Sunday, 29 October 2017

I'm Coming Undone

"Keep holding on when my brain's tickin' like a bomb. Guess the black thoughts have come again to get me.

Two months after my last post, expressing my concerns with complaining and negativity, I am still in a holding pattern. Every day I feel that I am suffocating. I constantly feel that nothing I do is right - nothing is good enough - overall I am not enough.

I have been told to 'grow a thicker skin' to 'suck it up' and 'be a man'. These comments remind me of a line from How to Train Your Dragon where Hiccup is discussing with an elder how much of a disappointment he feels he is to his father:
Gobber: Now, you're thinkin' about this all wrong. It's not so much what you look like, it's what's inside that he can't stand.
Hiccup: [sarcastic] Thank you for summing that up.
I don't know how to not care. I don't know how to not 'feel' things. I don't know how to shut off the emotions. This is who I am. Am I overwhelmed? Yes. Am I emotionally raw? Yes. Am I emotionally unstable? Yes.

So this begs the question - why? What happened? Why did my apple cart tip? How did things get to this state so quickly? It's that pesky word again...CHANGE. 

Over the last 4 months I have been experiencing many different emotions - all of which are normal with change. The one that I am struggling the most with is the loss. Some of the more important things I have lost are my support system, how to measure my success, and my purpose. The biggest piece is the support system. I can learn to track my successes differently and my purpose will then become clear. Without a support system it is really hard for me to see clearly. As a result I have fallen into an endless loop, a downward spiral.
This explains the complaining (disappointment), the anger (fear), and the self-doubt. I am grieving. Now that I recognize my emotional state I can move forward. Doesn't mean I will stop grieving, it just means I now understand my underlying issues better. 

My next step will be to get a new support system in place so I am better equipped to cope with my emotional roller coaster. Ultimately I want to get to enjoying the EXCITEMENT I feel when I see all the new challenges I am facing!


"I'm trying to hold it together. Head is lighter than a feather looks like I'm not getting better. Wait. I'm coming undone. Irate. I'm coming undone. Too late. I'm coming undone. What looks so strong, so delicate."~ Korn

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