Torch Song

Have you ever enjoyed a song so much that you were inclined to listen to it non-stop without getting sick of hearing it? Music is so subjective and can evoke emotional responses in people. This is one of the many reasons I like music so much. There are so many pieces of a song to enjoy. The lyrics, chorus, melody, and so on.

At times you can get so wrapped up in the song that you forget everything. Life stops and you are just suspended in time, hearing the music, listening to the words. A far less enjoyable experience can happen when you get stuck on an issue.

So much time can be spent hanging in limbo. Not moving forwards or backwards. Stuck. The nagging issue plays over and over in your head. Unlike a song, there is no enjoyable melody or meaningful lyrics. Just the constant beat of frustration. You know the answer is there somewhere. You just can't hear it for all the noise. You are so caught up in the issue it is hard to see anything else.

Often the best solution is to stop. Stop analyzing. Stop worrying. Stop fearing. Stop listening to that same song. It's one of the hardest things to do. To stop everything and TRUST that things will work out alright. Oddly enough as soon as you do stop and trust in yourself the answer appears.

Sometimes the answer is that you can never overcome the issue. All you can do is live the best life you can live without it and try your best to not let the issue rule your life. Remembering that life is not about the destination, it's about the journey.

I do know that how we deal with these challenges is what defines us. I am not perfect. I sometimes run and hide from the challenges that life brings my way. I tend to get lost and lose my way. I also know that I am getting better at finding my way when I get lost. I am learning to take corrective action when things 'feel' wrong for me, even if I don't know what this issue is. I am starting to trust myself and not put as much stock in what others tell me.

"Leave me, leave me to grieve."~AFI

Peace

This Time Imperfect

"I'd show a smile but I'm too weak. I'd share with you could I only speak. Just how much this hurts me."

Emotions. Can't live with them, can't get rid of them! Right about now I wish I could rip my emotions right out of my body somehow. After only 2 weeks of putting my needs first I am seeing positive changes, which pleases me immensely.

The yang to that yin is the resistance from others in my life. This has placed me on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am full of self-esteem, the next I am ashamed. Then I am proud, until my thought process kicks in and then I feel guilty. Not to mention the elation, followed by sadness. Oh, and then there is anger all by itself yelling at me for letting all these emotions mess with my head.

I have started to describe this phase as the 'detoxing' phase. As with any type of detox program one goes through the entire gambit of emotions - with anger and frustration at the forefront. Perhaps the most unsettling episodes for me are when I am all smiles and giggles and then in a puddle of tears seconds later. It's a challenge for me to not be transparent to those around me.

Change is never easy and I certainly have high expectations for myself. I am far less patient and forgiving of my own behaviours than I would be of others. At a weak moment, I mentioned these thoughts aloud and was surprised to hear that what I saw as weakness in myself was seen as strength by others. Hearing that the things I believe to be my greatest flaws were admired by others certainly caused me to look at my situation in a different light.

While I understand that the first step of any detox program is to let the emotions happen, this is the my least favourite part. The fluctuations of emotions is exhausting. Here's to hoping this is a short phase in my transformation.

Peace

"I cannot stay here. I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I make believe. Imagine heart, I disappear, seems no one will appear here and make me real" ~ AFI

Jesus of Suburbia

Okay, so I have found the issue. I have an objective, a goal if you will. Still missing, a plan of action. Well, that is no entirely true. I have returned to doing things that made me happy in the past - blogging, walking, listening to music.

The other day I took a walk through my old survey. Walking through the neighbourhood I found it hard to believe that I once had a life there. Everything was so 'not me'. The large houses, big trucks in the driveways, wives walking around the property drinking their coffee most likely looking at the upcoming landscaping needs. As I took in all the sights there was an overwhelming feeling of 'not belonging' in this world.

I have a simpler life now where I don't feel the need to 'keep up with the Jones', which makes me happy. While I was thinking on my walk the expression "fake it 'til you make it" popped into my head. In all honestly I think that this is what has made me miserable. Being positive when I am feeling negative. Being strong when I am feeling weak. Telling family and friends that life is wonderful when I feel that it is all falling down around me.

Wow! That was melodramatic :-) (ahhhhh an emoji) Lesson for me - I don't like being fake. It doesn't work for me. It's kind of like bottling up my emotions. Having said this, I also know that I can't spew my toxicity on anyone and everyone who will listen. Which is why I believe I need the other outlets - blogging, walking, listening to music, photography...and so on.

It's now time to put myself first. Do things for me. This is the hardest thing for me. How do I stop doing for others? 

Peace

"Land of make believe. And it don't believe in me. Land of make believe and it don't believe. And I don't care!" ~ Green Day