Jesus of Suburbia

Okay, so I have found the issue. I have an objective, a goal if you will. Still missing, a plan of action. Well, that is no entirely true. I have returned to doing things that made me happy in the past - blogging, walking, listening to music.

The other day I took a walk through my old survey. Walking through the neighbourhood I found it hard to believe that I once had a life there. Everything was so 'not me'. The large houses, big trucks in the driveways, wives walking around the property drinking their coffee most likely looking at the upcoming landscaping needs. As I took in all the sights there was an overwhelming feeling of 'not belonging' in this world.

I have a simpler life now where I don't feel the need to 'keep up with the Jones', which makes me happy. While I was thinking on my walk the expression "fake it 'til you make it" popped into my head. In all honestly I think that this is what has made me miserable. Being positive when I am feeling negative. Being strong when I am feeling weak. Telling family and friends that life is wonderful when I feel that it is all falling down around me.

Wow! That was melodramatic :-) (ahhhhh an emoji) Lesson for me - I don't like being fake. It doesn't work for me. It's kind of like bottling up my emotions. Having said this, I also know that I can't spew my toxicity on anyone and everyone who will listen. Which is why I believe I need the other outlets - blogging, walking, listening to music, photography...and so on.

It's now time to put myself first. Do things for me. This is the hardest thing for me. How do I stop doing for others? 

Peace

"Land of make believe. And it don't believe in me. Land of make believe and it don't believe. And I don't care!" ~ Green Day