Opportunities

Okay, 3 mediocre dates, about 25 email rejections (I lost count after 20), and 1 dude forgot he had a date with me (WTF!) and I am beyond ready to throw in the towel! I am NOT cut out for this! It has been only 2 weeks and I am tired of it all!

For the first time ever I have made a decision to put my needs before those of others. Putting my needs first meant walking away from a situation that made me very happy and in turn disappointed someone who means a lot to me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am miserable and crying all the time. So seeking solace in my usual comforts I bought myself a book ~It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.

I like the book for many reasons. It makes me laugh, all the stories are true, and I can relate to many of the feelings which makes me realize I am not alone. Most of the stories are absolutely insane - which makes me feel proud of how well I am handling things. Although I must admit I have thought about doing some of the things in the book! Best of all the approaches in the book mirror my anxiety treatment.

In the book Greg Behrendt mentions that the best way to deal with a break up is to confront the pain. I know I am not dealing with break ups per say, but I can apply the concept to my feelings of rejection and hurt. Anyway, I digress, the book refers to pain like winning the lottery. When you win the lottery you have 2 options on how you want your payment - you can take a daily prize for the rest of your life or you can take it all in one lump sum and invest it how you see fit.

I am choosing to take the pain in one lump sum! This means that I need to remove myself from situations that allow me to continue destructive behaviours. Now that I have removed myself from the situation I can deal with the heart crushing pain.

Throughout my journey I believe that I have always done the right thing by taking the high road but whenever I did these things they were usually for someone else. Now that I am doing the 'right thing' for myself I question my decision. I feel guilty for letting down a good friend and not being good enough or strong enough for them.

Now is the time I need to remind myself that I realized I was in too deep and I recognized it was not healthy for me and I took the opportunity to get some perspective and reassess the situation. I am proud of how intuitive I have become and I am realizing that regardless of how painful and difficult this decision was for me to make it was the best decision for me at this time.

Peace