Shake the Disease

Why is it that we want/ enjoy things that we can't have or are no good for us? This is a universal issue - I'm hard pressed to find anyone who "craves" a big juicy apple topped with a crunchy celery stick and slab of lettuce. I also doubt many bartenders have heard these words uttered "bartender! Give me a tall glass of water. I need to get hydrated!"

I haven't had a hamburger in a restaurant in years. When I eat out I usually take the healthier option of chicken. Last night I caved and ordered a blue cheese and bacon burger. Unfortunately I was greatly disappointed. Not only was the bun dry but so was the burger.

I suspect that not all temptations are quite as disappointing as my burger was, but this got me thinking. I think part of my anger is because I am disappointed with myself. I thought I could handle something but I couldn't. I believed I was strong enough to keep my emotional distance but I was wrong and ended up too emotionally involved.

Almost a year later and I am still "craving" something that is far worse for my well being than a cheeseburger and alcohol. Similar to my burger experience I know that giving in to my "temptations" will only result in great disappointment so I have to be resilient in my resolve, but it is difficult.

It's funny how the mind can justify and rationalize everything. You say that you have things under control that no one will get hurt but it's all a great big lie. Turns out the one who is getting hurt the most is you, without even knowing it. Like an addiction you can't stop your behaviours even though you know they are detrimental to you. The really sad part is in the end regardless of what happens you are left with a great deal of sadness.

Walking away, although difficult, was nothing compared to staying away. It's so easy to forget all the frustration and disappointment and remember all the good and fun things. Funny how soon we forget the things we don't want to remember.

I think what is bothering me the most is not only do I have no one in my life I can trust but now I can't even trust myself. I can't trust anything I see, hear or feel. It's this realization that makes my heart hurt and because I don't know how to change any of this I start to get angry.

Peace