He Who Must Not Be Named

With Halloween fast approaching I felt it would be appropriate to discuss fears. We all have them. Fear of spiders, heights, clowns, speaking in public. Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

I have a secret fear that not many people are aware of...it is called social anxiety disorder. This is the fear of what others will think of you - in my case - 'letting' others down or not living up to their expectations. In short - I am not good enough.

For the most part I go through my days with little to no impact regarding my disorder. I KNOW my job inside and out and I am confident in my abilities. At home I KNOW myself inside and out and am confident in my abilities. So, when do I have issues? When I participate in group activities - even if it is with people I know.

I know this sounds odd - and it is very strange for me because this is a new issue for me. I have never suffered from this issue prior to the breakdown of my marriage. Or perhaps I always suffered from it but because I was not self-aware I just avoided all social contact?? Either way, I have decided to write about my anxiety because like Lord Voldemort - the fear is perpetuated when you don't talk about it. When the fear is out in the open it loses its power. 

My anxiety has prevented me from doing many things. In the past these things were 'written off' as "not really important" or "I will catch the next one". In the end I got TIRED of always not doing things and sought help. One of the things I learned is that to break free from anxiety you must do the thing that makes you fearful. Right now, for me, that thing is my martial arts.

It sounds funny to say it aloud, but I am often terrified to go to my martial arts classes. On the days of my classes I start to get a stomach ache in the afternoon and by the time I get home from work I am sometimes actually sick to my stomach. But I know this is all irrational fear and I crank the tunes as I drive myself to class. Each class is different - sometimes as soon as I walk in the building I am fine and other times it takes about 15 minutes - but in the end I am ALWAYS fine!

So, why do I get so worked up? For me personally - I am afraid that I am not good enough and one day someone will say "how the heck did you even get your [whatever colour] belt - you don't belong in a black belt school!" I am afraid that I cannot meet the expectation to do 100 sit-ups or 100 push ups or 100 whatever. Is any of this rational? No! This is why it is a disorder.

For me the best medicine is to face my fears - to push myself to go and learn that even if I can't do what I believe is expected of me it doesn't mean that I am no good! As long as I have done the best that I can do I need to be happy with that. Each and every class I attend is a testament to my strength and determination to overcome this disorder and proof that I CAN do anything I set my mind to!

Peace

Chess Anyone?

Not everyone is lucky enough to do something day in and day out that they are passionate about. Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule, we call these people "the lucky ones".

That is the great thing about personal interests. If you find something that you are passionate about and have the ability/ finances/ time to pursue it - life is grand! Something I have recently become passionate about and have written about in the past is martial arts.

Some may question my passion, but I can tell you for certain that I NEVER get up at 7:00 on a Saturday for ANYTHING EXCEPT karate - not even a photo shoot will get my butt out of bed that early. Sure I look like something the cat dragged in when I show up to class, but I go and I always enjoy it.

Last month - to compliment my karate - I took up Brazilian jiu-jitsu. My sensei encouraged me, but also cautioned me that jiu-jitsu does not progress as steadily as karate. This was not an issue for me - as I am not concerned with the 'goal' in karate - but rather enjoying the journey.

After a couple of classes I quickly understood why I liked jiu-jistu so much. It is a never ending game of human chess. Each move is extremely technical, precise, and accurate. It's like solving a BIG UNSOLVABLE puzzle! Perfect for my personality type - lots of learning and the learning NEVER ends! But my enthusiasm causes me to digress.

For me jiu-jitsu is much like life. A never ending struggle to survive. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but really, if you stop trying, you lose! In jiu-jitsu it has nothing to do with your size or strength - it all has to do with your ability to continue to move, or out maneuver the other person.

On my travels I have met many people, read many books and done much introspection. The end result has been many coping skills. These skills have helped me maneuver around many obstacles in my life. Is everyone born with these skills? No, but like jiu-jitsu everyone can learn them if they take the time.

Peace

Go Left Right?

After a brief hiatus I am back in full swing! A photo crawl yesterday brought back my passion for photography and my enjoyment of my creative/ artistic side. I know, I know this all sounds very corny, but it is true.

When you stop doing something you love other things in your life start to wither and die. You can still enjoy life and be happy, but being able to do something that is a true passion to you is like a free drug. There is nothing more exhilarating than partaking in that passion.

Throughout my journey I have rediscovered old passions - like photography - and discovered new passions - like writing and martial arts. As I sit here with pencil to paper I contemplate how my 'true' passions are all connected.

Prior to yesterday the last time I went on a photo shoot was in February! Now I have taken many pictures in between, but being out with others who enjoy the art is a different experience. Over the months that passed my camera lay on the shelf collecting dust. As my camera collected dust I found my passion for writing starting to 'wither' as well.

Now I have never been a writer. As you all know this is new to me and came about as an attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone. But as I write this post I am filled with such joy and familiarity! It is like finding a long lost friend on Facebook.

And how is all this connected you might wonder....well perhaps you wouldn't wonder, but I certainly wondered. I don't really know other than going out on my photo crawl resurrected my creative juices and next thing you know I am back!

To be honest I have been thinking about taking up writing again for some time, but yesterday was the little push that I needed. I have been walking along a fence for several months now. I have been balancing my sense of self with my children's grief. I have been balancing my needs with the needs of others...it was only a matter of time before I toppled over the edge.

Actually I never really toppled, I sort of JUMPED! For what ever reason I chose the "left" side of the fence rather than the "right" side. I don't believe that either side was any better, just different, but I know that the side I jumped to was the RIGHT side...

Because the side I chose was ME!

Peace