Monday 18 August 2014

You Can't Handle the Truth

Around this time last year I wrote about giving up something that was very important to me - my martial arts. A year has passed, I miss it more than anything, and I am still ashamed to admit 'why' I had to give it up.

I am hoping that writing this will help me figure it out why I feel so ashamed by not being able to afford something. When I am unable to do something due to financial reasons, a flood of shame and despair wash over me. I get a knot in my stomach; my blood drains from my face and arms and sometimes tears well up in my eyes.

I know it sounds ridiculous but this is how I feel. Logically I understand that I cannot afford everything. It is not the 'everything' that makes me upset - if my kids asked for a boat I would feel no shame in saying 'we can't afford it'. No, I am referring to the little things in life - dinner out, movies and some weeks, groceries.

The breakdown of my marriage left me with a lot of debt. In the early days I did what I needed to get by which did not help reduce my debt; however, I was always careful to ensure that purchases I made in those early days were necessary. 

Last year we sat down as a family and built a budget. One year later I see the benefits - not going into debt for car repairs, clothes, and vacation - yet I still feel my heart break when I hear my kids say 'we're poor'. Even though I have shared the finances with them on several occasions to show that we are not poor I can appreciate how they feel. 

I don't want this to come off as a 'gripe' about not having enough money and the cost of living. I know I have a great job that pays well and I am choosing to do my best to eliminate my debt. My goal is to try to understand why I feel like a failure when I cannot afford things. Why can't I just say 'no thanks' or in my mind know that it's not in my budget and be fine with that? 

What bothers me the most is when there are other people involved. "Let's go for lunch" or "let's do this or that". When someone says 'you want something from Tim's?' and you know you only have 2 dimes and a nickel in your wallet it's embarrassing. I wish I could not be embarrassed by not having money. 

I find that now I am intentionally avoiding events, things with friends and life in general because I simply cannot afford to show up. I lie to everyone - myself included. I tell myself 'you didn't want to do that anyway'. I have no answers here. I don't know how to not be ashamed. Logically I know I shouldn't be ashamed since I am not careless with my money but for some reason I still do.

Peace

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