A brand new year was not the trigger for these thoughts, it was an evening spent with old friends. My friends are GREAT and I LOVE them all dearly but for some reason this year's festivities felt different to me. It's hard to describe because I really had a lot of fun laughing, listening to everyone's stories and just spending time with my friends, but I left feeling empty and hollow inside. Like the entire evening was superficial like Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Special.
So my reason for writing this is not to get my friends upset, rather share my feelings of not belonging. I have come to understand that my blogging is a form of self-care, a way of unloading some of the pain that I am carrying - which is important when I am hurting - it is my way of reaching out. See, I have learned a lot and I have also learned to not feel guilty about sharing my feelings.
I have tried making friends with single people but I am often too 'vanilla' for these people. Oh the stories I could tell you about the places I have been...it would make for some competition for 50 Shades, let me tell you. While these adventures make for some great story telling, they are NOT for me. I admit it. I WANT vanilla! I like vanilla and I don't see any problem with wanting to be or being vanilla.
The world however has this perception that vanilla is boring. With all the 1000s of other flavours out there why would anyone pick boring vanilla? You see I like vanilla because it goes with anything. Not only that you can have it plain or you can put TONS of toppings on it - there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL with vanilla - whereas the other flavours, well they are specific flavours.
I guess what this all boils down to is that it has been 4 years now and I am still single. Not only am I still single but odds are now that I will remain single - which absolutely breaks my heart because I KNOW that I was not designed to be alone forever. So what does this have to do with my New Year's Eve? I think I am so upset because I feel like a failure, a disappointment, a loser - all because I am single.
Yes you read that right. Me; the intelligent, attractive, strong person you know me to be just said that. You see, I cannot compete in a society where everyone is so easily disposable and replaceable with the click of a button. With all the many flavours of ice cream to try - vanilla will ALWAYS be the LAST choice - and I am no one's LAST choice! But I am what I am, which is why I stopped dating months ago.
Logically I know that being single does not make one a failure, a disappointment or a loser. It is difficult to never have a negative thought enter your mind - especially when you meet with your married friends year after year and each time you are still single...on the plus side; this has gotten me writing again.
Peace
"Don't know that I will but until I can find me the girl man who'll stay and won't play games behind me. I'll be what I am. A solitary [wo]man, solitary [wo]man." ~ Neil Diamond
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