Sunday 6 August 2017

Ænema

A bad habit of mine has returned - complaining. I have recently become aware of how much I am complaining. This came to light during a conversation with a friend about energy vampires - negative people. During the discussion I had an epiphany, I had become an energy vampire through my constant complaining.

I'm not even sure when this change in behaviour started. As with many bad habits it went unnoticed or was rationalized until it reached a point where it became an issue for me and most likely to all those around me. Now that I am aware of my constant complaining it is a problem that needs to be fixed. In order to successfully change my behaviour I need to understand the root cause.

If my self-growth has taught me anything it is that when I have a "feeling" something is "off", even if I don't have "proof" I need to heed my instinctual warnings. Part of my complaining is that I "doubted" my intuition and listened to others, leaving me feeling powerless. When I feel powerless, or as I call it "trapped", I start complaining. Now that I have the "why" I need to understand the "what". WHAT has made me feel so powerless? And WHAT can I do to get my power back?

I logically know that I am focusing on the problems rather than focusing on finding a solution. Perhaps that is also part of my frustration. I have offered several solutions yet they are never good enough. I have spent so much time and energy trying to fix the problems and my hard work is never enough. Perhaps the solutions are out of my control, perhaps the problems are something that I cannot fix. Perhaps feeling powerless comes from being held accountable for things you don't have the ability to fix. Perhaps it comes from not being heard when solutions are offered. Perhaps it comes from feeling alone.

Shortly after I wrote this a kindred soul "complained" to me. The sharing of the complaint made me realize that I need to let go of what I cannot change; regardless of how much of a challenge this is for me. That I need to focus on what I CAN change - first off, minimizing my complaining - then working on the problems that I can solve. I need to focus on doing what I do best, doing it to the best of my ability and put the things that I cannot change aside for the time being. 

I am hopeful that now that I have direction and a plan that I will stop feeling so powerless. In the 2 weeks that it has taken me to write this out I have reached a place of calmness and acceptance of what will be. To quote a friend "There is power in the serenity of waiting in peace".

Peace

"Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see Armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will. I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus sideshow of freaks" ~ Tool


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