Land Ho!

A couple of years ago I went on a date with a man who gave me a very strange reason for not wanting to see me again. He said that I was not truly over all the "changes" from my divorce. He went on to explain that I would not be completely "over it" until I returned to my "old" behaviours. What I took from this was people never change.

I listened to what he said but deep down inside I did not really believe him. Some 2+ years later and I now understand what he meant; although I still do not really believe his view point in regards to people not being able to change.

Over the last year I have slowly but surely returned to my "OLD" self. The one who puts EVERYONE ELSE's needs first. The me who says "don't worry about it", when her needs are ignored. The one who "stops talking" when interrupted or cut off in conversation. The one who "hides along the side of the room" instead of mingling in the centre. The one who "takes the path of least resistance". All of these behaviours have resulted in a person who buries her anger and frustrations - all because she is busy trying to please everyone but herself.

Everyone reacts to change differently. Some hide behind bad behaviours and others hide behind good behaviours. Yes, I believe that everyone "hides" during any type of change (good or bad). No one likes change, even the

people who see the "good" in the change have to adapt to the change if only for a few seconds. I know I adapted positive behaviours during my change and now I want them back!

It was so much easier to adapt the positive behaviours during my change because I welcomed the distraction. Changing my behaviours gave me "Focus" and "Direction", a purpose. Now that my change is complete I find it more difficult to maintain those positive behaviours. It's EASIER to be the "OLD" me - after all I have been doing it for 41 years! I have only been the "New" me for 4 years and let's be honest - they were not the greatest 4 years of my life.

As I write this I notice one thing about me has been constant over the last 5 years - this is my HOPE. Regardless of whether I am the "old me" or the "new me" I am optimistic that people (myself included) have the ability to change their behaviours if they CHOOSE to do so.

This leads me to believe that optimism is one of my core traits. I may not see the positive in every situation, every day, all the time; but I do believe that people as a whole are generally good, try to do good and try to be good.

As for me? I have a difficult journey ahead. To change course and to steer towards a land where I put ME first. A land where I take care of ME before everyone else. A land where MY happiness comes before others. A land where I can be that confident, assertive, strong person I know I am deep down inside. Just like a friend reminded me years ago - when the plane is going down you have to put on your oxygen mask first before you can assist anyone else.

If I don't take care of myself first I will be useless to anyone else.

Peace