Not Meant for Me

Did you know that doing needle point with a cat on your lap is actually a warped form of extreme sport? If you are not accurate or fast enough, cross stitching quickly becomes a violent blood sport.

This post is perhaps one of my 'oldest' and most 'revisited' posts. For the most part I put pencil to paper and the words just flow out. This one has been in the "works" for months now (I have written about it in the past) and I am continuously reworking it. Why am I changing my behaviours with this 1 post? Simple - I don't want to sound like I am have some big "pity party" and no one was invited. I am not wallowing in self pity - I am angry.

I understand that anger is a secondary emotion. We all know I have done my due diligence to determine the true emotion behind my anger. That emotion is difficult for me to articulate. My gut would say betrayal, abandonment, or

disillusion but my "I see things from both sides of the fence" brain tells me that I should not be offended in any way - that these things just happen and life gets in the way.

Let's take a step back - for some time now I have needed a friend. There is nothing wrong, nothing is upsetting me, and there is nothing to work out. I just want to spend time with someone - IN PERSON - you know a real face-to-face conversation. I just need to connect with someone - not strangers - someone who already knows me. Someone I can be myself with. Someone I can relate to and hear about their life.

Unfortunately for months now no one has been available. This leaves me feeling trapped in this world, lonely and fading, heart broke and waiting for someone to be "free". These thoughts have only reinforced my feelings that I am trapped in a world that's not meant for me. I question if I belong anywhere. See this reads like a great big pity party - but it's not - in fact it's been a real eye opener for me. 

At first I reached out to those in my life only to have doors shut in my face. As the days and months passed anger set in. I started hating life and everyone in it. My anger has caused me to 'act out' in some bizarre ways - like removing myself from electronic communications. Once again I have been taught another lesson - one for some reason I have a hard time accepting - the only person I can count on is me.

Why is this lesson so hard for me to accept? I think it's because deep down inside all I really want is to have at least one person in my life that I KNOW will be there for me no matter what. Friendship is a 2-way street and not just about the bad times, its also about sharing the good times as well. Now I sit here angry and jaded questioning what exactly happened that caused me to feel this way.

Peace