I have always tried to add to everyone's pile of good things. I felt this was my "purpose" in life. I now feel that nothing I do is good enough for anyone. Everyone either wants more or is disappointed by what I bring to the table.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with my life. I have a great new job that I am truly enjoying. I am closer now to my kids than I have ever been. And I am gradually accepting that the only person I can count on is me. But now I question - if it's only me - what is my purpose in life?
Perhaps I am facing a mid-life crisis? Perhaps I have just spent too much time alone - who knows? All I know is everyone has dreams but very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend.
I'm tired of always having to be the one to "reach out" for help. I'm tired of always being the one to initiate and continue communication. Friends are people you stay in touch with, but it has to be 2-way communication.
Doing what I do best I have now pushed everyone in my life away. I have retreated once again. Why? Because I am tired of all the pain. Everyone leaves and I am left with an empty heart and no hope.
I find it amusing when people tell me that I am "cold and heartless". You see I am the exact opposite. My flaw - I care too much and get too emotionally attached to people. In addition I trust far too easily and can be too open. All of this makes it perplexing when I am told that I have "trust issues". To me having "trust issues" implies one has a lack of trust, not too much trust.
I am trying to choose my friends with greater care, but this is exactly what has gotten me in this mess. So here I sit wondering how to teach myself to become what others perceive me to be - cold, uncaring and unable to trust.
Peace
"Did you think it's cool to walk right up to take my life and fuck it up? Now did you?" ~ Static-X
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