Trust In You

"I am the one, your help I’ve refused. Your offering hand just set off the fuse. Too proud to beg, too stubborn to try."

Trust. It is the one thing that I have not been able to get back. After all these years I still don't fully trust. I have let my wall down slightly for certain people, only to build it right back up again. This year has been particularly rough for me. I feel as if I have no one in my life to share my deepest darkest fears. 

I know that this might sound a bit strange. Once upon a time I used to have someone in my life to share my fears, losses, and excitement. I now realize that the receiver of this information didn't always get it, at the time it didn't really matter to me, I believed whether they got it or not they always had my back. I was wrong.

These days I struggle to find someone who will always 'have my back'. Or are there people in my life who will always 'have my back' and I just don't trust that they will be there for me? I have constantly heard that people will always put their needs/wants first. I have also been told that I am cynical. Perhaps I am cynical because the people that I chose to listen to fed me incorrect information. Which has brought me full circle - who do I trust? 

Parts of my support system are no longer available to me because I don't trust any more. I need a new support system. How does one get a support system when one does not trust?

So, I start with myself - what is holding me back from letting down my wall? Fear! Fear that I will be seen as weak, incompetent, insane (although there may be some truth to this), unfit, and so on. Ultimately, it all boils down to making myself vulnerable and the fear that the receiver will reject me.

While I understand my emotional challenges are only a small part of me, it is not easy for me to reveal my fears to others. Our culture sees fear as weakness. I personally believe that my ability to recognize my fear makes me stronger than those who 'bury' their fear. 

My path is now clear, to do what I always do, analyze my fears and determine the best way to face them. 

Peace

"I want to move on. I want to have hope. So I’m willing to change. I’m going to try to show I am strong enough to trust in you. Pull me up, cause I am ready." ~ The Offspring