He Who Must Not Be Named

With Halloween fast approaching I felt it would be appropriate to discuss fears. We all have them. Fear of spiders, heights, clowns, speaking in public. Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined.

I have a secret fear that not many people are aware of...it is called social anxiety disorder. This is the fear of what others will think of you - in my case - 'letting' others down or not living up to their expectations. In short - I am not good enough.

For the most part I go through my days with little to no impact regarding my disorder. I KNOW my job inside and out and I am confident in my abilities. At home I KNOW myself inside and out and am confident in my abilities. So, when do I have issues? When I participate in group activities - even if it is with people I know.

I know this sounds odd - and it is very strange for me because this is a new issue for me. I have never suffered from this issue prior to the breakdown of my marriage. Or perhaps I always suffered from it but because I was not self-aware I just avoided all social contact?? Either way, I have decided to write about my anxiety because like Lord Voldemort - the fear is perpetuated when you don't talk about it. When the fear is out in the open it loses its power. 

My anxiety has prevented me from doing many things. In the past these things were 'written off' as "not really important" or "I will catch the next one". In the end I got TIRED of always not doing things and sought help. One of the things I learned is that to break free from anxiety you must do the thing that makes you fearful. Right now, for me, that thing is my martial arts.

It sounds funny to say it aloud, but I am often terrified to go to my martial arts classes. On the days of my classes I start to get a stomach ache in the afternoon and by the time I get home from work I am sometimes actually sick to my stomach. But I know this is all irrational fear and I crank the tunes as I drive myself to class. Each class is different - sometimes as soon as I walk in the building I am fine and other times it takes about 15 minutes - but in the end I am ALWAYS fine!

So, why do I get so worked up? For me personally - I am afraid that I am not good enough and one day someone will say "how the heck did you even get your [whatever colour] belt - you don't belong in a black belt school!" I am afraid that I cannot meet the expectation to do 100 sit-ups or 100 push ups or 100 whatever. Is any of this rational? No! This is why it is a disorder.

For me the best medicine is to face my fears - to push myself to go and learn that even if I can't do what I believe is expected of me it doesn't mean that I am no good! As long as I have done the best that I can do I need to be happy with that. Each and every class I attend is a testament to my strength and determination to overcome this disorder and proof that I CAN do anything I set my mind to!

Peace