Long Way Home

~"I'm leaving all this crap behind. The past is gone, the future's blind. Don't care how long it takes this time. On and on I'll take the long way home."

Wow, all I can say is that looking at the first blank page of a 500 page journal book can be very overwhelming. I just keep telling myself it's like riding a bike. To which my first response is 'I can't ride a bike!'...then all of a sudden that saying makes sense to me for the first time in my life. Once you make the first few difficult peddle motions, the rest becomes natural and fluid as you work to keep peddling to not only move the bike forward but keep it upright. And here we go...

I stopped writing some time ago for a few reasons. I felt that I had nothing to 'work out' anymore. My life was moving in the right direction. I had a job I loved, a boss I loved more, fantastic new friends, I was heavily involved with volunteering in the community, and I was happy. Life was great!

I stopped analyzing everything that crossed my path. I stopped reading between the lines. I stopped hearing hidden messages in things that were said to me. I was living, as they say, 'in the now'.

So what happened? Change! I took a new job. I left the job I loved and the boss I loved more for a job where I believed I could bring huge benefits to the company. I believed with my heart and soul that I could make great changes and move the company into the future in my new role. All I could see was potential everywhere I looked.

Unfortunately as I transitioned through this change I forgot all my newly found coping techniques. I fell into my old behaviours. As a result I now feel like I am back at square one - starting all over again.

So why write? Writing helps me work things out. Once I put it down on paper its out of my brain and doesn't continue to whirl around in there for days and nights on end. 

Why blog? Simple. I KNOW I am not the only person in this vast world of 7.4 billion who has ever experienced this kind of thing. If one single person out there can relate to anything I say and feel a little less alone in this world then why wouldn't I blog?

Why start writing again now? I've been trying to write since September; however, I kept seeing my blogging again as a sign of failure. A sign that I was not able to handle change. Proof that I was not strong enough to survive life. I was not good enough. Then there were the whispers of the hidden messages, you know self-doubt. Was I ever really happy? Am I looking for pity? Am I looking for attention? Being miserable, am I looking for company?

Having recently hit rock bottom I've realized that I have to make a conscious decision to make my life better. I am choosing to do what is BEST for me. Right now writing is one of those choices. It allows me to focus. It forces me to move forward. It challenges me to forgive and forget. It permits me to be creative. So I will continue to write until it is no longer the best thing for me.

Cheers,
Peace

"If it's for me it's on the way home. I will go alone. I will go and find it on my own" ~ Offspring