Go Left Right?

After a brief hiatus I am back in full swing! A photo crawl yesterday brought back my passion for photography and my enjoyment of my creative/ artistic side. I know, I know this all sounds very corny, but it is true.

When you stop doing something you love other things in your life start to wither and die. You can still enjoy life and be happy, but being able to do something that is a true passion to you is like a free drug. There is nothing more exhilarating than partaking in that passion.

Throughout my journey I have rediscovered old passions - like photography - and discovered new passions - like writing and martial arts. As I sit here with pencil to paper I contemplate how my 'true' passions are all connected.

Prior to yesterday the last time I went on a photo shoot was in February! Now I have taken many pictures in between, but being out with others who enjoy the art is a different experience. Over the months that passed my camera lay on the shelf collecting dust. As my camera collected dust I found my passion for writing starting to 'wither' as well.

Now I have never been a writer. As you all know this is new to me and came about as an attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone. But as I write this post I am filled with such joy and familiarity! It is like finding a long lost friend on Facebook.

And how is all this connected you might wonder....well perhaps you wouldn't wonder, but I certainly wondered. I don't really know other than going out on my photo crawl resurrected my creative juices and next thing you know I am back!

To be honest I have been thinking about taking up writing again for some time, but yesterday was the little push that I needed. I have been walking along a fence for several months now. I have been balancing my sense of self with my children's grief. I have been balancing my needs with the needs of others...it was only a matter of time before I toppled over the edge.

Actually I never really toppled, I sort of JUMPED! For what ever reason I chose the "left" side of the fence rather than the "right" side. I don't believe that either side was any better, just different, but I know that the side I jumped to was the RIGHT side...

Because the side I chose was ME!

Peace

The End

I have heard my sensei ask the class on more than one occasion "who wants to earn their black belt?". Everyone in the class raises their hand but me. Truth be told I really have no interest in earning my black belt. I am enjoying the journey far too much.

I honestly believe that my heart and soul are already of 'black belt' quality. This goes beyond being a 'good person'. When faced with situations I have always chosen to take the 'high road' and be respectful, even when respect has not been granted to me. I have risen to many challenges and surpassed these obstacles. I have learned that I am the only person that I can count on and I have the ability to CHOOSE how I deal with anything life hands me.

It is this inner core value that has brought me to this difficult decision - to stop writing. When I started writing over a year ago it was to grieve, heal and forgive. Although my journey has not completely ended, this piece of it has.

While I was focused on my own well being and recovery I was not always aware of those around me, but with self awareness comes clarity. With this new clarity I see my children have begun to realize their own loss over the family situation and have started grieving. Thankfully I am now a more confident, self-assured person and I know I will have no problems supporting my children through their own grieving periods.

The reason I am choosing not to write is out of respect for my children. Writing about my own fears, hope & dreams, strengths & weaknesses is one thing, but writing about my fears regarding my children is a different story.

I would like to thank all my readers for their support. I have had so many emails from readers from all over the world! Some memorable emails have come from New Zealand, Japan, and Argentina. As well as family and friends in Canada and the US. I have appreciated everyone's comments, concerns and especially critiques. I thank each and every one of you!

I will continue to journal when I feel the need - and who knows - perhaps I will be back before you even realize I was gone. Until then I CHOOSE to be useful.

~May your love never end and if you need a friend there's a seat here along side me - Linkin Park

Peace

The Fence Sitter

My youngest child is forever asking me about my favourites. Although on an emotional level I am an extreme person, on a like/ dislike level I am a "fence sitter". I don't have a favourite food, car, colour, or animal. Nor do I hate any food, car, colour, or animal. They all have their positive and negative traits.

Speaking of hate - I have always found this to be such a harsh and finalizing word. I interpret the word "hate" to mean that there are absolutely no positive aspects to the object - but I believe if you look hard enough you can always find something positive. There are many things that I dislike or will not tolerate, but I am hard pressed to name any thing I truly hate. Actions or behaviours however are a different story.

As I become more self aware and more in tune with my core values I find my tolerance of disrespect has diminished exponentially. Many years ago I learned that you cannot advocate for others, so now I advocate for myself. My first steps are to put my needs first.

A friend of mine reminded me that putting my needs first is not selfish, but mandatory. This was easily explained using the airplane emergency procedures - adults must put on the oxygen mask first, then assist children. Simply put - if you can't breathe you are no good to anyone.

I am not very good at putting my needs first. Too many times I have re-arranged/ cancelled/ missed events that were important to me in order to "be there" for a friend/ family member/ acquaintance. In turn I often find that I have no one there for me when I need them.

Does this mean that I have bad friends? Not at all. It means that I have friends who are putting their needs first and I need to start doing the same. I need to feel equally good about choosing to do something or choosing NOT to do something. I need to choose what is best for me at that time.

I have spent so much of my life trying to "keep the peace" that I resigned all my needs. Now if asked, other than the basic needs of life, I couldn't tell you what I NEED. Right now I am learning some of my likes/ dislikes by trying new things. I am learning some of my needs by trial and error and how the outcome affects my self esteem.

So for now I choose to be MOTIVATED not manipulated.

Peace

The Other Side of the Mountain

I have learned that sometimes it is important to stop and see how far I have traveled. When you are in the midst of things it is hard to see your accomplishments. This is why, no matter how big or small they are, it is important to acknowledge your achievements.


Last week I reached my destination - the end of my journey - the top of the mountain. For 3 glorious days I was full of self esteem. I was assertive, without being aggressive. I was putting my needs before the needs of others. And when things went 'wrong' I just found a way to move around that road block.


The thing I enjoyed the most about these days was the inner peace. Not only did I feel calm, cool and collected, but I WAS all these things and more. Being at the top of that mountain however was a bit like being in toe shoes on a ball on top of a spire. For a person who lacks the 'co-ordination' gene it was only a matter of time before I toppled over, and topple over I did.


But rather than worry about my fall, I have decided to pick myself up, dust myself off, and practice balancing. Some people have the natural gift of grace and balance, but for me this is all new. Rather than beat myself up about what I "should" know how to do I am looking at all I "HAVE" done so far.

I realize that I have "tooted" my own horn more than a few times in my posts but the accomplishments I am reflecting on this time are deeper, more spiritual than loosing weight or getting my green belt. They are about reinforcing and following through on my core values. Basically I choose.


I choose to live by choice. I choose to change. I choose to excel. I choose to be useful. I choose self-esteem. I choose to be respectful. I choose to listen to my inner voice. I choose to put my needs first.


I am not naive enough to believe that I can control my life, but I do believe that I can control how I deal with what life has in store for me. I get to choose how I will react, how I will deal with the situation, and how I will handle things going forward. I may never be happy with the outcome of the situation but how I will let it affect me will ALWAYS be my choice.


Ultimately life is all about the journey, not the destination and it is important to savor the bad times as well as the good because it is the "bad times" that brings out the best in all of us. It is from the 'bad' things that we learn. 


Peace

When I Grow Up...

I don't remember ever wanting to be anything when I grew up. There are times that I recall wanting to be a police psychologist or an animal lab technician, but I don't ever remember having a "dream" of what I wanted to be when I grew up.


Recently I was asked "if I could do any job in the world, what would it be?" What a hard question to answer. My current job is really the only job I have had (aside from part-time school jobs). I have been with the same company for almost 21 years. I don't KNOW anything different than this job.


So, being the "me" that only I can be, I did some research. I "polled" some friends to see what job they could see me doing and what job would make me happiest. The answers I received were very interesting. No two answers were the same; however, each answer had 1 commonality - "nailing" my personality! They all knew that whatever job I did I would not be happy if I were not analyzing, challenged and trying to solve the 'unsolvable' problem.


Interesting how others know me sometimes better than I know myself. My answer to the original question was - "a medical researcher" or "a forensic scientist". But the job that I think would make me happiest would be a photojournalist or to own a used book shop/coffee house.


I have reached a point in my journey where I am questioning everything in my life. One of those things is my job. Is it the "right fit" for me? I am starting to see that so much of my life I did things because I was "supposed to" not because I "chose to". So often I put other's wishes and desires before my own. Now that I have the opportunity to focus on what I WANT TO DO, I really have no idea what that is. I have spent my entire life knowing only what I know - how can anyone know what they don't know.


With personal interests it is relatively easy to find something you like. Many places allow you to try one or two classes for 'free' to see if you are interested. Unfortunately jobs are not like that. Once you leave your job there is no turning back. You need to be sure that the 'new job' is what you want.


I find the entire concept foreign and overwhelming. My last job interview was almost 21 years ago. So I will do what I do best - research, analyze and determine what I want to do. I choose...to live by CHOICE, not by CHANCE.


Peace 

It's Not Easy Being Green

When my kids were in karate when it came to belt testing time they were required to complete an essay about why they felt they were ready to move to the next belt level. As an adult I thought that I would be exempt from this practice. I was wrong.

Writing an essay would be easy for me. This time instead of an essay I have to give a report card regarding my progress in the areas of form, fitness, self defense, commitment, respect and confidence. Wow! Now that is a challenge for many different reasons.

The first reason is in karate, as with life, you can always do better - there is no perfect. Add to that I am my own worst enemy. But rather than go on about why this task is so difficult I will focus on the things I do well and where I believe I can make the most improvements.

I know that I am working very hard at becoming more physically fit, but I can't do it all in 3 months. I perhaps don't work out as often as I "should" but I do work out as often as I "can". And when I am doing whatever form of exercise whether it be karate, boot camp or a simple walk I put my best effort into it. I give it my all at that point in time. Am I going to beat myself up because I am not doing as much as I "should"? No. I am pleased with my progress because I know that I am trying my hardest. Can I improve my fitness level? Absolutely. But again - it is not going to happen overnight.

Another area I am proud of is my commitment. I may not have the best attendance record or the highest number of classes but I weighed all the pros and cons of returning to karate for many months prior to starting up again. I knew that returning was a huge commitment. Being a newly single mum and doing things for me has caused a great deal of disruption in my family life. Through all the tears and the "mummy don't goes" karate continues to win out. My children are still learning but are starting to understand how important this is to me. Again, I may not be as committed as I "should" but I am certainly as committed as I "can" be at this point in time.

Overall the area that I feel I need the most improvement in is my confidence. Right now I feel like a kid who has skipped a grade. I feel that I need 3 more months of training before I can even consider testing for my green belt. I feel that I have not earned the privilege of green. I feel that I have so much that I don't know that I should already know and will be expected to know at an intermediate level.

As I re-read what I have written so far it is becoming apparent that my own inner conflict appears to be with "pleasing my sensei" vs. "pleasing myself" or "should" vs. "can". When I remove the "should" from the equation and ask myself where I "could" improve I believe my report card may have been slightly different from the one that was handed in for my belt testing.

Well, if I have learned anything throughout my journey it is that nobody is perfect. When you make a mistake rather than beat yourself up about it, try to figure out where you went wrong and how you can fix it to prevent it from happening again.

I will keep this in mind when I write my report card for my purple belt.

Peace

It's a Jungle Out There

 Animals. Oddly enough I find that most people either love animals or they don't. You rarely see people who have pets 'just because'. There are many people who don't have pets because of their lifestyle - which is smart - but who truly love animals. Like children, the thing with pets is you don't realize how much you love them until you have one.

I have never owned a dog, but from the dogs I have known their wants seem to be clearly interpreted. They want food, a walk, company, attention - basically just to be loved. Dogs will display their unhappiness by growling or barking. Cats on the other hand are not as easy to read. A cat can approach you, want to be pet and cuddled and 2 seconds later rip your face off! It doesn't mean that they don't want to be loved - they do, just as much as a dog does - they are just different.

I have had many cats throughout my lifetime. Like people, each cat has its own personality and no 2 cats have been the same. Yes there are some traits that all of my cats have had but really each one has been different.

 

Sometimes cats get a bad wrap for being "stand-offish", aloof and picky. Dogs are often seen as more outgoing, friendly and sociable. I honestly do not believe one is better than the other - they are just different.

Like people, animals have different traits. Most people pick a pet that "fits" with their personality type and lifestyle. Whether it be a dog for their companionship, devotion, and protection. Or a cat for their independence, curiosity and affection. There is no right or wrong choice, it is just what works best for you.

Why is it that people can be so tolerant of their pets unique characteristics yet be so narrow minded about the characteristics that make us each unique individuals?

Simple answer - because people try to be something that they are not. Imagine buying a cute little puppy at a pet store and bringing it home. You spend years caring for it, raising it and loving it and in 5 years you realize you have a fully grown snake (or a spider or lizard). There is nothing wrong with these animals but when you bought the puppy you were expecting a dog.

I think that I am going to take a lesson from the animals on this one and be true to ME so I don't get returned to the pet store.

Peace