Strange things are happening. Disturbing, eerie, mind shattering events. I am happy most of the time. What's up with that?!
Why is it that now that I am happier with my life I often pause and think 'wait a minute - I'm supposed to be [angry/sad/afraid/etc.]'? Add to the mix that society "deems" me to be unhappy because I am not married with 1.4 kids, a 4 bedroom house and 2 cars in the garage.
Why do "others" get to say what makes me happy? When "others" learn that I am divorced I get the "AWWW sorry to hear that" and the 'move away slowly' look as if I have the plague. I know I am not the only person that this happens to. I have several friends that don't have children and when that is mentioned - well, we really don't need to go there.
Why is it that society is so preoccupied with "normal"? Who gets to determine "normal"? And why is "normal" less than 50% of the Canadian population? Since when was "normal" the minority?
I am happy with my life and I am not afraid to say it. Would I be happier with a man in my life? It is doubtful. Would I feel less alone and more supported emotionally with a man in my life? If it were the right man, absolutely - if it were the wrong man I think I would just feel more stress and frustration.
In short I am learning (I would like to say have learned, but you can always improve) to be happy with what I have. I refuse to spend the rest of my life 'waiting until' and I choose to live it. I can whine and complain, but I am choosing to see the positive (it's always there - sometimes I need help finding it) in everything that happens.
I believe that now that I have reached the point where I have no interest in dating I am finally ready for a relationship. But having said that it will be extremely difficult to pursue a relationship with anyone considering I have no interest in dating. Hmmm - which came first? The chicken or the egg. With the knowledge that "Mr." is not going to just appear on my doorstep one day, how does one go about meeting new people? I can see I created more questions than answers. Perhaps these are items that need to be pondered longer.
To quote The Smiths ~ "Just shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does".
Peace
Similar to my experience of riding a bike for the first time in 30 years, today I jumped rope! The last time I remember jumping rope was 25 years ago when I was 5! HA!
At the beginning of this year I decided to go back into martial arts. This was something I had started when my marriage was in trouble, but before my ex-husband left. I continued for a few months after he left, but found it was too difficult to focus.
Although my current life is very hectic, and I am often late for class, I find attending classes one of the most positive activities in my life right now. Each class is all about me! It's how hard I am willing to push myself and challenge myself. Even if I am having a day from hell I find myself laughing and trying my best - whatever that may be at that time.
The thing about continually trying your best is that eventually you manage to reach certain goals you have set for yourself. This happened to me the other day. For 2 years now I have been trying to place my head on the floor (between my legs). The other day I managed to do it.
The fact that I managed to accomplish this in and of itself was amazing, but even more amazing was how I felt when I did it. I was so excited and proud of myself that I wanted to tell my Sensei - but I quickly reminded myself that I was not 5 and refrained from yelling "Sensei, Sensei look at what I can do!"
On many occasions it has been extremely difficult for me to attend classes - on a physical and mental level. Between work and the kids I often feel that I don't have enough time or energy to brush my teeth, never mind go to class, but I am quickly learning the POSITIVE benefits of making myself go when I really don't want to.
Why would anyone want to make themselves do something they don't want to do? In this particular case, I am learning that when I am over stressed martial arts is the BEST medicine for me! When I am practicing my kata I am so focused on what I am doing (and not falling over) that I don't have any time to "worry", "stress" or have "self-pity". When class is over and I head home I feel like I can accomplish ANYTHING!
For me martial arts has shown me that if I dare to dream it and I try real hard I can achieve it.
Peace
Raise your hand if you have ever told a close friend that they are too fat or too ugly or deserved to be alone because no one in their right mind would ever want to be with them. I'm not seeing any hands...Okay, so has anyone ever thought this about a close friend but never vocalized it? Once again I am thinking "no".
Me personally, I have never said this OR thought this about a friend or a frenemy for that matter. So why do I continue to say things like this to myself? Why is it that I treat others far better than I treat myself?
Don Miguel Ruiz said something that rang true for me ~ "In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. The limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. If someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly."
I am repeating this paragraph because it was a HUGE eye opener for me. It was truly one of those "a-ha" light bulb moments. It is clear to me that I NEED to start talking to myself the way I would talk to a friend, or better yet the way I would speak to a stranger.
We tend to be kinder and more accepting of strangers that we do of family and friends. Perhaps since I am just 'learning' about me it would be a good idea to treat myself as an "unknown person" or a "stranger" and forgive myself for my shortcomings. Accept me for who I am and focus on all the positive aspects rather than looking for the slightest flaw and magnifying it 1000 times.
During my many exercises of removing negativity from my environment I never stopped and looked inside of myself. I can't kick myself out of my own life, but I can remove negative thoughts from my mind. Negative thoughts are unproductive, unhelpful and not useful at all.
I shall replace these thoughts and attitudes with useful, helpful and productive thoughts and actions.
Peace
While things have improved greatly for me I still have much ground to cover before I reach the top of the mountain. Some days I wonder if I will remain "broken" forever and other days I know I am "Queen of the World". I am starting to see patterns in my changed of moods. I was already aware of the "common" triggers - lack of sleep, stress, PMS, etc. I am now noticing a different trend - the weekend.
At first I thought I was upset on the weekends because my children were gone and I was feeling all the loneliness full force. I have now started to notice that the lack of children is not the issue. Even on weekends when I have the kids I find myself sad. The simplest tasks can bring me to tears and even the most enjoyable activities will upset me.
My mission - should I choose to accept it - is to figure out "why" weekends upset me so much. The first thing that jumps to mind is that when we were all a "family unit" things were always good on the weekends. When I was married the ex and I did things with the kids on the weekends and we always had a great time.
My immediate response would be that I am reminiscent of these times and miss them. Do I really believe this is the issue? No. It has been over 2 years since we have done any "family activities". It makes no sense that I would all of a sudden start missing these things.
So my agitation and weepy eyes remain a mystery. The root cause continues to allude me. Perhaps it is similar to a watched pot that never boils. At first I thought that if I stopped looking for the reason and just allowed the sadness to flow it would pass. But I have discovered that allowing the sadness in is having the opposite effect. I have become a prisoner in my own home - afraid to leave the safety of my nest.
So for a while I took the opposite approach and ensured that I was beyond busy each weekend - which was a total disaster - as I returned to work fully exhausted and an emotional mess.
The last few weekends I have been trying a 'happy medium'. A little bit of adventure, some kid time, lots of personal down time and early to bed. So far I have noticed that the tears are still there, but only well up in my eyes rather than flowing steadily. The true outcome of these changes are yet to be determined.
Peace
