Okay, 3 mediocre dates, about 25 email rejections (I lost count after 20), and 1 dude forgot he had a date with me (WTF!) and I am beyond ready to throw in the towel! I am NOT cut out for this! It has been only 2 weeks and I am tired of it all!
For the first time ever I have made a decision to put my needs before those of others. Putting my needs first meant walking away from a situation that made me very happy and in turn disappointed someone who means a lot to me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am miserable and crying all the time. So seeking solace in my usual comforts I bought myself a book ~It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.
I like the book for many reasons. It makes me laugh, all the stories are true, and I can relate to many of the feelings which makes me realize I am not alone. Most of the stories are absolutely insane - which makes me feel proud of how well I am handling things. Although I must admit I have thought about doing some of the things in the book! Best of all the approaches in the book mirror my anxiety treatment.
In the book Greg Behrendt mentions that the best way to deal with a break up is to confront the pain. I know I am not dealing with break ups per say, but I can apply the concept to my feelings of rejection and hurt. Anyway, I digress, the book refers to pain like winning the lottery. When you win the lottery you have 2 options on how you want your payment - you can take a daily prize for the rest of your life or you can take it all in one lump sum and invest it how you see fit.
I am choosing to take the pain in one lump sum! This means that I need to remove myself from situations that allow me to continue destructive behaviours. Now that I have removed myself from the situation I can deal with the heart crushing pain.
Throughout my journey I believe that I have always done the right thing by taking the high road but whenever I did these things they were usually for someone else. Now that I am doing the 'right thing' for myself I question my decision. I feel guilty for letting down a good friend and not being good enough or strong enough for them.
Now is the time I need to remind myself that I realized I was in too deep and I recognized it was not healthy for me and I took the opportunity to get some perspective and reassess the situation. I am proud of how intuitive I have become and I am realizing that regardless of how painful and difficult this decision was for me to make it was the best decision for me at this time.
Peace
Attending a weekly anxiety workshop has been great for me. Not only do I get to learn but I get to experiment and confront my fears. My latest assignment was to write about my worst fear. "No problem" I thought I have already done that - I was wrong.
After I read my 'meeting the ex and the new Mrs' worst fear scenario to the group their task was to find the root cause of my fear. As the group discussed my scenario I started to become uncomfortable. It was determined that my fear had nothing to do with my ex but rather I was afraid of being rejected - not being good enough, not being loveable, not being desired.
So naturally my first response to this was DENIAL! "But I have already been rejected by my ex so what am I afraid of now?! Huh? Huh?!" Unfortunately the group had far more insight than I myself possess and all too quickly answered "Being rejected again". What can I say - the truth hurts - and sometimes it hurts bad!
I have learned many ways to 'protect' myself from being rejected in relationships. I "push" people away in many ways - the most common one by acting insane. I don't "share" much of myself - just the facts jack. I adopt an "icy" demeanour. I keep everything direct, impersonal and businesslike all in an attempt to distance myself. Probably worst of all I tell myself that I don't care about what others think when nothing could be further from the truth. Ultimately I am finding the more I try to protect myself the more I seem to get hurt.
The rest of my assignment - should I choose to accept it - is to confront my fear. So how does one go about confronting this fear - the plan is to be rejected. Not just rejected but rejected by 100 men by the end of the month! The original plan was for me to go to a mall or the airport and start asking men to have coffee with me. Now that was WAY TOO FAR out of my comfort zone!
So we agreed that I will go online and contact men who are "way out of my league" and ask them to meet for coffee. Not an ideal solution but a bit better and less aggressive. There are rules - I am not allowed to delete my rejection emails - those have to come back to class. Once I no longer have emotional reactions to rejection emails I have to 'up the stakes' to face to face rejections. Oh and no answers do not count as a rejection.
I am not so sure how this will play out. I have already sent out 10 emails resulting in 1 rejection, 2 replies and 7 no answers. In reading this you may think that I am making light of my experiment but rest assured I am most anxious but if I know anything about myself it's that I am stubborn beyond belief and I will not let my anxiety get the better of me.
Peace
Bullshit! I have had this word said to me so many times this month. Oddly enough it has been from people who don't even know me. These people, after meeting me, have felt the need to express their disbelief that I am shy, introverted, and suffer from anxiety.
Does this mean that I have been misdiagnosed? No. Perhaps a better question would be 'why am I sharing my anxiety disorder with strangers?' Well, as you know I have become tired of letting my anxiety run my life and I have started a confrontational approach to dealing with it. For me this means that I try to confront one of my fears each day.
For a few months now I have been going out and meeting new people - facing one of my fears. Because I have been doing this for a while now - meeting new people has become much easier for me and is gradually creating less anxiety for me.
In addition to tackling my disorder head on I have joined an anxiety workshop. Many people in this group have a hard time believing that I suffer from anxiety at all. What these people don't know is all the hard work I have done over the last couple of years in an attempt to cope with my anxiety.
I would like to overcome my anxiety; however, the first thing I learned in my workshop is that there is no cure for anxiety. Like diabetes, anxiety can only be treated. It would appear that I am genetically hard wired to think and worry - which in turn causes anxiety. Which means, like it or not, I need to learn to cope.
Now I have no intention of letting my genetic make-up get the better of me. I am fully aware that I think too much, which in turn causes me to worry. So I am going to use my 'thinking' and love of learning to my advantage! I intend to learn how to cope and minimize my thinking and in turn reduce my anxiety.
Everyone has anxiety. My issue is my anxiety is either disproportionate to the situation or irrational - and sometimes both. Some time ago I pondered "why" I have such a difficult time dealing with the breakdown of my marriage over the weekends. My thinking back then was that I was upset because weekends were always "family" time.
I am beginning to understand that I am not "pining" for my old family life on my weekends. Rather the contrary is happening - on the weekends my brain is unoccupied - which allows me to think - which in turn allows me to worry - and the end result is anxiety. During the week I have work, martial arts and the kid's activities to occupy my time and my mind. On the weekends my brain is free to wander - a very dangerous activity for me!
Instead of becoming busy beyond belief I now understand that I need to learn to CONTROL my thinking - which is the purpose of my workshop. I am SO EXCITED for this opportunity and I eagerly await my next workshop.
Peace
The other day I mentioned to someone that it was time to get back into the dating scene. They innocently asked "Is that what you want to do? It sounds like you are dreading it." They were right - I am dreading it!
So why am I doing it? For the record I have not done anything yet - which perhaps goes to the saying 'actions speak louder than words'. Here's the thing - I am happy right now. No, correction, I am very happy with my life right now!
What's that you say? You are absolutely correct! The BEST time to start dating is when you are happy. When I am not happy with my life I know I come off as 'desperate' and then I raise all kinds of 'red flags'. So why have I not done anything yet? Well - for the most part it's because of my dear friend "FEAR".
I am afraid of the heaps of rejections, the same faces from 2 years ago and the endless comments of "don't contact me unless you are 5'8", blonde and athletic". Really? And yes, I went online the other day and 5 of the 10 profiles I read said this - I kid you not!
Which makes me wonder what ever happened to "looking for a nice girl to spend time with"? Although I am very happy with my life right now I would appreciate having someone to share it with. Someone who can laugh at my quirkiness and bad jokes. Someone to just hang out and "chill" with.
I have been told by many people (male and female) that my problem is that I am too picky. I really don't believe I am. I don't go around looking for a specific "type" (although I know I have one). I don't choose based on "how much" a man makes. I don't go for a man who "buys" me things over one who doesn't. A non-smoker with teeth and a job is all I ask for - is that really picky?
I have heard the "cup" analogy from several different people over the last year. The cup analogy is simply - in any relationship think of each person as a cup of water. In a healthy relationship both cups are full of water and the water is shared between the 2 cups when one starts to get low. In an unhealthy relationship one cup is always filling up the other cup.
I would like to put my own spin on this analogy. I am a full cup of hot chocolate (yes read between the lines - hot, sweet, nice and comforting). I am GREAT on my own - but I would be even better with whipped cream. But you know what - for me it doesn't HAVE to be whipped cream, it could be sprinkles, Bailey's, a peppermint stick or whipped cream AND a cherry on top! The possibilities are endless!
I guess the point I am trying to make is if I were only looking for whipped cream then you could say I was too picky. I believe if you are only looking for whipped cream you are bound to be disappointed - especially if you are a pint of beer - because if you ever find some whipped cream I am pretty sure it does not go well with beer!
Peace
