Rock Me Amadeus

Well, what can I say? It's been one hell of a year! I have been pushing myself so much, learning so much, adjusting to so many changes and all while coping with everything. So I have spent the last few months simply basking in the glow of my hard work.

Knowing myself as well as I do, this time will come to an end, so for now I will enjoy my peacefulness. Funny thing is when I am happy I have a very hard time writing. I feel as if every idea I put on paper is silly or boastful. I start writing and never finish because there is no apparent "moral" to the story, no lesson to learn, just the ramblings of a crazy cat lady.

The other day I was listening to an '80's weekend on the radio. The DJ was talking about all the "hidden" meanings in the songs of the '80's. Most of the lyrical references I had already heard at some point in time. One thing the DJ mentioned however surprised me - that the word "rock" was often used in songs in place of the banned word "fuck". Well, after hearing that I can't help but giggle when I listen to certain songs.

Just like the "hidden" meaning in these songs, the things I write are seldom what they seem. When I write I feel vulnerable and raw - like everyone who reads my posts knows 'who' I am talking about, 'what' transpired, and 'how' I behaved in each and every situation. When in reality the majority of the time people make a 'best guess' about what I write based on what they know about me, recent stories I may have told, or they base my writing on their own experiences.

What I am learning is the "moral" or "lesson" of the story does not really matter because each person who reads my posts draws their own conclusion. Each person interprets what I write in their own personal way. I think this is fabulous!

My new challenge is to write without having any issues. To write about the happy, boring, ho-hum, everyday peaceful things in my life that make me smile.

"One day soon I'll make him mine. Then I'll have candy all the time." ~ Bow Wow Wow

Peace

Solitary Man

For months I have had nothing to say, nothing to write and no stories to tell. It's the first day of a new year and my brain is so overwhelmed with 'chatter' that I don't even know where to start. 

A brand new year was not the trigger for these thoughts, it was an evening spent with old friends. My friends are GREAT and I LOVE them all dearly but for some reason this year's festivities felt different to me. It's hard to describe because I really had a lot of fun laughing, listening to everyone's stories and just spending time with my friends, but I left feeling empty and hollow inside. Like the entire evening was superficial like Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Special.

So my reason for writing this is not to get my friends upset, rather share my feelings of not belonging. I have come to understand that my blogging is a form of self-care, a way of unloading some of the pain that I am carrying - which is important when I am hurting - it is my way of reaching out. See, I have learned a lot and I have also learned to not feel guilty about sharing my feelings.

I have tried making friends with single people but I am often too 'vanilla' for these people. Oh the stories I could tell you about the places I have been...it would make for some competition for 50 Shades, let me tell you. While these adventures make for some great story telling, they are NOT for me. I admit it. I WANT vanilla! I like vanilla and I don't see any problem with wanting to be or being vanilla.

The world however has this perception that vanilla is boring. With all the 1000s of other flavours out there why would anyone pick boring vanilla? You see I like vanilla because it goes with anything. Not only that you can have it plain or you can put TONS of toppings on it - there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL with vanilla - whereas the other flavours, well they are specific flavours.

I guess what this all boils down to is that it has been 4 years now and I am still single. Not only am I still single but odds are now that I will remain single - which absolutely breaks my heart because I KNOW that I was not designed to be alone forever. So what does this have to do with my New Year's Eve? I think I am so upset because I feel like a failure, a disappointment, a loser - all because I am single.

Yes you read that right. Me; the intelligent, attractive, strong person you know me to be just said that. You see, I cannot compete in a society where everyone is so easily disposable and replaceable with the click of a button. With all the many flavours of ice cream to try - vanilla will ALWAYS be the LAST choice - and I am no one's LAST choice! But I am what I am, which is why I stopped dating months ago.

Logically I know that being single does not make one a failure, a disappointment or a loser. It is difficult to never have a negative thought enter your mind - especially when you meet with your married friends year after year and each time you are still single...on the plus side; this has gotten me writing again.

Peace

"Don't know that I will but until I can find me the girl man who'll stay and won't play games behind me. I'll be what I am. A solitary [wo]man, solitary [wo]man." ~ Neil Diamond

Another One Bites the Dust

Yet another year has come and gone. Time to take stock of our accomplishments and failures. Did you know that New Year's Resolutions are not a part of a belief system?

My kids asked me what my New Year's Resolution was, and I said 'I don't believe in making resolutions'. I then got a lecture on how resolutions are not like Santa - you don't believe in them or not. What I probably should have said was 'I don't believe that resolutions should only be made on New Year's Day'.

I believe that self improvement is an ongoing process that should not be defined by the first day of a new year only to be forgotten by the 14th day. The beautiful thing about life is that we are given EVERY day as a 'do over'. That gives each person the opportunity to resolve to do something different each and every day that they wake up breathing.

My kids understood what I was saying, adults, not so much. They have a hard time understanding why I constantly 'believe' that I have to change who I am. They want to know 'why' I can't be happy with who I am the way I am. Interesting question. Difficult to answer because I am happy with who I am.

Here's the thing though, a really BIG part of me is an internal drive to continuously learn. I can be learning anything, facts, figures, science, or math; to me it makes no difference as long as I find it interesting. Right now I am very interested in learning about me. I want to learn more coping skills - yoga, meditation. I want to learn why I do what I do - personality types. I want to learn how to face my fears - cognitive behaviour therapy.

Why do people play team sports? Fish? Knit? Partake in any hobby? Is it because they don't like who they are? I enjoy my hobbies because they are fun, occupy my time and allow me to get out of the 'day to day' rut we call life - if it wasn't all these things it would be a chore and not a hobby. As strange as it sounds - personal growth is my newest hobby. I shall enjoy my new hobby until another one draws my focus and attention.

Peace

Wishing everyone a healthy and prosperous 2014!