I Lost My Shoe

So, it turns out I am not broken. After trips to my doctor, a 'specialist' and my therapist the end result is I am NORMAL! Me? Normal? Huh? Who would have thought.

In fact - it would seem that I am even better than normal. I have been using my coping skills with expertise and the fact that I went to seek assistance when I wasn't sure what was going on with me was a sign of 'having it all together' not a sign of weakness.

As for "why" I have been off lately? Well the obvious reason is fairly straight forward. The 'Last of my Firsts' trip to the cottage rattled my emotional state more than I would like to admit, but this did not explain the knots in my stomach - or as the professionals like to call it - anxiety.

I have been feeling anxious lately. It has been worrying me - hence the visits to the professionals and my lack of writing. After 4 visits with various medical professionals I learned something new - apparently anxiety is not always a bad thing. It was clear to these medical professionals (and I am certain somewhat funny to them) that my recent anxiety was a result of positive changes happening in my life.

Hmmm...happiness and excitement - two emotions that have been out of my life for some time now. No wonder I didn't recognize them. The anxiety I have been feeling is simply a side effect of making so many changes all at once - going back to school, dating, joining new social groups, taking up new activities/hobbies, and my rapidly changing body weight. Add to the mix my lack of sleep and ongoing journey of grief, forgiveness and healing and well - knots in my stomach.

The solution - keep doing what I am doing but a little bit slower and not so much. Apparently the best thing for anxiety is to face it head on - which I have been doing by 'stepping out of my comfort zone'. I have just gone a little bit overboard and need to stop taking on so many changes at once.

Like all vehicles I have several gears but recently I have only been using 'park' and 'reverse'. I have been so worried about being stuck in 'reverse' that I never noticed I had slipped into 'overdrive'. So my focus this month is to shift into 'drive' without striping the gears and spend some time enjoying the "NOW".

Peace

So My Doctor Sez to Me...

As I have mentioned several times in my posts by the time you read my thoughts I have made some progress at working through my issue. I have usually identified the emotion, done a root cause analysis and am working on a post mortem - which is what you are usually reading.

The last 2 weeks have been different. I have been broken. I don't know how else to put it. Until today I have not even known where to begin writing because I was unable to identify the emotion, the root cause and never mind the issue. I was tired (and I still am but its getting better). Emotionally exhausted. Just plain tired of thinking, tired of analyzing, tired of coping, tired of hurting, tired of monitoring, just TIRED!

I started to think that I fell down the rabbit hole without noticing - so I went to the doctor expecting to leave with medication for a bout of depression. After an hour of asking me many questions his conclusion was that I am not suffering from depression. There are 2 avenues that he wants to explore, but he was confident that it is the first one. One - sleep depravation. Two - general anxiety disorder. The second one is to be determined by a 'specialist' later this week.

The doctor went on to explain to me that there is a reason sleep depravation is uses as a means of torture. Lack of sleep messes with the chemical balance of the brain making you irate, irrational and depressed. For the sleep depravation I was prescribed a small supply of sleeping pills. Although I try to stay away from any and all medication I was at the point where I was willing to try anything.

I wasn't expecting miracles but I have to say I did notice a big difference the next morning. Not in my emotional state, but in regards to my motivational state. I was up early and on a cleaning kick. Everyday this week I have been cleaning - not the vaccuuming/dusting type of cleaning - the rearrange and purge cleaning.

After 5 days of a 'good night sleep' and some major purging it dawned on me. My cleaning spree is a result of my wanting to move out of the past. When I moved to my new house it was too painful at the time to weed through all the memorabilia and decide what should stay and what should go, so it all came with me. I now see that there is something to be said for having a clean slate.

When we separated I took most of the household items because my ex-husband wanted nothing. At the time I figured it would save me a lot of money. Now I have reached the point where I want a clean slate. I want to get rid of all the things we owned as a married couple. I want to move out of the PAST and into the NOW. Realistically I can't afford a "clean slate", but I can make minor changes - like new sheets, giving things to charity and perhaps in the near future a much needed sofa set (even if it is used). 

So, like my emotional well being, my physical existence will have to move forward gradually in baby steps - one household item at a time. As the summer draws to a close I am excited to start some interior work on my house - like painting!

Peace

So I Sez to My Doctor

Clinical depression is an illness that I take very seriously. I have been treated twice in my lifetime for clinical depression. My treatment involved both medication (for the chemical imbalance) and therapy (for the emotional imbalance). I am writing about this because someone was concerned about my well being and was kind enough to write to me about it. I truly appreciate and admire those who are able to speak out regarding their concerns for someone else. Thank you!

Your concern about me suffering from clinical depression is always on at the forefront of my mind. Throughout my entire journey I have been in therapy. For a brief time I was prescribed and anti-anxiety/anti-depressant, but at no time has my therapist or family doctor expresses a concern regarding depression.

I on the other hand, having suffered from it, am always concerned about depression creeping back into my body and sucking the life out of me. I meticulously track how many "down days" I have and record all of the factors that may have contributed to my depressed state. If I can't get myself out of my depressed state using the coping skills I have learned through therapy - I begin my "call a lifeline (friend)" for guidance and grounding.

I often question if I am suffering from full blown depression or if I am simply in a depressed state. For those of us who have been diagnosed with clinical depression this is a blurry line. There is no clear defining "AHA!" moment that indicates you have fallen too far down the rabbit hole. So I try to gauge my over all happiness with my overall sadness.

Truth is I am happy more than I am sad. My readers may not see this because in all honsety - the world loves a tragedy. The other reason is that I write to work through my person issues. All of the things I write about are things that hurt me, anger me, or scare the crap out of me. As I write and learn how to deal with these emotions and issues it can be very overwhelming and as a result my posts can be very dark and depressing.

My feelings and words in these posts are most definately real, as is the sorrow and the heartache I feel when I write them, but I have not yet had a day when I did not feel so much better after publishing these posts. Like talking to my therapist - writing my feelings out makes me feel better and sharing my feelings makes me feel less alone.

Rest assured when I see my therapist next week I will definately ask if there is a concern that I am suffering from clinical depression and I will take any medication my doctor prescribes should the answer be "yes". In closing - I do not take your comments lightly nor do I intend to make light of depression - it is a very serious disease that is entirely treatable and for those who suffer from it without proper medication and counselling it can be debilitating. Okay I will now get off my soap box and start my day.

Peace

Baggage Check Please

Everyone who has had a relationship has emotional baggage. If they say they don't - they are lying. The men that I have encountered through my dating travels have fallen into 2 categories - hoarders or magicians.
*I am certain that women fall into these categories as well, but I have not dated any women...yet. 

The 'magicians' are the ones who make their baggage invisible. They hide their baggage, misplace their baggage or possbily can't even see that they have baggage. Because they are in denial regarding their own baggage they are often quick to blame you for having too much baggage or not handling your baggage properly - like they do - you should make it disapper and pretend that it doesn't even exist.

The 'hoarders' are the ones who not only have their baggage strewn all over the place, everything inside each and every suitcase is all over the place. When talking with these people you need to move carefully because you never know when you are going to trip over their baggage or dumped contents. From my experience the 'hoarders' just want to dump their baggage all over you.

One of the "first date rules" is to NEVER talk about your ex - but like most dating rules - this one always broken. Inevitably I am always asked how long I have been divorced, how many dates I have been on, why my marriage broke down, how do I know I am ready to date. This line of questioning usually signals the end of the date. As I answer the questions honestly - the person in front of me will turn into a 'magician' or a 'hoarder' - and neither has a very positive ending.

So, on my recent date, as the question came out of his mouth I could feel the blood draining from my body. The date was going so well and the beginning of the end was about to commence. I took a deep breath and began my story. He asked a few questions and then he told his story. As we both relayed our experiences to each other, the conversation remained positive and optimistic. Something different was happening.

We both unpacked our baggage, laid out the contents, compared items, analyzed everything and then we both packed it all back up into our respective suitcases and stored them in the garage. Absolutely amazing! I had found a 3rd category. Something I like to call the 'traveller'. As I have mentioned in other posts -what you learn from your experiences is what makes you a better person. I am learning that there people who know how to handle their baggage.

Peace

You're Grounded!

Dating with kids who are old enough to understand what dating is all about makes for some interesting conversations. It's hard enough to manage my own expectations when it comes to dating, never mind those of my kids.

The one thing that I have quickly noticed is that the roles have become reversed. I am asking the kids for permission to go out for coffee. They agree, but put a 9 o'clock curfew in place. So off I go with my new found freedom to meet a guy for coffee. I think to myself "9:00 no problem, I'll probably be home by 7". None of my dates have ever lead to a second date, so I wasn't holding out too much hope.

Long story short - I missed my curfew. As I was climbing in through my bedroom window at 10:00 I could hear the kids yelling at me - man were the kids PISSED! Well, not really, but they were not very pleased with my behaviour. After a talk about the situation and some grovelling on my part we kissed and made up.

The next day, I had a pleasant surprise. I got asked out on a second date! That night nonetheless. The same gentleman wanted to see me 2 nights in a row. Unfortunately I had to decline. My children come first. But I still wanted to talk to this gentleman again, so I picked up the phone and gave him a call - I made sure 'the kid' was in the shower before starting the conversation, but we did manage to talk for a bit.

As I write this post with a silly teenage grin on my face I wonder how good I will be at walking a tight rope. The tight rope I am referring to is the fine line between putting 'me' first and 'never putting any man before my children'. I am fully aware that I need to have "my time" and "their time" and it has to be a give and take.

Just as I thought I had it all under control yet another bend in the path. But just like all the other paths I have travelled throughout my journey I will take it one step at a time.

Peace

Dude, You're Fugly

Online dating is not for the faint of heart. It takes a thick skin and the ability to take nothing personal. In addition to this you need to learn to expect the same thing over and over again.

Rather than being rejected face to face by one man you are rejected by hundreds of men on a daily basis just by the nature of online sites. Now that I am testing the waters of online dating again the first thing I notice is that all the men are the same ones from a year ago. The same profile, the same pictures, the same.

It makes me question the whole concept of online dating. I know that it has worked for many people, but the more people I meet the more problems I hear about it. It seems that everyone has the same complaints - either the people they are attracting are not what they are looking for, or the people never want to meet.

You need to remain vigilant and alert. It takes a great deal of energy to read between the lines and weed out the crap that is out there. The other day I fell for the oldest scam out there. On several sites there is no cost to view, but in order to communicate with others you need to sign up. I had received a couple of emails from this "fellow" in St. George. I was not a member of the site - but eventually I caved and signed up for the low low price of $12.95 per month - and low and behold it was a scammer!

These guys are easy to spot. Their emails are way too long - no man on the planet is THAT wordy! There are TONS of spelling mistakes and they always call you stupid disrespectful nick names like 'hun' 'sweetie' or 'lover' - SERIOUSLY! If you are chatting with one of these scammer the always ask you 'where' you live - DUH! It's on my freaking profile - learn to read!

Perhaps the hardest part of online dating is not becoming a cynic. Every once in a while you start chatting with someone and it's hard to 'believe' that they are real. You Google their phone number, fact check with friends, sometimes I wish I knew someone who could run a police check...am I just being cautious, or have I become so jaded that I have a hard time believing what anyone tells me?

Then you reach a point where you are pretty sure that they are 'real' and you agree to meet for coffee (not Coffee). How long to you wait before contacting him again? Will we ever meet for coffee? Oh, but that's another story...

Peace

I'm Off to See the Wizard

There are times, like 2:37 a.m. that I wish, like the straw man I had no brain. Why do some individuals, myself being one of them, have the need to analyze everything? Why is there no "off" switch in our brains?

Raise your hand if this has happened to you before. You are exhausted so instead of going to bed early, like you should, you stay up even later because you have 'just a few more things to do'. Then at some ungodly hour you bolt upright in bed with a mental list of a dozen other things to do. You lie back down and try to sleep, but it is hopeless.

I used to toss and turn for hours, only to fall back asleep around 6:00 and an hour later my alarm would go off. How do you spell annoying? Recently I have started getting up instead. I heard somewhere that if you wake in the middle of the night you should get out of bed and go and read in a quite place. I have had some success with the 'reading' thing, but I find it hard to leave my bed.

The things that wake me in the middle of the night are usually the most ridiculous things - like I forgot to bake a banana loaf for the CEO of Disney who is coming by next Thursday - seriously? What has me up this lovely evening? My writing.

I was in a deep, peaceful, restful sleep and words just started coming into my head. I slowly awoke to realize I had to pee really badly! After I got up, I could not fall back asleep, so I grabbed my $4.26 notepad and started writing. I finished off the post I had started on Sunday and kept on writing.

So here I am now at 3:14 a.m. finishing up my next post. I may not even 'proof read' this one - it might make for a more interesting read. I wonder if I 'make sense' at 3 o'clock in the morning or if the things I pen are just gibberish?

I guess the point of this entire post is that I am who I am and I can't change my basic needs. I have a need to write and no matter how many times I say 'that's it, I've had it, no more' something inside me drives me to continue. I just wish it wasn't telling me this at 3 a.m., but perhaps if I was listening to myself instead of ignoring my needs I would be sleeping soundly.

Peace

When All Hope Is Gone

There are people that investigate accidents and their job is to reconstruct how the accident happened. For the life of me I can't figure out where I went off the tracks. Now as I sit here in the smoldering wreck I come to the conclusion that I am sick of feeling. I just want to not feel anything any more. In addition I want to stop thinking. My brain is far more dangerous than any nuclear weapon. I AM my own worst enemy.

As I mentioned I have no idea how I got here - and I am not so sure it really matters. What I need to do is get out of here - fast! I can't change the past, I can only change the present. I can't change others, I can only change myself. These are mantras I keep telling myself on a regular basis.

What happens when you are so tired of reminding yourself of these things? What happens when all hope is gone? I deserve better. I am a wonderful person. I have family and friends who love me. If I am/have all these things why am I sitting here crying? Why have I been immobilized for the last 2 days? Why do I feel alone in a room full of people? Why can't I make the pain go away? Why can't I stop analyzing things? Why can't I just be happy with all the love I have?

Like it or not my ex-husband was my best friend for 24 years. He was always there for me when I needed him, and he is still there for me today, but I try really hard not to need him. He has asked me several times if we could remain friends. I have always said "no"". I am very black & white regarding this. It's all or nothing for me, I don't deal well with ambiguity. Perhaps at some point when I have healed it could be an option, but not now, because I am the one who will end up being hurt. I have to protect me.

Friends have told me on several occasions that it is not "him" that I miss it is something he represents. They are probably right. I miss having someone in my life 24/7. I miss having a person that I can talk to about anything at anytime. I miss knowing that no matter what happens someone is there for me. I miss having someone to give me a hug when I have a bad day. I miss having a partner to share my life with.

I now understand why people stay in unhappy relationships. They may not know 'why' they stay, but I suspect this may be one of the underlying reasons. Is there anything I can do? Absolutely not. Like it or not I am divorced. I have to learn to accept that there is a good probability that I will spend the rest of my life single. Perhaps it is this realization and attempt at acceptance that has derailed my train.

I am certain this is all a part of my journey, but since I cannot see my destination right now I may need to pull off the road for a bit. I am too tired to continue travelling.

Peace

It's All About Me

Do you have multiple personalities? I don't mean a disorder - I mean do you have different versions of "you" depending on where you are or who you are with? I'm not referring to the subtle 'best behaviour' changes, I mean a completely different person.

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a princess named Fiona. Yes - like Shrek - I was 2 different people. There was my 'at work' self and my 'at home' self. My 'at work' self was not an ogre - although my co-workers may disagree - but my 'at work' self was and still is very close to the 'real' me. My 'at home' self is someone I would like to forget.

At home I 'learned' to like things, I 'learned' to not talk about things and I 'learned' to not even suggest things. Have you ever recommended something to someone only to have them dismiss your suggestion. Then about a month later they tell you all about this great new thing they heard about from a friend. Mean while its the same thing you mentioned a month ago? Welcome to my home life.

It would appear that I still have not resolved my issues addressed in yesterday's post. Why was I so willing to give up my friends, my likes and myself for my marriage? Perhaps the more important question is why do I feel that the 'real' me is not good enough? Why do I feel the need to change myself? Is it to please others? Is it to get others to like me? Is it to avoid conflict and confrontation? I am sure that it is some combination of all of these.

What I do know is that the reason 'why' is not as important as 'recognizing' that I am doing this. If I am aware of the behaviour and I see it happening I have the ability to change it. It won't be easy, but is anything?

There came a time in my life where I could not continue being 2 different people. My 2 worlds collided. My 'work self' came home and my 'home self' went to work. It caused issues at work and home. It was also a precurser in the breakdown of my marriage...thankfully my job faired better.

At the end of the day it was something that had to happen. It made no sense to me at the time, but now looking in my rearview mirror it is crystal clear. Do you know what is worse than being alone? Being lonely in a relationship.

Peace

The Farmer In the Dell

The other day a 'friend' approached me and asked me if I was enjoying all the 'male bashing' I was doing on my blogs. Before I could even formulate a response this person was gone and I have not had any contact with them since this episode.

More puzzling than the comment was my reaction to the comment. My first response was guilt. I immediately felt guilty about everything I had posted. Was I 'male bashing'? Was I too negative? Was I offending people? Should I stop writing?

My second response was confusion. As I reviewed my posts I did not see any obvious 'male bashing'. I did not see tons of negativity and I definitely did not see any direct or indirect finger pointing at 'specific' people with the exception of my immediate family.

Then came the anger. Surprisingly the anger was not at my 'friend' but it was at myself. WHY did I even consider stopping something that I enjoy so much just because 1 person said something negative? WHY did I question something I know I am good at and take pride in doing? WHY was I blaming myself for something someone else was feeling? Boy this whole thing is starting to sound all too familiar to me!

For whatever reason this 'friend' took offense to something I posted. Perhaps something I said hit too close to home for this person or perhaps they are afraid to deal with their own emotions - who knows - and it is really none of my concern. In my recent training my instructor used a quote to explain how slowly corporations adapt to change ~ "You can't teach a pig to sing. It only frustrates you and it pisses off the pig".

I interpret this to mean - you can't change others, you can only change yourself. So I continue to do what I enjoy and am good at - writing these blogs. This 'friend' may continue to be angry with me for my posts but they may also learn to accept me for who I am.

As I continue to change I believe that those around me will begin to notice a change in me and my happiness. Some may even ask "how" I have become so happy. It is at this time that I will be more than willing to share - and perhaps, just maybe  - I will be able to teach a pig how to sing.

Peace

Where's My Pony?

Managing expectations. It's never an easy thing to do, but it's even harder when it's your own expectations that you need to manage. It's like the child that asks for a pony from Santa for Christmas. We all know that Santa is not bringing a pony and we try to explain this to the child so they won't be disappointed Christmas morning. Apart from the impossible requests we all know too well that if a child asks Santa for only one gift - if they do not receive that gift even if they get 100 gifts - the response will most likely be 'is that all there is?'

How does one go about managing one's own expectations? A few days ago I logged into my online dating account and updated my profile. I set up my profile almost a year ago when I had no business dating. As I reviewed my profile some things started to make sense. For example I was always shocked that my 'matches' were mirror images of my ex-husband. As I read my profile a light bulb went off. I was attracting men like my ex because I was looking for values he possessed, not values I wanted in a partner.

So long story longer, I updated my profile to reflect what I like, what I want, and what I value. Low and behold yesterday someone sent me a communication. I was so excited - wow! A real man had sent me a message...but then the doubt started to creep in. Was he really interested in chatting with me or was he just 'fishing'?

'Fishing', I learned very quickly, is what a lot of men and some women do for fun. They send out "messages" to the masses and then they look at all the replies that they get and "pick" the ones that look like the "most" fun. It's a mean and heartless 'mind game' that is very destructive and hurtful but nevertheless it is a real fact of online dating.

So here I sit wondering if I should take the risk of replying to this man. I ponder the word 'should'. It is such a harsh word, so I rephrase the sentance. I could take the risk or I could do nothing. If I don't take the risk will I be living my future or remaining in the past? So I chose to welcome love into my heart and into my life - I replied "I would love to chat with you".

Peace

I Want It All, And I Want It Now

Last night I read in my Entertainment Weekly magazine that Jesse James and Kat Von D had split. This gave me a good chuckle. When the whole Sandra Bullock/Jesse James story broke I really felt bad for Sandra - her ex was continuously hurting and disrespecting her long after their split by "flaunting" his newly found love and happiness in her face. Sandra always took the high road and remained silent - and now who has the last laugh?

Why is it that society as a whole is always looking for instant gratification? It seems that no one wants to work on things/wait for things any more. The end result? I think it's that no one values things anymore. I know, we are all guilty of it on some level, but so many people are ONLY attracted to the thrill of the ride. Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with riding the roller coaster - but sometimes you need to get off the ride and see all the other things going on at the amusement park.

Are those people who are constantly looking for instant gratification the same people who are always looking for happiness? It makes me wonder. A quote comes to mind ~ "Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and set softly on your shoulder." ~Thoreau.

Now, for those of you who have been paying attention to my posts, I don't necessarily agree with all of the quote. I believe that many of us truly are happy but we just don't know it because we have never defined "what" happiness means to us at this point in our lives.

As we change and grow as individuals our ideals of happiness will change, so you may need to update or modify your happiness list over time, but you may be surprised. If you have listed your "core" values - as opposed to features - your list will seldom changes. I know that making a list is not an easy exercise - it takes some deep introspection to find the core values and it can be quite scary - but I think it is a worthwhile exercise that everyone should try at least once.

Peace

The Band-Aid is Coming Off!

I think it's time for another 'thank you' message. I would like to thank all of my readers for their words of kindness, support and encouragement. The reason I started these posts was to grieve, heal and forgive. I believe that I have now reached the forgiving stage of my journey.

By forgiveness I don't mean that I accept my ex-husband's indiscretions - I simply mean I am moving on. I think my inability to write for the last 2 days is because I am in the beginning stages of leaving the past and moving forward into my future. I have had nothing to write about because I have moved past the hurt, anger and fear.

What does all of this mean? Well I will liken it to picking at a scab. I believe that sometimes in order to learn from your mistakes you must pick at a scab to create a scar. The scar will always remain a part of you and a reminder, but a scar only forms after the wound has healed.

My wound is starting to heal. I have already picked at it enough to leave a scar. I have reached the point where if I keep picking at it my wound will never heal. I want to heal - so I am choosing to stop picking and let things be.

I am not going to stop writing because I believe everything is cyclical. Although I am quiet excited to start this part of my journey I know my path will once again loop back into the woods, but I am confident that my regressions will become shorter as I continue to move forward into the sunlight.

I may not write about my personal journey but instead try writing about my daily observations on life - or I may only write when I feel the need - I don't want to plan too much, I just want to live!

I really enjoy writing and I am glad that I "stepped out of my comfort zone" and gave this a try. Once again, thank you for everything and stay tuned...

Peace

Cat, Book and Candle

Wow, it's official. I have writer's block. I have started 2 different notes but neither has inspired me to continue writing more than a few sentences. This is the hardest time I have had writing one of these things.

Perhaps the pressure of having an audience is now getting to me. Before I never had anyway of knowing if anyone was reading my posts. Now I know how many viewers I have (by hour), the country the viewer is from and even the browser they are using. I am now feeling pressure to perform and fear of failure is sinking in.

Writing about one's inner most thoughts and feelings is not easy. Many people have a hard time even expressing this kind of stuff to themselves - never mind sharing it with others. When I first speak to someone I know has been reading my blogs there is always an awkward silence. Neither of us knows what to say. For the most part I just try to be myself and move on.

Today I crossed paths with a very interesting woman. I don't know all of her story but what came out of our conversation was that she had always wanted to open a store but was afraid because everyone told her that it wouldn't work. After all but forgetting her dream - a store unit came up for rent 2 blocks from her house. She took this to be a sign and in March of this year she opened her store in this unit. She squashed all her fears and now she is happier than she has ever been in her life and does not regret anything.

This made me think about my fears. When I returned home from her store I pulled out my 'fear' list. When my ex-husband left one of my exercises was to make a list of my fears. At the time I had 12 fears. As I look at these fears now I laugh. When I wrote the list each item shook every fibre of my being and now a year later I laugh at them.

It's not that I have no fears - because I do. It's just that my fears were unfounded. They were fear of the unknown or based on misinformation. One of my silly fears was that I would not be able to support my kids. At the time this was a real fear for me, but now that I own my own house and car I see how silly this fear was.

Oddly enough this whole topic comes back to change. Like it or not everything changes. My fears today will be "silly" in a year from now so why should I let them get in the way of living my life?

Peace 

Track and Field Day

How do you spell mood swing? M-E! Today I had a great day! I woke up happy and spent the entire day happy.

Do you ever stop and count your blessings? Do you see something on the news or read something in the paper that reminds you of just how lucky you are for all you have in your life? Why is it that we don't appreciate what we have until we see others who are worse off than we are?

Here's my theory. When we hear bad news from others we do a mental list of our own lives. When we create this list we are making our happiness into something that is defined. I think that many people, myself included, are always searching for happiness because it has not been defined. What is happiness to you? Do you have a clearly defined list of attainable goals that will make you happy? If not, how do you measure happiness. If you don't know what it is that will make you happy how will you ever know that you are happy?

I will use the track and field as an example. Runners are timed, the height of jumps recorded and the distance of throws measured. Each participant in the track and field event knows what time or distance they have to beat. They know the goal they have to attain. They either exceed the goal or they don't. It's simple. So...I made of list of things that I consider to be "happiness". I have everything on this list with the exception of a responsible, honest and loving partner. But I have never had a responsible, honest and loving partner. Does this mean that I have never been happy? Or does it simply mean that I have not achieved all the happiness I could have?

I think it's the later - I have not achieved all the happiness I could have. So what am I going to do about it? I am going to try to participate in track and field and try to beat the best time/distance. I am going to face my fears of being hurt again and start dating.

The greatest hazard in life is to wish and to risk nothing. I may avoid suffering and sorrow, but I will not learn, feel, love or truly live if I do not take the first step.

Peace

To Write Or Not To Write, That is the Question

I am emotionally exhausted. The last thing I want to do is to delve into my emotions. In fact all I want to do right now is to stop feeling anything. So why do I continue to do this to myself?

Easy. One - it makes me feel better once I have put things down on paper. Two - when I re-read my posts I feel quite proud of what I have accomplished. Three - when I re-read my posts I often see how "silly" my sorrows really are.

Loss and grief, no matter how large or small, affects everyone in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. Sometimes I get lost in my grief and I have a hard time pulling myself out. The last few days I have been lost in grief. I know it was a result of holding everything in last week. I was hoping that my return to work and routine would pull me out of my despair, but it didn't.

What pulled me out was a simple statement from a friend ~ "Family always comes first". I know my grief is minor compared to others I know. I can't even begin to understand how these friends manage to cope and handle their grief. It is because of these people that I continue to write. Although my grief is not the same as the grief they are working through I hope that they are able to find some inspiration in the things that I write.

I write not only to calm myself but to inspire others, give hope to others and return to others some of the kindness that has been gifted to me. If my daily posts touch only one person then my emotional tireness has been worth it. And on those days that the one person my posts touch is me - I then find the strength and energy to carry on writing.

Peace

From Weird to Normal

I always find it difficult to write when I am down. My instinct is to do nothing. To hide from the world and shut down into preservation mode. It is times like this that it is crucial for me to write.

I was watching Spongebob Square Pants. In the episode Squidward was frustrated with Spongebob's weirdness and SpongeBob in an attempt to appease Squidward learns to become "normal". Spongebob's transformation to "normal" is so complete that he forgets how to be Spongebob.

This episode made me think about what I am going through. I am being affected physically, emotionally, socially, mentally and spiritually. Of course I am not acting like my old self - because I am not my old self anymore - and some days I don't even know who I am.

I find that things that were once important no longer matter and things that I never noticed before are now important to me. It is days like today that like Spongebob I wish I could be my "weird" self again. I wish I could be silly, carefree, funny, witty, and in love with life. Right now I feel like I am "normal" going through life but not really living it. I feel numb and incomplete.

Perhaps, like Spongebob, I need Patrick to show me how to be "silly" again.

Peace