One Step Closer

Over the last week I have been singing lines from songs over and over in my head to express my feelings. "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage". "Crawling in my skin these wounds they will not heal". "I'm holding on to what I haven't got". "The hardest part of ending is starting again".

As I usually do when I am out of sorts, I started to analyze my situation. This time I turned to the books. Fourteen years ago I was advised by a therapist to read a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. Later the same day I learned I was pregnant with my first child and the book quickly became a distant memory.

Several years later, when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression I was referred to this book again. For whatever reason, I never read it. When my ex-husband and I attended marriage counseling, I was yet again referred to this book. This time I actually purchased the book, but being in crisis mode, never took the time to read it.

After my divorce I was once again referred to the book. This time I started reading it, only to quickly stop two chapters into it. Everything I was reading was far too real and I was feeling that if I had read it years ago perhaps I could have saved my marriage.

Yet again I find myself face to face with this daunting book. So far I have read to the end of Chapter 2. I cried with every word read, but this time I had an epiphany. I needed to look at why I am so angry.

Is it because I was mistreated by my ex-husband? Is it because I am mistreated at work? Is it because I have no one to share my life with? NO! These are all just things I am taking my anger out on.

I feel bitter and resentful because I am angry with myself. Over the years I conformed to what my ex-husband expected of me. I gave up my interests, my confidence, my abilities and my beliefs to keep my ex-husband happy. Essentially I gave up on myself.

Did he ask me to change for him? No. So now I realize that the cliff wall of 'Forgiveness' that I need to climb is not about forgiving the digressions made against me. I need to FORGIVE MYSELF.

My first step in climbing that cliff is to recognize that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I can't change the past, but I can learn from my mistakes. I need to develop a stronger "I". I need to recognize my accomplishments thus far.

Peace