I have started back on my journey up the mountain. I have now exited the woods and my path is clear; however, I am unclear as to 'how' to proceed. In front of me stands a vertical cliff wall with no trail, just one word etched in its face, "Forgiveness".
For the past couple of days now my horoscope has eluded to the fact that I need to let go of the betrayal and resentment in my life and move on. I am struggling with this. Every time I tell myself to just 'let it go' I have a flash of anger and I quickly become enraged by the unfairness of it all.
The reason I have such a hard time 'just letting it go' is that each and every betrayal feels like sledge hammer shattering my soul. I liken my soul to a crystal - after it has been shattered all that remains are the broken shards lodged in my heart.
I have done an 'okay' job of welding the pieces of crystal back together, but now my soul is not a whole crystal anymore. Similar to a stained glass window, it still shines, but the pieces of my soul lay between ribbons of lead which are holding it together. My fear is that eventually the lead will replace all the crystal and my soul will no longer shine.
When I try to let go of the resentment and forgive the shards of crystal wedged in my heart hurt. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I need to stop for fear that my heart will break. I am now wondering if perhaps I need to endure the pain so that the crystal shards can work their way out of my heart - allowing it to heal - and one day love again.
So, here I sit, wondering how to begin climbing the cliff face. This is something that I am still working through as I write these words, so I have no 'positive attitude' or 'silver lining' for you my friends. All I see is graffiti written on the base of the cliff wall saying things like 'trust no one', 'each man for himself' and 'watch your back'.
I have no doubt that I will muddle my way through this next hurdle, but I am not naive, I believe that this will be one of the most difficult stages I will have to conquer. One day, when I have scaled this cliff wall, I know that I will end up being a better person for it - I just hope that I am able to keep the bitterness at bay until I reach the top.
Peace
To quote the 80's pop sensation Howard Jones "What is love anyway?".
I recently changed my online dating profile to reflect what I 'thought' I wanted in a potential partner. As a result I have moved away from the "jock" types and ventured into the land of the "intellect".
This has been quite an exciting and eye-opening experience for me. As soon as I changed my "what I find most attractive" from "eyes" to intelligence I had a sudden influx of emails and coffee dates.
I have had many stimulating and thought provoking conversations. Meeting this "new to me" breed of men has made me realize that there is a fine line between 'appreciating the arts' and being 'eccentric' (eclectic v.s. wacko).
As I continue on my journey to move outside of my comfort zone and explore new things in life I have made an honest attempt to learn more about the arts, but I am not quite ready to give up Disney for Indy.
I am amazed at how many of these men don't watch tv, never mind own one. Several of them told me flat out that they could not see me again because I watched tv. While I find the conversations interesting they have quickly become mind numbing for me a la Sheldon on Big Bang Theory.
Another 'deal breaker' that has come up with a few men is what love means to them. The general idea is that love is not a emotion (how you feel) or how you are treated, but rather it is an action (what the person does for you). It was explained to me in 2 different ways - the first one being - love is like a car. If you love it you will keep it clean, change the oil and wash it even when it doesn't need washing. The other explanation was that if I love someone I will make their lunch, draw their bath and ensure that all their needs were met.
What have I learned from these men? That everyone has a different idea of what love is and somewhere out there is someone who believes that love is the same thing that I believe it to be - snuggling up on the couch and watching cartoons.
If there is one thing to take away from this - it is that Love is...
Peace
I sometimes wonder if my ex-husband had not left me would I have ever started to learn all the things I have learned about myself and life over the last year? I like to think that I would have, but not as quickly. I know that before the crap hit the proverbial fan I was already starting to change, but it was at a very slow pace and I was constantly questioning my reasons for change.
Which I now find very strange. As I sit here and write I feel that I am not changing fast enough. I feel that I take 1 step forward and 4 steps back. At this rate I will never make it to the top of the mountain.
In all honesty I am exaggerating. I think in reality I am progressing 2-4 steps forward and 1 step back - but regardless I feel that I have hit a plateau. Hitting a plateau is normal - everyone needs to rest once in a while because climbing a mountain is exhausting!
I have hit several plateaus throughout my journey, but this one is different because I can see the top of the mountain so clearly from where I stand! The other plateaus were so far down that mountain that I felt I would never reach the top.
So here is my dilemma, I feel like I have been climbing for 16 hours, but I only have 6 more to go. Do a pitch a tent and rest for a while? Or do I keep on trekking on my journey? Logically I know the smart thing to do is to sleep, but the kid in me keeps saying "just keep climbing". But then reality steps in and says "it may only be 6 more hours but this is the steepest part of the journey and there are no paths to follow, you need to climb the face of the mountain".
So, I have pitched my tent on the trail and wait to continue my journey. I guess this is why "Patience is a virtue" and "Good things come to those who wait". Once I am well rested I will begin my journey again.
Peace
Over the 24 years that I was in a relationship I was led to believe that I did not have the ability to handle money properly. Yes, when I was married we constantly lived pay cheque to pay cheque - mountains of debit quickly accumulated and we would scramble to find more ways to 'borrow' money to pay off the debts.
When I first bought my own house the money problems continued so one day I created a budget. After 2 months of 'watching where the money went' on the budget I had money in the bank and no outstanding credit card debts. I continue to practice this philosophy. Some months are better than others but the 'fear' of drowning in a mountain of debt keeps me focused.
Why am I sharing my finances with you? Well, I guess I am always amazed when I realize how often we believe what we are told. For 24 years I was told that I did not know how to handle money, that I was always spending too much despite the fact that I had several times created a budget to follow. I was constantly telling my ex-husband that the house was costing us more than we could afford. Here I am a year later with no debt (other than my mortgage). I live modestly and within my means and this means that I sometime even have money in my savings account!
It is moments like these that make me question all the other things that I have been told repeatedly throughout my life. Are they all lies as well? Why are we so easily swayed into believing what others say about us? Are we as a species so eager to please others that we will find some little bit of truth in anything that is said about us and just go with it? Do we all have such low self-esteem that if others don't approve of us we cannot believe in ourselves?
Well, once again I CHOOSE to not believe any of this anymore! I KNOW I am not perfect, I will make mistakes but because I CHOOSE to learn from my mistakes this makes me a better person. I CHOOSE to believe in me! There may be days when I am the only person believing in me, but I AM the ONLY person that matters! The same goes for all my readers, I want you all to CHOOSE to believe in yourselves as well.
Peace
Surround yourself with things you love - whether it be people, pets, books, etc. I choose pets. They provide unconditional love. Animals, like children, never cease to amaze me. Both have this ability to 'sense' or 'see' far more than we give them credit for. Animals always sense when you are upset and do their best to 'just be there' for you.
Recently a friend's cat had kittens. I felt it was time to add to our 'cat' family. So the kids and I sat down as a family and discussed it. I was more than shocked by the responses my children gave me - "Why on earth would you get another cat?" and "Don't we already have enough animals?". I sat there for a minute processing their comments. Yes, we currently have 2 cats, a rat and a hamster. Both of the rodents are approaching the end of their life cycles and I am convinced that there will be no more rodents (regardless of how much I love rats).
I let the conversation drop for a while and started to analyze - you know the thing I do so well. Here was what I came up with. My children have experienced so much loss in the past year. They have lost the only home they have known, their 'traditional' family unit, many of their friends and 3 cats. I started to wonder if this was why they were not interested in getting kittens.
I cautiously approached each child individually in an attempt to determine the true reason of the "no more cats" rule. My hypothesis was correct. Both kids were afraid that the kittens wouldn't fit in and would have to be send away or worse yet they might die. They expressed how much loss they have already had in their lives and through many tears and hugs I managed to convince them that everything would be alright.
I found it heartbreaking that something so simple and pleasant as a kitten could cause such sadness and fear in my children. So I did what I have been making myself do, forced myself out of my comfort zone. I took the kids out to see the kittens. They were only 1 month old and had just started walking the day before we saw them. At the end of the visit I asked if they still though we should get "no more cats". The answer was "NO!"
Perhaps I was wrong in doing this - only time will tell - but I think it is far more important to teach my children about compassion, unconditional love, and finding the positive in a situation no matter how dark it has become than it is to worry about 'who will clean the cat litter' (I am not delusional - it will be me).
So I say surround yourself with the things you love. Cats like my children always make me smile, but as my children grow up and distance themselves from me, I will always have the cats - and the cats never talk back (well at least they don't say anything I can understand).
Crazy Cat Lady
Peace
