Emotions. Can't live with them, can't get rid of them! Right about now I wish I could rip my emotions right out of my body somehow. After only 2 weeks of putting my needs first I am seeing positive changes, which pleases me immensely.
The yang to that yin is the resistance from others in my life. This has placed me on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I am full of self-esteem, the next I am ashamed. Then I am proud, until my thought process kicks in and then I feel guilty. Not to mention the elation, followed by sadness. Oh, and then there is anger all by itself yelling at me for letting all these emotions mess with my head.
I have started to describe this phase as the 'detoxing' phase. As with any type of detox program one goes through the entire gambit of emotions - with anger and frustration at the forefront. Perhaps the most unsettling episodes for me are when I am all smiles and giggles and then in a puddle of tears seconds later. It's a challenge for me to not be transparent to those around me.
Change is never easy and I certainly have high expectations for myself. I am far less patient and forgiving of my own behaviours than I would be of others. At a weak moment, I mentioned these thoughts aloud and was surprised to hear that what I saw as weakness in myself was seen as strength by others. Hearing that the things I believe to be my greatest flaws were admired by others certainly caused me to look at my situation in a different light.
While I understand that the first step of any detox program is to let the emotions happen, this is the my least favourite part. The fluctuations of emotions is exhausting. Here's to hoping this is a short phase in my transformation.
Peace
"I cannot stay here. I cannot leave. Just like all I loved, I make believe. Imagine heart, I disappear, seems no one will appear here and make me real" ~ AFI
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