It's Not Easy Being Green

When my kids were in karate when it came to belt testing time they were required to complete an essay about why they felt they were ready to move to the next belt level. As an adult I thought that I would be exempt from this practice. I was wrong.

Writing an essay would be easy for me. This time instead of an essay I have to give a report card regarding my progress in the areas of form, fitness, self defense, commitment, respect and confidence. Wow! Now that is a challenge for many different reasons.

The first reason is in karate, as with life, you can always do better - there is no perfect. Add to that I am my own worst enemy. But rather than go on about why this task is so difficult I will focus on the things I do well and where I believe I can make the most improvements.

I know that I am working very hard at becoming more physically fit, but I can't do it all in 3 months. I perhaps don't work out as often as I "should" but I do work out as often as I "can". And when I am doing whatever form of exercise whether it be karate, boot camp or a simple walk I put my best effort into it. I give it my all at that point in time. Am I going to beat myself up because I am not doing as much as I "should"? No. I am pleased with my progress because I know that I am trying my hardest. Can I improve my fitness level? Absolutely. But again - it is not going to happen overnight.

Another area I am proud of is my commitment. I may not have the best attendance record or the highest number of classes but I weighed all the pros and cons of returning to karate for many months prior to starting up again. I knew that returning was a huge commitment. Being a newly single mum and doing things for me has caused a great deal of disruption in my family life. Through all the tears and the "mummy don't goes" karate continues to win out. My children are still learning but are starting to understand how important this is to me. Again, I may not be as committed as I "should" but I am certainly as committed as I "can" be at this point in time.

Overall the area that I feel I need the most improvement in is my confidence. Right now I feel like a kid who has skipped a grade. I feel that I need 3 more months of training before I can even consider testing for my green belt. I feel that I have not earned the privilege of green. I feel that I have so much that I don't know that I should already know and will be expected to know at an intermediate level.

As I re-read what I have written so far it is becoming apparent that my own inner conflict appears to be with "pleasing my sensei" vs. "pleasing myself" or "should" vs. "can". When I remove the "should" from the equation and ask myself where I "could" improve I believe my report card may have been slightly different from the one that was handed in for my belt testing.

Well, if I have learned anything throughout my journey it is that nobody is perfect. When you make a mistake rather than beat yourself up about it, try to figure out where you went wrong and how you can fix it to prevent it from happening again.

I will keep this in mind when I write my report card for my purple belt.

Peace