As I return to the world of dating - or rather "getting to know" men - I felt it would be in my best interest to review my list of needs. When emotions are involved it is far too easy to get wants and needs mixed up. After pulling out my list (you know I had one!) I was glad to see that my needs had only changed slightly over the last couple of years.
When it comes to relationships everyone has different needs. I believe that it is important to identify my needs because I have learned that when my needs are not being met I tend to get angry and resentful towards the other person. Looking back I am not sure that I EVER KNEW what I needed! No wonder my marriage failed - all I knew was that I was not happy. How could anyone help me if I didn't even know what the problem was?
One of the hardest things I have found to do as a adult is to make friends. Now I am not talking about acquaintances, I am talking about true friends - you know the ones that either bail you out of jail without asking a single question or are in jail with you!
As people age they wear more and more 'masks' never revealing their 'true self'. I find that people generally adapt to their surroundings by wearing various 'masks' - which I find makes it difficult for me to make friends.
The reason I struggle with this endeavor is that I have realized that my "mating" needs are the same as my "friendship" needs with the exception of sex. Interesting! It's no wonder I am struggling with understanding the difference between friendship and dating.
I have never really analyzed my friendships before, but now that I understand what I need in a 'relationship' regardless of the type I understand why I have so many different friendships. Also, I can now clearly see why I have so few very close friends - these are the people that meet all my 4 needs - not 5 needs - remember no sex EVER with friends!
Peace
When I made the decision to live life - rather than sit on the sidelines - I knew that it was not going to be easy. It's difficult to give your all in a physical activity and never get hurt. If you really want to fully participate in the game you must commit to giving 100% or you might as well go back to the sidelines. Life is the same way, only the injuries are emotional.
The definition of grief is deep sorrow caused by a loss. I find myself grieving again. Fortunately I have learned how important this activity is for me and I am allowing myself the time to grieve, heal and forgive.
"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know" ~ Pema Chadron
I think that this quote can also pertain to people. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Many people enter our lives on a daily basis, but the ones who stay are there until we have learned what we need to know, then they move on. I also believe that I choose who gets to stay in my life, although I know that I can't keep anyone who doesn't wish to be there.
When I make a choice to allow someone to stay in my life I do not do so lightly. There is often a good reason for the decision - I still work diligently to keep negativity out of my life. The main reason I choose to let someone stay is that I have learned that happiness does not come from getting what I want; happiness comes from recognizing what I have.
What I have right now makes me happy. Do I want more? Yes. Do I need more? No! So why the grieving? Well if I have learned anything from the breakdown of my marriage it is to take the time to accept the fact that things are not as I had hoped. To grieve the loss, to heal my ego and to forgive myself and move on. In the end I will only be a better person.
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" ~ Dr. Seuss
Peace
The down side to writing a blog is when you tell people you write a blog they want to read it. That in itself is not a problem; the problem lies in my fear that I might upset someone. I am not sure why I would upset someone because I generally write only about how things affect ME or how I am dealing with things - but I still worry.
I have recently been asked, through various channels, to write blogs on specific topics. I am not sure if this is something I am capable of doing. I usually write about what is going on in my life and the lessons I have learned or need to learn. I do not claim that any of my activities will work for others - they are specific to me. In addition, the majority of the blogging requests have been for me to write about my dating experiences. Problem is - I'm not dating.
So, reading TOO MUCH into things - as I tend to do - I decided to Google the definition of dating. The most common definition is ~ "Dating is essentially getting to know someone over an extended period of time". Well now, that sounds a lot like friendship to me - so to clarify for the purpose of this blog - in MY WORLD "dating" is the same as the definition above WITH the prospect or potential of sex. Friendship on the other hand means NO SEX EVER! (Yes I am aware of the onslaught of messages I am about to receive - bring it).
When I made the decision to stop online dating and go out into the world and make 'real' friends you know what happened? I quickly made many friends - male and female. This has been nice for many reasons. At this stage in my journey friendship is a great starting point. Even though I do believe I am ready to date, I am not sure that I am ready for a relationship - but I am also a person who endorses commitment - so I am in a bit of a tough spot.
I am fully aware that my issue is in part due to my analyzing trait. I have a problem "dating" multiple people at the same time. I understand the concept of dating multiple people, but I still have a hard time having the 'intention' of a physical relationship with multiple people.
So, once again I will be relying on the advice and direction of my friends to help me face my fears. How will I do this? Well, first I am going to stop worrying about the 'physical' aspects until the need should arise (no pun intended). With the physical intentions out of the way I am hoping I can start "getting to know" multiple people.
Perhaps I need a "Dating for Dummies" book or a "Socializing with the Male Gender" class. My friends tell me that I will know when things are right and to stop ANALYZING! You know what? I know JACK! If I knew anything do you really think I would be writing about this? Well, yes that was the fear talking - but I am learning - which is all I can hope for. I know I will somehow manage to "muddle" my way through this new territory. I also know that I will attract someone who is willing to be patient with me and be understanding of my issues. Those that I meet who are not as understanding will not be worth keeping in my life. I CHOOSE!
Peace
It is very doubtful that many of my readers are Doctor Who fans. I am a bit of a Doctor Who fanatic! Throughout the last 7 seasons the Doctor has had different travelling companions. Although the Doctor's companions have changed throughout the years one thing remains constant - the Doctor should never travel alone!
When the Doctor travels without a companion he starts to lose his compassion, charm, hope, positive attitude and overall trust in mankind. I sometimes feel like the Doctor. When I don't have a travelling companion (a friend) to share my stress, frustrations and fears with, I have a tendency to overreact, internalize things, accept blame for things I had nothing to do with and I doubt myself. The end result, I start to push people away. Not surprisingly I push away the people that I actually WANT in my life - my travelling companions - or friends.
My closest friends try to reach out to me and 'ground' me when they notice that I have a lot of 'crap' going on in my life. My old friends eventually hear about my issues and remind me to call the next time I need anything. So why don't I just reach out to anyone when I know I am having issues? I am not really sure.
Part of the reason I don't reach out is that I don't want to be a bother. Another reason is a lot of the time I don't know what is wrong - I am just miserable. But perhaps the biggest reason I don't reach out is that I don't trust myself. When I go long periods of time without confiding in a friend I begin to doubt EVERYTHING. I doubt my abilities, I doubt my interpretation of things, I doubt my self worth. It's like I am lost in time and space. Since I no longer TRUST myself, I start to listen to and believe what others tell me - and this never ends well for me.
Is all this pain, suffering and confusion self inflicted? Yes. I choose how I let things affect me - and when I travel alone I often chose poorly. Since I cannot always travel with a companion it is my responsibility to learn to make better choices. It is a tough road ahead, but it is a journey that I must make alone.
Peace
