Butcher's Hook

I am conflicted. I am not even sure where to begin. I know I am not perfect, ideal or the greatest thing since sliced bread. I know I am not a romantic but I am a dreamer. I consider myself to be a realist and practical - although I am also aware that I can at times be naive or have my head in the clouds.

I received a great deal of feedback from one of my recent posts stating that it is me who has an issue, not the men I meet. Perhaps this is true; however specific to my post, these were some funny situations that happened to me. Most likely these men were not "into me" and rather than saying so said/ did some ridiculous things to ensure that I did not 'return' for more. I too am guilty of doing some 'dumb ass' things on dates when I was panicked by certain situations. I am not proud of my behaviours and I have learned from them.

My conflict does not come from the feedback from my post. It comes from what "I am seeking" v.s. what I am being told/ seeing is reality. I want a relationship! I want to spend time with a man, getting to know him and he me. I want this to be 'exclusive' once things become physical. I have no desire to spend all my time with this person. I have no desire to move in or marry this person in a matter of months. I just want to have fun getting to know someone. This is what is bothering me - EVERYONE, including the men I meet, is telling me that I am being UNREALISTIC. Really? I really don't think that I am asking for too much.

I understand that this statement represents too big of a commitment for most. This is why men 'run' in the other direction. It is assumed that I am lonely, that I will suck the life out of them and leave them with no freedom, not variety, no multiple partners - DEATH! Which is why I don't go around 'advertising' this is what I am seeking; however recently I have come to the realization that I need to be true to myself - and stop wasting my time with men who simply want to 'hook up' or 'play the field' while having a 'relationship' with me.

In the past I have met a few men who were far more into commitment than I was - so I know they exist - thing is, these men scared me and I RAN away. Several times I have 'frozen' in my tracks because I was not certain of my feelings for men and I did not want to 'mislead' or 'hurt' anyone by not being able to 'deliver'. Sometimes when I examine my behaviours I wonder if it is me who is afraid of commitment.

Perhaps it is not so much that I am afraid of commitment as it is I am afraid of committing to the wrong person. 

Peace

"Go ahead and disagree. I'm giving up again." ~ Slipknot