ did some ridiculous things to ensure that I did not 'return' for more. I too am guilty of doing some 'dumb ass' things on dates when I was panicked by certain situations. I am not proud of my behaviours and I have learned from them.

My conflict does not come from the feedback from my post. It comes from what "I am seeking" v.s. what I am being told/ seeing is reality. I want a relationship! I want to spend time with a man, getting to know him and he me. I want this to be 'exclusive' once things become physical. I have no desire to spend all my time with this person. I have no desire to move in or marry this person in a matter of months. I just want to have fun getting to know someone. This is what is bothering me - EVERYONE, including the men I meet, is telling me that I am being UNREALISTIC. Really? I really don't think that I am asking for too much.

I understand that this statement represents too big of a commitment for most. This is why men 'run' in the other direction. It is assumed that I am lonely, that I will suck the life out of them and leave them with no freedom, not variety, no multiple partners - DEATH! Which is why I don't go around 'advertising' this is what I am seeking; however recently I have come to the realization that I need to be true to myself - and stop wasting my time with men who simply want to 'hook up' or 'play the field' while having a 'relationship' with me.

In the past I have met a few men who were far more into commitment than I was - so I know they exist - thing is, these men scared me and I RAN away. Several times I have 'frozen' in my tracks because I was not certain of my feelings for men and I did not want to 'mislead' or 'hurt' anyone by not being able to 'deliver'. Sometimes when I examine my behaviours I wonder if it is me who is afraid of commitment.

Perhaps it is not so much that I am afraid of commitment as it is I am afraid of committing to the wrong person. 

Peace

"Go ahead and disagree. I'm giving up again." ~ Slipknot