Rock Me Amadeus

Well, what can I say? It's been one hell of a year! I have been pushing myself so much, learning so much, adjusting to so many changes and all while coping with everything. So I have spent the last few months simply basking in the glow of my hard work.

Knowing myself as well as I do, this time will come to an end, so for now I will enjoy my peacefulness. Funny thing is when I am happy I have a very hard time writing. I feel as if every idea I put on paper is silly or boastful. I start writing and never finish because there is no apparent "moral" to the story, no lesson to learn, just the ramblings of a crazy cat lady.

The other day I was listening to an '80's weekend on the radio. The DJ was talking about all the "hidden" meanings in the songs of the '80's. Most of the lyrical references I had already heard at some point in time. One thing the DJ mentioned however surprised me - that the word "rock" was often used in songs in place of the banned word "fuck". Well, after hearing that I can't help but giggle when I listen to certain songs.

Just like the "hidden" meaning in these songs, the things I write are seldom what they seem. When I write I feel vulnerable and raw - like everyone who reads my posts knows 'who' I am talking about, 'what' transpired, and 'how' I behaved in each and every situation. When in reality the majority of the time people make a 'best guess' about what I write based on what they know about me, recent stories I may have told, or they base my writing on their own experiences.

What I am learning is the "moral" or "lesson" of the story does not really matter because each person who reads my posts draws their own conclusion. Each person interprets what I write in their own personal way. I think this is fabulous!

My new challenge is to write without having any issues. To write about the happy, boring, ho-hum, everyday peaceful things in my life that make me smile.

"One day soon I'll make him mine. Then I'll have candy all the time." ~ Bow Wow Wow

Peace

Solitary Man

For months I have had nothing to say, nothing to write and no stories to tell. It's the first day of a new year and my brain is so overwhelmed with 'chatter' that I don't even know where to start. 

A brand new year was not the trigger for these thoughts, it was an evening spent with old friends. My friends are GREAT and I LOVE them all dearly but for some reason this year's festivities felt different to me. It's hard to describe because I really had a lot of fun laughing, listening to everyone's stories and just spending time with my friends, but I left feeling empty and hollow inside. Like the entire evening was superficial like Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Special.

So my reason for writing this is not to get my friends upset, rather share my feelings of not belonging. I have come to understand that my blogging is a form of self-care, a way of unloading some of the pain that I am carrying - which is important when I am hurting - it is my way of reaching out. See, I have learned a lot and I have also learned to not feel guilty about sharing my feelings.

I have tried making friends with single people but I am often too 'vanilla' for these people. Oh the stories I could tell you about the places I have been...it would make for some competition for 50 Shades, let me tell you. While these adventures make for some great story telling, they are NOT for me. I admit it. I WANT vanilla! I like vanilla and I don't see any problem with wanting to be or being vanilla.

The world however has this perception that vanilla is boring. With all the 1000s of other flavours out there why would anyone pick boring vanilla? You see I like vanilla because it goes with anything. Not only that you can have it plain or you can put TONS of toppings on it - there is SO MUCH POTENTIAL with vanilla - whereas the other flavours, well they are specific flavours.

I guess what this all boils down to is that it has been 4 years now and I am still single. Not only am I still single but odds are now that I will remain single - which absolutely breaks my heart because I KNOW that I was not designed to be alone forever. So what does this have to do with my New Year's Eve? I think I am so upset because I feel like a failure, a disappointment, a loser - all because I am single.

Yes you read that right. Me; the intelligent, attractive, strong person you know me to be just said that. You see, I cannot compete in a society where everyone is so easily disposable and replaceable with the click of a button. With all the many flavours of ice cream to try - vanilla will ALWAYS be the LAST choice - and I am no one's LAST choice! But I am what I am, which is why I stopped dating months ago.

Logically I know that being single does not make one a failure, a disappointment or a loser. It is difficult to never have a negative thought enter your mind - especially when you meet with your married friends year after year and each time you are still single...on the plus side; this has gotten me writing again.

Peace

"Don't know that I will but until I can find me the girl man who'll stay and won't play games behind me. I'll be what I am. A solitary [wo]man, solitary [wo]man." ~ Neil Diamond

Another One Bites the Dust

Yet another year has come and gone. Time to take stock of our accomplishments and failures. Did you know that New Year's Resolutions are not a part of a belief system?

My kids asked me what my New Year's Resolution was, and I said 'I don't believe in making resolutions'. I then got a lecture on how resolutions are not like Santa - you don't believe in them or not. What I probably should have said was 'I don't believe that resolutions should only be made on New Year's Day'.

I believe that self improvement is an ongoing process that should not be defined by the first day of a new year only to be forgotten by the 14th day. The beautiful thing about life is that we are given EVERY day as a 'do over'. That gives each person the opportunity to resolve to do something different each and every day that they wake up breathing.

My kids understood what I was saying, adults, not so much. They have a hard time understanding why I constantly 'believe' that I have to change who I am. They want to know 'why' I can't be happy with who I am the way I am. Interesting question. Difficult to answer because I am happy with who I am.

Here's the thing though, a really BIG part of me is an internal drive to continuously learn. I can be learning anything, facts, figures, science, or math; to me it makes no difference as long as I find it interesting. Right now I am very interested in learning about me. I want to learn more coping skills - yoga, meditation. I want to learn why I do what I do - personality types. I want to learn how to face my fears - cognitive behaviour therapy.

Why do people play team sports? Fish? Knit? Partake in any hobby? Is it because they don't like who they are? I enjoy my hobbies because they are fun, occupy my time and allow me to get out of the 'day to day' rut we call life - if it wasn't all these things it would be a chore and not a hobby. As strange as it sounds - personal growth is my newest hobby. I shall enjoy my new hobby until another one draws my focus and attention.

Peace

Wishing everyone a healthy and prosperous 2014!

Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

Christmas - it has always been my favourite holiday. Whether you are young or old, snow or no snow, there is something magical about the Christmas season. People laugh when I say I believe in Santa Claus. To me, he is everywhere - the kind gestures strangers display during the holiday season.

You see, I believe in Christmas spirit, otherwise labelled as Santa. I try to continue this 'spirit' year round, which is not always easy. It's hard to remember that sometimes a smile, friendly gesture, or simple conversation can make another person's day. We often get so wrapped up in our day to day things that we take others around us for granted.

I have often fallen into the 'trap' of the mundane daily rut - which feels like everything you do is a 'chore' or a 'man I have to do xyz'. The thing is, while these activities may be a non-negotiable tasks, the way in which they are perceived is 100% my choice. I have gotten very good at seeing the 'bright side' of these tasks and viewing them in a positive light.

The piece of the puzzle that I am starting to realize I have neglected is 'sharing' my positive energy. Not by 'converting people' to my way of thinking but rather opening my heart and giving freely. I have been so hurt and misunderstood by people around me (old and new) that I have built up so many barriers to protect myself.

Walls, they do such an excellent job preventing the bad from coming in. The thing is they also prevent the good from coming out. If I'm all about two-way communication with friends it is only logical that I become two-way about sharing my positive thoughts.

I don't believe in New Year's resolutions - but I do believe in Christmas spirit - so what better time than Christmas Day to resolve to live every day of the year as if it were Christmas!

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” 
~ Charles Dickens

Peace

Master & Servant

I have been spending a great deal of time in waiting rooms over the last few months. Many different magazines are common place in most waiting rooms. The other day an article title on the cover of Men's Health caught my eye. The article was about an intense 10 minute muscle building work out that I really want to try, but I digress...the smaller, less noticeable title beside it was Will She Sleep with You? Find Out!

I know, curiosity killed the cat, but who could resist the temptation. I quickly thumbed to page 52 and was slightly disappointed. There was no article per se, rather a simple flow chart. The flow chart began with meeting the woman for a FIRST date. There were 4 simple yes/ no questions and paths to follow that left me giggling out loud in a waiting room full of people. The flow chart was written by a woman. The contributing expert was a male PhD in Non-Verbal Studies.

Four simple signs to easily and quickly tell if your date will sleep with you on the FIRST DATE. Hold on to your seats ladies and gentlemen for I am going to reveal the great secret.

1. If she doesn't chat with you while eating her dinner - you ain't gettin' any.
2. If she doesn't go to the wash room while on the date - sorry about your luck.
3. If she goes to the wash room and does not apply lipstick - best pay the bill and head out.
4. Upon 'wrapping' up the evening if she doesn't grab your leg or stroke your hair - WTF???

The best part was the last BONUS step. If all the above answers were NO - ask her to sleep with you anyway! Apparently 50% of women will forgive a man who is too forward. Hmmm, I guess 50% is better than ZERO! As I sat there shaking my head and feeling bad for every man who read this flow chart and took it as gospel I noticed a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the page. The font was so small I had to take my glasses off to read it.

The disclaimer stated that 90% of women need at least 3 dates to decide if they want to sleep with a man. NOW I KNOW WHERE THE 3rd DATE RULE CAME FROM!!!! I knew there had to be some reason practically EVERY man I have met expected me to spread em' on the 3rd date! Now correct me if I am wrong but deciding to sleep with a man and sleeping with a man are 2 very different things!

While nothing I read in this article came as a great surprise to me I was slightly disappointed to see that a woman wrote the article. It was a bit disheartening to realize that there are women who perpetuate such garbage. No wonder men have a hard time understanding women - women don't even understand other women.

"I got your back Jack. Bitches be crazy" ~ Sheldon Cooper

Peace

All the Strange Strange Creatures

Anger is an emotion I have worked very hard at keeping out of my life. I have a hard time seeing the value in getting angry about things. Perhaps anger is not the right word, holding a grudge may be a 'better fit'. Most of the time I feel that there is nothing that can change the outcome of events, so you might as well get on board. Better to be on the bus than under it.

Many people ask me why I find Doctor Who so entertaining. Aside from the awesome story lines, fabulous actors and the overall concept, I would have to say that Doctor Who has taught me one of the most important lessons of life.

"Sometimes you fail, sometimes you screw up, and sometimes you try your very hardest, do your very best and it still isn't enough." Depending on which Doctor you are it is at this time you pick yourself up, dust off your jacket/ tie your shoelace/ straighten your bow tie, and move on!

I have known my behaviours for a long time; however, I often try to change them rather than accept them. My recent withdrawal from civilization is common for my personality type, which has "been known to cut off a relationship or friendship and not look back". Once I acted on my 'gut' behaviours I quickly realized my anger had stemmed from trusting someone who offered me hope and then took it away. Now that's enough to make anyone dangerous - never mind me.

I have learned that what I focus on is what becomes 'real' for me. So instead of focusing on what I perceive to be my 'bad' behaviours I am focusing on accepting my behaviours as 'what is right for me'. As I started feeling my emotions rather than focusing on 'why I had these emotions' I was able to move on.

The more I started to accept my behaviours as 'right for me' the more my anger started to dissipate. As my anger started to fade, I started to forgive myself. As I forgave myself I started to accept who I am. While this is somewhat of a process, the more I accept myself the happier I realize I am. Recently my level of happiness has moved to a higher level. For almost a month now I have been ecstatic. My heart has been swelling so much I feel as if it might burst.

I love everything in my life, about my life and who I am. I am proud of the fabulous job I have done in regards to my self development. I am aware that I have done wonders with my self esteem and now it is time to pause and simply enjoy my victories. I am at peace.

Peace
Warning: Prolonged exposure to Doctor Who music may cause multiple side effects. These may include growing a spine, standing up for yourself, developing a strong sense of justice, loving liberty & freedom, becoming easily angered with righteous fury when facing down tyrants and criminals, and forming strong bonds with family and friends.

Slept So Long

"The way I see it every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant." ~ Doctor Who

I have always tried to add to everyone's pile of good things. I felt this was my "purpose" in life. I now feel that nothing I do is good enough for anyone. Everyone either wants more or is disappointed by what I bring to the table.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with my life. I have a great new job that I am truly enjoying. I am closer now to my kids than I have ever been. And I am gradually accepting that the only person I can count on is me. But now I question - if it's only me - what is my purpose in life?

Perhaps I am facing a mid-life crisis? Perhaps I have just spent too much time alone - who knows? All I know is everyone has dreams but very few are going to achieve them, so why pretend.

I'm tired of always having to be the one to "reach out" for help. I'm tired of always being the one to initiate and continue communication. Friends are people you stay in touch with, but it has to be 2-way communication.

Doing what I do best I have now pushed everyone in my life away. I have retreated once again. Why? Because I am tired of all the pain. Everyone leaves and I am left with an empty heart and no hope.

I find it amusing when people tell me that I am "cold and heartless". You see I am the exact opposite. My flaw - I care too much and get too emotionally attached to people. In addition I trust far too easily and can be too open. All of this makes it perplexing when I am told that I have "trust issues". To me having "trust issues" implies one has a lack of trust, not too much trust.

I am trying to choose my friends with greater care, but this is exactly what has gotten me in this mess. So here I sit wondering how to teach myself to become what others perceive me to be - cold, uncaring and unable to trust.

Peace

"Did you think it's cool to walk right up to take my life and fuck it up? Now did you?" ~ Static-X