Goody Two Shoes

Okay so I won't bore you with all the fun stuff I have been doing. My co-workers have to suffer enough - some days they require a flow chart just to keep track of things. With my recent 'rediscovery' of my "WHO CARES" attitude I have been doing many things I either haven't done in years or have never done.

You might think - yeah so? The thing is - despite my common adjectives of crazy, insane, or certifiable - I am actually more of a 'goody two shoes'. Don't drink, don't smoke - what do you do? I was recently invited to the drive-in...on a WORK night! A double feature that would keep me out WAY past midnight (you know I turn into a pumpkin at 10). Nonetheless my "who cares" attitude said "why not"!

When I originally agreed to go to the movies it was because a movie I really wanted to see was playing - Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters - and the other movie was GI Joe. However, come show time Hansel & Gretel had been replaced by Olympus has Fallen. 

Oh well, I was not about to let a little thing like that get me down. I am sure you are all scratching your heads wondering 'what the heck' is so much fun about this...see, I am NOT a movie buff. I enjoy going to see movies but there are very few movies that I HAVE to see. To be honest there are not many movies that I have seen nor do I have an interest in seeing. Add to the cost of seeing movies in the theatre, the whole CGI, IMAX and Dolby sound is completely lost on me. I am just as happy watching a movie on my television as I am in the theatre. Oh and one last thing - that the majority of my movie going friends will not tolerate - I like to talk during movies especially if they are silly.

So as the first movie started I made a few comments and was pleasantly surprised to find my cohort was willing to banter with me. By the time the second movie started we were discussing how we could get our hands on the gravity defying bullets. We pondered why the Joes were wearing green camouflage when they were in the 'brown' desert. What was it with the North Koreans? And most importantly why GI Jane had so much cleavage showing when she was supposed to be blending into the surroundings - although her skin tone did match the sand in the desert!

Between the movies my partner in crime and I got great delight in shining the headlights into the backseat of the car in front of us. A young couple was getting 'busy' back there. It was one of those rare moments where I was glad to be a 'mature' adult. I am sure they were more than pissed with me.

It was so much fun to be out, breaking all the rules. We sang the 'snack bar' song. We were loud and laughing throughout both movies but never got 'shhhhhhhhhhhhhed' once! The only thing we didn't do was play on the swings...maybe next time. Oh and Ms Goody Two Shoes wore two different shoes by mistake!

Peace

Enough

It never fails! As soon as I throw in the towel and "stop" dating I have more coffee requests than I have days of the week. I have been trying the "multiple" meeting people thing and it has been DISASTROUS! Four coffee meet ups in two days - managed to mess up the names, ages and occupations. How disrespectful! So as with everything in life - I have learned from my mistakes - but I do have to say it was kind of funny considering I am always a detail oriented person...

I am still meeting 'multiple' people but I am not trying to "cram" these meetings into one weekend. If someone really is interested in getting to know me then they will also have to be willing to wait and take their time. This approach has been far more successful for me and I am glad to say that I am FINALLY having a GREAT TIME!

Having created a better 'screening' process I have started to encounter a different type of concern from the men I meet. Things are going well. We go out a several times over a couple of weeks and then we get to the topic that inevitably ends in "you are really great but..." The "but" in this case is that I have not been in enough relationships.

I feel like I did when I was looking for my first job. "We are sorry Miss but we can't hire you because you have no experience". "But sir, if no one will hire me how am I supposed to get experience?". "Well Miss, you could always volunteer". Ummmm yeah, NO!

So I sit here wondering - How many men must I have kissed to be "dateable"? How many men must I have slept with to be "dateable"? How many times must my heart have been broken to be "dateable"? Because I married my high school sweetheart does that automatically make me damaged goods?

~"When your [hopes] have died. And there's no more pride. When your soul is frozen. Is then enough? When your heart is broken a thousand times. With every moment. Is then enough?" ~Disturbed

Peace

Thick as a Brick

In project management there is a technique that is used to obtain business requirements. It is called the iterative approach. Basically you keep asking the same questions over and over, different ways, until you get the 'true' need/ requirement. When I take the time to re-read my posts I notice that there are several posts that utilize this technique. I have now recognized that this is how I work through my issues.

Now, this may sound frustrating, but it works for me. I may not always 'get' something the first time. Or perhaps I 'get it' but I don't understand the reason behind it (the behaviour or the emotion) so I go 'round and round' trying to determine the root cause so I can change the behaviour or identify the emotion. Now that I am understanding my 'thinking' I am CHOOSING to use it for the greater good instead of evil!

My recent withdrawal from family and friends allowed me to perform some iterative introspection into my behaviours in relationships. It would seem that I had reverted to my 'old' behaviours, thinking patterns and loss of self. Fortunately I trusted my instincts and my gut. Then I used my thinking to analyse the situation and determine "why" my gut was telling me things were wrong. This technique allowed me to identify the issue before any serious damage was caused to my progress.

The issue seems so simple now, I compromised my needs. I mistakenly believed my happiness was the result of a person in my life. When that person left my life - so too did my happiness - or so I thought. The thing is, I was happy BEFORE I met this person. So why couldn't I be happy AFTER this person?

Silly eh? You see, sometimes I have to be hit in the head a few times before I 'get it'. The truth is I OWN my happiness - no one can ever take it away! My happiness comes from inside of me and it radiates out to the world. Sure, there are people around me who make my happiness 'glow' stronger and others who 'dull' my light but ultimately that happiness light is MINE!

Yes, I messed up big time but I am learning. I now understand why I won't settle for just any relationship - I would rather be on my own than to give up who I really am.

Peace

It Doesn't Really Matter

Chris - December 1984

My very first blog post referenced that I used to be a Platinum Blonde groupie. Well it would seem that as I have said many times - everything happens for a reason. Some 30 years after the FIRST time I saw Platinum Blonde in concert they returned to the same location.

How could I not go? And to be fortunate enough to return to the same venue with the same wonderful ladies - what are the odds? I must admit that despite the whole nostalgia thing I did have my reservations. It's been almost 30 years and over those years my musical tastes have changed drastically! I wasn't even able to 'revisit' their songs as I only have the albums on vinyl.

Serge - December 1984

Apart from my concern over the music there was the band members themselves. I pulled out my scrapbook of pictures from 1984 and thought to myself "Good gravy! What was I thinking back then??!!" I could only imagine how they might look now - ugh! Add to the equation the whole 'silliness' factor. It's not like Platinum Blonde were big like The Who or The Stones. They had a select following of very dedicated fans, I will admit to being one. What would the audience be like? With my recent "rejection" exercises I was a bit tired of being called various names...

The venue was very intimate and when the band came on stage it was clear that they had not changed one single bit! Serge had blond spiked hair, either well preserved from all the chemicals in the '80s or a wig. Mark looked far more feminine than I could ever hope to pull off. Absent from the venue was my personal fave - Chris, but as luck would have it apparently I have a thing for drummers and not Chris per se - as Daniel quickly became my 'new' fave!

Mark - February 2013

The first half of the concert I must admit I was not much of a good sport. I patiently sat and listened to their new songs. I complained when I 'needed' to stand for their hits. The band then took a short intermission for costume changes - and I am sure to catch their breath - and after that it all changed for me!

Cinderella Story (my FAVOURITE PB song) was playing as the band returned to the stage following their intermission and suddenly the Situation was Critical! There was a very heartfelt dedication to Kenny MacLean in which Mark stated that he knew how to live life - you enjoy it until you draw your last breath. It was at this moment that I got it!

The whole evening was not about trying to 'recapture' a moment in time - it was about doing something that I love with people that I love and believing in something. It was about having the courage to NOT CARE what anyone thinks of me and just being happy being me!

I used to be like this - but over the years a part of me got locked away in a closet. It doesn't really matter to me how this happened but what does matter is that this part of me is now BREAKING DOWN THE DOOR!

Mark & Serge - February 2013

Just like that - Chrystine was back - jumping up and down, singing so loudly, yelling and screaming LIVING in the MOMENT, enjoying it and not caring what anyone thought of me! This wasn't the best musical performance I have seen, but it was by far the BEST concert I have been to in a LONG time.

Peace

Fallout

Everyone has problems. Everyone has emotions. Everyone has fears. Everyone deals differently with things. Some people live in denial. Some people carry a lot of anger. Some people take all the blame for things. Some people avoid. Some people thrive on trouble and look for it.

Through all my recent work in confronting my anxiety I have learned more than a few things. First and foremost I need to listen to myself. It's alright to ask for a second opinion, but it must be just that - a second opinion. If I am unsure about something I need to figure out things first before getting someone else's opinion. Right now I am too easily influenced by the opinion of others and following someone else's advice has caused me to get into uncomfortable situations which in turn ended up causing me a lot of anxiety.

Secondly, regardless of what I continue to verbalize - you can never have too many friends. Building relationships needs to be my main priority right now. I need to learn to allow others to get to know me. I need to learn to stop putting up "walls" of protection.

I have to be mindful that in order to build successful friendships I will need to learn to listen to my inner voice. I will need to decide what works for me - what I am willing to accept and what I want. Most importantly I will need to figure out the difference between avoidance and loss of self. If I am avoiding - I will need to continue in the relationship. If I am giving up myself (my values) I will need to have the strength to walk away. Ultimately I need to always do what is best for me.

It's funny how the things I miss now are things I NEVER had in my marriage. I miss intellectual conversation. Not talk about stock markets or politics, just conversation that makes me think. I miss affection. I notice I hug my friends more frequently than I used to. There is something about human contact in a non-sexual way that I find I need now. I miss companionship. It's really nice to know that someone is there for you should you need a shoulder to cry on, or better yet being there for someone who needs a shoulder to cry on.

As I sit here in the smoke of the bridges I have burned I am making every attempt to rebuild the friendships I have sabotaged over the last couple of months. Some people have been very supportive and accepting of me and my actions and others, not so much.

I don't know what will happen and all I can do is try, but this decision to try to rebuild feels right to me - despite what many others have told me. I have said many times that I need to make friends but now I believe I have the knowledge to make this idea a reality.

Peace