I believe that sadness is an important emotion that needs to be given attention when it appears, just like anger and fear, there is usually a reason for it.
I have not chosen to be miserable, yet I am. It has taken the better part of 6 months to figure out why I am miserable. Knowing the reason does not make getting yourself out of the darkness any easier, in fact it presents a whole new set of challenges.
The ego is a funny thing. One can learn to not take things personally, or so I am told; however, for me, when you are constantly hearing every day the things you do are wrong, well, for me it spells train wreck.
I find it interesting that I KNOW I am negative, toxic and miserable yet others around me perceive me as helpful, positive and happy. Perhaps they see the Facebook version of me...who knows.
What I do know is that I find it difficult to find anything positive in my life at the moment. I know, I am alive, I have friends and family who love me, blah, blah. That's not what I mean. Not so long ago I was happy. Truly happy. And now that happiness is gone. I get it, this is 'fixable'. The issue is, I don't know how to fix it. The worst part of losing my happiness is that I also lost my self-confidence. Or perhaps it was my loss of self-confidence that lead to my loss of happiness.
A quote from Kung Fu Panda comes to mind, "I probably sucked more today than anybody in the history of kung fu. In the history of China. In the history of sucking!" ~Po. This sums up every day for me. Right now everything I do is "wrong", "stupid" or "useless" both at work and at home. I have nowhere to hide or escape from the negativity. And to make matters worse, the negativity has entered my head, and it now keeps playing in an endless loop over and over again.
Perhaps the best way to manage this is to just push through it. I have been through worse and survived. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. Everyone is entitled to their 'dark' moments. Why is this bothering me so much? Because I don't feel right inside. I no longer see the opportunities and challenges, I see only frustration and locked doors. I miss rising every morning being excited for the day's adventures. Now I wake late, show up to work later and dread all that may happen throughout the day.
"Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them. Sometimes I wonder why this is happening. It's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again" ~ Linkin Park
Peace
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